Kitty04 Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Hello, My husband (of just 2 months) and I have been talking about divorce lately when we fight. I am very much torn on if we are prolonging the inevitable or being stubborn and short tempered with one another. Here is the situation: My hubby and I met about 2 1/2 years ago, he lived out of state (met him while traveling). He moved to my home state (for cost of living, job, family reasons) and we were married. He travels frequently for a living, so most would say it would be silly of me to make this a big issue in our marriage. However, we discussed his traveling AT LENGTH and he promised me after a year or so he would begin looking for a new, local position. This time has come and gone, and not only is he not trying, he has recently flat out stated he has no intention of doing so. He did submit one resume to the local company, and feels that was proof positive he has no chance of getting a local job since they never called, so he has given up trying. I want him to be here with me so much, to finally start our life together as man and wife, make dinners, take walks, talk, be with each other. I really miss our time together, feeling like we are a couple. He treated me amazing and was very caring, loving, attentive, etc. This is diminishing more and more each week, as he is also becoming increasingly frustrated with me. Also, prior to moving in together, I had a very happy and comfortable life in a tiny, but safe condo. I do not feel comfortable in a house alone. I am fearful of break-ins, etc. as we live in a neighborhood that is increasingly less safe from violent crimes. He has gotten me a dog and a security system, but nothing can replace the safety of people seeing my husband here with me, rather than me alone taking out trash, alone walking dogs, alone tending to the yard, etc. I am always alone, quite lonely, and feel unsafe about it. Unfortunately the real estate market and the addition of a dog prevents a return to the safety of a high rise condo with a 24-hour security desk. I have friends and try to keep busy, but he has begun getting upset when I do things when he is on the road. He gets angry and shuts down. Generally he is not at all the person he used to be. I try to be understanding of this as life on the road can be a challenge, but I am losing sight of who I am and what we got married for. I am so resentful of him having made me this promise to stop traveling and not thinking anything of the impact to our new marriage. When he spends a few days at home, we bicker, the atmosphere is tense, and I am not at all sexually attracted to him, which is the cause of his frustration. I have a very difficult time finding myself attracted to a man who lacks respect enough for me to not care about being with his new bride. He gets mad, I get hurt, we argue, threaten divorce, and then he grabs his bags and returns to the airport. If he is home for a weekend the tension begins growing about sex almost immediately. I feel so used and insulted that he breezes in and breezes out of our "marriage" thinking everything is okay as long as we were intimate. He makes accusations about my not wanting him sexually because I have found someone else, which compounds the hurt because I feel like he doesn't at all realize it is HIM I want, nobody else. I haven't so much as had the thought cross my mind of someone else, since I just don't find myself wanting to have sex period, I am so saddened and feel so helpless by this situation. This is very different from how things used to be. He is 35 (this is his second marriage). I am 31 and this is my first. Have any of you found yourself in a similar situation that might have advice? Thank you~
justfine Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Since, you've only been married for two months, you probably can get it annulled.
Tony T Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 It is very clear that he is in serious breach of his agreement with you to find local work and devote more time to you. It's obvious that he, like many others, put their best foot (and BS) forward during the courting stage in order to sack a bride...and now is off and running in other directions again. This should be totally unacceptable to you. It seems a divorce (or annulment as was suggested above) may certainly be in order. But first, you ought to seek counseling together to see if there is some middle ground, some compromise...some way this can be worked out. In direct talks with you it seems he's a bit of an arsehole so perhaps a professional therapist can assist with this process. I'm very sorry this has happened but you don't need to live a life of loneliness and seclusion. This is not what you were promised or what you bargained for. If he's not a man of his word, it's far better that you leave him right now than to wait until you get pregnant or otherwise get too financially or socially embedded in something you don't want. If he doesn't agree to go to counseling, then let him know you love him and that you want the best for him...and the best for him is a life without you because you will grow bitter and make his life miserable if the two of you don't part. Then see an attorney and begin the proceedings.
LakesideDream Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Have you abandoned the feminist cause? Afraid to live in a "big 'ol house" with nothing but a security system, dog, and frying pan to protect you? You actually need a man there to make you safe? Oh my goodness what's the world coming to? Seriously, you do have at least one legit gripe, your husband is not looking for that local job. On the side of reality though, it's been two and a half months since marriage, and things aren't going well.... it might not be the best time to blow away a secure source of finance and advancment. He did relocate to you, in a strange place.. with no "network" in his profession to look to for support. That's a huge leap of faith. You didn't mention either whether you were employed. That could make a huge difference. I suggest you gather some courage and patience. Two months is not a long time. To expect your demands to be me so soon after marriage may not be realistic.... Oh... and it might help for you to be the woman he married, instead of a nagging, dis-satisfied, cold, harpie when he is home. He might be more enthusiastic about pleasing you.
Author Kitty04 Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 Thanks for the advice everyone. I appreciate the time you have given me. I think this is just a mater of resentment. I miss my independence quite a bit, I feel like I traded everything I loved in to just be lonely and misled. I bought my condo at 22, have a master's degree and a wonderful job, and enjoyed my life completely and now feel like I am tied to a house I don't want, all for the love of a man who is never here, and I resent every aspect of it. I think a lot of this boils down to me seeing myself turning into everyone I never thought I would be, someone misled by a man. Since my hubby has been away this week, I think it finally sunk in. He has acknowledged the toll his travel and empty promises have taken on the relationship and he is starting to make inquiries for local jobs. And I will be patient, after all, all I ever wanted him to do was try. Thanks everyone.
mental_traveller Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I agree with Tony. He made a promise to you an a very important matter, and he has broken it, making no attempt at compromise. He is also now behaving disrespectfully to you in other areas. This is more than enough reason to leave the marriage, most likely things will get even worse. I would give an ultimatum here. Insist he addresses the matter, and you both go to marriage counselling. If he refuses then inform you you intend to leave now while you have the chance to start again. You don't want to be divorcing at 45 after a decade and a half of misery and lies. Basically tell him it's one last chance or you are out of there. Then you will see how seriously he takes his marriage and whether he loves you or not. If he doesn't change now then he never will.
Gunny376 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 BS! Its not about jobs, money, BMW's, the condo on the beach nor the lakefront home, its not about keeping up with the Jones'! It's not about the bass boat, the ski boat, nor the Skidooo's. Its not about impressing anyone! Living in the mansion on the hill, sleeping on satin sheets! Its about one woman loving one man and one man loving one woman right now! We're all are going to end up (hopefully) in a 6X6X3 hole in the ground! What matters? Is the NOW! What matters? Is the here and now!
Road Rage Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Kitty04 You`re not jumping the gun when there is a problem humping the hun after two months.
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