Pregnant, need

[louisiana75]

..help... and advice on a serious situation..

 

 

My boyfriend and I met 3 months ago. To make a long story short, he didn't want anything serious and I didn't want a one night stand. I finally accepted to date him. What a mistake now that I think about it.

He was crazy about me but then backed off and freaked out, he was getting out of a 3 y relationship and "realized" he wasn't ready for anything serious.

 

Finally .. he asked me to take things slow with him. I agreed that he could see other girls as long as he was to put me first. I don't know if he was bragging or if he did see other girls, I don't want to know about it. He has been great most of the time (I'll tell you later).

 

Problem? I'm three 3 weeks pregnant. He knows. He seems happy about it, he wants to get involved, see the doctor with me, he asks me how I feel, etc... but I live two hours away... so we don't see each other a whole lot although we do spend a lot of time on the phone, everyday.

 

He learned I was pregnant and he seemed fine and happy and told me he wanted to take care of the baby. Then he went very distant and almost mean for a few days.. no need to say I was crying my eyes out, very worried. But he's now back to normal and he's pleasant with me again (a friend told me it was normal, and it was to happen again in a few months, that men freak out).

 

Well, today he told me he was gonna go shopping with his aunt (I know her so it could be true) and in the background I heard a feminine voice, it seemed like a young woman and it didn't seem like the TV. He said he had to go, said bye, I said bye, sat down and started to cry my eyes out. I don't know if i can tell him I heard someone and ask who it was... I want to know ... what if he's lying to me?

He's great most of the time but he did get mad at me twice and was verbally very aggressive. He seems controlling and I didn't know this side of him till recently. Very "alpha" type of guy.

 

Tomorrow night we're having *the* big talk about what we're going to do (his idea, "we need to talk"). I am hoping he's going to tell me we're going to make it work, our couple, and that he's going to ask me to move in with him in a couple months when I start getting big... I am so worried, what am I going to do alone and pregnant if he asks me to stay in my hometown??

I usually am very independent but right now I feel so vulnerable .. It's a moment in my life when I do need him.

I won't do anything stupid and I won't have an abortion but this affective rollercoaster is wearing me out, one day I'm great, an hour later I'm crying and worried. I know the hormones have a lot to do with it ...

 

I'd like to add that when we are together, he's great and affectionate and that I would see myself with him on the long run. I think he does too but he hasn't told me he loved me or anything like that, it's been three months so I can understand that; beside i haven't told him either.

 

If he tells me I should stay where I live, do I tell him off and call it? Do I wait for him to be ready for more? I REALLY need advice, but please I don't need to get lectured about being pregnant (and yes, I am happy and I do want my baby).

 

This isn't my computer so I won't be able to read your answer till tomorrow morning, so please reply even if I don't! Ask questions if you need, I'll answer.

 

Thank you

[Mezzi]

Hi, well I think your boyfriend doesnt want to be committed to you at this time.

Therefore, im not expecting him to ask you to move in with him or anything of the sort.

However, I think he may be willing to commit to the baby. So he may want to be intensively involved with the child and not you.

 

As for the voice in the background it could have very well been one of the other women that you and him agreed he could date as long as he put you first. Or it could be hormones playing tricks with your ears and it was his Aunt...kidding lol I know hormones cant affect hearing but im just trying to say it could have still been his Aunt.

 

I think you need to brace yourself for the possibility that this man may not want to move from this stage in your relationship even though you are carrying his child.

 

Stay strong and good luck to you, your baby and your relationship.

[norajane]

How old are you and why do you want to have this baby?

 

If you are on your own, do you have enough money to support a child, plus child care while you work? Do you have health insurance that will pay for prenatal care, the childbirth, and that will cover the baby for pediatric care for all the immunizations and check-ups after?

 

Have you been to a doctor yet and had your overall health checked out? Started taking pre-natal vitamins?

 

Would your family support you and help you? Will that be enough help?

 

Are you ready to give up your life as it currently is in favor of being a full time mother without a full time father around?

 

I'm asking all these question because you have to consider the reality of what a baby will mean to your life - and to the baby's. Odds are, this guy isn't going to be a full time dad. He doesn't love you - 3 months of long-distance, non-monogamous relationship isn't love. If you can't be a mother on your own, then don't have this baby. If you don't want to abort, put it up for adoption.

[Jinnah]

If you can't be a mother on your own, then don't have this baby. If you don't want to abort, put it up for adoption.

