Krytellan Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 In having a FWB experience, was there anything you learned that you would do differently next time or any lessons that you did not expect to learn? What should someone new to that kind of thing know about or look out for?
Art_Critic Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 That I should have never had it in the first place.. In the end I hurt her and didn't treat her kids right.. or I should say that I didn't treat her kids as they should have been treated.. I kept her kids at more than an arms reach away from me.. I had just gotten out of a bad marriage and felt hurt from the whole step parent thing.. and I was looking for fun and I also didn't want to be close to her kids.. So when her kids would get close to me I would put distance between us.. After we split up we talked about it and she was understanding.. but I really wasn't honest in my feelings about closeness to kids at that point in my life..So I guess it was the collateral damage that was the issue...
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 In having a FWB experience, was there anything you learned that you would do differently next time or any lessons that you did not expect to learn? At first, I had many F-friends.. (when I separated 5 yrs ago) I went on a sex rampage... lots of FWB... then at one point, I realized that the benefits had to benefit ME... What should someone new to that kind of thing know about or look out for? Don't fall in love... if it is clear from the start that it's only a FWB's relationship.
OceanBlue Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 I think, as expected, one gets more attached than the other. In my experience, one guy seemed to take the end of it okay...but keeps coming back wanting to develop a relationship. I try to explain that he just isn't right for me but... This has been going on for 2 years now. The other guy I was/am FWB, has a need to distance himself completely from me at times. We were very direct about what we were getting into, what the expectations were etc... When he starts to feel too close and like he's becoming attached to me he just disappears out of my life for a while. When he has himself under control, he comes back. To be honest I'm not sure what to make of it. I don't know that I would ever attempt one again.
norajane Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 It can become too convenient...I couldn't be bothered to meet people that I might have fallen in love with, because it was just so easy to be with my FWB.
uniqueone Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 A few people mentioned FWB's when they first separated or divorced, how long did that period last?
oppath Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 My buddy recently got out of a FWB because it was impacting his social life. He'd be sleeping with her 3 times a week, he wasn't seeing his friends as much, and he wasn't out meeting other women. That is the danger of a FWB; as much as getting attached is a risk, being too comfortable to look for others is a risk, especially if you want a relationship. I've never been in one. My ex asked for one from me and I shot her down. I actually CAN separate emotions from sex for a while, but it comes down to (1) Neither person can have any expectations for a relationship (which means it should be clear to both people you aren't the right people for each other for a longer term relationship) (2) If feelings do develop, they need to be communicated right away, so both people can get on the same page or end the relationship (3) You have to be honest with each other -- the FRIENDS part being the most important part -- if you are dating or seeing other people. This ties in to number 2 and can honestly prevent attachment, if you know the other person is out dating around. (4) Even if it is clear it is just sex, if you know the other person wants more, such as them telling you they want more, you saying no, and them saying "well, let's still be FWB," don't do it. See your FWB every 2 weeks.
Author Krytellan Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 Wow, thanks guys. I appreciate the insights. I can definitely see how it could create a comfort that might get in the way of meeting other people. Any other input?
Kamille Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 (4) Even if it is clear it is just sex, if you know the other person wants more, such as them telling you they want more, you saying no, and them saying "well, let's still be FWB," don't do it. Why do I get the feeling that Kryt is in danger of putting himself in this situation? FWB are tricky because, when you think about it, our friends are our friends because we do care for them. We do manage their emotions and our own. And what is most appreciable about friendship is that this caring work is uninterested, meaning, we help our friends because we care for them, not because we need something from them. So I am weary of people saying that the most important thing in a FWB is to keep yourself detached. Basically this advice says that the 'benefit' has to become the priority over the the friendship. I had an FWB and it ruined the friendship because in trying to keep ourselves detached, we stopped doing those things that made us friends. Bottomline is, it's been my general observation that in FWB, you cannot be the same kind of friend that you would be in a non-sexual friendship. So you need to choose what you want to prioritize, the friendship or the sexual connection. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. And then stick to that choice.
oppath Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Good point Kamille, the FRIEND part of friends with benefits needs to be the priority, however, lets not kid ourselves. People engage in friends with benefits because it is more comfortable and has less risk than more random people. We could write essays differentiating friends with benefits from **** buddies or other arrangements, but it comes down to: it is available sex. Even if you care for the other person, it is still F*CKING at the end of the night. Most FWB I've witnessed have had little to do with the friendship. When it comes down to it, most people just don't give a damn about other peoples feelings all that much.
Lishy Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 I have one piece of advice and it is bery wise so listen carefully ....... DONT DO IT!
uniqueone Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 So I am weary of people saying that the most important thing in a FWB is to keep yourself detached. Basically this advice says that the 'benefit' has to become the priority over the the friendship. I had an FWB and it ruined the friendship because in trying to keep ourselves detached, we stopped doing those things that made us friends. Bottomline is, it's been my general observation that in FWB, you cannot be the same kind of friend that you would be in a non-sexual friendship. So you need to choose what you want to prioritize, the friendship or the sexual connection. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. And then stick to that choice. In most FWB situations, the people aren't really friends in the true sense of the word. The term should be AWB (acquaintances with benefits). And why aren't FWB's really friends? Because it's really based on self-centeredness. It's a barter....an exchange. You want something from someone. The "friendship" part is more of a facade. To put this in our cultural society's terms....calling it a "friendship" keeps the guy from thinking he's a user and keeps the girl from thinking she's a slut.
Author Krytellan Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 Why do I get the feeling that Kryt is in danger of putting himself in this situation? Probably because you know me better than I do . All of these suggestions definitely have me thinking. I can definitely see the usefulness in keeping the contact infrequent (e.g., no more than every 2 weeks), because they could definitely contribute to complacency. I can see the novelty feeling of the new situation as a very powerful motivator. I'm sure the dynamic changes as the relationship continues. I suppose the nature of the friendship matters too, as in someone you know through work or someone you know through recreation. What an interesting concept.
