At a crossroads.....

[Confused_And_Hurting]

I guess I should start with some background. Me and my wife met when we were both active duty in the Navy. We were almost immediately head-over heels for each other. We both admitted to each other that we considered this to be "it". We got engaged and then pregnant. I will admit that I cheated on her once before we were married when she was stationed in VA and I was in CA temporarily for 5 months while we were engaged. I confessed everything to her ASAP and begged her forgiveness when I got to VA. Thankfully she took me back and we got married in dec '00.

 

Our oldest Hailey was born in Jan of '01 and we couldn't be happier. Things were rough at first, but we managed. We both felt our love was strong enough to overcome anything. I went on my first 6-month cruise Oct of that year. My Grandfather and Stepfather both died in Jan of '02 and she was a trooper and acted as Liaison between me and my family. She even took her cellphone to my Grandfathers funeral so I could at least listen.

 

Our Son Devin was born in March of '03 and while it was unexpected, it was welcomed. We had already gained experience from our first, so it helped in making the second a little easier to deal with. Things were going well for us financially, and we started talking of finally getting a house.

 

But it was later on that year that I started to notice a change in her mood/actions. She started to become distant and withdrawn from me and the kids. She wouldn't talk to me about whatever problems she was having, so I simply continued to support her and the kids the best I could and figured she would tell me when she was ready. Then our sex life went downhill fast. She would even recoil from simply my touch. The frequency went from once a week, to 3 months without, and even one time 8 months. I became scared and started to press for information. But instead of getting her to open up. She withdrew even more.

 

In '05 I got out of the Navy after 6-years ready to try and make things more stable. I started college part-time Sept. of that year and went during the day since she worked at night (she is still active-duty). I became even more frightened when I realized that she was opening up to her friends at work more than she was me at home. Out of fear that I was losing her, I accused her of doing something behind my back. This turned into a huge fight and she threw the fact that I had cheated on her before we were married into my face. I dropped the subject and left it at that. But I started to notice that she wanted less to do with me or the kids more and more. I tried to be a supportive Husband, always telling her how much I loved her, and doing my best to try and make her happy.

 

Our youngest, Kasey, was born in June of '06. Things seemed to start improving and I became hopeful. We were only working on one budget, but we were doing well. She received orders for Cuba for 18-months later that year and was excited about it, and I was excited for her. She had always said how she was tired of being stuck stateside and wanted to go experience things I had done since I was on sea-duty when I was in, and got to see foreign countries. When it got close to the time for her to transfer, we decided it would be best for me to move back north so I would have family nearby. We made the move and things were looking good.

 

Then come March of this year She calls me from Cuba and says she thinks we should separate. That she loved me because I was the Father of our children, but just not in the way a Wife should. I tried reasoning with her and figuring out what was going on in her head. Telling her that I loved her and that I didn't want this. But she just shut down, and I caved and said ok to the separation. She said that we would just have to be adult about it and understand that we would be seeing other people. I proceeded to mentally run myself into the ground and became stressed because I was trying to deal with this and handle raising our 3 children. She continued to call to talk to the kids, and I continued trying to get her to talk to me. Then I ended up sleeping with 2 different women. Mainly to try and move on I guess. But I just ended up feeling even worse.

 

She called me one day and asked if I had slept with anyone. I said yes and explained what had happened. She became enraged at me and I guess I deserved it. Then some time passed and she confessed to me that she had tried to sleep with another man. She was drunk and went back to his place. They started to have sex and then she called him by my name. He stopped and she got up said she was sorry that she just couldn't do it and left. We both broke down to each other at this point and cried a lot. She said that she still loved me and never stopped loving me. That she wanted to be with me and the kids and be a family. I told her that it was what I wanted as well, and we agreed to stop hurting each other and when she came home at the end of Oct. that we would talk things through.

 

Then 4 days ago she called me and told me that she had slept with a woman. And on top of it she was stone sober when it happened, and the other woman knew she was married because they work together every day. I felt deeply injured and didn't know what to say. I asked her why and she said she didn't know. I asked for details and she gave them to me. They were both at a party and she was designated driver, so she was sober. Some of the other people at the party started to play a game called pass the ice. This apparently involves passing an ice cube from one person to another via mouth. This other woman had the ice cube and went over to her and put the ice in her mouth and kissed her in front of people. Then they went outside found an out of the way Pavilion and made out for awhile. They went back to the other womans place and the other woman got naked and then undressed her. She was there for 3-hours, even though she said the sex part was only an 1-1/2. I felt devastated. She even said that this woman's oral skills were better than mine.

