Am i in Denial? Or Following my gut? LONG

[angie16]

My thread is around on a couple postings.

 

Its day 12 after breakup with BF (soulmate, best friend, first love, roommate, life partner, etc) of 2 years. (him 29, me 28). I am doing MUCH BETTER. I have been keeping busy and traveling for work. Last night i went out with friends in our old neighborhood and i lost my will power and called him and left a message that i wanted to come by. He didnt' call back, and i got a little miffed.

 

I texted him that i was angry and rehased some stuff about the break up (over text, i know, dumb).

Anyways this morning he called me on his way to work. He was angry, pissed off, and we got into that same old argument again. (I was fully moved out of our apartment day 2, no loose ends there).

He said that i haven't given him any time and that one day i want to be friends and then the next day I am getting angry at him, and he can't deal with that (which i understand, i have been all over the place with this).

 

But then he said something that took me aback. He said that I left HIM! He said that I was the one that broke up with HIM!

 

Come again? I am like.. what are you talking about, yes I MOVED OUT, but you ENDED the relationship when you came home from work 11 days ago.

 

Granted, 3 days before he broke it off, I did come home from a work trip and i was very sad. He had been dodgy about the marriage thing for the past year (even though he began the relationship talking about it CONSTANTLY and even took me ring shopping and got me a place holder ring, i am talking month 2 people). His father did die 7 months ago, but thats all covered in another thread.

He asked what was wrong and i told him that i just needed the reassurance that HE was going to PROPOSE to me ONE DAY. Not tomorrow, no ring in the next year, FINE. I just wanted to know that he still considered me the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

 

He answered with a SHRUG.

 

I got angry and left for like an hour, came back and said that we may need some "space". But that i didn't know what that meant or if i woudl move out. The next night we talked some more and he said that he wanted to make it work, and i agreed, but said he couldn't tell me anymore about anything, because his head is everywhere from his dad's death.

I never considered us broken up, not by any extent.

Then 2 nights later he comes home from work, tells me he can't give me what i want, and then asks if I want him to leave the apartment, or if i want to move out. I was SHOCKED. Struck DUMB. so i moved out still in disbelief. That is what i consider to be the end of our realtionship.

 

So we kept talking this morning on the phone, it was still angry, but then he said that if i had all this to say i should say it to his face. I go, you want to meet up? Like, we haven't seen each other in 12 days, what would we accomplish by seeing each other? Either way i told him i had to go and hung up.

 

So what do i do? I want to give him space, at least a few weeks, but now i am confused. Is he telling people I LEFT HIM? Does that mean the ball is in my court with/if getting back together? (i don't think it is).

 

Should i call him tomorrow or later tonight and set up a time to meet?

I hate to be old fashioned, but i really think that with our relationship, we coudl be better, much better, i really think the core love and devotion was/is there, but since we broke up because HE coudln't tell me anymore that he wanted to marry me, i really feel like its his call.

 

right?

[niceguy27]

I really think you should meet face to face. It would be better to do that because you can express yourself wholly and be able to judge his reactions in person. After this much time together, you both owe it to yourselves to talk. And when you each talk, LISTEN to what each has to say.

 

Good Luck!!

[curiousnycgirl]

WHOA! Isn't this the guy who told you it as over because his brother didn't like you?! How on earth can anyone interpret that as you dumping him?!

 

Clearly whether or not you meet with him is up to you - and you can play it as soft or as hard as you like.

 

If you choose to play it hard, then make sure he owns up to what HE did!

 

If you choose to play it soft, then go in saying who cares who said/did what - how do we move forward (either with or without eachother).

 

OY my heart goes out to you! I am so sorry you are going through this now.

[angie16]

yes, his brother and mother and god knows who else's opinion about me finnaly was told to me after the breakup. Which i think is absolutley the reason that he was pulling away to begin with...

 

I guess i have to figure out if he is still someone i want to eventually marry, or if he is just a good boyfriend, and decide if being alone and being open for a new (possibly better) relationship is the way to go, or attempting to work it out(if he's willing) is the option. I am just so scared of getting rejected AGAIN.