 

Norajane, you say this so carelessly, even after she said she will not abort and that she WANTS her baby. This is one topic people should not just give cut-and-dry, quickly (and without much thought) opinions... there is a lot more to this story than we are even hearing. That's someones LIFE you are casually commenting on... sorry, but you have no right to tell this person's mother what to do with them!

 

Anyway, Louisiana75, you can do this. Plenty of guys freak out upon hearing this type of news. It's hard for the mom-to-be and it's also hard for the father-to-be. He is going to go through shock, denial, anger, fear, depression, acceptance, happiness, etc. and he may go through many of those emotions more than once. Each day will be different. Be patient with him.

 

I know so many guys who are so terrified that they even get to the point and plead the mother-to-be to have an abortion. The mothers I know have refused, and the baby was born and guess what? The father's love the baby sooo much, can't imagine life without that child, and thank the mother for having the baby anyway! I even know a father (personally) who threatened the mother and child to be and later realized how crazy the things he said were and what a HUGE mistake it was to even think like that... he hated himself for what he thought and said and now the child is the light of his life.

 

I'm obviously not saying to expect anything as extreme as that last father I mentioned, but do expect him to be a roller coaster of emotions. Be patient with him... it will all work out.

[Jinnah]

Or it could be hormones playing tricks with your ears and it was his Aunt...kidding lol I know hormones cant affect hearing but im just trying to say it could have still been his Aunt.

 

 

Lol, it really might have been his aunt... talk to him. Just tell him you heard a young female and want to know who it is.

[norajane]

That's someones LIFE you are casually commenting on... sorry, but you have no right to tell this person's mother what to do with them!

Those are her only options, aren't they? If she's holding out for this guy to suddenly become her dream lover/husband/babydaddy, that's a foolish, foolish hope. So yeah, if she cannot handle emotionally and financially raising a child by herself, what other options does she have? That's the reality. You can't raise a child on fantasy alone.

 

If she does have the financial means and is capable of being a single mother, then, by all means, she has no need to consider any alternatives.

[Jinnah]

Those are her only options, aren't they? If she's holding out for this guy to suddenly become her dream lover/husband/babydaddy, that's a foolish, foolish hope. So yeah, if she cannot handle emotionally and financially raising a child by herself, what other options does she have? That's the reality. You can't raise a child on fantasy alone.

 

If she does have the financial means and is capable of being a single mother, then, by all means, she has no need to consider any alternatives.

 

She said she is happy and wants her baby. I don't think we can determine whether or not she has the financial means (but if there's a will there's a way), but it sounds like she has her emotions under control.

 

As far as the father, who knows... he could decide he is going to be there and he could become great in this situation... we can't judge that as we do not know him.

[melodymatters]

Well, who knows, anything can happen, BUT most guys in love DON'T want to see other girls. My last 3 bf's ( monogomous relationships that span years) all aksed ME to be exclusive in pretty much the first week.

 

So, think long and hard. Not only about the practical, financial aspects nora mentioned, but what about if he is psyched about the child, but not you ? How are you going to feel when he and his new Gf want to come and pick up your precious baby for the weekend ? Worried, vindictive ?

 

I hope and pary everything works out for you, and you end up making the right decision for yourself, but PLEASE don't think that having this guys baby is a "relationship accelerator', It could totally backfire in your face !

[Cad Rake]

Nora's one of the few women on here with consistently good, topical advice and without pandering to her own agenda. So I'd listen to it.

 

She right, the guy is almost assuredly NOT happy that the chick is pregnant. I'd get rid of the embryo before it develops more.

 

What a mess.

[norajane]

She said she is happy

 

Not entirely:

 

no need to say I was crying my eyes out, very worried.

 

I am so worried, what am I going to do alone and pregnant if he asks me to stay in my hometown??

 

I usually am very independent but right now I feel so vulnerable ..

 

one day I'm great, an hour later I'm crying and worried.

 

 

All I'm saying is she needs to PLAN for the very real possibility that she will be alone and pregnant, and then alone and a single mother.

 

She can't make her decisions and plans on the hope and wish that he will want to be a couple with her. She can't just ignore that he may not want to be father to a child with a woman he barely even knows and didn't want to be monogamous with in the first place. And she can't count on him wanting to be with her just because she has his baby.

[IpAncA]

She right, the guy is almost assuredly NOT happy that the chick is pregnant. I'd get rid of the embryo before it develops more.

