Author cj1988 Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Thanks for watching my back OOKLA.......nice to know someone does every now and again. I am doing better, still in my confused mode, but this is the rest of my life and that takes time.....glad to have people to talk to like you !
ookla_2 Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 I just hope I didn't sound harsh...she has a LOT to think about and truly would benefit from the great advice on this board...and would get more if she started her own thread. You hanging in there, cj? Everything okay?
Author cj1988 Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 Hello OOKLA, Yes I am hanging in there, but it is not easy. I cant get past the fact he is not the same. He use to be so sweet and loving, still is to a certain degree, but I am the main one showering him with compliments, sweet texts, cards etc. He brought me flowers every month for over 6 years, I got a bottle of perfume last year (from the drug store, he and the sister went to get the day of my party) For X-mas I got a bag to do your nails, that was it ( normally jewelry, sexy clothes etc) he did feel bad that day, but he did it in front of our kids. He has a best friend that is 14 years younger than he is and he is seperated. So, he comes over they hang out drinking on the porch etc...(my H hung around him and his W when he was avoiding me all those months, causing problems with them) Or my H will go to his house now insteaf of coming home and when I say something he says he is a grown man do NOT tell him what to do. I tell him that I would rather be with him during my free time than anyone on the planet, obviously he does not feel the same. He has always been immature in a way but I knew how he was when I married him, so I cannot complain about that now....BUT we were hanging out after work and getting along better, now he is up his friends butt. When I told him that I come straight home so I can see him (I cant wait to see him everyday after 13 years) he tells me that I am just mad because he is not shoved up mu A-- isntead realizing I want to be with him. I consider him my best friend and i have told him that, he says nothing. He tells me that we have been together for years and I need to stop acting like a teenager, but he is the one drinking and smoking until 10 to 12 at night (3 stimes in the last week) he stopped drinking for a while during the week, but he and his friend get drunk when they are together. My girl friends tell me I am their hero and they have no idea why or how I stay with him....they know he is a good guy and genuinely like him a lot, but they said he does not treat me with the respect I deserve and he is definiitely not as into me as he had been before the sister. Some tell me to give it time, he is gun shy and thinks I will hurt him again....I am beginning to think I won by default and if she had not been his sister he would have been gone.... I really do not know. I tell him how much I love him and care for him, he says the same when I do that.....he said that 13 is just a start for us, BUT that is as long as he can do what he wants when he wants and NO ONE can tell him different. I am being unreasonable that I ask him to come home or not to sit outside until time to go to bed? Many nights we would lay down early and he was too tired for sex, BUT he can come to bed at 1AM like he did last night hanging out drinking in the driveway? He and his friend knew I wanted to spend some intimate time with my H and when I finally went to bed at 11 and said something about that, he did not care, he just brushed as it off as if I was being demanding and goofy ! Damn it, I lookk good for my age and a lot of men would love to be with me, I am not conceded I know that....so why is it the one that I want to spend time with and be with would rather party with his buddy....by the way, they are together all day as well. He rides to work with my H and my H takes him home....so they are around each other from 5:30 AM until 4PM everyday, enough already....but the more I say something the madder he gets and does not care what I say....should I just leave or what, he is not going change.....he may if I leave him, then it is too late !
ookla_2 Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 cj.... Sometimes we hang on for dear life to what "used to be", and ignore what "is" right now. He does not have the right to treat you the way he's been treating you. He simply doesn't. He is the one who put doubts in your mind, he is the one who should be making amends, and he isn't. Not only that, but when you DO try to stick up for yourself, he brings up a long-ago incident in which he was hurt by you (that I still question - since you two were broken up!). He isn't fighting fair, and he isn't taking you into account at all. I can't tell you what you should do - sadly, we all have to figure that one out for ourselves. I can tell you that you won't be able to go on this way for much longer. It's not healthy.
