pinrazr Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Hi everyone! First of all, I'm new so I just wanted to say hi! Secondly...my question. I have been in a serious, long term relationship for the past 5 years. We have had our problems and have broken up once before (and I admit, it was my fault the first time because I was too controlling around him), but shortly after reconnected and have ever since been working on repairing our relationship. While we have had some problems, for the most part, things have been really good this time around. He would tell me how happy he is that I'm trying so hard for him, and how he wants more than anything for "us" to work. However, I have noticed that for awhile, once in awhile he would get very negative and cold towards me. He would say hurtful things to me and threaten to break up with me, even if we had a small problem that wasn't even serious. Within the past month or so, things in his immediate family have become increasingly worse as a result of his sibling's mental illness. This has caused him a lot of anxiety and stress...on top of the new job he got in which he feels as if he's disappointing his coworkers. Additionally, he constantly worries about his social phobia. Two weeks ago, we were having a great time, and he was telling me how happy he was, how much he loves me, and how he thinks things are going to work this time. He even sent me e-mails telling me about all the things he wants us to achieve together. Just three days later, his mood changed entirely, with him once again yelling at me and telling me that he never loved me and lately just "doesn't feel anything" anymore. He said he is the type of person that needs to be alone. When I asked him to explain, he couldn't. He broke up with me a few days later over the phone, giving me no explanation and then literally hanging up on me. I'm not only devastated, but extremely confused. I know despite his words, he loves me. I started doing some research, and found his actions to be consistent with a person suffering from depression (push away those you love, say hurtful things, and failure to feel emotion). I confronted him with a few stories about depression, and while he admits that they sounds like him, he adamantly refuses to seek any help...perhaps because he has seen through his sibling what mental illness does to a person and is scared. What do I do? I want to be there for him because he is truly a good person, and I want him to know that I will support him whenever he is ready. I really want to believe he will come around and realize that we worked well together, but sometimes I don't think he ever will. I constantly worry that I was the cause of this...and wonder if his "problems" will go away when I go away. Neither of us has contacted one another since the split. My friends tell me that he is the one who should re-initiate contact, but I want him to know that I'm still there for him if and when he needs me. Any ideas on how long I should wait for things to "cool off" before I let him know this? Anyone have any advice? I find myself unable to concentrate, sleep well, or enjoy the other elements in my life during this time because I am constantly trying to figure out what I did wrong and what caused this to happen. This is so hard to deal with alone, so if anyone can offer any help, I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance, everyone!
justfine Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 I take it he's your BF, you're not married. I can see how and why you're so attached to your BF after five years, but, this certainly looks like a blessing in disguise. Are you sure it's in your best interest to help someone with a mental illness, who doesn't want to be helped? It might be better if you moved on and found someone who didn't have so many problems. After all, he left you. Might be the best thing he could have done for you.
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