Filn Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Quick background made short: Wife and I separated out of need for about a year, she moved to Canada while I stayed in US to work and wait for work permit. She stayed with her parents, I with mine while we were separated. Finally move to Canada, nothing but problems and she wants me out, I leave after being there for 7 weeks. Says she is not in love with me anymore, feels hollow inside. Comes as huge shock to me and i began bargaining with her after i left to work things out. To this day, still don't know real reason as to why she wanted me out. Have 90% ruled out cheating, but just think that she is fallen out of love with me. Given that we have been separated for 2 months and hardly talk about anything, in my mind I have come to the point of filing for divorce. In my heart, i still hold on to hope, but my mind knows better. With this in mind, I don't know how I should tell my mother/father inlaws. My question is, how have you all approached your inlaws when this time came? In my situation, my inlaws are very religious and put a lot of pressure upon my wife, which in turn makes her resent them and close them off. She really does not like them for making her feel like she has to do what is what "God wants." That is just the way it is with them. I feel that I should, in some way, tell them that I am thinking about and intending to file for divorce. Even though they have really caused more harm then good, their intentions were nothing but wanting the best for us. I know that my wife will probably not tell them anything until it is done and over. I fell that it is only right to tell them the truth as to why I will file for a divorce because I have always been honest with them, however, I don't want this to cause problems for my wife and cause more hurt for her and end up resenting me and her parents more. Any thoughts?
Micke81 Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Well, you aren't there, so her parents are going to start asking her questions. You should leave that to them. You are about to exit their lives and she will be there forever. Telling them is hers to handle, not yours.
bestadvisor Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Maybe you wanted to tell her parents so they could talk to her and you're hoping that their might be able to influence your wife's action and thinking.
AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 I insisted that my husband tell his parents. I wanted them to know what was going on, because its not fair for them not to know. I think I also wanted them to show my H shock and disdain for what he has done. So, my H did call his parents and tell them. I talked to my H the same night, and once I knew that he had told my in-laws, I sent them an email saying how sorry I was about us splitting up, and that I wish it wasn't happening and would have been willing to try to fix our issues, but that my H wants to leave and I can't stop him. I said that I hope in the end that both my H and I find happiness. My in-laws both wrote back pretty nice emails to me - saying how shocked and sorry they were, and urging me to try to find happiness in any way I can. My in-laws have NEVER been that nice to me! I think they do realize that my H has behaved horribly, and that my H losing me is a loss to our whole family community. So, it brought some closure and peace to communicate with my in-laws, and I think its worth having some contact with them.... but FIRST, I think its your wife's responsibility to make the initial announcement to them. I'd be insistent with her about it, and make her tell you when she's done it, so that you know when they know and you can call or send an email expressing your thoughts. Stay strong! This is such a hard process. The family community is breaking apart, and even my in-laws -who didn't like me very much - were sad about their son's actions and our upcoming divorce. Best of luck! *hug* -Hilarie (Scraggle18)
Trimmer Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 I agree with letting your wife tell them first. She really should. If you are put in an awkward position (i.e. she is hiding it, but the in-laws start asking you about it) let her know that you don't want to cover for her, and that she should tell them before you "have to" when they ask. Especially if you don't have kids (which it sounds like you don't) you are going to be completely out of their lives. You can certainly be respectful, cordial, gracious, etc... but she is the one beholden to her family interests, and you shouldn't feel like you need to ease her way, especially if she's dug her own hole with her family. Having said that, if you do talk to them, I don't know if I would completely go the route of Scraggle, and preemtively volunteer who did what and who isn't willing to try to work things out, etc. That could come off as trying to land a blow, turn them to your side, etc., and isn't really necessary if you are just trying to keep cordial contact with the in-laws. But then, my experience is strongly colored by having kids as part of the equation, and putting a high priority on maintaining cordial relationships with both my Ex and the in-laws.
Author Filn Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 Thanks for all the good advice and viewpoints. It has made me think quite a bit. I think that I would probably contact my inlaws for only two reasons, out of respect for their help and to "get back" at my wife, in a sense. I respect them, but I think the revenge aspect is probably stronger. Should just let her deal with it, probably the best course of action. If they want to discuss it with me and have questions, they know how to contact me...
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