How do you get thru it?

[Mae512]

My husband & I are separated - have been for almost 2 months. He left because I have been controlling his life for about 4 yrs now. I went thru some tramatic events that made me "crazy" to the point where I could not stand letting him leave the house without me. And if he did, I would call him several times while he was out. We have no children.

 

During the time we have been separated, he has been sleeping in his truck at his workshop. we talk every day, initiated by both of us, and he often tells me he loves me, even without me saying it to him. In spite of all of this, I am out of my mind. I have been doing everything wrong - crying, telling him I miss him, begging him to come home, etc.

 

I am seeing a counselor and have been before this happened. He went to see my IC alone and they agreed that this separation was necessary. He has gone back with me once since for update/feedback.

 

With all of this evidence (I think), that he wants this to work, I cannot drop the emotions that this is the end of my world. I know that I NEED to work through my issues, but am constantly fighting to do so. I know this probably sounds pathetic that I have a willing spouse and I am kicking and fighting this change (probably great change at the end).

 

Has anyone been thru anything similar? Do you have any advice, experience, or technics for me to get my head on straight and stop acting like a child? For me, it is easier said than done.

[whichwayisup]

What type of therapy are you doing?

 

I'm much better now, but I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I saw a therapist who specialized in cognitive behaviour therapy, to help me cope with my issues that led to the anxiety. I also learned how to control the anxiety, the negative thoughts, the fears, the distorted way of thinking...Please look into this type of therapy if your counsellor isn't a CBT therapist.

 

If you can show your husband that you're doing everything possible to fix yourself, rid of the worrisome thoughts and fears, hopefully he'll stick around.

 

I have to say, I'm sorry that he and you are separated. My H has been soo understanding and patient, though I know how hard at times life was between us when I was at my worst. There were times he had to work many evening-late shifts, I was home alone...It was rough but with the tools I learned from doing CBT, understanding my fears and not letting them control me, I worked through it. Called a friend, or went out so I wasn't alone, or someone would come hang out at my house for a while.

 

Therapy IS hard, but what you put into it, is what you get out of it.

 

Once you deal with the past issues that are affecting you now, making you feel anxious and scared to be alone, and learn how to keep it all in perspective, your husband will come home to you again.

 

Do you do yoga? I find that has really helped me. Keeps my mind peaceful and my body in good shape.

Do journal writing daily. Write down your fears, thoughts and anxious feelings...Sometimes seeing it on paper makes you feel better and also you can 'see' how your mind is being controlled by the anxiety and negative thinking...

 

Keep posting and feel free to ask me anything, I'm an open book when it comes to dealing with anxiety issues.

[justfine]

At least you admit openly that you have been torturing your husband for four years. Also, consider yourself lucky that you don't have any children to add to your troubles.

 

I would suggest giving yourself and much needed overhaul. Join a gym and get in the best shape possible. Become a health nut and resign to be the kind of person men would love to be around. Once your husband sees your improvement, he may decide to give your marriage another try. If not, you'll have become a better mate for someone compatible to you in the future.

[Mae512]

Thank you both for your reponses. It is nice to have a place to think through all of this and get feedback on it.

 

whichway... you are very lucky to have a partner like you do. In the beginning, I had a lot of resentment towards my H for leaving. But I had to come to accept that is what he needed to do to be able to work through this with me. I know that he felt guilty about it but he felt that was the last thing for him to do without giving up completely.

 

I get so frustrated with myself because I didn't want to be that kind of W. I heard so many times in the past from his friends how lucky he was to have a W like me... what happened to me. I let my depression take over me and my marriage. I saw it coming but wasn't strong enough to stop it. So here I am.

 

I haven't been exposed to CBT. Right now my therapist is treating me for codependency, which involves all kinds of things, like control, fear, anxiety, you name it... I am reading thru a book right now that goes along with a workbook (which I haven't got to yet), I am hoping it will start to put some pieces together.

 

It also just seems like a bad habit - controlling my H. Because as time goes on and I am forced to face my challanges alone, it seems to be getting a little easier each time.

 

I will be in touch and will definitely be on this message board, it is one of the best things I found.

