bones Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Sorry to hear you are in a tough spot. This is an emotionally volatile topic for many people-- you will hear a lot of very strong opinions. Opinions are fine, but they are not answers. You need to answer questions with your own heart and head. Then you need a plan of action based on those answers. Think about these things very carefully: 1. Why do I want to keep this baby? If it has anything to do with the approval of someone else, re-think this. If you think this will bring you closer to the father, re-think this also. If you fear regretting an abortion or adoption in the future--perhaps some self-help books on how to overcome the trauma and emotion of giving up a child. If you have a better understanding of what to expect if you take this path, you will at least be making an informed decision. Any choice you make will have pain and consequences for you, so your goal should be to do what is best for the baby, and you in the long haul. 2. Can you provide all that a child will need? Aside from good nutrition, the biggest needs will be unconditional love, patience, emotional stability, and safety. If you are miserable and depressed, it will take a toll on your child. There are many good articles that explain emotional unavailability impacts a child and brain development. 3. What kind of support network do you have? Family, government services, etc. You need to have at least one or two people that I consider foxhole friends. They are the ones that will be there to see you through the difficult situations and not expect any immediate returns. They will want you in their foxhole and some point and that is when you respond. 4. Will you be able to work, afford decent day care and cover expenses? If you do not have a college degree, it will be difficult to find the type of employment that will enable you to afford all of the above. A job that offers good health benefits is MANDATORY. I can't stress this enough. Without good health insurance, you will be burried in healthcare debt. Kids get sick, they need medicine and a lot of doctor's visits. If you don't have one or are part of the way through, try to finish up before the baby arrives, or include an education in your future plans. 5. How will you feel about the father having involvement in the child's life if after all the turmoil, you discover you dislike him and don't believe he is a good influence? The stress of a child has broken up many a solid relationship. The relationship you have with the father right now is in flux. If you need to include him, his salary or child rearing help in the equation to make a go of it, reconsider. Many young men can't handle the pressure and bolt. There are a lot of dead-beat dads in the world. My point is, don't exclude him, but be sure you don't need to depend on him for anything critical. That way if he exits the picture, it won't effect the quality of life for you and the baby. Good luck.
a4a Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 As a taxpayer, my husband and I are more than willing to help in situations where a child needs financial help, but if you will re-read her post, she said she is financially stable... she doesn't need taxpayers money, and who cares if she did. The baby is worth it. ? Well great that you are so willing to support every person that makes a "mistake" and chooses to bring a human into the world. If you cannot afford to take care of a child - Dont have them! As for the OP- who gives a rip where the fathers head is at right now. You need to worry about your future and this childs.... he likely will not stay in it after all he stated he wasn't serious and this likely was fling. May not be today, may not be next week.... but you have to be 100% prepared to be on your own and not worry about him at this moment. Your Relationship with him is secondary- the child comes first. And the child is your responsibility. Don't count on him for anything. Best start getting sitters lined up so you can stay working, make sure your insurance covers everything, and find a good emotional support system for single moms now. Don't wait.....
Cobra_X30 Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 We agreed to continue the relationship (and to be exclusive) and to see what happens, that's the short version. Everything he said was not always what I wanted to hear and vice versa, but overall it was positive. As for me staying in my hometown? I am wondering if I am better off living alone for now and make sure that this relationship is going somewhere. I was worried about going through it alone and I forgot that... I CAN do it alone (yes, I have family and friends). I don't want to get on my friend's computer all the time (and buying a computer right now doesn't seem like a smart move!!!) so I am not sure when I will be able to read you answers but I can assure you of one thing, everything will be ok for me. Applause! Yes you will be O.K.! And it sounds like you understand that it will be tough sometimes! How controlling does this guy seem? What makes you arrive at that conclusion? Also, how long did you know this guy before you got into a relationship? and do you know anything about his past relationships? If he has like 5 kids with 6 different women.... that doesnt bode well for the future of your relationship.
