Anger! Revenge! Vendettas!

[Curmudgeon]

I can hardly believe what I read here. It makes me wonder why anyone would want to date anyone else in this day-and age.

 

Too many people seem to be motivated by what I wrote in the subject line. Over the past several decades it's been my observation that our society has lost much, iof not most, of its civility but some of the posts here seem to surpass even that.

 

What are those people so angry about? What's so earth-shattering about the end of a non-committed relationship that someone has to plot revenge. What satisfaction do some people get from plotting vendettas against a perceived wrong by someone who wasn't that big a part of their lives in the first place.

 

Is it all about being right? Winning? Coming out on top? Saving face? Being in the driver's seat? Proving something? If so, there are an awful lot of very emotionally fragile people out there in more need of therapy than a social life.

 

When I divorced in the 90s after not having dated since the 60s the mere thought of it was very scary. Times had changed as had societal values and mores. What a relief it was to discover that among those my age, the differences weren't so great and most had matured delightfully.

 

I don't worry about my children, three of whom are happily married with loving, supportive and dedicated spouses. I do worry about my grandchildren, however. What kind of anarchistic, anger-filled, unsociable, winner take all, amoral, violent and uncivilized, inconsiderate society will they be facing?

 

Before anyone gets froggy and jumps, nowhere have I said this applies to all. I recognize it's only some but it crops up more and more here and that, coupled with the rising anger-fed youth crime rates tell me this is just the tip of the iceberg.

[JackOfClubs]

That's an astute observation, but I hardly think it's limited to LS.

 

I'm not sure if I'm just more sensitive to it or if it's really on the rise, but in the last six months alone, I've read about dozens of murders by ex-boyfriends/husbands on either their ex-girlfriends/wives or their new loves. At least on LS, it's just talk and maybe venting anger, but no fatalities to speak of.

 

In Texas recently, two cops lost their lives (and one is critical) responding to a domestic disturbance. A drunk husband was threatening to beat his wife and when she ran to the neighbor and called 911, the first responders were met with a hail of gunfire.

 

On a personal level, the girl I'm seeing has an ex who's called me twice, threatening, in the last six months. Not sure what he'll do once his probation is up (from physically abusing her). For now, I'm too much in love to be afraid of him making me a statistic. Unfortunately, since has children with her, I'm bound to run into him sooner or later and then we'll see if he really is a cowardly woman-beater or if he's deranged enough to try messing with me.

 

Anyway, it's a much more selfish world out there. In line with your observation, I guess people need to start thinking more about how they affect others. Wiser minds than mine can probably offer better thoughts on this.

[Curmudgeon]

That's an astute observation, but I hardly think it's limited to LS.

 

Definitely not limited to LS. That makes it even scarier. Anymore, all too many seem to think that violence is the answer. Road rage is a prime example and has led to deaths, over what? Not being able to do 90 because someone in front of you is driving a mere 70 in a 65 mph zone?

 

It's all about selfishness, lack of control, lack of values and no consideration for life, anyone else's that is.

[Star Gazer]

I agree with you completely, Curm.

 

"He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves." - Chinese Proverb.

[allina]

Some people get very psychotic when they are rejected, it's uuuuuuugly

[whichwayisup]

Life is too short to be pissed off all the time, hold grudges, plan revenge.

 

I used to have temper when I was younger (me being a redhead and all, lol) but as I've gotten older and wiser, I've realized half the stuff many get upset over just isn't worth it. Life is too short!

[oppath]

I had a vendetta against my ex when I learned her ex proposed to her 1 week or so before our breakup. She accepted christmas gifts from me after it happened with no mention of it, and dumped me the next time I saw her. We had a fight because she was too busy to see me -- not just 1 night -- but over a whole weekend, and she wasn't explaining why...it was because she was seeing him. The entire time we dated, he never knew about me. He'd fly into town to see her and spend the night at her house, and I wasn't aware of it. She also emailed me asking me to be FWB after the breakup, after I had asked her 4 times not to contact me because I was hurt and wanted to move on and heal, and in response to me saying "I deserve more than that; I'm not going to whore myself out to you" she said "I was just joking." That was when I learned about her ex proposing from a mutual friend. I took her statement at face value, that she was joking with my emotions, and...

