awkward with men I am attracted to

[Noos]

Ever since I can remember, I've felt nervous around men I feel attracted to. i'm a INFJ perosnality, naturally reserved. I often feel pressure in one-on-one situations to be funny or entertaining so they don't think I'm boring. Usually, I just don't know what to talk about or what to say. These situations feel like failed job interviews - awful awkwardness which I blame on myself and beat myself up for afterwards. yet, with guys I have no interest in, the conversation flows easily.

 

Does anyone else have this problem? Any tips on overcoming it? I know I have to care less what people think but really, what do people talk about when they are together in a date situation so it's not like 20 questions?

 

What do you find interesting? What have your best dates been like and what did you talk about?

 

I'm so bad at small talk.

[outrageousxcgirl]

It's only awkward if you make it awkward. Easiest way to overcome it. Pretend like you already have a MILLION guys waiting for you, that this one particular man your speaking to, isn't THAT important your just WAY to good for him. Now don't be cocky, just stand tall. You don't need to speak.

 

GUYS always notice looks first. Just chill, men don't NEED to be entertained. Looking nice and smilling, an occasional laugh is all they need to be content.

 

If it gets a little silent, don't worry he'll talk first. Hold your ground =]

 

Still feel awkward?

 

If your outgoing a little bit, you can just say "wow.. this feels a little awkward" with a little giggle often opens up the conversation.

 

If you feel like your in the interview. You probably are in one.

 

You take control (women do anyway, better realtionships) you ask the questions.. ask away men like to FEEL like there semi-important.

 

But we all know that YOUR the one who controls everything!

 

Hope this helps a little bit.

[johan]

It's only awkward if you make it awkward. Easiest way to overcome it. Pretend like you already have a MILLION guys waiting for you, that this one particular man your speaking to, isn't THAT important your just WAY to good for him. Now don't be cocky, just stand tall. You don't need to speak.

 

GUYS always notice looks first. Just chill, men don't NEED to be entertained. Looking nice and smilling, an occasional laugh is all they need to be content.

 

If it gets a little silent, don't worry he'll talk first. Hold your ground =]

 

Still feel awkward?

 

If your outgoing a little bit, you can just say "wow.. this feels a little awkward" with a little giggle often opens up the conversation.

 

If you feel like your in the interview. You probably are in one.

 

You take control (women do anyway, better realtionships) you ask the questions.. ask away men like to FEEL like there semi-important.

 

But we all know that YOUR the one who controls everything!

 

Hope this helps a little bit.

 

Ha ha. That's pretty cute.

[2sunny]

ask them if they have family - or where they are from or where they like to go on vacation...

 

then listen and pay attention... take metal notes to the answers to get a feel for his personality and for the way he views his world.

 

those are safe questions.

[shadowplay]

Wow, your post could totally have been written by me. Creepy. I can relate to everything you say.

[Kamille]

I can relate as well. Although lately I find that I am doing much better at this, but I recently joined one of those toastmaster's group which teaches you a lot about public speaking.

 

Now I know that speaking to a guy you are attracted to and public speaking aren't the same thing, but a lot of the tips they give on overcoming 'fear of public speaking' have proven very useful in getting to know men.

 

They always start by saying that you should remember that you are a unique, interesting person and that your unique perspective on life is what you invariably will contribute. This is above all true in dating.

 

Then they recommend that you imagine your audience as a long time friend who wants you to succeed. The fact is, most people are interested in getting to know you, first and foremost as a friend. In dating I call this the buddy approach. It's simple: the fact is, until you've talked with the guy a little bit, you don't know whether you want to know him as a buddy or more. Plus, the buddy approach has the advantage of putting you in the position of being the chasee rather then the chaser. Guys respond really well to the buddy approach. Once you feel you've gotten better at speaking to attractive guys as buddies, then you can start adding flirtatious elements, such as touching, teasing etc. If the guy is already a buddy of yours, try the technique anyways. Until he makes a move, he is not more then a buddy anyways, right?

 

Public speaking groups say that the best way to get over your fear is to do take advantage of every situation to speak in public. Translated to awkwardness speaking to men, this means that you have to practice by speaking with as many attractive men as possible. (There could be worse predicaments ).

 

The one thing they say makes the nerves go away is to prepare prepare prepare.

 

So your question about what to talk about is in fact your way of preparing.

 

Outrageousxgirl has it right: asking questions is always a good way to keep the conversation going. You will naturally ask questions about things that interest you, so if the two of you have something in common, then naturally the conversation will flow. I read that you really like music, so you could simply ask what was the best concert he ever saw.

 

Think about your own interests and how you could ask open ended questions that you could bring up. Avoid 'yes-no' questions. For example, don't ask: do you like concerts? Maybe he doesn't like concerts, but he can tell you that as his answer to the 'What's the best concert you ever saw' question. He'll probably include more details about why he doesn't like concerts this way. (Human psychology).

 

And then, since you asked questions about your own interests, you will most likely be able to bounce off his answers and anecdotes with stories of your own.

 

You can also use another technique to keep conversation going which is to reformulate his last utterance. This will prompt him to delve deeper into what he was saying.

 

Last thing: silence is your friend. I used to interview people and I would feel so responsible for the conversation that I couldn't stand a few moments of silence. The fact is, most people need a few seconds to collect their thoughts before they can collect their thoughts and bring up new topics. Don't feel obligated to speak until you feel like it. Remember, conversation is a two way street. Test yourself by holding off a little bit in the conversation and letting a few minutes of silence go by after he told you an interesting anecdote. He will most likely bring up a topic all on his own.

[Cad Rake]

Find something you don't like about them and focus entirely on that. Then you'll act very natural, like you do around the guys you don't care for. Then once they warm to you, you can forget about that thing or minimize it and concentrate on the things you do like.