Ruby Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Can someone change? I keep telling my partner that I cannot put up with his silent treatment when he is annoyed at me yet he still does it as I keep allowing him back after he has done it. He doenst call for a week and then expects to call and its all ok Do you think that if I end it with him and dont see him or talk to him that it could make him see what he has lost? How long would I have to not see him for it to scare him and make him realise? Is it possible he could change this, as this is the only problem we have in our relationship and I am willing to do anything to show him I wont put up with this anymore and to get our relationship back on track.
Krytellan Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 I don't get the sense you have the resolve to stick it out. So as long as you're with him he will do this. Direct relationship. If he learnes to stop doing it, it likely won't be with you because you enable the behavior.
birdie Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 I don't agree with Kryt making it sound like it's your fault but the point is that the two of you are not compatible. it might be that you are ok from every other aspect but if you can't communicate, I don't really see how you have a future. have you actually sat down to talk to him about this or has it always been just arguments on the phone with some distance between you?
Author Ruby Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 I have spoken to him about him but he never says sorry or admits he was wrong. I do understand that this is not my fault and that I have tried to talk to him about it. He needs to change and not me. My question is that would it be possible for him to change or is this a problem that will never be reolved? I ask because I love this man and its easy for everyone to say "get out he is no good " but it isnt that easy If I really thought that he would never change then it would be easier so that is why I ask this question.
Author Ruby Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 I understand that he has not been nice doing that to me but he has also got away with it as I forgave far too easily What I am asking is, is it too late now?
Krytellan Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 He needs to change and not me. I disagree. You need to change that you allow it to happen to you. As long as you're in it, it will continue to happen. Your willingness to "be there for him and loving and cutesie open arms for him when he decides he finally wants to come back to you" interferes with him having any reason to change. Why would he?
Author Ruby Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 So the only way I can sort this out is to end things for good? He cant change? Is that what you are saying?
birdie Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 I have spoken to him about him but he never says sorry or admits he was wrong. I do understand that this is not my fault and that I have tried to talk to him about it. He needs to change and not me. My question is that would it be possible for him to change or is this a problem that will never be reolved? I ask because I love this man and its easy for everyone to say "get out he is no good " but it isnt that easy If I really thought that he would never change then it would be easier so that is why I ask this question. I don't think it will ever be resolved if you can't even talk about it. it's not whether he says sorry but whether the same issue keeps coming up if you are not getting anywhere with him then no, I really don't think it will ever change. don't take it as a rejection towards you, it's not about MAKING someone see what they are missing. he is different and the two of you are not compatible
2sunny Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 i thought in your other post - you decided to end it... why are you second guessing your decision? he views his reaction as acceptable behavior and you do not - so therein lies the problem. he would only change if he viewed it as a problem - but he doesn't.
Author Ruby Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 I have just told him to get his stuff right now as I have left it outside and I have told him not to call me anymore. He sounded astounded and said "why" in an incredulous voice. I said "because I dont want you to" and he said ok He then called me back on a witheld number (my work calls on witheld so i have to answer them) and said he will call me later - I told him I didnt want to and he said "I dont care, i will call you later"
Author Ruby Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 This is the problem! He does not take me serious that is why it has gone this far. I can see it now I love him so I just go along with it to feel better, that is why he does this and its also why I forgive so easily My eyes have been opened If he knows he has lost me he will realise but it will be too late!
Krytellan Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 This isn't over you know. He will come over and tell you that he will change and that he's sorry, he just didn't realize... And I suspect you'll listen to him and you two will get back together and it will start all over again. That's just my hunch. Is it right?
2sunny Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 stick to your decision. he is still portraying controlling behavior by calling you again.
Author Ruby Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 Kry you are probably right He has never said sorry before so if he did I would probably give the chance But I have never ended it before like this I wont answer any more of his calls
Author Ruby Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 I am looking at my posts and I sound pathetic I am sorry if you all feel like you are beating your heads against a wall I am just upset, angry, heartbroken and I just want a magic answer Has anyone else been through this same thing? what was the result?
Saxis Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Yeah, I used to get that way with my X a lot, but not for weeks. Maybe an hour or two. I think I withheld my feelings because I didn't want to hurt her. After I started to realize it was a big problem, I would start writing stuff down/e-mailing instead of talking. Any communication is better than none. Not sure how much it really helped though, as we ended up divorced anyway.