 

I felt USED, OBJECTIFIED, BELITTLED, BETRAYED, and that our relationship was FRAUDULENT. I did not know how to cope, and I threatened to tell her ex about me if she couldn't tell me the truth about the breakup. I wanted my revenge, because there were numerous points in our relationship, after I put the pieces together, where she directly lied to me and manipulated me. I wanted to be right and for her to be accountable for my pain.

 

It was the lowest point of my life and the fact I even acted that way, the only time in my life I had EVER expressed anger, taught me many many lessons.

 

After some reflection, I realize that I had never learned how to express anger because I've been taught anger is BAD. Now I've been trying to express anger more often, in small quantities, without reacting. I can say "I feel angry" or "that upsets me and I'm really angry at you" without reacting.

 

I personally we feel we rarely learn how to deal with our anger. We are taught any expression of anger is wrong. In fact, it is ok to raise our voice, it is ok to yell, it is ok to be very angry and to let someone know you are very angry. What I learned is that I can just say "I am angry" and to focus on the feelings of why I am angered, rather than reacting to that anger. But the reason I reacted, quite simply, is that throughout my life I have bottled up all my anger because I was raised not to express it. I was also raised not to express affection well.

 

In my journal I've since made a guideline for when I am angry and how to interact with someone who has made me angry. At the top it says tell him/her "I feel really upset and angry with you right now. I felt really hurt/insulted when you said/did x,y,z." There are other options below that opening line depending on what outcome I desire.

 

It was the only time I've ever gotten really angry. No road rage. Never been in a fight and I've played LOTS of competitive sports, usually 3-4 at a time. I am far from an angry guy. My reality was shattered. Because I had never expressed anger, I snapped. Of course, I did not follow through either because I realized I was wrong.

 

Maybe it's the breakdown of the nuclear family. Maybe it is because people struggle to express affection, and additionally struggle to express anger for similar reasons: they don't know how to intimately express themselves.

[whichwayisup]

Crap, I tried to edit my post...I didn't mean to write life is too short twice in my post! LOL! Oops...

[Trialbyfire]

I recall my rage after D-day. I got my pound of flesh out of my ex-H and the OW. Once that and my divorce were complete, I was able to move on.

 

I also recall my contempt and anger at another situation, not too long ago. It's also gone, completely replaced by contempt.

 

Anger and revenge have their uses.

[Curmudgeon]

Anger is a very real and natural emotion. So, too, are felings of disappointment and betrayal. At issue is how you deal with the anger; whether in a civilized and controlled manner or in an out-of-control, uncivilized and barbaric manner.

 

I will be the first to admit I had an anger problem for much of my life but I kept it controlled in the sense that I didn't sdtrike out in anger against any person. I would, however, take it out on inanimate objects.

 

Interestingly enough, during the course of my separation and divorce from the ex while she was cheating, alienating my children and trying her best to leave me penniless, I finally got a real grip on my anger and let go of it. In fact, what used to make me angry now amuses me because most of it is folly. Besides, it drove the ex mad not to be able to push my buttons. That was an added bonus of my newfound control.

 

Anymore, I honestly believe that anger is simply and nothing more nor less than an expression of fear -- fear of the unknown, fear of not being in control, fear of being found wanting, fear of the consequences, you name it.

[whichwayisup]

. I would, however, take it out on inanimate objects.

 

It's funny how far certain objects can fly after you give'm a good hoof.

[Trialbyfire]

Hmmm...I've never viewed anger in this way, in reference to fear. I'm not certain if my anger or rage can be viewed in this way. I'll have to consider that.

 

I tend to think in barbaric terms but got my pounds of flesh all within the confines of the law.

