Ladyjane14 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Then, read up on marriage builders. Google "What is marriagebuilders" and "What are plan A and Plan B". There is lots of good info there. Good idea, Pix. Just bear in mind while you're reading though the information though, 2B2D.... that "Plan A" doesn't mean you 'roll over and show your belly' by giving your spouse permission to cheat on you. You're still a man with boundaries, the difference is that you're ATTRACTIVE while enforcing them.
tinke Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 it's unbelievable that you are allowing HER to call the shots. honestly, do you think this will encourage her to stay in the marriage...she appears to be using you..BIG TIME! remember..she had the affair! she should be humbling herself to you, if she were truly serious. do you want a roommate? that is what you are signing on for, or better yet, a roommate who expects you to pay for her presence. as a woman.....trust...she is not into this marriage. hear this....SHE KNOWS that she can suck you right back in with this scratching her back thing!!!! it's the ole push and pull...she is sucking you in to enable her to carry on and do as she wishes. quite honestly..this situation is quite disturbing..she is a poor representation of women.
mourningMM Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I'm sorry for you and her and your children. But listen to this....if you refuse her your company, she can sue YOU for abandonment... Before you throw her out of your bed or your house, be sure you talk to a lawer about what is considered 'cause' in your state. Don't do anything that could be considered 'cause'....although you opened a door with the EA, legally, since you reconciled afterwards you will need a lawyer to figure out whether you can divorce her for 'cause'.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 But listen to this....if you refuse her your company, she can sue YOU for abandonment... I kind of doubt she'd have a whole lot of success with claiming abandonment... not without the judge literally falling off the bench laughing anyway. She's been caught pretty much red-handed committing ADULTERY afterall.
mourningMM Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 But reality and legality rarely have anything to do with each other. And LEGALITY might wind up saying that she was adulterous, but you withheld sex and caused emotional abandonment....and then, from a judge's perspective (and it might be a her-ass-off) you would both be on even ground. I'm not saying what she did was right, or saying that you should do one thing or another. I am suggesting that you make sure that none of your actions come back to haunt you. Nothing is worse than giving up your legal rights in a divorce case because you don't realize that someone else might be able to work the system.
Author 2boys2dogs Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 Our State is a No Fault Divorce State. Everything is split 50-50 (other than the kids). I discussed this with my lawyer already. He said there was nothing legally that would hurt me if I finally decided to file first. Yesterday I went to our counselor and told her all of the sorrid details of her affair. I also told her about all of the mixed emotions she is sending me. My W is going to the counselor today and we both are going on Monday. I did stand up to her again last night. I told her I did not want to talk to her anymore about us. I told her we could talk about the kids and work and stuff at dinner, but not about us. Then I said "I'll talk to you Monday at counseling" and I walked out of the room. Later she asked me if I really wasn't going to talk to her at all until Monday and I said "probably not since you are so fun to talk to right now". Then I went downstairs and read a book.
Author 2boys2dogs Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 This all sucks for all of us that are going through the walkaway wife syndrome. Last night I bought two books, After the Affair, and Divorce for Dummies. I already have been reading Love Must Be Tough and I started After the Affair last night.
on_my_way_out Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Get out now before the tides are turned. How is it going to feel when she files first and you have to dig out
jesslindy Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 I totally agree with on_my_way_out. You have already lost her. You have nothing to lose except a sure repeat performance when she gets bored or umcomfortable again. File for divorce. It is your only chance. But a chance at what is what I ask??? A chance to live with a marraige with no trust. A loveless most likely sexless marraige! Sure people can reconcile after all of this but IT IS IMPOSSIBLE if both people arent 100% "IN". It is a proven fact that you cannot change your ways permanantly without feeling pain. It is a proven fact you have to "hit rock bottom" to make something else out of your life. You and your wife do not share the same pain. No matter what she tells you. My wife started crying tonight when I picked up my son and said "its so hard to let him go". AND SHE IS THE ONE WHO CALLED ME TO PICK HIM UP!!!!!!! It was just to see if I am emotionally available to her. Maybe her OM told her to take a hike. I hope so. You know what I said, "You'll have to learn to live with that, I had to." Then I walked away singing a song to my son and put him in the car and drove away calmly. Create the reality of the situation. Read those books and grow. Committ yourself to never stopping. You can do it. FEEL your pain and anger and use it to propel yourself forward in life with your kids and for yourself. You can do it!!!
