Jmina Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Sorry if this is long winded or confusing... my head is a little confused and so full of different emotions it is hard to make it all clear, but i will try my best My ex broke up with me 4 months ago... She said she still loved me very deeply but it wasnt the right thing for her at the time. I was shattered, heartbroken, desperate ... after a couple of weeks we got back together 2 or 3 times but it always ended in more heartbreak and another breakup... She said she never would have let it get this far if it wasnt for her dealing with the death of her nanna who was like a mother to her.. Did she mean the messyness of the break up or our relationship?? We have had 2 or 3 horrible fights towards the end of the break up (the start of the break up was still kind of peaceful and we were kind to each other and thoughtful of each others feelings) where i have always tried to make peace, as i just didnt and dont want to fight with her. I dont feel the need to be angry with her and fight. However i just make her angry or i affend her. She has totally misinterpreted me countless times as it has been hard to sort anything out as she would only talk through text messages or instant messaging, because she "went blank" on the phone. A few times she has put what she thinks is "two and two together" from my myspace page but has really seen something that was nothing and am just astounded at the accusations that she has made. For Example, she new about my relationship before her as we used to be good friends and would confide in each other about everything. So in our relationship She was always worried i would leave her for him! I would never dream of it, and i tried to make her feel secure about it. So with that in mind after reading a blog on my myspace that said i was angry at men she jumped to the conclusion that i got back with my ex before her. I was so shocked and lost for words at this, as i wouldnt dream of it. All i wanted was her back. We sorted it out but she still brings it up now, so i dont think she ever really got over it! My heart has always been in the right place, but she says she cannot forgive me. It is really hard for me to handle because a lot of what she is upset about is just not true. There is no truth in it but her anger is out of my hands. She can't seem to open her heart and see me as another human being who does the best that they can at any given time...Once she did say that to me and i thought we would be okay for the future as in friends, but then she let her self get angry and it just got worse. I want to live with an open heart. I will always love her it is something i am very certain of. I can forgive her for the grief i have endured through the whole break up and till now. I guess if she really loved me she would know where my heart was...maybe in time she will see that i was never out to get her. I find it hard that she can't forgive me. She said i was her first love and she really did love me and had never felt this strong about anyone before... if it was true love doesnt that mean it will always be there deep down, but it just might change? or have i upset her so much, and made her so angry that she resents me and could never make peace? She said in anger that she wants me out of her life, but says she will still send me pictures of our puppy we raised together as he gets older. Also she texted me out of the blue to message her if i happen to find any of her stuff as she is moving house and will have a different address. We were so close, and so sweet to each other, we just adored each other and we told each other that every day. We always told each other we would never leave each other then one day she said "i dont think im ready for us" devestated... Now i am so sad because i keep holding on to the fact that we might reconcile as friends but i fear it wont happen. I feel deep down that she does care for me and that she does love me... but it is something she could never tell me. Not for now anyway. If only she knew the truth that i never tried to or wanted to hurt her. I now know that i have pushed her away with trying to 'fix things' (which was counterproductive) Once she was very grateful for an apology i had, but since then she became cold and distant. We are both girls, and were both new to this type of relationship. she is now interested in guys, which isnt suprising at all as when we were in our break up she said "i dont want to spend the rest of my life wondering" I still feel so connected to her and i care about her so much. I will always love her and i will always want the best for her... I hope that one day we can be friendly to each other, a smile would go a long way, a nice message or email would also go a long way. I feel that i will be able to move on from her and be happy, but at the same time i also feel that i will always have a deep sadness if we do not re kindle our connection.. We did have a great connection which is the reason we decided to try the relationship but in the break up we thought maybe we were just meant to be great friends. We thought that maybe we just got confused as we were attracted to each other and loved each other very much and had such a strong connection but we werent meant to be in a relationship. The timing was bad too. I hope one day we can be great friends...the way maybe it was meant to be. I love this woman so dearly. she is so cherished by me. I can only wonder what will happen and judge it from our last conversation which went from a heated discussion/argument but then ended calmly, with her asking me about my family and me asking about her new job etc. She ended it with "talk to you another time" she also said in the same convo that she cant forgive me. so i guess she just needs ALOT of time but one day she might be able to forgive me, i really hope so...since i really never tried to hurt her, and never tried to manipulate her like she believes. I can explain the situations if you need, but i don't feel it is neccesary right now. Too much to read! please help if you can We have been in NC for about a month. seperated for 4.I know she isn't doing great but is trying to handle her grandmas death and trying to move on. I wont contact her again because i know that it will disrupt her healing and also mine too. i wish she knew that i only send her well wishes and nothing else. maybe one day she will feel it. right now i feel happy that i love her so much and that i can still love her from a far. Again please open your heart and help me, some guidance on what the best thing to do now for me is. thankyou!!!!!!!!
niceguy27 Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 She is just testing the waters. If you two are meant to be together, you have to convince yourself that this is just a small bump in the road. Opening up and letting someone in for the long haul is a BIG step for most people. Let her stretch her wings a little and trust me, she wont forget the times you had together. Shes just tucked them away for a while. One day she will realize what she wants. You or someone else. As cliche as it sounds, TIME is the ONLY thing that can figure that out. Hang in there and try to read through posts on this forum. There are a lot of people going through the same things as you are and it helps TREMENDOUSLY to be able to express yourself freely on here and get honest and empathetic advice from others who are sharing their losses too.
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