horizonsend Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 My ex girlfriend left me seven weeks ago, she moved out and has started seeing someone else. We last spoke about two weeks ago, she came around and we talked about a few things and she told me stuff about how she was feeling and why she left, blah blah, and we hugged, it was semi-constructive as I just sat and listened (something I admittedly didn't do well at times). I gave her a six page letter that night and asked her to read it when she had some time to herself and I also gave her some information on communication mistakes after telling her it was helpful to me as I had made all of the mistakes when we were together, and she seemed interested in it and admitted she had also probably made all of them too. Now the letter I gave her was composed of 3 parts. The first was some memories of the good times we had shared and a few meaningful moments. The next part was a list of things I wanted us to do together which would involve me making more of an effort to try new things, something she also complained about. The third part explained how I had lots of time to think since the split and I acknowledged my part in the break up, without making it sound like I was begging her to come back. I did ask that she consider talking about things with me and really trying to communicate better as that was a major problem for us. I have been doing a lot of reading and understanding things differently now, so I really feel I am different to how was I was even a few months ago. Since I gave her the letter I have not heard anything at all. I don't know if she has even read it. That was a week and half ago. I don't intend to contact her to ask her if she has read it since I am assuming the deafening silence means she has either not read it or has read it and it had no impact whatsoever. The problem is she still has stuff left here in the house, and I want it out but I don't want to break the no contact that seems to be going on since giving her the letter. I am assuming that whichever way it goes, there's no chance of any reconciliation and she has moved on, which I am now trying to do. So my question is this: Should I call her and ask her to come and get the rest of her stuff asap and only talk about that? Or should I just forget about it (it's all stored away) and just wait for her to contact me to organise it? Or should I perhaps just call her mum (where she is living now) and organise to drop it all off when my ex is at work, then have no contact? Any advice? I don't want to give her the impression I am chasing for a response to the letter. I'm annoyed that she hasn't sorted this out though, it's pretty inconsiderate. Until it is finalised I know that I have to see her or talk to her again and the thought of that is still a bit stressful/upsetting for me as even though I am trying to move on I do still have feelings for her. She also owes me a considerable amount of money, and though we agreed to her making regular payments directly into my bank I have seen not a cent.
Author horizonsend Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 We were together for almost 4 years, and lived together for 3.
Ssheena Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Tough place to be in my friend. She owes you money and you have some stuff of hers. My x sent all my stuff back to me but if you two live in the same area, you could either: 1) give her a date to come and get it by or it is getting donated or thrown away or sold (depending on what it's worth) 2) give her the choices - come and get it on such and such date at such and such time, you sent it to her mum, or you throw it all away. I agree that your letter, while probably very well written and from the heart, has not made any difference to her. She is (this is going to hurt) in the throes of a new relationship with all it's passion and is no doubt only thinking about herself and the new guy. Never loan people you are in a relationship with money unless you get the payment schedule in writing. I hate to say this, but I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't get a cent of it back. As you can see by her behavior, she is being inconsiderate, immature and irresponsible. You do not have to see her again, if that would be too painful for you. You can arrange all of this via email or snail mail. No fun, but I wish you good luck to get through it.
Mitch R. Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 I was in a similar situation last week. She actually called me last Friday and wanted to come over and I let her. She said she's "talking" to someone and mentioned being friends while at the same time voicing many uncertainties about the other person and at the same time commenting on how much fun she was having being with me. I got alot of mixed messages, she called the next 2 days asking me to do things, which I didn't do because I had plans, and I've not heard from her since. When she came over last Fri. I suggested we take her things down to the car. She didn't want to claiming she didn't have enough room at her friend's place to put it (it really wasn't all that much stuff), and then she commented "Leave it here for when I move back in . . . laugh . . Just kidding". I know I should have just taken it and put it in the car and forced her to take her things. I called her friend when the ex wasn't there and asked if I could drop it off, which I did, and now it's gone and out of sight.
Author horizonsend Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 Thanks for your replies. I'm still a bit stunned by the whole thing to be honest, three days before she left we went out and had a great day and she said she was happy as we were slowly working things out, then she meets this other guy that night at a party and turns into a different person overnight. It never ceases to amaze me how well some people can conceal their true feelings - you think you know someone, then realise you have no idea who they actually are. Unbelievable. Maybe I should just tell her to come and get her stuff while I'm not here, as she still has keys... then she can leave the keys behind and I won't contact her. She probably won't pay me, sadly I agree. I'll never do that again, that's for sure - I lent her the money and actually went into debt to help her as she became quite ill and couldn't work regularly for a period of months, and this is how she repays me. Nice. The only card I have left is to cut all contact, but it means I may never see that money. None of her stuff is really worth selling, it's only odds and ends left and a few junk appliances in the shed, so that rules that out.
Replicant Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Thanks for your replies. Maybe I should just tell her to come and get her stuff while I'm not here, as she still has keys... then she can leave the keys behind and I won't contact her. She probably won't pay me, sadly I agree. I'll never do that again, that's for sure - I lent her the money and actually went into debt to help her as she became quite ill and couldn't work regularly for a period of months, and this is how she repays me. Nice. The only card I have left is to cut all contact, but it means I may never see that money. None of her stuff is really worth selling, it's only odds and ends left and a few junk appliances in the shed, so that rules that out. As you can plainly see she is now thinking of herself and how she wants to move on with things and as selfish and immature as that is you should not feel as you have to entertain any of that anymore. Your suggestion of cutting contact and moving forward is the best solution i think. Of course that means losing what money she does owe you. Now you should be thinking of yourself. As you say she has a key to your place. I guess that depends on how much you would trust her to come and get her things in your absence....If you think she may start taking things she felt belonged to her aside from her junk, things could get nasty seeing her trend of not paying back money she's been given. It might be worth just offering a date and time to come and get it all, or it's all going in the trash plain and simple and stand firm on that. If she bailed on the relationship under such shady means, i don't think you should be offering her any sort of convenience anymore. No need to be an emotional and financial crutch to such a person (If she sees maintaining contact under such benifits).
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