Author 2boys2dogs Posted September 14, 2007 Author Posted September 14, 2007 Well, last night my W went to a "women only" party. While she was there I hit redial on the house phone and it was her work voice mail. The redial had her mailbox number and passcode. I listened to her voice mails and there was one from yesterday and one from the day before from her OM. I text messaged her at her party to check her work voicemail and that was the third strike and she was out! She called me right away and I told her the same thing over the phone. She came home and we sat up while she tried to justiry that they were just friends now. I told her that two weeks ago when I found out about the emotional/physical affair that she needed to COMPLETELY cut all ties off. I told her she promised me she did, then I caught her again the very next day and told her she had one last chance, and now she was out of chances! I called my lawyer this morning and I am filing at 2:00. We went to counseling at 11:00 and I explained everything to the counselor. She reinforced me to my W that there was no chance if she was going to continue to even be friends with the OM. I focused on how we tell the boys. I will keep up my post on how things are going. She went home to cry and I came to work to vent.
ookla_2 Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Good for you, 2B2D!! I know that you are entering some rough times, but you completely did the right thing, for yourself and for your boys. They are much better off splitting time among parents than living with parents who can barely stand each other (and kids can always pick up on that, whether we believe it or not). Stand strong - things are going to get harder before they get easier, but you can do it!!!
Melovator Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 I'm really sorry that you're having to go through all this. But your wife's selfishness leaves you no choice. I'd urge you to read other guy's threads because there seems to be a pattern of female f**ktardery in these kind of situations. Don't let her play head games with you. You are doing the best thing for you and your boys. Have some bunnies: :bunny::bunny: You deserve them!!!!
justfine Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I'm very impressed with how you are handling a most difficult situation. You are using logic and reasoning as opposed to allowing your emotions to take over. It's obvious that your wife has no respect for your feelings and will continue to lie. She's only sorry because she got caught. Stand firm for you will never be able to trust you wife again.
tommyr Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I text messaged her at her party to check her work voicemail and that was the third strike and she was out! My friend you ROCK. I do not envy your situation but I respect the hell out of your actions in the heat of battle.
Author 2boys2dogs Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Well, I didn't file on Friday. I rescheduled for Monday AM. Sunday I spent the day packing up and I moved out that evening. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life! I am moving out for a month and we will see where things stand after my W gets a taste of what I really all did for her around the house. I taught her how to mow Saturday and made her mow. We have 4 acres so it takes 3-4 hours to mow (she will love that). Oh yeah, while she is mowing she will have to take care of the boys and our two dogs...but this was her choice. I will have the boys two evenings during the week and every other weekend. I told her before I left that if she had ANY contact at all with the OM anymore it would be over for good. She said she hasn't talked to him since last Wednesday. I hope she is telling the truth. His myspace page now shows his mood as Disappointed (good for him). Well, back to work...
Author 2boys2dogs Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Well, I just got back from my Lawyers and I filed for Divorce this morning. My W called me to see if I did and I told her yes, and that I would hand deliver the papers to her. She started to cry.
Author 2boys2dogs Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 I forgot to mention that my W has another business trip in Florida from Oct. 1 -5th and is staying an extra week to visit a girlfriend that lives down there. I told her yesterday before I left that I am scared as hell to have her go on a trip so soon and that I am scared that the OM will be meeting her down there. She asked if I wanted her friends phone number so I could check up on her and I asked her what good that would do since her friend could cover up for her! Our 8-year anniversary is two days after she gets back from this trip...