 

I talked to her some more and she eventually said that she thinks part of the reason why she did it was to see if she still could (I knew she was Bi, and had slept with women before we got married). She even went as so far as to say that maybe this was something we could share, but that if I wanted her to stop all I had to do was say it. She says that she still loves me and wants to be with me, and that it was just simply a physical attraction, and the fact that she was horny that caused this.

 

She comes home for 2 weeks at the end of Oct. Part of me still loves her, but I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't know which direction to take. What should I do?

[Cobra_X30]

C&H,

 

I dont understand the root of your wife's problem. Why do you think she will not open up to you?

 

I think your at a point where your marraige may not be worth saving. At this point your already separated.

 

How do you feel about a divorce?

[eastcoastMan]

Believe me you two are further along than you think. You both confessed your past indiscretions. She left but realized her mistake and that she still DEEPLY loves you. I think she’s just feeling a little open minded and she wants to have emotionless yet physical exploration with another woman. She wants to bring you along.

 

Continue to communicate. And if you do decide to partake in this 3some, by all means please your wife first and foremost and allow wife to dictate to you how to interact with the other woman to avoid your wife getting jealous. She wouldn’t want her little exploration endeavor to backfire on her.

[Mr. Lucky]

Boy, the tough part of this is that you let the genie out of the bottle when you first strayed. Seems like your wife decided then and there that she could also have that option at some time in the future. Your problems don't seem fixable unless you can arrange to both be in the same place for an extended period of time - 2 weeks in October isn't going to help you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confused_And_Hurting]

Cobra - My wife said she's willing to give me a divorce if that's what I want, and if I feel it will make me happy. But she doesn't want a divorce. She want's to try and be a family and put the hurt and pain behind us. She says she couldn't talk to me because she was very depressed for those years because she didn't love herself, and in turn felt she wasn't worthy of being loved. But she feels she has re-awakened in a sense because she has dropped the wieght and feels better and more confident about herself.

 

ECM - I'm not entirely sure that is what I want. Intriguing as it sounds. I was raised to believe than when a man and a woman get married. They are supposed to be everything to each other, and I feel that's been kinda lost.

 

Mr. Lucky - I know that we would need to be with each other for an extended period of time to make this work. But she's not done in Cuba until March of next year, and her next set of orders are for Italy for 18 months. She can bring me and the kids to Italy with her. But I need to make a choice on whether or not I want to go.

 

On another note, I know I shouldn't have done this. But I contacted the second OW and spoke to her. She in turn said that it sounded like things were over and that she has secretly wanted to be with me, and loves me, but didn't want to put any pressure on me at the time. I had fun with her when I was with her. But always felt guilty about it and almost always resented it. The OW says she couldn't bear to lose me and doesn't want to see me going back to my wife and into something she feels is going to end badly. This OW's parents were seperated for 5 years after 23 years of marriage and they kept hurting each other. Any more advice is welcome.

[4whatItsWorth]

I was raised to believe than when a man and a woman get married. They are supposed to be everything to each other, and I feel that's been kinda lost.

 

I do believe too that a woman and a man should be everything to each other - except you still need friends and family on the side...

 

I don't think everything is lost, but only you can tell if you can move on from this or not. It seems like you can't accept that your wife did to you what you did to her before you were married...I think you both are in the wrong but you have the skills to confess - which is great! There are no secrets, you do communicate. I think you should have MC and IC to work on your issues to make sure that it won't happen again.

 

Take a weekend off, talk to each other - you might find out what you need by being alone with your wife like you were when you first fell for her.

 

Remember, relationships are WORK!

[Confused_And_Hurting]

Well, it's been a while. So, here's an update. I have gone NC with the OW I brokedown and talked to again. I have been doing well. She doesn't really cross my mind anymore. But a new problem, or at least it feels like one has arisen. Some days ago I jumped onto Myspace and went to my wife's page. I looked under her pics and saw a picture of some woman licking cake icing off of her face. This sent me into a rage and I felt that emotional rollercoaster again. When I got ahold of her I asked her to please take that picture down. That it wasn't doing any good by it being up there. That I felt like it was a kick in my teeth.

