oliveoil Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Am I being unreasonable? I have been dating my boyfriend since 2003. When I met him he was already seperated from his wife and two kids with whom he still shares a house. He says that he is not ready to leave the house yet because he is not a in a finacial position to do so. Housing is also pretty espensive and so is rent. I am also looking for a house beacuase I still live by my mother. He says that he wants to be finacially stable. He has a business which he is trying to get stablize and pays employes. He says that he want the business to be grouned first.He says that he does not want to find himself in a position where he cannot afford to support his two kids and has to go to court. Therefore he has not made any serious move to get divorce. I know for sure that he is not involved with his wife. Am I being unreasonable for letting him know that I am not happy with the situation and that he needs to deal with this matter? He says that when the time is right that he will do it and that I am pressuring him. Is it also right for him to say that he wants to be there to see his children grow? Should I have to wait? I sometimes feel like I don't really have any boyfriend because he is still married although he is seperated. Am I wasting my time or am I being unreasonable? what do you think about this situation. He does not sleep with his wife and he does spend nights with me. She know about our relationship and so does the kids and his mother.
Mustang Sally Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Am I being unreasonable for letting him know that I am not happy with the situation and that he needs to deal with this matter? No.... But you are also dealing with a guy who is still married, NOT single, so you will likely have to adjust your expectations of the situation a bit. Read some other threads about OW/MM to get a feel for this if you really don't have a clue what type of stuff to expect. By becoming involved with a still married person (with kids), you have placed yourself right in the middle of a very complex set of interpersonal relations.... Is it also right for him to say that he wants to be there to see his children grow? Well, I certainly think so. I mean, after all, would you really want to have a significant relationship with a guy who doesn't take parenting his children seriously? Really? Think about that. Should I have to wait? Realistically? Probably. Finances aside, this guy has not wrapped up the first relationship (his M) before starting another (his A with you). He really should get closure to the first R before getting into another R. I don't find it unexpected that you would have to wait until he figures out what to do with the first. Of course, it is your perogative to demand that he make that decision on YOUR time frame. But be prepared for the fallout of that demand, should you make it. I sometimes feel like I don't really have any boyfriend because he is still married although he is seperated. Key words being "STILL MARRIED." Separated does not equal Divorced. Am I wasting my time or am I being unreasonable? Probably. He should have gotten the D before starting something with someone else. In my opinion, you both share the responsibility of the decision to start another R, and you will both share the repercussions of the decision. what do you think about this situation. You would be better off moving on, IMO. There are plenty of other (single) fish in the sea who can give you what you want/need/deserve. This guy has too much unfinished business and baggage to boot.
bestadvisor Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Am I being unreasonable? I have been dating my boyfriend since 2003. When I met him he was already seperated from his wife and two kids with whom he still shares a house. He says that he is not ready to leave the house yet because he is not a in a finacial position to do so. Housing is also pretty espensive and so is rent. I am also looking for a house beacuase I still live by my mother. No matter how you looked at it, they are seperated, but not divoced. You're still the other woman and you can't get rid of that lable or shame that comes with it.
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 He says that he wants to be finacially stable. He has a business which he is trying to get stablize and pays employes. He says that he want the business to be grouned first.He says that he does not want to find himself in a position where he cannot afford to support his two kids and has to go to court. Therefore he has not made any serious move to get divorce. I know for sure that he is not involved with his wife. The only two who know the absolute truth of that is him and his wife. Am I being unreasonable for letting him know that I am not happy with the situation and that he needs to deal with this matter? He says that when the time is right that he will do it and that I am pressuring him. He DOES need to do this on his own time frame, for his kids' sake. If you can't deal with things as they are and what he can offer you now, then end it and tell him to call you when he's moved out. Is it also right for him to say that he wants to be there to see his children grow? Should I have to wait? I sometimes feel like I don't really have any boyfriend because he is still married although he is seperated. Am I wasting my time or am I being unreasonable? what do you think about this situation. Yes, he has EVERY RIGHT as his kids come first. They always will and if you can't deal with that, then end it now. If you want to be a big part of his life, then his kids come with him and all that they bring. Plus, you'll be stepmom to his children eventually. Can you and are you willing to do that? If not, end it now...Again, his children come first. That is what a good and loving father does, puts his kids first. He does not sleep with his wife and he does spend nights with me. She know about our relationship and so does the kids and his mother. Honestly, there's no good reason right now for their kids to know about you. It's unfair to them and I'm sure they're not to happy about their folks breaking up. It's a huge adjustment for them. Anyway, the ball is in your court. He isn't going to move just because you want him to. He has decided to stay at his house, to keep his family together, atleast for now. It's up to you to decide if you can handle that, accept that and have a relationship with him. One thing to think about - He cannot offer himself FULLY to you and meet all your needs, not for a long time, so keep that in mind - Sadly and sorry to say, but that is what happens when you're involved with a separated man still living at home with his wife and kids. You won't be put first. Sorry to sound harsh, but that is the reality.
