Peggy Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Well, maybe I am overreacting. And I hate that I am that lonely and involved that I would even give this so much thought but it has caused me recent pause for thought. Perhaps there is some humor in it that I do not quite see. It seems the one person who I have thought to be some important in life and supported these past 8 years and who has been engaged now for years is getting down month before the wedding and I have some real vibes we are not invited. The web site is up and there are plans solidifying. It is a huge event. Costly and yet so inclusive. Others have been asked to keep the date open and we have not heard a thing. Parties occurring and we have not been included. Coworkers, friends, colleagues, students, family all planning to attend. On top of that our social circle is all a flutter as they are all invited, it is a huge wedding out of state. The best man is a fellow coach. The coaches past students are coming back from college to attend. All the past officer families are planning on attending .....except for us. So many have asked me about it, assuming we are attending but it is embarrassing. By leaving us off the list it calls attention to the fact that something is just amiss.....perhaps his fiance must not be comfortable around me or it is just a clean break with the past. It cannot be an oversight. Of the supportive parents I was always at his side for 8 years. I would think we would have been included. Why am I so desperately lonely and sad. Perhaps I should just pretend not to notice. It is not fun to be left out of the fun. The parents group is planning to attend and stay together. Left out and embarrassed and a bit hurt as well. We sincerely wish him well. So folks that do not share a huge history and are acceptably detached are attending and we are not invited. On the other hand maybe I am over reacting. They placed the wedding details on a web site. Guests will stay at such and such.....buses will pick them up at this time.... If it is posted? Should I just try to be more direct and hint that we cannot wait for the event and are marking the date? I feel silly. It is my own empty heart that is breaking. Yes, I want to us to be included in the wedding. I am proud of him and like her very much. I respect his parents and enjoyed and always liked his friends. I know as he has told me they found me a bit too involved..... a source of jest and puzzlement I am sure. Over the years when we met he always kept me out of family events and his friends found me attached. He was a master of venting to them, good fun and then turn around use me as his secretary and support. It is true I often felt like a step mother. Am I wrong to be embarrassed? guess we will wait. Be happy it is one less event to attend. I will just hedge with our social group that we were not able to make the event or change the subject. We will be happy for them and send a card, gift certificate or some such nicety. God ....why am I so sad? In the end if he wanted us there it would be very clear that we would be invited. Why should i want to be where we are not needed or wanted. It is a celebration and a moment so important. .... must have been so deluded to have thought we were better friends. It would not have been so hurtful had it been a small event ...but this is so clearly a joyous celebration - huge with over 300 attending. We wish them well. Is there some face saving way to cope? or hint heavily we would like to celebrate too!
sb129 Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 ?? I know as he has told me they found me a bit too involved..... a source of jest and puzzlement I am sure. Over the years when we met he always kept me out of family events and his friends found me attached. He was a master of venting to them, good fun and then turn around use me as his secretary and support. It is true I often felt like a step mother. Could you please expand on this? What is your R to the guy? Are you in a R?
sb129 Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 And no, you can't be asked to be invited. It puts them in a difficult position, and it makes you look like you are grovelling. If you aren't invited, then you will have to hold your head high and accept it. Harsh I know, but thats life, sorry.
norajane Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 I'm not sure I understand the connection to the bridal couple...you are the groom's friend? If you are a friend, why don't you just ask him why you weren't invited? Or, if you want to be more subtle, congratulate him as you hear he's getting married next month...and maybe he'll bring it up why you aren't invited. Are you his ex-girlfriend or something? Bride might not want any exes at her wedding.
Author Peggy Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 Past history. We worked together side by side for a year. He left the position and stayed on as a coach. I stayed on as parent of a student and secretary. I adored him . 8 years. Followed him like a groupy. He found it fun and took advantage when it worked out well. I gave him food and advice. Parenting. Was one of the first to know he was dating his assistant. Traveled with him to nationals. Gave many hours for the team. Mainly I was a parent of a student as well who is going into his own field of coaching. She graduated and became his intern. His fiance even looks like she could be my daughter or my younger self. He knows I love him and I am proud of him. I watched him grow up 22-30 is a long time to know someone, traveled with him to nationals. Emotional attachment on both sides then more on mine as my husband traveled a good bit.
Author Peggy Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 We talk once a month face to face- coffee. I feel like an aunt and yet not really a part of the family. Those early years we used to email and talk daily sometimes 4 times a day. ...then we went to this email and talking weekly thing. We both knew it was a lot. Then when my child graduated. we would just talk face to face. No more emails and still talk on the phone about weekly. And wnen we run into each other. A year ago they went on vacation and asked us along, we could not make the trip but my daughter went along....I knew it was to get as many folks together so their costs would be lower. We never had them over for dinner although we have met them for dinner several times. Seemed like we could not make the transition to couple friends. He and I are friends. I will always cherish him. He knows that....and I know he appreciates my insight and help.
Author Peggy Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 I guess I am still jeolous. He finds it so easy to have the less attached types, wealthy patronic parent supporters included. They hardly know him. Do not know him like i know him. with us ...it has to be that he just used me. Vented to family and friends that I was way too attached and then just used me. Since now I am no longer a parent. No longer easily definable and....very clearly the prototype of the fiance. Both of us are less than 5 feet tall -- both of us same hair style. Pretty rare. Both of us love him dearly. Just best not to have me around. And he never did feel close to my spouse. Always felt guilty for our time together.
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