Jinnah Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Sorry to hear you are in a tough spot. This is an emotionally volatile topic for many people-- you will hear a lot of very strong opinions. Opinions are fine, but they are not answers. You need to answer questions with your own heart and head. Then you need a plan of action based on those answers. Think about these things very carefully: 1. Why do I want to keep this baby? If it has anything to do with the approval of someone else, re-think this. If you think this will bring you closer to the father, re-think this also. If you fear regretting an abortion or adoption in the future--perhaps some self-help books on how to overcome the trauma and emotion of giving up a child. If you have a better understanding of what to expect if you take this path, you will at least be making an informed decision. Any choice you make will have pain and consequences for you, so your goal should be to do what is best for the baby, and you in the long haul. 2. Can you provide all that a child will need? Aside from good nutrition, the biggest needs will be unconditional love, patience, emotional stability, and safety. If you are miserable and depressed, it will take a toll on your child. There are many good articles that explain emotional unavailability impacts a child and brain development. 3. What kind of support network do you have? Family, government services, etc. You need to have at least one or two people that I consider foxhole friends. They are the ones that will be there to see you through the difficult situations and not expect any immediate returns. They will want you in their foxhole and some point and that is when you respond. 4. Will you be able to work, afford decent day care and cover expenses? If you do not have a college degree, it will be difficult to find the type of employment that will enable you to afford all of the above. A job that offers good health benefits is MANDATORY. I can't stress this enough. Without good health insurance, you will be burried in healthcare debt. Kids get sick, they need medicine and a lot of doctor's visits. If you don't have one or are part of the way through, try to finish up before the baby arrives, or include an education in your future plans. 5. How will you feel about the father having involvement in the child's life if after all the turmoil, you discover you dislike him and don't believe he is a good influence? The stress of a child has broken up many a solid relationship. The relationship you have with the father right now is in flux. If you need to include him, his salary or child rearing help in the equation to make a go of it, reconsider. Many young men can't handle the pressure and bolt. There are a lot of dead-beat dads in the world. My point is, don't exclude him, but be sure you don't need to depend on him for anything critical. That way if he exits the picture, it won't effect the quality of life for you and the baby. Good luck. So what part of the following didn't you understand? "First I'd like to thank you for your advice. I am being sarcastic. I am actually totally disgusted, how can you suggest an abortion when I stated that I was happy and I do want my baby. Adoption? Mind you I am a big girl, if I am not rich, I am financially stable... ...I am not a chick, I am a grown up woman. You don't "get rid of an embryo" like you take the trash outside... ...But I'd like to reassure you on one thing, the people who talked about abortion can go to hell, I know what I want and that's my baby first, my relationship is secondary (even if it'd be ideal for a kid, but "ideal" doesn't always happen)... ...We agreed to continue the relationship (and to be exclusive) and to see what happens, that's the short version..." Why are you still giving advice like you are helping her make a decision SHE HAS ALREADY MADE!!! Read the whole thread and the responses before you reply... that might help. Sorry for the harshness, but she has made it clear that she is keeping her baby, does not want anyone to tell her otherwise, that her and the father-to-be are making a go of it, and that she can afford the baby on her own anyway.
Jinnah Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 If you cannot afford to take care of a child - Dont have them! he likely will not stay in it after all he stated he wasn't serious and this likely was fling. Again, where did you get the impression she can't afford the baby? She said she is a grown woman and financially stable... As far as the father... your statement is so untrue. You don't even know him... how can you say what he is gong to do? You can't.
a4a Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Again, where did you get the impression she can't afford the baby? She said she is a grown woman and financially stable... As far as the father... your statement is so untrue. You don't even know him... how can you say what he is gong to do? You can't. Reread my post. I was addressing your statement. As for the father - who cares - she has bigger problems to worry about right now and plan for 18+ years of commitment to this child - the man is secondary at this point. And nobody wants to be trapped into a relationship, parenthood, or marriage unless it is something they truly desire. Since he was not wanting a serious relationship likely getting into one under these circumstances will make things much tougher. But keep wishing on stars.......... la la land. I am sure he will ride up on his white horse and do the right thing and they will live happily ever after.
clandestinidad Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 But keep wishing on stars.......... la la land. I am sure he will ride up on his white horse and do the right thing and they will live happily ever after. I don't want to criticize this post, so I hope it doesn't come across badly.... When I read what the OP has written, I do not pick up any tone of desperation or 'wishing on stars' regarding her relationship with this guy. And I don't see anything in anyone's responses that would give the impression that she should hold out hope, or live in 'la la land' that he will 'ride up on his white horse' about the situation either. The OP sounds mature, and seems to know that the relationship could go either way. Sure, she might be hoping that it will work out with this guy because she probably likes him and wants it to work out for the 3 of them...but who doesn't hope that their relationship will sustain into the future? I know that in just about every relationship I've been in I've hoped that it would work out for the future.
Recommended Posts