Izzy B Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 What happened was that your wife fell out of love with you the moment she found out about you meeting up and communicating with your ex love. You really started all this yourself, buddy. I don't blame her for falling out of love with you like that. This is definitely not a case of the Walk Out Wife syndrome, she has very good reasons to walk out. You created an emotional affair with a past love while you were married to her, and that is a good way to make love die in your wife. Now you can live with the consequences, buddy.
Izzy B Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 And yea you really need to hold her feet to the fire and hold her accountable for action, word, and deed. Be willing to let go of the past, with the understanding that you will trust in the future ~ but will also verify ~ inspect what you expect. uh, dude he needs to be accountable for cheating on his wife in the first place.
Author 2boys2dogs Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 Well Izzy, I have taken account for what I did 3 years ago and I cut off all contact the moment she confronted me 3 years ago. I have never stopped appologizing to my W for my EA. Unfortunately, up until Thursday of last week, my W still was talking to her OM. She says that for the last 2 weeks (since I caught and confronted her) they have only talked about her and I. That the romance ended when I caught them. She has promised me once again that it is 100% over, that they will never speak again. I guess somehow I will have to try and learn how to trust her again, just like she will have to learn to trust me.
Author 2boys2dogs Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 I invited my W Friday night to go to dinner and a movie. It took her quite a while to finally accept. We went to go to dinner and there was a 1.5 hour wait! So much for my plan. I told her I could tell in her face that she didn't really want to be there. She said that it was just a little too much too soon. We ended up going to a bar and having dinner and a couple of drinks, then we went home. I arranged for a neighbor to watch our boys when she gets home from her conference next month. I am taking her out of town for a concert and staying at a casino. I told her not to worry, that if nothing had changed in her mind when she gets back and she doesn't want to go, I will just find someone else to take (not another woman, just one of the guys).
jesslindy Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 I understand you gotta start somewhere, but your last couple of posts make it seem like your so happy to have this chance at being with your wife in company, your not preparing for the worst. All I'm saying is don't be blinded by your happiness to have some alone time with the wife. Don't lose sight that you dont know anything about her affair except what you already know and what she has told you. And to be honest what she has told you is most likely not truthful. Sorry. You know how many times I've taken my wife to dinner since we seperated. Alot. And every time she acted like yours. Now look at her. Looking for anyone she can to "be there". She's still super mad at you. Even if you don't understand why. Dinner, movies, showing love. That's something you do for a WIFE. Not a wayward that has cheated and you havent resolved any of those issues. All she has done is said "I'm Sorry". Dude, that doesn't cut it. She needs to be showing you alot more than that. ALOT more. Man I'm sorry to be harsh but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop if you know what I mean. I hope not, just be prepared.
jesslindy Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 Now on the other hand of my last post! If she truly wants to work it out she probably is not capable of doing the right things, right now. She might need time and space. But those are marraige killers. My thought is if she can't make stand for your marraige, than she probably doesnt really WANT to. Time and space is for people on the fence, and that is no place to be if you dont want a strong spouse to push you to the other side. If she really wanted to make it work, she would hop back on your side. I will pray for you.
Author 2boys2dogs Posted September 25, 2007 Author Posted September 25, 2007 Well, last night started out OK. I cooked a nice dinner and cleaned up after. We sat out on the deck and had a couple of beers and smokes. After that we went to bed to watch TV. She has had a really bad cold/cough and started to have a coughing fit. I started to rub her back to try and console her and help. She pulled away and said that rubbing her back wasn't going to help. I got up, grabbed my pillow, and started to walk to the door. She asked where I was going and I told her the spare bedroom in the basement. She said "what, because I said rubbing my back wouldn't help?". I told her no, I was going to the basement, where I felt more wanted than up here! I slept in the basement and we have only talked when she called this morning to make sure I got the kids off to school ok. Every day is part of this huge emotional roller coaster anymore. I really am starting to wonder if she is bi-polar (my mom and a friend also mentioned this)
Mike1966 Posted September 25, 2007 Posted September 25, 2007 2b2d- Just an honest opinion but it sounds like you maybe overreacted a little last night? If she had a coughing fit and said rubbing the back didn't help that's probably all it was. Sounds like you were a little sensitive to the comment, got your feelings hurt and left. I know it's hard during this time because it's like a roller coaster. If you are going to rebuild something it's going to likely be a long process so try to be patient.