[Gunny376]

Part of marriage is completing your childhood ~ soooooo if you think about it your controlling behavior and thus the subsequent depression and anxiety (one's inability to reconcile actual out reality (aka your real world) with your inner reality (perceptions, expectations, attitudes of how things are "suppose" be ~ come from your childhood when you weren't in control.

 

Your id (your inner child) and super-ego gained up on your ego thus your insecurties ~ which came out as your controlling behavior of your husband.

 

Like many one of my greatest fears was being alone. So I recognized that as a weakness and made the decision to live single and alone for a number of years now. NOW? I'm so worried about being alone and could really care less if I'm ever in another relationship. If it happens? It happens. Love? Marriage? Its going to have to find me ~ because my azz isn't look for it!

 

Another problem I had with women was it really tore me up with the XW left. I finally came to understand that came from my Mother leaving me in Ala and moving to TX when I was six.

 

Once Mr. R (Mr. Reality) wore my azz out with a Louville Slugger and threw my azz under the bus? I'm quick to put any game-playing, drama queen, attention-hog of a woman to the curb quick, fast and a hurry.

 

Then there's the things that you go through in adult life. I did twenty years in the Marine Corps. It took me to realize a lot of things about that experience once I got back out here in civilian la~la land.

 

Such as I had been insitionalized ~ just as if I had been in prison for 20 years. PTSD ~ Post Traumatic Stress Syndrone, ("I can't deal with this stress right now ~ I'll deal with it later!" Trouble is? Later it comes back and bites your azz in SPADES!).

 

Hyper-alternativeness, and/or Hyper-attentiveness. For awhile there I wanted to turn my home in a freaking bunker with sandbags the works.

 

The first thing I did ~ was GET A FREAKING GRIP!

 

The next thing I did was to just chill the Hell out!

 

And those are two things that you need to work on ~ each second of each minute, of each hour, of each day, of each week, of each month, of each year.

 

One of the things that I did that took me a long time to realize is that in a lot of ways? I've GOT IT made. But you struggle, fight, and inch your way to the top ~ to the point your don't realize you've made it to the top, that you've conquered your enemies and the enemy is you!

 

The American Dream? What a joke! You start out with something you love dearly, more so than anything in this Life, and you squeeze it, and squeeze it until you've squeeze the life out it!

 

My former step-daughter said it right. "We're not big on cars, but the ones we've got are dependable. We've got a nice little house, and the kids are happy and content, the bills get paid, and we're not too bad in debt that we can't deal with it." They've been happily married for 17 years.

 

K.I.S.S. ~ Keep It Simple Stupid ~ is a maxim of the military!

 

There's a lot to be said about down-sizing. All that "successful living" so many folks are trying to do? Is tearing families apart Couples apart. Putting folks in a early grave.

 

Keep working on you ~ the rest will take care of itself.

 

Most of what your dealing with? Is your past! All them ghosts from the past have come a hauting you. They have to deal with YOU, not your DH, and not your marriage.

 

And don't feel bad about it one damn bit ~ its something that we all have to deal with ~ but damn few have the guts to own up to and face up to!

 

Your facing up to it! Your confronting it, your dealing with it! Its hard, all freaking day hard! Its hard looking into the mirror and seeing that 90% of the problem is you. (The problem being the problems in your life ~ not your marriage!)

 

And you can either choose to deal with it now, or deal it later, or become one the cowards and never deal with it ~ end up dealing with it through sex, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, gaming, eating (disorder) or some other BS way that doesn't work! NEVER has worked and never will!

 

I give you five +1 :bunny::bunny: (Sock bunnies are the way we give "atta-girls/boys here at LS)

[Gunny376]

Couple of other things ~ you come across in your post as being a panic or having panic attacks.

 

First if you're not sleeping, and getting a full six to ten hours sleep ~ you're simply are exerting yourself enough physically.

 

I promise you, when I was in bootcamp, the Marines and was PT (physical training) five to six days a week, getting up at 4 or 5:30 and hitting the dusty trail for three or six miles running, I didn't have any problem sleeping at night ~ no matter the worries.