Mz. Pixie Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 I forgot to mention that my W has another business trip in Florida from Oct. 1 -5th and is staying an extra week to visit a girlfriend that lives down there. I told her yesterday before I left that I am scared as hell to have her go on a trip so soon and that I am scared that the OM will be meeting her down there. She asked if I wanted her friends phone number so I could check up on her and I asked her what good that would do since her friend could cover up for her! Our 8-year anniversary is two days after she gets back from this trip... Ummm you filed for divorce- why would you then tell her you're scared about what she's going to be doing on her trip??
Melovator Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 and to go on from Mz Pixie- you kind of don't have an anniversary anymore...(you have a day that has remembered significance but no real meaning- at least that's what I tell myself) and you've filed for divorce so how you are feeling about anything is NOT HER BUSINESS! And your business is being the best you can be for yourself and your sons- not what she does while away. While she's away- don't worry about her- enjoy the time without her around with your kids. Remember she f**ked up not you- you've done a lot of things people on these boards wish they had done to spare themselves so much pain.
jesslindy Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Dude, awesome move filing. If your wife is still going to cheat on you, NOTHING you do, say or feel will change that fact. You have to realize this. You "checking in" on her might only make it worse. No matter how much you may feel that filing might have been the wrong thing to do, it wasnt. If cheating is your dealbreaker, than you need to break the deal. Most likely she hasn't stopped the contact because she up until right about now had no reason to. I hope and pray for you that its true, but please prepare yourself for the worst. It will make it easier for you if its true. Now dont take that as not feeling your pain. You need to ride all those emotions out, so you have clarity on how fix yourself. If you "shut down" and only show anger, you will not be able to truly move forward. Filing for divorce was the right thing to do. Dont forget that. It is not the final nail in the coffin. If you guys can truly reconcile, you'll only be out a couple of hours of attorney fees. No big deal. But please prepare yourself for the worst, because more than likely that is your reality. Im sorry. Stay strong!!
Author 2boys2dogs Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 Well, I picked up the boys went to the house last night to watch them while my W went to meet with her lawyer. I was just finishing cooking dinner when she pulled into the garage. When she walked in I gave the boys hugs and told her I was going. She asked me to stay for dinnner and I said no and walked out. Today she asked me if I was going to move back into the house and I said no. She said now that she is reaching out to me I am being negative and resisting. I asked her why all of a sudden she wanted to try. I told her it sounds like an act to save face with her friends and family. She is angry because her Dad and her two sisters will not talk to her because of what she is doing to me. She is being selfish and everyone is telling her that she is.
mourningMM Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 She goes to lawyer, She decides it is time to play nice. Cause-effect Lawyer probably pointed out that right now she is in a rotton bargaining position. Yes, I'm a cynic...with very good cause. My ex convinced me that the only way he would try to work on the marriage was if I signed a separation agreement. At that point I was willing to try anything. So now, after the divorce(no-fault instead of abandonment), I only get $300/month from him towards each of my two children. Who suffers? Me, the kids, the cats and the dog. He married the OW, and they have a lovely home, her ring could pay for a year of college tuition. Watch out, cheaters are very tricky people when they realize that their duplicity may affect their wallet or lifestyle.
Gunny376 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 mourningMM right! "Be wary of Greeks bearing gifts!"
Author 2boys2dogs Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 Well, yesterday she asked me to come home for dinner. I did, and we sat out on the deck and talked well into the night. She asked me to move back in and cancel the divorce. I couldn't answer her. I told her that while she was deployed overseas I was home planning a big trip for our 8th anniversary. She told me to make it happen, not just talk about it. She also asked me to go with her to her conference Oct. 1-7th. She told me she really wants me to do all of the things I have been promising her. I asked her if she was willing to return the passion and romance. She started to say that I was wanting her to be someone she never was. I told her BS, she was that woman for the OM. I asked her if she didn't think I was worthy of the same passion and romance she gave him. I am so confused right now!
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