She zigged and I zagged

[Biker2007]

here's my story...I was dating a girl for a short period of time over the summer. It started started off a little too well. It truly did feel like "love at first sight". We were both surprised how easy things were between us. There appeared to be no games, easy conversation, plenty of similar activities for us to do together, and a strong physical attraction. She was planning trips many months down the road for us, and I was perfectly fine with this. I must say, we were both into each other in a bit of a pathetic manner. We are both in our late 30s, so we knew the beginning is always a bit euphoric.

 

However, I think we made a mistake of getting physical before we actually had established a solid friendship...because the relationship roller coaster took off from this point forward. We would have a couple of good days and then a couple of off days. As she became distant, I felt like I was the only one trying to get us back on track. I made suggestions on how we could improve our communication, but that just made her feel as if I was criticizing or trying to change her...I was at a loss as to what I should do at this point.

 

I have not felt this close to someone in quite some time, and I was afraid that I was about to lose her. This just made the situation worse. It was hard for me to be myself towards the end. We both felt like we were walking on egg shells...maybe she just needed some time and space to sort things out as there was way too much drama going on.

 

Luckily (I thought), I had a trip coming up and and was gone for a few days. We had dinner before I left town and all seemed to be back on track. But as I was traveling, I could sense the same issue of her pulling away. Short phone conversations and text messages, and she had also planned to do a workout that we normally did together, without me! Seemed a little passive aggressive. All these little things started to weigh on my mind. I became frustrated and called her to discuss what was going on when I returned. The conversation went terribly wrong as I probably did not do a good job of keeping my emotions in check. I ended up saying, "this is not working". We both agreed to think about what we each needed from the other and to talk later, but then she really disappeared and the games started.

 

She would not return my phone calls. I just received vague text messages asking if I wanted to get together to talk. I did not apply any pressure when she would contact me...I would just say let me know where and when you want to meet...then I would not hear from her for a few days. I was not sure what happened to the girl I originally met as her actions were now out of synch with what she had been originally been telling me. If she did not want to get together to talk, why would she keep contacting me?

 

We have not talked or seen each other for over a month. And I am not sure we ever will again (She is a very stubborn person). I have let it be known how much I cared for her, so I do not feel like there is anything left for me to do at this time. Perhaps we rode the roller coaster one too many times...and she just shut down.

 

Thoughts on what the hell just happened?

[Curious139]

I don't know what happened but if you read some other threads on LS you'll find many people in the same bewildering situation as you. That isn't much help in your own circumstances but unfortunately the reality is that even when people love each other, one can go off the rails and leave. Or sometimes the love fades but the other person has no idea this is happening.

 

The hard lesson I've had to learn is that no-one can make another person love them - it has to come from within that person. Sometimes distance/space is enough for the ex to realise what they've lost, but most of the time they move on.

 

You have done the right things in my opinion. No pressure on her, let her know how you feel, and given her space to contact you. I really don't see what else you can do about her.

 

I suggest you decide it is over and mix with other people. Things might yet work out but it is healthier for you to cut the emotional cord now rather than be holding your breath for the next 3 months.

 

Hope this helps.

[Biker2007]

Curious,

 

Yeah, I knew my story was familiar…but damn it hurt. I am not one to fall very easily, so this one really decked me. I was a total mess for a while.

 

You are right about looking at the other threads on LS…that actually really helped me quite a bit and is what compelled me to offer up my story. It’s taken me a while to get past the mistakes I made w/ the ex, but things are slowly improving. I do wish I could simply get her out of my head. That would help w/ cutting the emotional cord.

 

Again, you are right about not lingering in the past…made this mistake before and it was a big waste of energy and time. So for now, I am just taking it day by day.

 

Thanks for the kind words!

[birdie]

well, it sounds a little bit like my situation with somebody I went out with recently for a short time.

 

we got on very well, we liked each other a lot and felt comfortable around each other. however, after a couple of months I realised that his view on relationships was quite different from mine, that's probably due to the age gap as well (he is 9 years younger than I).