mourningMM Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Has he ever had you over his house? No, well you are an OW. Does he shower before he leaves? Yes, well you are an OW. Does he tell you that he needs to use a certain soap or shampoo because anything else give him a rash? Yes, well you are an OW. Can you call him at home? No, well you are an OW. Does he bring you home to his family? No, well you are an OW. And the one that should settle it all....if you met his wife on the street, would you be comfortable asking her to tell him to give you a call? No...well welcome to the world of OW. A man who has made the committment/vow of marriage and is still under the same roof as his wife is MARRIED. A man who has separated from his wife, has a separation agreement, and is living alone is MARRIED. A man who has his divorce decree in his hands is SINGLE, but he may not yet be free emotionally. A man who could introduce you to his ex-wife, his children, and his family is FREE, AVAILABLE, and worthy of your love. You deserve that, demand it. Because if you give a man an inch, he will take your heart.
PoshPrincess Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 He says that he wants to be finacially stable. He has a business which he is trying to get stablize and pays employes. He says that he want the business to be grouned first.He says that he does not want to find himself in a position where he cannot afford to support his two kids and has to go to court. Therefore he has not made any serious move to get divorce. I know for sure that he is not involved with his wife. Fair enough re the finances. How do you KNOW he is not involved with his W? This is not a dig BTW, I would just like to clarify. Am I being unreasonable for letting him know that I am not happy with the situation and that he needs to deal with this matter? No, you are not being unreasonable if he is expecting an LTR with you. He says that when the time is right that he will do it and that I am pressuring him. Of course you are going to pressure him. You love him. He MAY well leave when the time is right, but when will that time be? Is it also right for him to say that he wants to be there to see his children grow? Yes, this is fair enough. Like someone else said, what sort of a man would he be if he didn't give them a second thought? Would you want him any other way? Should I have to wait? Of course you shouldn't HAVE to wait. Unfortunately though, this is the situation and it can only be your decision whether you do or not. We can never be certain whether they will leave or not so you have to decide if you can put yourself through this, knowing that he might never leave. He does not sleep with his wife and he does spend nights with me. She know about our relationship and so does the kids and his mother. Ok, I asked you earlier how you could be sure there is nothing between him and his W. You DO sound pretty certain but have you had concrete evidence of this? This man could well be 100% genuine about his situation AND his feelings for you but unfortunately it still doesn't mean he will ever leave. If his W is THAT happy about the situation then maybe you should have a chat with her?
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Has he ever had you over his house? No, well you are an OW. Does he shower before he leaves? Yes, well you are an OW. Does he tell you that he needs to use a certain soap or shampoo because anything else give him a rash? Yes, well you are an OW. Can you call him at home? No, well you are an OW. Does he bring you home to his family? No, well you are an OW. And the one that should settle it all....if you met his wife on the street, would you be comfortable asking her to tell him to give you a call? No...well welcome to the world of OW. A man who has made the committment/vow of marriage and is still under the same roof as his wife is MARRIED. A man who has separated from his wife, has a separation agreement, and is living alone is MARRIED. A man who has his divorce decree in his hands is SINGLE, but he may not yet be free emotionally. A man who could introduce you to his ex-wife, his children, and his family is FREE, AVAILABLE, and worthy of your love. You deserve that, demand it. Because if you give a man an inch, he will take your heart. This is a very good post reply.
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