StartingOver07 Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 I posted this a few days ago: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129275/ What a doozy this turned into! Turns out that Wednesday’s silence was ominous. He got back into town Saturday (a day earlier than planned) and wanted to get together. I couldn’t because I had (and still have) a houseguest. I explained that we could both come out but that I couldn’t come out alone. He was furious. He hung up on me and then spent the rest of the night texting and calling me to accuse me of all manner of things -- general selfishness, wrecking his weekend, having someone else on the side, you name it. Anything I said in my defense escalated him, causing him to shout louder and speak more viciously. It was during this series of accusations that I found out that I had responded "incorrectly" to one of his texts on Wednesday and that he hadn't called because he was "disgusted" with me. I finally turned off my phone at about 1am. The next morning, he called again and it was as if nothing had happened. Hi, how are you, blah blah blah. I commented that the previous night was not ok and that I wasn't prepared to just move forward as if it hadn't happened. He then started up again, shouting me down whenever I tried to interject, asserting that I had been in the wrong and that I needed to apologise to him. He said things like, "Listen up, I need to teach you a lesson..." And when I wouldn't "get it" (translation: I wasn't apologizing) he'd tell me to "pay attention, I'll say it again with smaller words." I didn't talk to him for the rest of the day yesterday and then today he texted and emailed... again acting as if nothing had happened, trying to make plans for another date. This time, I have not responded. He left a message on my phone earlier and I have not called back. He has called a few more times but not left a message. Am I over-reacting in feeling frightened? Because that’s exactly how I feel at this point – hunted and scared. Any words of advice on how to deal with this would e much appreciated.
allina Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Why do you want to deal with an angry man to start with? I think this nasty type should be avoided. I would suggest cutting off communication with him now, since you just recently met him and haven't invested much in the relationship. Guys like this only get worse, if he's behaving like this after a month just imagine him after 6 months!
Curmudgeon Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 I agree. Why would you want to deal with someone that unstable? I would hope you value yourself more than than that.
Author StartingOver07 Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 Sorry - I wasn't clear. By deal with, I meant end things with. He continues to call and text and I feel that non-response is going to trigger some sort of outburst. I guess I am afraid of finding him on my doorstep at 2am. I was thinking that someone with more insight into this type of behavior might have some suggestions for the best approach. I have no desire to continue seeing this guy. If this is what's happened in just 2 weeks, I can't imagine what will be next.
Curmudgeon Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Stay alert, dial 911 if he shows up and demand entry and don't be afraid to seek a restraining order, especially if any texts or e-mails are at all threatening. Other than that, NC. Don't respond to anything no matter how tempting. It will just prolong it. I can't offer you any insight other than to say he's obviously a very disturbed individual.
oppath Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 At first it sounded similar to a fight me and my ex had 6 months into our relationship just before we broke up, except I only called with anger once, and there is a notable difference that it was in response to her saying "I don't know, I'm busy" when I got back into town and asked when we could exchange christmas gifts and celebrate my birthday, being busy meaning she couldn't see me that weekend because she was seeing her friends and she was not willing to invite me along too when I suggested compromises. And in reflection, those are not similar situations. Let's see (1) He's mad that he can't see you on a night when you didn't even know he was going to be in town, so there was no confusion over hypothetical plans. (2) You did make a compromise to still see him. (3) Assuming he had a reason to be angry, one phone call would be justified, but not many with many texts. All you can do is say straight up "You were uncharacteristically angry with me the other night, and it is too soon in a dating relationship for me to have to deal with that. I'm sorry if I somehow upset you, but I don't feel we should see each other." But I really don't know how to handle this. Maybe someone who has dealt with anger problems can give better advice. How have his other messages been? Still angry? Apologetic? Nothing happened?
allina Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Stay alert, dial 911 if he shows up and demand entry and don't be afraid to seek a restraining order, especially if any texts or e-mails are at all threatening. Other than that, NC. Don't respond to anything no matter how tempting. It will just prolong it. I can't offer you any insight other than to say he's obviously a very disturbed individual. I agree with this 100%. And good to hear you want to drop this loser, smart woman
Author StartingOver07 Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 At first it sounded similar to a fight me and my ex had 6 months into our relationship just before we broke up, except I only called with anger once, and there is a notable difference that it was in response to her saying "I don't know, I'm busy" when I got back into town and asked when we could exchange christmas gifts and celebrate my birthday, being busy meaning she couldn't see me that weekend because she was seeing her friends and she was not willing to invite me along too when I suggested compromises. And in reflection, those are not similar situations. Let's see (1) He's mad that he can't see you on a night when you didn't even know he was going to be in town, so there was no confusion over hypothetical plans. (2) You did make a compromise to still see him. (3) Assuming he had a reason to be angry, one phone call would be justified, but not many with many texts. All you can do is say straight up "You were uncharacteristically angry with me the other night, and it is too soon in a dating relationship for me to have to deal with that. I'm sorry if I somehow upset you, but I don't feel we should see each other." But I really don't know how to handle this. Maybe someone who has dealt with anger problems can give better advice. How have his other messages been? Still angry? Apologetic? Nothing happened? His other messages have been as if nothing happened. Except that I can hear the tone in his voice changing slightly as more time goes by without me calling back. I guess what I am wondering is whether I should just maintain NC or call and specifically state that I don't want to see him. Being a polite person, there's that part of me that wants to do the "right" thing and tell him what I'm doing and why. But I am not sure if that's the smart thing to do here. I have never dealt with anything like this. Oh sure, I've had guys mad at me , but not like this and generally only when there really was a reason -- you know, when you're actually in a relationship and you have a fight! Even then, I've never been acused of some of the stuff I was accused of the other night. Frankly, I don't understand why someone who apparently thinks so little of me wants to spend any time with me at all!
Lishy Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Honey I dont want to scare you but please proceed with caution. This guy is not the full ticket so you have to break it off with care. If it was me I would text him and tell him that you do not want to see him/hear from him again. Let him think you still have house guests so that he does not think you are alone at home. Or you could even lie and say that you are staying with friends in another state (I dont know your living arrangments and what he knows about you) But the bottom line is this, tell him its over (you know how best to do it) let him think you are not at home or that you are not alone and then dont answer ANY calls or texts and hopefully he will get the message. If he doesnt then do not hesitate in contacting the police if you feel your safety is in danger. Keep posting here as well for some support and to let us know how it is going ok? Good luck hon Ps: You are doing the right thing this man sounds psychotic
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