 

She refused and said I was making a big deal over nothing. She has kind of been this way since we started talking about the EA. Any question I ask her that she finds uncomfortable she avoids. Or she becomes irritated with me and tells me how she's tired of me sounding like a broken record. I try and tell her that this is therapy for me since she can't be right here beside me. That getting reassurance from her is what helps me. Then last night she threw a pretty big blow at me. On the 19th we talked for awhile and I told her that I would call her later before I went to bed. I called her at around 10pm EST (she's in the same time zone) and one of her roomates answered the phone and said she was in bed. I asked her to wake her up just for a minute so I could speak to her. She was drunk and was irritated that I had called. I simply said that I just wanted to call to say that I love you and goodnight. She responded by saying, "Fine, you called. I love you and goodnight. I'll call you tomorrow after work". I asked her what time that would be and she said she got off work at five.

 

Come the next day I waited patiently to hear from her. The kids wanted to talk to her as well and were anxious to hear their mom's voice. Come around 6 I hadn't heard from her so I called her. Her roomate answered and said she hadn't come home yet. I figured that she was held up at work. So I waited until 7 and called again. She still wasn't home. Then finally after 3 more trys, at around 8:30pm I got ahold of one of her roomates and she said that she went to a party. I left a message on the answering machine asking her to call me back, and even left multiple messages with her roomates. But instead of calling me back, she changed her clothes and left to go get drunk with her friends. On top of it she not only hurt me by not calling. She also hurt our kids. I laid in bed awake all night mad at her, wondering what she was doing, and who she was doing it again. Then that fear of her doing it again crept in and made me an insomniac for the evening. The fear and hurt was so great, that I felt an actual physical pain. It felt like my chest had imploded. I felt crushed. Not just for me though. For my kids as well.

 

I don't know what to make of this. She says to me that she wants this. She wants me to come with her to Italy and wants us to be able to start anew. But her actions don't seem to be backing her words to me. Any advice is welcome.

[Cobra_X30]

Which do you think means more... her actions or her words?

 

You have a decision in front of you... and you will have to choose which of these two indicators to follow.

 

You said before that she was fine giving you a divorce, but that she wanted to make it work. Is that true?

[Mr. Lucky]

Any advice is welcome.

OK then, quit trying to make a silk purse out of a pig's ear. Just you wishing your wife would be faithful isn't enough in the face of her desire to lead a different lifestyle. Add in the physical separation and, painful as it might be, it's time to go to Plan B. You need to stop thinking about your wife and start focusing on your kids and your life as a single parent. That's the hand you've been dealt...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jmargel]

Words are meaningless. Doesn't matter if she is going through a mid-life crisis now. What you are doing is not working, so why continue to do it? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

 

I often give this advice, you need to use tough love. Don't be there everytime she calls, don't keep telling her you 'love her'. Don't keep throwing out that safety net, because all that does is allow her to continue her behavior. She KNOWS you love her, she KNOWS that you will be there no matter what, so in her mind what she is doing is harmless. She is acting very immature and selfish. How do you treat a teenager who is acting immature and selfish? With tough love.

 

Give her the ultamatium of either MC or it's over. You really need to stop tolerating her behavior otherwise her lying and disrespect will not stop. For her getting drunk like this as well, isn't it again Navy policy to do this? Not a good way in representing our country like this.

 

The best thing you can do here is open the cage door. Tell her you are done with her behavior, that you will no longer continue to be dragged through the mud. Try to keep the kids out of this as much as possible. Don't tell them what she is really doing, that's only going to hurt them. Show as much love and support to them as possible. They are going through this just as much as you are.

[everynameistaken]

This is in no way to be mean...and I realize what's done is done...but why do unhappy people continue to have babies? Wrap it for God's sake!

[outofdarkness]

This is in no way to be mean...and I realize what's done is done...but why do unhappy people continue to have babies? Wrap it for God's sake!

well...alot of people believe that marriage is for life, and kids just sort of go with the natural flow of that...JMHO.ood

[everynameistaken]

I guess I was just puzzled - if you KNOW you are having serious problems, you should think about not having kids until things are okay again. Isn't that common sense? His last kid was fairly recent, right? I feel for the kids. Like I said, keep it wrapped. It makes no sense to me that you would bring a child in this world when your marriage is in the sh*tter. But I'm sure they had their reasons and I'm not them so I'm more perplexed than judging....just wondering why??? I'm sure they love their kids very much. Not putting them down, just confused.

[Bryanp]

Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to realize what she is doing. Enough is enough. Go see a lawyer. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes. Clearly she has no respect for you, your family and marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?