Missy27 Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 You're doing too much for her with no reciprocation. Look ~ I think you've got to take a step back from this situation and REALLY look at what's going on here ~ It seems to me that at the moment you've got your head up your a$$ a bit and you're not looking at the bigger picture ~ You're giving her too much ammunition to treat you like a doormat ~ she's giving you all the spiel about you neglecting her for years, but I'm telling you now 2B2D ~ if you carry on like you are ~ I think your gonna lose in the long run If it were me ~ ? As soomn as I found out that she'd kept in contact with OM ~ I'd have packed all her sh~t up, changed the locks, kept the boys and told her not to let the door smack her a$$ on the way out ~ I would have told her "i'm movin on sweetie ~ so you better build yourself a bridge and get yourself over it ~ there aint a snowballs chance in hell that you're coming back to this house and living in the presence of OUR children while there's three of us in this marriage" ~ AND I would've stuck to it. I've got to agree with the others ~ I think she's doing you over like a kipper and if I were you I'd be VERY careful ~ Listen ~ I'm a woman ~ I know how we work sometimes and although I would never entertain the idea of treating someone the way that your W has treated you ~ I know what goes on in the female physche ~ and she's got you over a barrel at the moment All this talk about you neglecting her ~ ? ~ maybe she has got SOME feelings in there about that ~ but ~ you know what I think ~ ? ~ She wants VALIDATION for what she's done ~ she's finding a way to JUSTIFY her OWN behavior and YOU ~ you're stroking her justification button JUST NICELY. I agree with Gunny ~ I think Non Contact for a month would be the best bet here ~ YOU should stay in the house with the boys ~ and when I say non contact ~ I mean no texts, no phone calls, no e-mails, no flowers, no dinner dates, no sitting on the deck smoking together ~ (p.s ~ I expect she uses these "deck dates" as another opportunity to manipulate you to the max) ~ Set out a structure for the boys during the month of NC and stick to it. If you know when you've got them and she knows when she's got them then there's no need for you to contact eachother for at all unless there's an emergency with the kids. It also maintains some sort of tructure for the boys during this time. Give your WW the gift of REALLY missing you ~ set yourself some clear boundaries and STICK to them ~ nothing justifies how she's behaved and she needs to take some BIG responsibility in her part in this marriage. Will non contact drive her into the arms of OM ~ ? ~ maybe ~ but if it does, then at least you know exactly what your're dealing with in terms of reconcilliation I know it's easy for me to sit here and say all of this ~ but if you're committed to really wanting your marriage to work 2B2D then you've got to give her the opportunity to think about what she's done and you the opportunity to work out whether a marriage like this is really what you want ~ I know that if you do this ~ and stick to it ~ you'll achieve some sort of clarification ~ whether the outcome is reconcilliation or divorce.
Author 2boys2dogs Posted September 26, 2007 Author Posted September 26, 2007 Well, thank you Missy for the "tough" advice. Today I sent her an email letting her know that I was going to continue to give her what she says she has been missing all these years and prove to her I was capable of being that man. I then told her that I was not going to continue this for long if it was not reciprocated. That I refuse to remain in a one-sided marriage. I told her again that I deserve the love and affection that she was able to give to her OM, and that if she couldn't give that to me, I will be finding someone else to provide me with that in a relationship. She leaves Sunday for 10 days. When she gets back, she is going to have to prove to me that she hasn't talked to the OM since last Thursday. If she refuses, she is out the door. If she has talked to him, she is out the door. On that, I refuse to budge. Last night she asked me if I wanted to come to bed and watch TV. I said no, that I just wanted some time alone. I went in and got my pillow, my alarm clock, and my cell phone charger and I went and slept in the basement bedroom.
