MissyMoon Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Hi all, I have posted the thread "What am I to do?" earlier. Thanks to all the heart felt comments and suggestions that you all have given, I have come to the conclusion of leaving, or at least separating from my husband when he gets back 2 days from now. I wonder if I should tell him about my infidelity. Ofcourse I cannot tell him who I was unfaithful with since it will hurt my OM (H). H doesn't want anyone to know of our affair mostly because we have been so close for a long time like brother and sister, our family knows each other and we share the same close friends. My husband wrote an email to me apologizing to me and asking me to stay after I wrote an honest email to him about my feelings. I don't have any illusion of him changing his ways and giving me what I desperately needed in our relationship. I don't have any more illusion that he would change. I wonder to myself whether I should tell him about my affair when he left three weeks ago. A part of me wanted to tell him, and another part of me didn't. The part of me that wanted to tell was the fact that I wanted to be honest with him. The other part I felt that I should not hurt him with the knowledge before I leave him. A part of me is curious as to his reaction. What do you think? Should I tell him or not? OR Should I take this to the grave?
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 If yur leaving him and he's gonna find out anyway's why not tell him the whole truth? Why prolong the pain. That is cruel and inhuman, and you wanna know what at the end of the day your gonna know you destroyed your marriage. If you want to start being honest with your husband you tell him everything. And the OM needs to shut up because he was big making the mess but does he have the balls to clean it up too??? I dont think so. Trust me, people are more hurt by the lies and deception more than the affair itself. I hope everything works out for your husband.
LakesideDream Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 By all means Tell Him! Cut loose the burden he's become as quickly as you can. As there are no children involved it seems that the field is completely open for you. Obviously you will be best served by cutting ties with your husband. He has no upside. You are only staying with him out of duty. Lord knows you don't want to be stuck in your dead end marriage when he's bald and toothless! As for your young man "H", he isn't the one either. While being an admirable stud, he doesen't posess the attributes or the portfolio to satisfy you either. I suggest you keep him for physical relief until you are able to find a man who can provide the lifestyle you desire in perpetuity. Don't worry about what others think, or about morality, or loyalty. Those things are not as important as the ability to succeed financially. When others are enjoying their "golden years" with someone they love, you can be counting your "gold bars" able to buy whatever you desire.
Lizzie60 Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Don't tell him.... Why hurt him more... you're leaving him so... leave it as that. Sometimes all truths are not good to say... (forgot the exact wording LOL)... anyway.. my advice: don't tell him.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Don't tell him.... Why hurt him more... you're leaving him so... leave it as that. Sometimes all truths are not good to say... (forgot the exact wording LOL)... anyway.. my advice: don't tell him. He's gonna find out one way or another, shouldnt she be a real woman and own up to telling the truth?
Mustang Sally Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 My own personal opinion, if you are planning to separate/divorce him, is to NOT tell him. I just can't see what he would gain (that is helpful) from this knowledge. How would it clarify your M situation in any way? How would this help? I guess if you can think of ways that it would be CONstructive to this otherwise DEstructive process, then maybe you should tell him. For instance, if you have an open, honest, civil parting of the ways, maybe the "whole truth and nothing but the truth" would be the best approach. Chances are, if things get ugly, it will come out anyway. It sure would give him another reason to despise you, if you are looking to be the villian... YMMV. Good luck.
Lizzie60 Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 He's gonna find out one way or another, shouldnt she be a real woman and own up to telling the truth? and why do you say he's going to find out one way or another...why are you so sure he will? He may well never find out...
shakenandstirred Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 and why do you say he's going to find out one way or another...why are you so sure he will? He may well never find out... I am somewhat shocked at your responses sometimes Lizzie. Honestly he may never find out, but if he wants to play sherlock holmes, he just might. Everyone would want honesty, but I guess some people think keeping secrets is just ok. Especially harmful secrets. Maybe a lot of women have a wild side while the portray being a good girl. I don't know. Men do the same. {sigh} I guess honesty is over rated:o But I truly hope not.
Flyin in Clouds Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 I am somewhat shocked at your responses sometimes Lizzie. Honestly he may never find out, but if he wants to play sherlock holmes, he just might. Everyone would want honesty, but I guess some people think keeping secrets is just ok. Especially harmful secrets. Maybe a lot of women have a wild side while the portray being a good girl. I don't know. Men do the same. {sigh} I guess honesty is over rated:o But I truly hope not. The people that like to keep secrets are .... wait for it .... cheaters. After all that is a prime requirement to be a cheater, an superior ability to lie and get away with it. A basic character flaw - the ability to be dishonest and think nothing of it. By all means MissyMoon don't start being an honest person now... it's a little late. To thyne own self be true.... My husband lived with me for almost 3 years without getting the formal papers for his divorce. I had resented him for that. It had brought me a lot of pain and shame since I am asian and he refused to understand what it means in our conservative Asian community.And what would your Asian community think of infidelity? Before you pass judgment, check the source. I have never been with a married man and did not have sexual relationship with my current husband before he decided to leave his wife.Uh... is this denial? You had sex with your current husband before he was divorced... that means you had sex with a married man. No other way to spin that one. It doesn't matter if he had left his wife, intended to divorce some day ... he was still married. What does the "worse" part of "for better or worse" mean - to you? (We don't need to know - but you certainly do). I love my husband dearly more than anything. I've heard that one before.... I loved him but I cheated on him... Maybe your husband would be interested in a menage a tois? It is some men's greatest fantasy.
Trialbyfire Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Since a divorce is pending, you decide how much honesty means to you. For me, it means a lot to me which is why it's important for me to have healthy relationships, whether it's friends, family or love interests (in any capacity). If something doesn't resonate true to me, it erodes on my core.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 I am somewhat shocked at your responses sometimes Lizzie. Honestly he may never find out, but if he wants to play sherlock holmes, he just might. Everyone would want honesty, but I guess some people think keeping secrets is just ok. Especially harmful secrets. Maybe a lot of women have a wild side while the portray being a good girl. I don't know. Men do the same. {sigh} I guess honesty is over rated:o But I truly hope not. Me too! Also what's the saying: What's done in the dark always come to light. Did lizzie ever think about what would happen from the OM's side let it slip he was banging the wife before she even divorced? or the OM taunting him in some fashion? or he finds an old email? or he finds out from the kids? There's a multitude of ways he could find out. Better to be honest now than to be branded a liar later. There might be a time when she needs him in the future and he wont even be there for her, because he'll hate her. I seen it happen. trust me.
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