loquaciousl Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Hi there It's been awhile since I have posted. I am a 29 year old woman dating a 34 year old man. We have been dating for three months, just about and things are great. Here is a summary of things to date: We met in the middle of June. From the first meeting we felt chemistry and a sense of having known each other for a long time. He makes me laugh, he's handsome, sweet, patient, and affectionate. He also makes me feel safe and calm. Sometimes I have the tendency to be high strung and worrisome in general and he has been very patient with me. The only "issue" we've had so far is that at the beginning he made it pretty clear that he wasn't looking to jump into a relationship right away. Both of us have the tendency to jump before we really think about things. He also lives about 100 miles away, and in some ways this is helpful to our relationship because it gives us time to develop ourselves and work on things together. Just recently we became girlfriend and boyfriend and it feels really great. For awhile, however, I was being pushy in that I wanted to get more serious. His thought is that it takes time to develop a foundation and that he wants to see what is there after the butterflies fade. I know in a lot of ways he's right but at times I become very insecure that he's going to leave me. For awhile, every time he would go I would be very upset because I would just feel like it was the last time I would see him although he has never made iindication of such. Sometimes I have anxiety based on abandonment issues and it's only been recently that I have started chilling out about that.... Periodically, however, I realize that I have a hard time being cool and just enjoying the relationship. This feels like the first time I have had a functional relationship that also includes friendship and great chemistry. Sometimes, however, I find that I "miss" the dysfunctional and volatile relationships I used to be in, ie, I would go from guy to guy and usually things would end before they began. With the guy I'm dating now, it feels calm and loving, but at times I think too much and mistake the calmness for boredom, ie, the need to shake things up. Do you see my quandary? I have trouble being still in my own brain and letting go....it's like I want to start problems or something. I see a therapist and she thinks I need to live in the moment....a huge part of me tells me this guy is great for me....he's very special. But sometimes I don't feel ANYTHING at all unless it's dysfunctional. I know I have work to do...but I don't want to push him away. Thoughts?
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Focus that anxiety and dramatic energy (when you feel it) into doing something for yourself. Instead of worrying about the "what if's", enjoy each day with him, NO expectations...I know that's easier said than done, but if you learn to just enjoy the time you two have together, and let whatever it is between you grow, YOU will be more relaxed. Have you ever gone to therapy? It could help you control the drama side of you...Cognitive behaviour therapy is a great type of therapy to help you cope with past issues, change your way of thinking and processing things...Think about it because you would really be alot happier without all the drama and dysfunction in your life.
jerbear Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Let yourself be free and just be natural. Either way the real you need to come out. If you don't feel it, then maybe it is time to slow down and see the world without the rosy glasses. If you have to "work on it" then you are not being yourself.
miSSleepy Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Tell him exactly how you feel so that he's aware of the situation. He needs to understand and be aware of these thoughts I think. But I don't see why you would have to end things with him, just take it as it comes. It takes effort to change your whole attitude from something that You've grown used to, but that's what you're going to have to do.
Author loquaciousl Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 thanks for your responses. He and I have excellent communication and he is very aware of these issues. However, I think a healthy boundary is necessary in that he shouldn't be the one to deal with drama. I am myself around him, but it's hard for me to have him see me like this (I hate feeling vulnerable, sometimes). I do see a therapist, and she is helping a lot. I have a lot of work to do, ie, I know I need to just chill out and learn how to change my dysfunctional thinking...one day at a time.
shadowplay Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 I'm sort of in the same situation. This is the first semi-healthy relationship I've ever been in. I say semi because I always have my doubts. Not sure if this is true for you, but sometimes I look for problems when something seems good because part of me feels like it's impossible for me to be in a healthy relationship and there must be something negative I haven't yet discovered. Since you have the same dysfunctional relationship history as I do, you may suffer from the same paranoia. It's all about habit. You're used to problematic relationships, so you feel unsettled when nothing is obviously wrong.
Author loquaciousl Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 Thank you. It's relieving to know someone else is in the same shoes. For this, it seems like sometimes relationships can be hard work, because there's so much stuff to delve through....but I think it's worth it.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 thanks for your responses. He and I have excellent communication and he is very aware of these issues. However, I think a healthy boundary is necessary in that he shouldn't be the one to deal with drama. I am myself around him, but it's hard for me to have him see me like this (I hate feeling vulnerable, sometimes). I do see a therapist, and she is helping a lot. I have a lot of work to do, ie, I know I need to just chill out and learn how to change my dysfunctional thinking...one day at a time. Good to hear you're seeing a therapist. You have alot of insight into yourself! That's a good thing! Bottomline, you have a great guy who is understanding of your quirks. Hopefully you two can mesh together well and accept the quirks as just that. If you make a big deal of it, so will he... PLUS, I'm sure he has some things about him that are quirky?
Krytellan Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 I'm just throwing this out as I thought of it while reading your post OP. When I tell someone I don't want to jump in to a relationship, what I am actually saying is, "I don't want to get too serious with you b/c I'm waiting for something better and don't want to be tied down when it comes." That's just an insight. Not to say it necessarily has anything to do with your current situation.
oppath Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 got to semi-agree with Krytellan, except you have become official bf/gf and it doesn't sound like you pushed.
Author loquaciousl Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 Krytellan, I see how you would think that he might have had the "waiting for something better", mentality. Perhaps I didn't explain myself well enough...he simply meant he was being cautious because he got divorced about two years ago and that relationship started out great as well. It was only after they got married that things started going to heck in a handbasket. I was concerned at first because I realized there was potential there and have my own issues. He has been consistent the whole time with me and very honest from the beginning. We have been taking our time which is new to me but very healthy because we are great friends as well as lovers. He is awesome, and yes, to answer another poster, he does have his quirks. But some great things are that he is patient with me, loving, and accepting of me. I think we've had maybe one or two tiffs but for the most part they pass pretty quickly after we communicate about them. I feel lucky, I just want to have a lot to offer from a healthy place and not a place based on need.
Krytellan Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 he simply meant he was being cautious because he got divorced about two years ago and that relationship started out great as well. It was only after they got married that things started going to heck in a handbasket. I think it's great you believe him, but I have gone through this too... and then dated someone and told them "blah blah" because I was waiting for something better. I just don't see how this reference excludes that possibility. His behavior suggests it's very possible.
Author loquaciousl Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 Well, I guess time will tell....he has been so consistent with me (ie, initiating plans, calling, going out on dates, being sweet, loving, and attentive with me) that I have a hard time NOT believing him. He invests a lot of time into us as do I and so, like I said, time will tell. I would have been more inclined to agree with you at the very beginning when we weren't an "item" but we mutually agreed not to see other people and he refers to me as his girlfriend. Let's put it this way, he invests an awful lot of time, love, and emotion into me for him to be a fake in anyway. But, I suppose, there IS a slight possibility. I think I have been through enough in my life to know if things weren't right or whether I am being shortchanged in any manner. So far, so good. Thanks for looking out;)
VIP Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 So what is it in his behaviour that makes you feel insecure?
Author loquaciousl Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 It's not his behavior; it's me. Since we are doing the long distance thing, it can get difficult sometimes. I am used to spending more time with my man and we see each other every weekend....that's all.
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