Author 2boys2dogs Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Well, the weekend went really well. Friday night we just hung out together and watched TV. Saturday we hung out, cleaned the house, and talked about her conference. Saturday night we went out for dinner and drinks with our group of neighbors/friends that we always hang out with. We had a great time. My W and the other women even got up a couple of times and sang karaoke! I grabbed my W by the hand in the middle of a country song and we danced the rest of the song. I haven't seen her smile and laugh as much as she did that night in a long time. Sunday I hung out with her while she packed for her trip and Monday at 6:00AM she left for the airport. I did tell her Saturday when we were hanging out that I am scared to death that her OM is going to show up at her conference. She promised me on her mothers grave that he is not, that he is 100% gone. I told her I wished I could believe that, but right now I can't. She called me during her layover, as soon as they landed, and when she got to the hotel. She also called me at 10:00 when she got back to the hotel room after the "Ice Breaker" for the conference. When she first got to her room and started to unpack she found that the night before she left I hid a card with a love poem I wrote for her. She sounded genuinely excited about it. One day at a time from here...wish me luck on our long road ahead.
Author 2boys2dogs Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I had flowers delivered to her hotel room Tuesday so they would be there waiting when she returned. She called me and said that was sweet of me and that I didn't have to do that. I told her I know I didn't have to do it, that I wanted to do it. She called me yesterday evening and asked how my day was since I didn't send her any text messages after the first one early in the morning. I told her I was in meetings all day and didn't have any chance. Today I sent her hotmail account a few emails and a text to her phone. She called after the text just to see how my day was going. Go to the link below and change the mindset from a female to a male and that is exactly how I feel! (I sent that to her today too but she hasn't commented) [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3][COLOR=#800080]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIyxkZod2cM[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]
Author 2boys2dogs Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Well, I haven't been keeping my post up to date. Life is just one big roller coaster for me. I found out Sunday that she is still talking to him. She told me I have no right to tell her who she can be friends with. I told her that she is messed up in the head if she thinks that any contact with him is even close to acceptable. I asked her how she would feel if I did this to her. How she would feel if I got back into contact with my OW after cutting it off 100% 3 years ago. How she would feel if I started talking to my old OW every single day. It didn't register. I called her OM Monday morning and left him a message on his cell phone telling him to be a man and stop calling my wife and that I will not stay with her if the two of them are still talking. This is what I emailed her this morning... I want to be a part of every aspect of your life...I do not want any more secrets held from me. If you cannot commit to that, then please do me the small favor of declining this request and let me move on with what I have left of myself. I am sorry that I sound so negative lately, but you don’t give me much for options. You are cold and calculated unless you are caught and I can’t deal with that. I need you to want me all the time, not just when you are feeling guilty. I am going to do some soul searching and I am going to set a deadline for how long I am willing to endure the way you treat me. I know I have set ultimatums in the past 2 months that I have for some reason ignored, but this is it. I am tired of being lied to, cheated on, and treated like a piece of crap. You need to step up and decide if you are willing to follow through on the long letter you sent me. Paint a picture of love with me, or move on. If you want to work this out, I need your login to your Alltel account. I never imagined that I would need to sneak around and spy on my wife, but you have betrayed me far too many times for me to just roll over and pretend to trust you. If you want me to ever trust you again, please stop hiding things from me, please stop lying to me, please stop cheating on me! . I am done playing your games. I called OM the other morning (which I am sure he told you)...I left him a message on his cell phone to stop calling you, to leave us alone, and that I am not willing to stay with you if you two are talking. I am not ever going to budge on that, so don’t even ever ask for me to accept your friendship with him. It amazes me that you somehow think that it is OK for you to still be friends with the man you sent underwear to and planned a romantic reunion with. It is apparent to me that you do not see anything wrong with continuing your relationship with OM and that is more hurtful than you can ever imagine to me. So, if you cannot give up your friendship/love/lust/affair with him, then we have nothing else to discuss other than custody and child support. I am sorry that this was not a love letter. I really want to send you love letters, but you reject them and tell me I am smothering you, right after you tell me that I neglected you and stopped sending you love. You need to figure out what you really want and stop playing mind games before everything we had or could have is gone! I love you. I just hope you don't realize it too late.