 

I'm not saying go out and try to run a first class Marine PFT (Physical Fitness Test) but get out and start exercising first thing in the morning. I've PT in snow, sleet, and rain (really makes you feel alive ~ actually) Just start going for a walk first thing. Learn some strecthing exercises, some calistincs (We Marines call it the Daily Seven) Doesn't have to be anything strenous, nor hard ~ but it does require a mental and emotional committment to get up and do it even when you don't want to.

 

You'll feel better, think clearer, your body will function better.

 

"Square Breathing" Inhale ~ hold for a count of four!

Exhale ~ hold for a count of four! Practice for a minute! Then two, then three! Your body will do what you tell it to do! Practice makes perfect! Comes in handy when you've got to speak before an audience, perform on a stage, your nervous, are panking, or some Joker's trying to take your head off with an AK-47 or an RPG!

[Gunny376]

Orginally posted by Mae

I am out of my mind. I have been doing everything wrong - crying, telling him I miss him, begging him to come home, etc

 

If crying and begging couldn't make him stay?

It SURE as Hell won't make him come back!

[Mae512]

Wow, Gunny, where do I start?!? You pretty much hit my life on the head.

 

Many of my "issues" as I like to call them are from unresolved crap from my childhood. Nothing terribly tragic, but I just wasn't taught to deal with life. My grandmother was an alcoholic so my mom (her daughter) taught us how to avoid, hold in our feelings, and live life numb. Well that is how I lived for many many years, until it all caught up with me and I couldn't hold in anymore avoided feelings. I thought I was going to crack.

 

Funny that you stated: get a grip and chill because that is the approach I decided to take this week. I decided that I was not going to express to my H how much I missed him and how much I needed him. Instead, I played it cool and acted as though (and after a while it was true!) I was just going with the flow. And its working. We have been talking more, not about anything serious, just talking. Light, joking conversations at times. I MISS HIM EMENSELY sometimes to the point it literally physically hurts. But all I can to is keep moving forward and hope for the best. (yah try telling myself that when I am middle of a major break down!)

 

I have come to realize (duh!) that I cannot control what happens to me, to my marriage, to my life. I can definitely make choices to steer it in a certain direction but in the end, what is , is. And trust me, I have to remind myself of that simple realization almost daily.

 

So on I go... to be continued!

[sumdude]

I have come to realize (duh!) that I cannot control what happens to me, to my marriage, to my life. I can definitely make choices to steer it in a certain direction but in the end, what is , is. And trust me, I have to remind myself of that simple realization almost daily.

 

 

 

This is true, also remember what you can control. How you react, what you think and what you do. So you do have some control, in fact quite a bit.

[Mae512]

So I get so confused. My H is starting to lean towards coming home but won't make a commitment to it. However, from the beginning of all of this he has stayed "intimate" with me, you know what I mean. Is this a guys way of staying close emotionally or is it just the results he is after?!? Of course, I don't mind, he is still my H, but I think - why can't you just come HOME then?? What's up with that?

[Mae512]

I just don't get it. He talks to me everyday, many of the call initiated by him. He seems interested in talking to me, calling me to tell me things that happened to him during the day. Seems interested in my days events. Tells me he loves me, tells me to be careful (when i am going out to do something) but yet, he finds every excuse to not spend time with me. Am I expecting too much too soon? I am not a monster. Its like he wants us, but yet he doesn't. These kind of days are very hard to get through. I just want him to say that he is coming home. Or even that he loves me more than anything and will stop at nothing to make our marriage work. Some days are just so vague...

[sumdude]

I just don't get it. He talks to me everyday, many of the call initiated by him. He seems interested in talking to me, calling me to tell me things that happened to him during the day. Seems interested in my days events. Tells me he loves me, tells me to be careful (when i am going out to do something) but yet, he finds every excuse to not spend time with me. Am I expecting too much too soon? I am not a monster. Its like he wants us, but yet he doesn't. These kind of days are very hard to get through. I just want him to say that he is coming home. Or even that he loves me more than anything and will stop at nothing to make our marriage work. Some days are just so vague...

 

Might want to make yourself a bit less available to him. Make sure you end the calls, leave him wondering a bit. Don't always answer etc.. A bit of mystery from you might pique his interest.. we always want the things that are harder to get..