What do I do?

[ohfudge]

I got to know a guy from work and we became real good friends, I would actually say best friends. He is married with a child and from the very beginning I made sure he understood that I don't get involved with married men. During our two years working together we became very close we talked practically about everything, his wife and child, my life and so on. But even though we were really good friends I refused to meet him outside off work. If we get together with other friends no problem but alone no, it is my personal belief that married guys shouldn’t be going out with female friends if the wife is not aware of the friendship.

He pushed me to go out with as friends but I kept refusing. To get the point just a week or so ago we were talking during lunch about a hypothetical situation where a married guy is in love with a co-work and he used me and him as an example and how would I feel If I was in this situation. I said no way would it happen with me because I think with my brain before my heart. He said if the married guy chooses to be in love with me especially if he can’t live without me then that is his problem to deal with not mine. That he is entitled to his feeling and I don’t have to love him back. He pushed me so much during that lunch hour to change my thinking and be open minded. As I mentioned before he knows me so well and I think he uses doubts and fears against me.

You see I am 31 years old and still a virgin and he knows that about me (total coincidence that he knows since it is something I keep to myself, very weird to a be virgin at my age). He knows I hate the fact that I am still a virgin and he keeps telling me because I am so in control of my emotions I will end up being alone and miserable (he didn’t use these exact words but he would add them every now and then in a conversation) That day he kept saying stop analyzing this or that and for once go for you got feeling so by the time we left the table I was totally freaked out.

That week I decided to tell me what I thought. I emailed him and told him that I know he has feeling for me and if mislead him in anyway I was sorry but this is not going to work out. I told him he was stressing me out with his insistence and consistent reminder that I need to lose my virginity in order to be normal. Please understand that I do care of that guy, but not the way you think. I think him and I make great friends. We get along so well that is why I ignored the signs over the last 2 years because I wanted to keep our friendship going.

To be honest I was hoping he will get so offended since he is a very proud guy that he would break up our friendship that how stressed I was . I didn’t have the guts to do it so I was hoping he will do it for me. What scared me more was his response back. He was very understanding and apologized for giving me the wrong signals. He said he was attracted to me a while back but no more. A second email he sends me responding to my email says that I am right all along and he is sorry for pushing me. Second day after email we talked on the phone and he changed his mind and he said that I was reading into things.

He is a very smart guy so for him to keep changing his mind made me very uneasy, he was uncertain about what to say. He knows if he admits that he loves me it would freak me out and I would stop talking to him. What do I do? I have never been so confused. I care about him a great deal because he is been there for me and I know he needs me but I am so uneasy about the whole thing that I am starting to freak myself out. Should I listen to him when he says that if he chooses to love me then that is his problem? Any advice is appreciated

[My2Cents2]

O.K. Here we go. The answer to this situation is simple. Applying it is a bit more difficult. As a woman, especially a single woman, you cannot afford to be friends with married men. I never believed this until I ended up in a disaterous situation. I became friends with a guy at work who was separated from his wife. He said he was never going back to her, but he also never filed for divorce. We were friends for over a year, just hanging out and going to lunch, before we got involved. I was a virgin, too, and that makes you particularly attractive to a man.I was always frank and upfront with my friend, even when he did not want to be. Once I realized it, I asked him if part of his attraction to me was in regard to my virginity. After some time, he admitted that this was true. I should have run, but continuing to hang out with someone and seeing their funny, good traits can blur the lines and make you forget your principles. It was only a short matter of time before he went back to his wife. His reasoning was that he did not want to be divorced if he had the opportunity to make it work.

 

This does not sound like your case, but I am trying to establish the fact that we have been in somewhat similar situations. My advise to you is not to get into situations with men that are not fully available to you. It is extremely risky, especially when they have someone they can turn back to at any time. Besides, if he leaves her for you, won't you fear that one day he may form the same type of relationship with someone else and leave you for them?

 

It sounds as if he is manipulating you with confusing conversations, particularly if he knows you as well as you say he does. Treat this guy the way you would want another woman to treat your husband. That will cut down on a lot of confusion and you won't find yourself in this situation again if you remember that principle and live by it.

 

By the way, your style of writing makes me think that you are from eastern europe. I could be wrong, though.

[ohfudge]

Thanks for the advice.I guess it take some in the same situation to give you the right advice.

 

I really do like him but not in the way you think. I think we make great friends but this is as far as my feelings go. It hurts a bit to end our friendship but I kind of figured that I am going to need to do.

 

About my background, I an Egyptian living in Canada so english is my second Language

 

Thanks again

[Liquinn]

Not sure on a spacific awnser, do what you think's right really.