Trouble in Paradise Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Dude, I didn't read every post but I feel like I must chime in. Guam is a little **** hole of an island where the booze is cheap and the women go crazy. There is like a 3:1 guy-girl ratio and everyone has sex. I was stationed there when I was 19 and messed around with quite a few women. This bitch cheated on you and she should hung for that. Grow a set and take her to the cleaners. She is lying out her ass to you and she isn't going to change. You aren't helping yourself by staying with her and in the long run your boys will be even more screwed up if you stay. Tell her to get to stepping and find a fine ass girl that blows her out of the water. The Military is tough man. My wife and I were happy too and she is leaving me. She went to ALS and got a feel for the freedom and wants out. Says she is emotionally drained because I'm not there for her. I'll be the first one to admit that I ****ed up and i'm willing to look at my self objectively and see where I need to change but it takes 2 to tango. If she can't change herself, then get to stepping. She is moving out the 5th of Nov and I can't wait. The worst part about sharing a house with her is it gives me a chance to show her i'm volnerable. I don't really know if I love her anymore because she is leaving and not giving me a chance and I know if she leaves me I sure as hell won't love her at all. If she leaves i'm going to take my new found knowledge of being a proper husband and find a girl that truly wants a partnership with me. Military girls are wierd man, they really suck and are fickle because so many guys hit on them. Well they don't realize that all these guys just want to jump thier bones and don't realize that the "nice" these guys portray are just "game" that single guys spit at married women to get them in the sack. I've come to the conclusion that most women are unhappy and that is because they stereo type their grandmothers when It comes to house work and perfection of their lives. The problem with that is that they didn't grow up in the same world as their grandmothers (limited women's rights, god was still a big part of society, commitment, taboo on divorce) so instead of being themselves to begin with they portray something their not and because all of these things have been drove out of society they just say screw it, and leave. They don't have any idea what truly committing is. They are selfish and only care for themselves and it is only a matter of time until they tell you that. Woman are huge exageraters and like to put on a good show, even if they aren't happy. So when the time comes to finally buckle down and fix it they are too drained of lying to themselves that they hate themselves but take it out on you and rely on outside help as a crutch for their emotion diffusion. I really don't know if there is unconditional love anymore unless you believe in god. It's a sad tragedy but I think that it is true. When you say you love some one that if fine in dandy, if you feel you love someone, that is chemistry, but when you know deep down in your mind, body and soul that you love someone, that my friends is divine. Good luck man and if you ever need to chat email me. And to reiterate on what Misty27 said, **** her! She is a cheating filty whore who ****ed her family over for a piece of ass. Tell her to hit the bricks and go find a fine ass supermodel who likes kids and money. Don't get too attached and she will cling to you like glue. I think the problem here is we forget how to play the game when we get married because we get secure and feel our spouse has changed with us. Reading this forum you'll realize thats not true. Get'r done buddy!
Author 2boys2dogs Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Well, Wednesday she refused to give me her cell phone online login. She says there is no point since I already know she was still talking to him. She also says that she didn't know I called him Monday because she has ceased talking to him. She actually expects me to just take her word on this without any proof after I have caught her lying to me 4 times now??? That's messed up!
Ladyjane14 Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I think the old Dr. Philism would apply here.. "People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing." Look... she's either going to offer accountability to the reconciliation process, or she isn't. And it's completely up to you to decide if what she's offering is good enough. YOU get to decide where your personal boundaries are, and if what she's bringing to the table is sufficient. Nobody can maintain an intimate relationship with you unless you authorize it with your cooperation.
scubafish Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 HI, I have skimmed through your posts here, so maybe I missed it, but nobody has brought up the 'addiction' factor. I think maybe she is not responding to you, becuse she is going through the withdrawal process (if indeed she went NC with him). sadly, this is not a process it seems that people can do without serious help. I have had some of your same scenerio in my life, and I could not get him to understand the NC process and why. and it just doesn't bode well. willpower alone does not work, as long as he keeps pursuing her as well. I do not think she can stop herself from contacting him. The rush is too much. much like an addict cannot stop the drugs, even though they know it is ruining their life.
melodymatters Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Wow...I haven't read through eight pages of somones post in a long time, but ...WOW...this one was compelling ! All I can really say OP, is that you have given it your all, and then some, and then some more. I don't really understand how it all works. I have given so much and ended up with so little, and all I ever dreamed of was to have somone love me as much as you seem to love your wife. I can't even give you advice because i'm too bummed out..for you, and honestly, for me. I'll get back to you when I've recovered. ( and the fact that I"M hurting from this, I can't even IMAGINE what you are going through) ...Again....wow....
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