 

As it stands, surprisingly, the ex-H and I are now friends. He's made core changes which are impressive. With this in mind, it's like acquiring a new friend who understands in jokes. If he remained in denial, I would have had nothing to do with him. I can't stand denial. It's a coward's way.

[tanbark813]

I think it's at least partially related to the increasingly out of hand political correctness of society, especially with regard to the raising and schooling of children. More and more, kids are protected from anything that might hurt their fragile little feelings. No more dodgeball because it singles people out, scoreless sports games, no charts of gold stars for comparing students' performance and inspiring a healthy level of competitiveness, etc... Everyone is told they're special and equal. Bullshyt. Some people are better than others at certain things and kids need to understand that. The problem is that some parents and administrators are so overbearing in terms of emotional "protection" that kids never learn how to handle negative emotions or rejection or constructive criticism. Then they enter adulthood with a lack of skills or coping mechanisms in this area and can't handle the inevitable rejections, negativity, shortcomings, failures, etc... that is simply a part of life.

[climbergirl]

I think it's at least partially related to the increasingly out of hand political correctness of society, especially with regard to the raising and schooling of children. More and more, kids are protected from anything that might hurt their fragile little feelings. No more dodgeball because it singles people out, scoreless sports games, no charts of gold stars for comparing students' performance and inspiring a healthy level of competitiveness, etc... Everyone is told they're special and equal. Bullshyt. Some people are better than others at certain things and kids need to understand that. The problem is that some parents and administrators are so overbearing in terms of emotional "protection" that kids never learn how to handle negative emotions or rejection or constructive criticism. Then they enter adulthood with a lack of skills or coping mechanisms in this area and can't handle the inevitable rejections, negativity, shortcomings, failures, etc... that is simply a part of life.

 

Yeah, it seems lately that anger has taken the tone of 'entitlement'. To me, anger isn't an expression of real feelings anymore, but a tactical method to get what one wants. Seems that some parents feel that it is their job to protect their kids from everything, and that is an impossible task (to cushion them) once they get into the real world. No way to learn empathy, IMO.

[Curmudgeon]

Yeah, it seems lately that anger has taken the tone of 'entitlement'. To me, anger isn't an expression of real feelings anymore, but a tactical method to get what one wants. Seems that some parents feel that it is their job to protect their kids from everything, and that is an impossible task (to cushion them) once they get into the real world. No way to learn empathy, IMO.

 

No way to learn any coping skills either. Most unfortunately, with catering parents and permissive schools, the children are learning no true sense of responsibility. Bad behavior is explained and justified away. As adults, should anyonen have the temerity to question them, reject them, challenge them to succeed, without their Mommy and Daddy crutches they can't cope and erupt in frustration and anger. Then they're shocked that some element of society still holds them accountable for their actions and discover that there really are consequences such as finding themselves locked up.

 

It's as if today's society is raising an entire generation of libertines and spoiled brats who will ultimately turn out to be sociopaths with no regard for any human being but themselves. They just can't connect. They've never had to.

[Saxis]

Interestingly enough, during the course of my separation and divorce from the ex while she was cheating, alienating my children and trying her best to leave me penniless, I finally got a real grip on my anger and let go of it. In fact, what used to make me angry now amuses me because most of it is folly. Besides, it drove the ex mad not to be able to push my buttons. That was an added bonus of my newfound control.

 

Anymore, I honestly believe that anger is simply and nothing more nor less than an expression of fear -- fear of the unknown, fear of not being in control, fear of being found wanting, fear of the consequences, you name it.

 

Agreed. I still hold some anger over my separation and divorce, but after accepting that it was going to happen whether I wanted it or not, I've calmed down quite a bit. We've been pretty good at keeping our distance, until just the other day, she was purposely saying things to make me jealous and mad, and I responded with, "NO CONTACT PLEASE!". I don't think she liked the fact that she no longer has control over my emotions, because now she's been trying to message and call. Just not worth the wasted energy....