 

What a mess.

 

That's is? Just throw it away...oh well move on huh? Not that easy for people and if she wants to keep it she can.

 

My opinion on the voice was that maybe someone else walked by. That does happen. It is possible he was where people were. Just a thought.

[JCD]

You should have unprotected sex once you're married with a life long partner. Anything else is not fair to the kid or to future b/f. The main reason why I turned down girls is because everyone I meet has kids. Please think about that because it will affect your future relationships. You might not get a self respecting guy because of this problem. So the only other guys you'll get are those with kids also and that creates another set of problems for you.

[clandestinidad]

Well, I do not believe that someone should just get rid of their baby because they are alone, or because the 'relationship' is not sociologically 'acceptable' for having a baby (although this is changing due to the huge amount of single mothers, whether by accidental means, or divorce, etc). NO ONE has to be a mother ALONE. There are always family members from both sides of the baby's family, or members of your community that would love to help. Life is difficult and things happen in consequence to the choices we make. So you're pregnant...you seem to want to keep the baby, so I really hope that this thread will NOT turn into a debate over whether or not to terminate.

 

Your questions are centered around the baby's father, hopefully we can all stick to that topic.

 

Anyway, I dated someone off and on in college for a few months. He was abusive, and during one of our off times we found out we were pregnant. Long story short, we got married. I did not want to, but was convinced that it was the 'right thing to do'. We lived together a total of 4 months until his abuse crossed the line and I was done. (If you would like to talk about how my life has been ever since the baby was born, I would love to share this with you and maybe it could help)

 

I hope that the 2 of you will not pursue marriage at this time. Please try not to even discuss it, as it can be too much pressure to handle right now. And I think moving in together is a very bad idea at this stage of your relationship. I truly believe that you need to relax, and take the relationship lightly for now. You have not been together very long, and have not even gone down the "I love you" path yet.

 

If the 2 of you are in a monogamous, committed relationship then give it time to develop some more. If you're not, then give it some time and maybe in a few months you 2 will be able to come together in a committed relationship. What I'm basically saying is GIVE IT TIME, hun.

 

You have all the time in the world to see where this relationship goes. Do not worry about it, and do not try to force it just because there is a baby on the way...that never benefits anyone and rarely do those relationships work out. Moving in together is a very serious step, which should be done when a couple KNOWS where their relationship is going...not done in order to try to figure out their relationship because there is a baby in the mix.

 

A girl I knew got pregnant in High School. She and the baby's father shared the child and spent time together. Over the next couple of years, they grew closer and got married. But it took time for their relationship to develop, and time for them to grow up too.

 

Anyway, I don't know if this advice is what you were looking for. I hope it is, but if not please clarify what you're looking for. I really want to be there for you. Hopefully things that I've been through can help you a little bit.

[clandestinidad]

Please think about that because it will affect your future relationships. You might not get a self respecting guy because of this problem. So the only other guys you'll get are those with kids also and that creates another set of problems for you.

 

This is totally narrow-minded and quite frankly just incorrect information.

 

Will having a child affect your future relationships, yes. Just like a child born in a marriage will affect that relationship.

 

Now, about getting a self-respecting guy...I'm in a relationship with the most wonderful man I've ever known. Everyone here would be very surprised if they ever found out who he is. We have a baby. I did not have ANY problem having relationships with intelligent, caring, fun men...they obviously had other qualities too:P NONE of the men I've dated or been in serious relationships had ANY children.

 

So, no...finding a 'self-respecting' guy will not be based on whether or not you have any children. It will be based on what kind of men you choose to have relationships with.

 

I used to think 'who would want me now'....and my god have I been surprised at the answer. Most men do not care that a woman has a child(ren)! Those men that DO care are very often judgmental, egotistical, and immature...they cannot accept that fact THEY too could have gotten someone pregnant. Its the caring, accepting, loving men who are able to love a woman and her child.

 

Simply the fact that the sentence was written like this:

 

You might not get a self respecting guy because of this problem

 

Should tell you a lot about the qualities of the person who posted that. It is not a PROBLEM. Stay away from people with those bad qualities, and you will do wonderfully.