 

I am feeling now that i could start over with him. Like date, see how it goes, but i have no idea what he's thinking/feeling. I would absolutely not move back in with him or anyone else unless i have someone on my finger (that the biggest thign i've learned from this).

 

i guess i figured he was done and never watned to see me again, hence the reason i was taken aback by the "face to face" comment, even if i am reading way too much into it.

[angie16]

after work, starbucks, we are meeting. i don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what i want. i dont' know if he wants me.

 

i feel like the only way i can get back into this relationship (if he even wants that) is that i have to be able to say to myself and him, that i dno't want to get married right now (or anytime soon), and mean it. my biggest fear is that we give it another shot and i'm back here a year from now.

and i don't know if i can do that.

[angie16]

after work, starbucks, we are meeting. i don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what i want. i dont' know if he wants me.

 

i feel like the only way i can get back into this relationship (if he even wants that) is that i have to be able to say to myself and him, that i dno't want to get married right now (or anytime soon), and mean it. my biggest fear is that we give it another shot and i'm back here a year from now.

and i don't know if i can do that.

 

Well here's the thing. I actually took the advice of one of the ebooks online for this meeting. I asked him to meet for coffee, kept the convo under an hour, and didn't bring up our relationship.

We just caught up. I was happy, joking, put together, and kind.

I didnt' bring us up once. he didn't either.

We talked about what we've been doing the past two weeks, I told him about my trips for work and all the people I've reconnected with, he told me about seeing old friends and how his brohter is back in town for school (i know, i know).

It was good. I left before i wanted to, cut it short, and he walked me to the subway. He kept trying to keep talking about anything (even went on about our wireless router for 3 mins), and i just smiled and engaged the convo. We embraced for 3 mins and then we kissed (just a peck). I said it was good to see him, and he said the same. I got on the train and felt immense sadness.

I love him so much. And we had a great time last night. just convo and catching up. we joked and laughed. I couldn't believe this was possible after how much arguing and fighting we've done.

I am not going to contact him for a few weeks and see what he does. He mentioned that some of my mail was still coming so that he'd meet up with me to exchange that. I said that was nice of him and went on my way.

 

So I guess i'm content/sad/trying not to be hopefull. We had a like i guess another first date. I really missed him. I do still love him very much. I don't have any idea what he was/is thinking now. I am still going to try and date and continue with my life, but i just hope we do go out again. I realized how tense our realtionship had come when he showed up. His body language was screaming (we're about to have a fight). I hugged him and smiled and he immeadiatley calmed down.

 

These past 2 weeks I've done some insane soul searching as well. I do realize how obsessed i was with getting engaged, and the timeline is so clear to me now. I feel horrible how glazed over i had become about rings, and weddings, and how tragic the death of his father had been this year.

 

I should have never moved in with him after the 2nd month. It so obvious to me now what happend. Yes he came on strong, but i jumped into it and shoudl have made a timeilne with him before i moved in. When my bithday came around (month 6) and i didn't get a ring, i realize i CRIED in front of him, even though he had given me an amazing present from the heart. That was the beginning. I was hurt and resentful that i had moved in and he hadn't proposed in a few months. and a year and a half later we are here, as my obsession and then anger grew and grew and grew. I cleared out all the bookmarks on my work computer the other day, and i was shocked to see that 70% were wedding sites. I am not letting him off the hook, he kept huge secrets from me and closed me off after his dad's death, but its a two way street.

 

I gave up all my friends, didnt' go out after work, and became entirely dependent on him for my social life. He was shocked to hear all the things i had done for work and all the people I had re-met over just 2 WEEKS. I realized that i wasn't the same person 2 weeks ago that he meet 2 years ago. And I guess i just wanted to show him that i could be that girl he fell for again. So i am going NC for the next 2 weeks and see what happens.

 

(even in the back of my mind, i know that its possible his mother/brother have put the eternal nix on me, and in that case, i dont' want to be with someone that weak.)