Author cj1988 Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 OOKLA you are correct. I am starting to think he may be BI-POLAR. I will tell you why. Some days he is in the worst mood in the world, yelling at dogs, about our kids, house whatever. He was like that Tuesday. Then yesterday he calls me on the way home, nice as can be, very loving all evening....I said "baby you are in a totally different mood than last night" he just looked at me like he did not know what I was talking about. We breifly discussed a friend of ours, his wife just up and wanted out after 12 years when they had a big fight, my H quitely said " she was seeing someone" I said why do you say that, he said " why else would she just want out all the sudden" I said " you did that to me" he said, "not the same, you accused me of INCEST, you have accused me of things for years and I could not take it anymore" .....now do I believe that, NO ! I accused him of teh affair, we talked and cried all weekend. The next 2 weeks we tried to talk he kept getting upset, crying, shaking and having so called "anxiety attacks" next thing I know 16 days after the accusation, I asked him to put his wedding ring back on, in other words **** or get off the pot....he said "Fine, I want out, move on".....after that comment it was down hill from there for me. He would come home when it was time to go to bed, he would ignore me crying and begging, he would blame it all on me. He had no feelings for me at all. That went on for months and on FEB 11 I asked, "Are you still in love with me" he said with a tear streaming down his face " No, I am sorry I am not in that way, but I do love you very much". He said that day he had to leave and cry he coould not tell me what it meant. He said that he was in love with me for 11 years so deeply that he lost himeslf and it was unhealthy and he never would fall that deep for anyone again and then get hurt. I did hurt him A LOT over the years, name calling, telling him that I might be sleeping with someone else when we had a fight, I have slapped, punched, kicked and blacked his eye, he has NEVER touched me. So, I guess he really should have left a long time ago, but he loved me and forgave me everytime...but not totally because he will bring everything I have ever done to him up in every fight we have....so you see he is a hurt man, but that does not justify what he has done now. I am not like that anymore and have not been for years, I had a lot to work out inside and when I did the anger stopped. He said that when I accused him of sleeping with her it was the last straw, what was I going to next? He said then you told my mom and my sister (the one he grew up with) I was sleeping with her, what are you doing to me? He said I am selfish and I do not want him to have anything in his life but me and I was not going to do that anymore. He said that he lost hmself and started to doubt everything about him after that and had to get away or thought he did. I am not taking up for him by no means or making excuses, I just want you to know the big picture. He is not a bad guy or maybe he is....he says he has demons that he keeps inside and when all that happened, he just wanted to die, did not care anymoe. He said I drank all the time and smoked more dope than you can imagine, I just wanted to run away and never see anyone I knew again. He said I have never in my life loved, trusted and believed in someone like I did you and you shot that to hell. If you knew me like I know you, this would have never come out of your mouth. So, you see, he is a hurt broken man that probably crossed some line with her, emotionally or both and now cannot forgive himself or me......sad but true.
ookla_2 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 cj... I know I've said this before, but I will say it again....he does not fight fair. There's no way you can stand up for yourself with someone who doesn't fight fair. He HASN'T forgiven you for the things in the past if he insists on bringing them up every time you get into an argument. What he's doing is deflecting the issue off of him and back on to you. The issue is not what you did back before you were married, or ugly things you have said (and really, I'm glad you have gotten control of that) during arguments. The issue is not even whether or not something happened with him and his half sister. The issue at this point is how he treats you. He shows no concern for your feelings or emotions...it's all about HIS. He is taking no ownership for the current state of your marriage. The closest he comes to taking ownership is by saying he has a hard time forgiving what YOU'VE done to him! There are two people in a marriage. Your life cannot be all about worrying about whether or not he is happy. He needs to show you that this marriage is worth saving, because right now it seems that all it is doing is making you miserable. And all that talk about how crushed he is because he "lost" himself in his love for you or whatever....crap....total crap. Don't be swayed by that. It's just another way of deflecting. When we love someone, we love them as people. People who are flawed and will occasionally let us down. We figure out a way to move on from there, not to continually dredge up the disappointed feelings. Have you been to the lake house lately? Is he still Mr. Wonderful there, and not at home? You may be onto something, with the bi-polar issue. Has he ever talked to a counselor or therapist? Or does he insist that he is fine, that YOU are the one with the issues? (I'm guessing it's the latter?) Hang in there, my friend. It may get tougher before it gets better, but it WILL get better. It simply has to.
Author cj1988 Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 Hi my OOLKA friend. I know he is full of crap and a lot is BS to make sure I feel bad and has to feel nothing about what he has done. That way he is out of the spot light if it is continually on me. We went to the lake house last night and he was the sweetest most loving thing in the world. We are at the lake house every weekend and are making plans to live there next May. He is very happy there ( very peaceful and nice) and I am as well. He has never felt as if the other house is his ( I bought it before him ) so this one we started together (still just in my name, it has been in my family 15 years). I know he is depressed and just wants to finally belong some where and yes, he said he fine, he knows himself and does not need help or therapy.....he said I do for my insecurities, admits he has them too, but mine says mine control me and his does not. He admits being depressed and having another side to him inside for years. I believe we all have a good and bad side, but he said he keeps his in check.....he said he feels like he is going spontanious combust one day, but cannot tell me why...says he just feels that way and it is not just one thing....at the end of the day......I do not have to hear that and take care of him anymore if I leave.....as his mom said I was his strength the last 12 years, then she was his for 1 year, when is he going to stand on his own 2 feet?
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