[chellybean48]

You don't say how old you are but you sound very young. If you are are in a stable place, ie living arrangements, school, job, etc, you should stay where you are. Your boyfriend, and I use the term loosely, does not sound like he is ready to settle down and be a responsible father. You say you are going to keep your baby so you are going to be a mother. Unlike a man, we women aren't usually given all the choices that men are. We carry these lives under our hearts for nine months and they are a part of us. Even is he were to go to a few doctor appontments wit you, he will never feel what you do. As a woman, if you have to ask if he is cheating on you, you already know the answer to that. You and your baby deserve better. You do not want your baby to grow up with someone who is mean to his/her mother and you don't want to live your life like. As I said, you sound like a very young lady. You have your whole live ahead of you. Stay where you are, have your baby and someday a good man will find you and become a good father to your baby. Good luck, sweetie. May God be with you and your baby. Please contact me if you need to talk.

[Mezzi]

I totally agree with your posts to norajane, Jinnah.

As a matter of fact I had a post similiar to yours composed to reply to her thoughtless post but then scrapped it because I didnt want a flame war to begin.

 

It seems as if though norajane missed louisiana75's statement of "please I don't need to get lectured about being pregnant (and yes, I am happy and I do want my baby)."

[Jinnah]

Not entirely:

 

 

The original poster specifically said, "I REALLY need advice, but please I don't need to get lectured about being pregnant (and yes, I am happy and I do want my baby)," as both Mezzi and I noticed. She is happy just concerned about the situation with the father. We don't need to get into a "keep the baby or not" debate as she requested.

[Jinnah]

Nora's one of the few women on here with consistently good, topical advice and without pandering to her own agenda. So I'd listen to it.

 

She right, the guy is almost assuredly NOT happy that the chick is pregnant. I'd get rid of the embryo before it develops more.

 

What a mess.

 

She already said she wants to keep her BABY, so this type of advice is in unproductive.

[Jinnah]

You should have unprotected sex once you're married with a life long partner. Anything else is not fair to the kid or to future b/f. The main reason why I turned down girls is because everyone I meet has kids. Please think about that because it will affect your future relationships. You might not get a self respecting guy because of this problem. So the only other guys you'll get are those with kids also and that creates another set of problems for you.

 

These statements are actually very untrue. Don't you know how many GREAT step-fathers there are out there that blow the biological fathers out of the water? Guys who have a relationship with someone with children are not self-respecting?! Come on! This is very insulting.

 

I was married at a young age and then became pregnant. The father was abusive and also said he committed adultery, so I left. I went back to work and there I met a wonderful man (with lots of self-respect, thank you). We got married and he loves me AND my two children from the previous marriage. He DID NOT have any kids beforehand. The only biological child he has is the one we had together after we married. He treats my two older children the same as our younger one, and loves them the same. He sees them all the same way.

 

Her BABY (not problem) will not affect any future relationships WITH GOOD MEN (if the father-to-be does not come around - which he very well may do). If anything it will weed out the men she wouldn't want anyway... ones with your viewpoint.

[louisiana75]

Back to the computer.

 

First I'd like to thank you for your advice. I am being sarcastic. I am actually totally disgusted, how can you suggest an abortion when I stated that I was happy and I do want my baby. Adoption? Mind you I am a big girl, if I am not rich, I am financially stable. I didn't know we were still in 1957... we are in 2007 and help is available out there.

 

She right, the guy is almost assuredly NOT happy that the chick is pregnant. I'd get rid of the embryo before it develops more.

I am not a chick, I am a grown up woman. You don't "get rid of an embryo" like you take the trash outside.

 

 

If I gave you the impression that I was desperate, maybe I was. Everybody gets depressed in life at a point or another. Some people get depressed because they lost a 3 weeks old relationship and it seems like the end of the world. I post here because I am pregnant and I get fired at? I am sorry but what the hell...

I might have sounded totally panicked, my bad... But I'd like to reassure you on one thing, the people who talked about abortion can go to hell, I know what I want and that's my baby first, my relationship is secondary (even if it'd be ideal for a kid, but "ideal" doesn't always happen).

 

 

I did appreciate your support everybody else.

 

We agreed to continue the relationship (and to be exclusive) and to see what happens, that's the short version. Everything he said was not always what I wanted to hear and vice versa, but overall it was positive.

As for me staying in my hometown? I am wondering if I am better off living alone for now and make sure that this relationship is going somewhere. I was worried about going through it alone and I forgot that... I CAN do it alone (yes, I have family and friends).