Star Gazer Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 In most FWB situations, the people aren't really friends in the true sense of the word. The term should be AWB (acquaintances with benefits). I agree 150%!! You CANNOT be "friends" in a FWB relationship, because that's when feelings attach. You cannot talk about your lives, share your thoughts, concerns, dreams, etc. It's nothing more than a booty call. Keep all the intimacy out of it.
sweetie7 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 My FWB actually works out quite well. We truly are friends...spend hours on the phone, have tons of fun together, etc. I know he is not in a good place at all for a relationship (in a band, tours for months at a time, works crazy hours) but just love spending time with him. I recently got out of a LTR so I'm not really interested in anything too serious, and this is really refreshing. While we've done pretty much everything, we haven't had sex, but have talked about it and decided it wouldn't be a good thing right now, especially when everything's working out so well as it is. I went into it knowing what the deal was and am perfectly content (this isn't like me at all...i usually get really attached). i feel free to do whatever i want, and wouldn't mind if he did either. i believe we'll be friends no matter what. I dunno though, i guess it works differently for different people. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if he didn't travel and had a "normal" life. Maybe I'm OK with this because I know I have to be OK with it and care about him so much that I'm happy with any time we do get together.
jcster Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Don't do it. There's no purpose too it, it's detrimental to everyone involved, and you will never be friends after that. If you want sex, it's better to pick up an aquaintance and have a one night stand than to enter into a FWB relationship.
uniqueone Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 My FWB actually works out quite well. We truly are friends...spend hours on the phone, have tons of fun together, etc. I know he is not in a good place at all for a relationship (in a band, tours for months at a time, works crazy hours) but just love spending time with him. I recently got out of a LTR so I'm not really interested in anything too serious, and this is really refreshing. While we've done pretty much everything, we haven't had sex, but have talked about it and decided it wouldn't be a good thing right now, especially when everything's working out so well as it is. I went into it knowing what the deal was and am perfectly content (this isn't like me at all...i usually get really attached). i feel free to do whatever i want, and wouldn't mind if he did either. i believe we'll be friends no matter what. If you haven't had sex, then isn't it just a friendship? Maybe I'm OK with this because I know I have to be OK with it and care about him so much that I'm happy with any time we do get together. You're saying you care about him so much but you've also said you aren't getting attached. How could you do both? I have a hunch that you're telling yourself that you're ok with this but you're really not. I think it's a case of "I've been really hurt in my last relationship so i'm going to tell myself that I just don't care and I'm not going to get attached so that I can't get hurt."
Izzy B Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Asking a woman to have an FWB arrangement is the same as asking her to be an unpaid prostitute. It says a lot about your character, and hers (as well as her low self-esteem) if she accepts.
Krytie TV Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Asking a woman to have an FWB arrangement is the same as asking her to be an unpaid prostitute. It says a lot about your character, and hers (as well as her low self-esteem) if she accepts. That's a rather judgmental and superior attitude, don't you think?
Izzy B Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 That's a rather judgmental and superior attitude, don't you think? No, it's my opinion. If a guy ever asked me to be an FWB, I would consider that very disrespectful. He is basically telling me I'm good enough for sex but nothing more than that. How could a woman NOT take that as disrespectful and the guy a total loser? Women need to have more self esteem and pride in themselves than to fall for the FWB crap that's going around by men. It's really sad.
EYECANDY000 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Im currently in a fwb relationship. But just like this mornings coffee , it gets old really quick. Well of course you have a close bond with that person like friendship. But if it is mostly sexual its not going to last to long.. I think I should know Ive been in plenty
jcster Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Asking a woman to have an FWB arrangement is the same as asking her to be an unpaid prostitute. It says a lot about your character, and hers (as well as her low self-esteem) if she accepts. That's the way I feel about it too. I find it very insulting.
Krytie TV Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 No, it's my opinion. If a guy ever asked me to be an FWB, I would consider that very disrespectful. He is basically telling me I'm good enough for sex but nothing more than that. How could a woman NOT take that as disrespectful and the guy a total loser? Women need to have more self esteem and pride in themselves than to fall for the FWB crap that's going around by men. It's really sad. This is implying that only men make these requests. What about women that ask men? Is that disrespectful to a man?
uniqueone Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 This is implying that only men make these requests. What about women that ask men? Is that disrespectful to a man? Women who make those requests either: a) don't really mean it...and are hoping for more. or b) are really screwed up emotionally, usually due to a previous crappy relationship. In other words, it's not normal for a healthy woman to want to be a FWB.
oppath Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Women who make those requests either: a) don't really mean it...and are hoping for more. or b) are really screwed up emotionally, usually due to a previous crappy relationship. In other words, it's not normal for a healthy woman to want to be a FWB. So my ex -- whose reasons for the breakup were "It's not you, it's me. I don't know who I am and need to find myself. It has nothing to do with a lack of feelings for you; all the romance, chemistry and passion are there. But I don't know the true character and being of my soul, and I'm barely going to have time for myself, let alone another person. It wouldn't be fair to bring you along on such a dubious and introspective journey" -- and who emailed me 1.5 weeks after the breakup asking me if I "were down for a 'friends with benefits' relationship' :)" didn't mean it and was hoping for more? Her previous relationships weren't crappy. Was she just confused? Naw, she just wanted to use me, while she went on dates with other guys, until someone she thought was better came along. Women are capable of these relationships. They do initiate them. They don't always want more. Sometimes they just want to f*ck.
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