[jcster]

I think it's a symptom of our current culture, which seeks to assign blame for all mistakes and exhalts the victim. What was once unthinkable behavior has become the norm. Everyone has a beef with someone, and no one feels any need to keep it to themselves.

 

I wish those damn kids would keep off of my lawn, too!

[Trialbyfire]

Anymore, I honestly believe that anger is simply and nothing more nor less than an expression of fear -- fear of the unknown, fear of not being in control, fear of being found wanting, fear of the consequences, you name it.

C, I honestly thought about this and can't apply it to me. Except for after D-day, with a short span of rage, my anger makes me very cold and focused. It's a form of natural barrier against any softer emotions and is useful in directing energy towards whatever I choose to do, without interference.

[annabelle75]

C, I honestly thought about this and can't apply it to me. Except for after D-day, with a short span of rage, my anger makes me very cold and focused. It's a form of natural barrier against any softer emotions and is useful in directing energy towards whatever I choose to do, without interference.

 

do you realize you just describe yourself as a sociopath?

[jcster]

my anger makes me very cold and focused. It's a form of natural barrier against any softer emotions and is useful in directing energy towards whatever I choose to do, without interference.

 

I think that anger can be a very productive emotion. In it's "pure" state, it stems from an awareness that we weren't treated as we feel we should, and I think that in that form it's a healthy expression of self-worth. But, it's so easy to hold onto anger past its expiration date and then it becomes resentment. Most of the posts that I've seen on LS that were the most disturbing to me stemmed from some very deeply rooted resentments. I'm really aware of it right now because I've been very busy rooting those resentments out of my own psyche - it's amazing how they stack up!

[Trialbyfire]

I think that anger can be a very productive emotion. In it's "pure" state, it stems from an awareness that we weren't treated as we feel we should, and I think that in that form it's a healthy expression of self-worth. But, it's so easy to hold onto anger past its expiration date and then it becomes resentment. Most of the posts that I've seen on LS that were the most disturbing to me stemmed from some very deeply rooted resentments. I'm really aware of it right now because I've been very busy rooting those resentments out of my own psyche - it's amazing how they stack up!

I agree. It's very useful for boardroom battles and situations where strong communication is necessary. I find that most people have difficulty communicating, which turns into worse when they're emotionally overwrought. As long as you don't hold it beyond the necessary period, it's like every other tool. Useful.

[Trialbyfire]

do you realize you just describe yourself as a sociopath?

Cool! I no longer am constrained by issues affecting mere mortals.

[underpants]

My anger makes me very cold and focused. It's a form of natural barrier against any softer emotions and is useful in directing energy towards whatever I choose to do, without interference.

 

I think a sociopath is a stretch.

 

However, I have been at this point. Personally it takes alot to make me this mad, however, once the switch has been flipped, well, I guess that is my discretion.

 

Also, I am more prone to fight battles for other people then for myself, and I have alot of patience. I have a much lower threshold for bad treatment of others. Some friends never know.

 

It is a wicked and calculated thing.

 

When you remove all emotion you are capable of alot. Most completely undetected.

 

A woman can be a warm ember or a cold sword. Careful how you treat people.

[Trialbyfire]

I think a sociopath is a stretch.

 

However, I have been at this point. Personally it takes alot to make me this mad, however, once the switch has been flipped, well, I guess that is my discretion.

 

Also, I am more prone to fight battles for other people then for myself, and I have alot of patience. I have a much lower threshold for bad treatment of others. Some friends never know.

 

It is a wicked and calculated thing.

 

When you remove all emotion you are capable of alot. Most completely undetected.

 

A woman can be a warm ember or a cold sword. Careful how you treat people.

More times than not, I'm far more straight-forward than a knife in the back. To me, the knife in the back routine is for people who don't have the balls to stand up for themselves. You know the type, the ones that also enjoy their little secrets.

[Curmudgeon]

More times than not, I'm far more straight-forward than a knife in the back. To me, the knife in the back routine is for people who don't have the balls to stand up for themselves. You know the type, the ones that also enjoy their little secrets.

 

My kinda woman!