wwjd Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 I am looking at my posts and I sound pathetic I am sorry if you all feel like you are beating your heads against a wall I am just upset, angry, heartbroken and I just want a magic answer Has anyone else been through this same thing? what was the result? you're not pathetic, ruby. the truth is that unless you have been in these kinds of abusive/on and off types of relationships, you will probably never understand just how hard it is to let them go. in truth, it is a lot harder to let go of these kinds of detrimental relationships than other "healthier" relationships. why? because relationships like the one you are/were in becoming abusive and addicting; they become a cycle--a habit. the same situation is played over and over again, with both parties being just as addicted, and addictions are incredibly hard to let go of. it's somewhat hard, i think, to pinpoint exactly when, in these kinds of relationships, love turns to addiction. i know you say you love this man, but can you really love someone who treats you this badly? why do you love him? do you love the good times, the better times, the old times--back when he wasn't like this? maybe you are just in love with the past or with the good times and are desperately trying to cling on to that small shred of hope that, maybe, he will change, so that things can be like they used to, without these games. but to answer you question, yes, he can change. anyone can, but that doesn't mean they will. perhaps he will change after he matures, but that can take years, and that will mean years of this same kind of emotional abuse. are you willing to wait to see *if* he changes, even if it means years and years of emotional pain? if you do, then i think that whatever love may still be there will turn into resentment. i know it's hard, ruby. i was in a relationship just like this. i'd always accept his "apologies" and would always try again, thinking that maybe this time we would get it right. but we never did.
Author Ruby Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 Thank you for replying guys He just rang me - After I sent him a text asking him not to. He rang and witheld his number and my son answered. He rambled on to me about making some money and i asked if he got my text and he said yes. So I asked why he was calling then and he said "we can still be friends cant we?" I cut the call short and now I am so angry Is he deliberately trying to hurt me? he didnt even mention what he had done!
jcster Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Ruby, just ask yourself this question: is he making you happy right now? Disregard good times from the past, and his potential to change in the future. Right now, is the relationship that you have with him satisfying? Do you feel loved, appreciated, and respected? I'm thinking the answer is NO. All we have is now. If this relationship is not working for you, then it's time to end it. I personally don't think he's ever going to change. Stop beating your head against the wall and find someone better.
Author Ruby Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 You are right jcster, the problem is that deep down I know I am not ready to give up JUST YET! I am close, i know that but I still feel upset and i feel like I still love him (it could be addiction) I need to work out my feelings. I know what I am like, when I decide its over then it will be 100% kaput! Until then I will torture myself and probably drive you all insane! You are all so helpful, words cannot say enough thank you's!
wwjd Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 You are right jcster, the problem is that deep down I know I am not ready to give up JUST YET! I am close, i know that but I still feel upset and i feel like I still love him (it could be addiction) I need to work out my feelings. I know what I am like, when I decide its over then it will be 100% kaput! Until then I will torture myself and probably drive you all insane! that's fine, ruby. i believe that sometimes we just have to stick things out until the very end, until we really have nothing more to give. if you feel that you do, that this could somehow be worked out, then go ahead and try one more time or maybe even two more times--however many are necessary for you and him to either work things out or realize that you know and feel you have exhausted ever possible solution to make it work, and yet, somehow, it didn't. this way, in the end, you will have no regrets or doubts--not "what ifs"--as to whether or not things with him could have been different, better, someday. the only regret, possibly, will be of not getting out of this relationship sooner, but if you are fully aware that sticking it out almost guarantees many more days and nights of emotional pain while he gives you the silent treatment, then maybe you won't regret it. surely, this is not the best method, by far. it is the most painful one, but some of us need to do it this way. before you do, though, really, really think and realize that all of the sadness, anxiety, anger, and frustration you are/were feeling these past few days, will probably go away and you will probably be happy come some time, but it most definitely come back again, perhaps with a vengeance, at that.
norajane Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 I keep telling my partner that I cannot put up with his silent treatment when he is annoyed at me yet he still does it That's why he does it, because it annoys you and he knows it. He is passive-aggressive, and is deliberately trying to annoy you instead of dealing with whatever issue he has that makes him want to annoy you. He, of course, will never admit he's doing it to deliberately annoy you. You have two options to short circuit this: - end the relationship, which you say you have done... - don't let his behavior annoy you. If he gives you the silent treatment, fine, don't call him, don't try to talk to him or contact him. Let him stew. Then when he comes back like nothing happened, keep your distance. Don't let him back in so easily. Make other plans. Be busy doing other things. Tell him, gee, it's been so long since we've done anything together, I've made all kinds of other plans... Keep doing that, make it harder for him to step back into the relationship, and he'll see that his silent treatment just means he'll be alone a lot longer than he expects each time, and he'll do it less often. The key is do not let him see that his behavior bothers you - just show him the consequences of his behavior. Since he deliberately is trying to annoy you, if he sees that he's not succeeding in annoying you, he'll stop doing that. Of course, he may try something else to annoy you then...
VirtualInsanity Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 He can change but I doubt he will.
Author Ruby Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 Well I have ended it with him so lets see what he does now! If he doesnt come back then he was not mine to start with!
Krytellan Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 That's the point Ruby! Please understand that he will come back. He has to. He has to prove to him and you that he controls you and can make you do what he wants. The only thing that is even a question at this point is are you going to fall for his bulls**t and go back to him like he expects (and frankly, I expect) you will? Start preparing yourself now, because there is no question what comes next, only how much it takes for you to tell him to piss off... and mean it. It will likely take a few times of you taking him back in this little dance before you truly realize what you have to do.
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