 

I don't want to get on my friend's computer all the time (and buying a computer right now doesn't seem like a smart move!!!) so I am not sure when I will be able to read you answers but I can assure you of one thing, everything will be ok for me.

[Jinnah]

Back to the computer.

 

First I'd like to thank you for your advice. I am being sarcastic. I am actually totally disgusted, how can you suggest an abortion when I stated that I was happy and I do want my baby. Adoption? Mind you I am a big girl, if I am not rich, I am financially stable. I didn't know we were still in 1957... we are in 2007 and help is available out there.

 

I am not a chick, I am a grown up woman. You don't "get rid of an embryo" like you take the trash outside.

 

 

If I gave you the impression that I was desperate, maybe I was. Everybody gets depressed in life at a point or another. Some people get depressed because they lost a 3 weeks old relationship and it seems like the end of the world. I post here because I am pregnant and I get fired at? I am sorry but what the hell...

I might have sounded totally panicked, my bad... But I'd like to reassure you on one thing, the people who talked about abortion can go to hell, I know what I want and that's my baby first, my relationship is secondary (even if it'd be ideal for a kid, but "ideal" doesn't always happen).

 

 

I did appreciate your support everybody else.

 

We agreed to continue the relationship (and to be exclusive) and to see what happens, that's the short version. Everything he said was not always what I wanted to hear and vice versa, but overall it was positive.

As for me staying in my hometown? I am wondering if I am better off living alone for now and make sure that this relationship is going somewhere. I was worried about going through it alone and I forgot that... I CAN do it alone (yes, I have family and friends).

 

I don't want to get on my friend's computer all the time (and buying a computer right now doesn't seem like a smart move!!!) so I am not sure when I will be able to read you answers but I can assure you of one thing, everything will be ok for me.

 

RIGHT ON!! I hope and pray that everything will work out for you, Louisiana! I can tell you that you have the right train-of-thought regarding this whole situation... you will be just fine.

 

As far as the father-to-be, that is great that you guys have come to this decision. As I said before, be patient with him and give it time... he seems like the type that will come around (and it looks like he already has )... don't worry and stay focused. Enjoy your baby and pregnancy! It all flies by too fast! When you have the time, I would love an update!

 

To everyone else who is against this, babies are precious, not an inconvenience! You don't just "get rid of them". Just think about your lost life if someone had told your mother to get rid of you, and she listened. This is such reckless advice to throw around!

[Jinnah]

I am not bashing a baby, I am bashing the decsions that she made that created this situation. I am bashing her for being selfish, having unprotected sex without thinking about the consequences of another human being - the child.

 

And things have changed a lot since my mother gave birth to me. We wouldn't be having this discussion 30 years ago.

 

Not true, these situations happened 30 years ago. There were just less resources for help and advice. It wasn't openly talked about the same way as today. You have no right to bash the poster for anything either. Are you perfect? I do not find her to be selfish for this... on the other hand, it would be selfish for a person to not have a baby because they didn't feel like it or whatever reason. No one's life should be taken or discredited because of the parent's life is not "ideal" (according to you).

 

Plus, it sounds like she has the perfect support system... you had just assumed she didn't.

[peace_pipe]

Plus, it sounds like she has the perfect support system... you had just assumed she didn't.

 

No, she said herself this guy didn't want a serious relationship, but she chose to have sex with him anyway.

 

Guess what? It just got really serious.

[Jinnah]

 

We agreed to continue the relationship (and to be exclusive) and to see what happens, that's the short version...

 

... I was worried about going through it alone and I forgot that... I CAN do it alone (yes, I have family and friends).

 

 

There's her support system! Either way, she has one.

[Jinnah]

I believe the whole "not getting a computer thing" did not mean she could not afford it. She actually said it wouldn't be a smart move, as in since she is having a baby it would be better to save for the baby... make sense?

 

My husband has a good job and we have kids, but I don't see us going out right now and randomly dropping wads of money unless we really needed to... doesn't make us poor (we're most definitely not)... just means we make smart financial moves... it's smart of her to say what she did!

 

As a taxpayer, my husband and I are more than willing to help in situations where a child needs financial help, but if you will re-read her post, she said she is financially stable... she doesn't need taxpayers money, and who cares if she did. The baby is worth it.

 

I'm not saying the baby was created in the best possible scenario out there, but the fact is, the baby is on the way and she is making the best of it (actually she is doing way better than making the best of it). Plus, who has the right to decide when and how a baby should be created?