 

so it took a while for us to agree that we were not compatible because we liked each other (still do). we still sort of keep in touch (though I've given up completely now) but I'm not sure that if we had been friends first we would have gone out with each other in the first place.

[Reactor]

Yah, you sound like me. The relationship hit hard and fast and left just as quickly. The result was/is me walking around thinking 'WTF?'.

 

Not alot I can say to cheer you up or make it better. In my situation she cut the cord because I couldn't do it for myself, I actually felt relieved because of all the un-needed stress it had brought me was gone.

 

Of course I was very upset but I'm nearly over it now. Eventually you'll realise what was wrong with your relationship (from her end) and that will help you get over it.

 

People are rarely perfect, we just ignore the bad things because we hope they'll go away.

 

Look to the future, don't dwell on it. Its hard but its the only way you'll get over her. And don't be a pawn in her games, its not fair on you and is stopping you moving on.

[Curious139]

It was very easy for me to type "cut the emotional cord" but actually doing it.......?? I'm not too clever - the cord is still so strong after 2 1/2 months I'd get on a plane tomorrow to be with her. I'd do anything!!

 

So what happens is the cord becomes stretched as time passes and begins to get transparent. Eventually (I hope) it almost becomes invisible but in my case will never disappear. Thats fine, I remember all of my exs with affection, there isn't one I don't like. But there are only 2 I still hold that candle for and she is The One.

 

Damn it still hurts............

[Biker2007]

Birdie,

Sounds like you and your ex were at different places in life. Good that you figured it out early. But I have found it does not really matter how long a relationship may have lasted…my worst heart aches have come from relationships that have not lasted extremely long. When the heart says, “she’s the one”, there is not much I can do.

 

I have normally not been able to do the "friends thing" after a relationship is over. It just seems too uncomfortable all around. My ex had asked to hang out, and I just did not feel like that would help me at the time. Maybe I could have found out more regarding her sudden change of heart, but I could have also just wasted a lot of time.

 

 

Reactor,

I am still asking myself, “WTF”!

 

I also was way too worked up. I had thought I just met the One. I allowed myself to get my expectations way too high early on and this made me too cautious at times.

 

I have a few ideas of what went wrong between my ex and I, but I really did not get any closure w/ her…she just disappeared. I do think she had been left by somebody in her past that really hurt her. So my saying, “this is not working” probably did not help matters. I am really trying to just focus on myself and figure out how I can better handle my issues and hers (we all have em) and just be myself. I have found when I really care for somebody, I sometimes freeze up and let things that bother me build up.

 

Curious,

I am close to 2 months (a few weeks since our last text communication) since I last saw my ex, so I know zactly how you are feeling. I felt good after posting my story. It felt a bit cathartic to get it off my chest, but the same ol’ feelings came back much too quickly. I left one roller coaster ride for another…

 

I have just put my focus towards work, training for some upcoming races, and hanging w/ friends I have lost touch w/ when I was in the relationship.

 

To all you guys - Thanks for the taking the time to drop a line. My head is still in a bit of a fog, but I am taking one day at a time. Good luck to you all!

[birdie]

would just say that the reason I think you feel like that after a short relationship is because it doesn't feel like it has run it's course yet.

 

people say that only long term relationships matter because it is the only way to build, long lasting love and that's what only matters. but like you said, it doesn't actually matter how long it lasts. it's not because she was 'the one' (clearly she wasn't) but because you are ready to settle down and find the right person and this was yet another disappointment.

 

when you are with somebody for a short time and it goes wrong, you are frustrated because you are left without answers as you didn't really know her well. I can't imagine you would have scared her off that much.

 

I am in my 30s as well and I know a lot of people at our age feel they've met so many others and are sad that it keeps going wrong. I don't know what the answer is, you just have to keep living your life, meeting people and give them a chance

[Biker2007]

Birdie,

Yeah, the loss of what I thought would be a very long relationship…I am really struggling w/ that thought still. Throw in some self abuse because of the mistakes I made, and those have been the thoughts that just won’t let me rest.

 

Hope your road to recovery is going better, because the last few days for me have been rather tough. I am having a tough time putting this mess behind me.