Ruby Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Ok so he has just text me, its the first contact since last Monday when he walked out of my house telling me not to call him. It said "Thinking about you" and then he text again 20 mins later saying "Alot" I havn't replied but I really need some support and advice guys Why do I feel like I just wish it was all ok when I should be just grateful I got out now before I got too involved? He is childish and controlling so why do I love him? I hate myelf for saying that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author Ruby Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 I know I am driving you all mad but some feedback would be very nice!
Kwo-ne'-she Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I know I am driving you all mad but some feedback would be very nice! I had to go back and read some of your other threads before knowing the situation well enough to comment on it. Stay strong, and continue the NC. The man is controlling and emotionally abusive. You are far better off without him, and will realize that once the pain of losing him goes away somewhat. He texted you, because he may have realized what he gave up. Too little, too late, girl. Do not go back, or he will continue treating you as he has in the past. Each time you fight, then not only go back to him, but end up apologizing to him, you are showing him that you are willing to put up with that treatment.
Author Ruby Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Thank you for taking the time to look back and to reply Kwo I know I need to stay strong and ignore his texts. I need to keep him out of my life. How can I love a man who treated me this way??????
Kwo-ne'-she Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Thank you for taking the time to look back and to reply Kwo I know I need to stay strong and ignore his texts. I need to keep him out of my life. How can I love a man who treated me this way?????? Well. As a woman who lived in an abusive marriage for 20 yrs, and followed that up with 2 emotionally abusive relationships..... I think, some of the answer lies in our self esteem, and some in our desire to "help" or "fix" things. I can't speak for you, only myself, but when I fell in love, I gave my whole heart. Once the "honeymoon" period was over, and the meanness started, I already cared a great deal about them, and had difficulty walking away. I'm loyal beyond all reason, and kept telling myself that maybe if I did this, or tried that, it would make everything all better. The fact is, men like that are not going to change unless they want to. Many of them don't even see that they have a problem. So, odds are, you could never be happy with him, even if you went back. His treatment of you would only get worse, since you would be (basically) letting him know it is ok to treat you in that manner. Rely on your family, or friends. Talk as much as you need to. Keep in mind the "bad", don't lose sight of that in your weaker moments. You still feel love, because love isn't an emotion we can simply flip a switch off. (Would have been nice for me, if I could have at times. LOL) You are holding on to the man you fell in love with, the nice guy in the beginning. Not the one he later showed himself to be. It can be very difficult to separate the two in our minds, and our hearts. Be thankful you got out as quickly as you did. You deserve to be treated well, and for various reasons, this guy was not "the one" for you. There are other men out there, and one day, you will find one who makes you forget all of the others.
IpAncA Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Ok so he has just text me, its the first contact since last Monday when he walked out of my house telling me not to call him. It said "Thinking about you" and then he text again 20 mins later saying "Alot" I havn't replied but I really need some support and advice guys Why do I feel like I just wish it was all ok when I should be just grateful I got out now before I got too involved? He is childish and controlling so why do I love him? I hate myelf for saying that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm suggesting that if you want to end the relationship end it. He's not going to stop doing this to you. No matter how much you think he will, he won't. Why? Because he can. No one who doesn't have issues like this would do this to someone their in a relationship with.
Author Ruby Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 I was in a very verbally abusive relationship for a long time so when i met this guy he was the complete opposite. He didnt call me nasty names or scream and shout at me, all he done was go quiet for a few days when he wa mad at me. That was fantastic Oh yeah, until all the insecurity and head messing came into it! He is never nasty to me and he is lovely to my son, BUT he just disappears for days for no apparent reason and this just happens out of the blue. I still feel pushed out every 2 weeks when his children come to stay with him and I do feel that I see him on HIS terms! Sometimes I can talk to him and other times I cant. He has so many lovely ways, he has redecorated my whole house and laid floors everywhere, he helps with my son when I am stuck, he will go to the shops for me and with me, he buys me flowers and always tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is. I just wish he wasnt so childish! Tell me, could her ever change if he wanted to? Could he realise what he has lost with me and change? Is this possible?
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Ok so he has just text me, its the first contact since last Monday when he walked out of my house telling me not to call him. Ruby, block him, or create a new accout, then invite all the people you DO talk with on that new account. This guy is an a-hole and is just waiting for you to feed his big ego. Yuk!
Author Ruby Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 so you dont think he really does miss me?
Art_Critic Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Stay strong' date=' and continue the NC. [b']The man is controlling and emotionally abusive.[/b] Ruby, block him, or create a new accout, then invite all the people you DO talk with on that new account. This guy is an a-hole and is just waiting for you to feed his big ego. Yuk! I agree with Kno and WWIU.. the man is abusive.. just because a person doesn't smack you around doesn't mean that he isn't being abusive.. Finish the dump on the chump.. he walked out on you and told you never to contact him again.. Show him you are good to his words and do as he asked.. never contact him.. Treat him to silence.. it is the loudest way to drive a point home that you want rid of his trashy behavior..
Art_Critic Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 so you dont think he really does miss me? Not like you think or not like you would like him too... He is trying to pull you back in to the drama...
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 so you dont think he really does miss me? He may miss you, but he's playing some sort of game with you. HAS he ever been honest with you? Because his actions are all over the place.
Ironman Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 is that most men are emotionally out of tune with their partners. i have no doubt he misses you, and wouldnt question that; i would question why... by the sounds of things, it was a very difficult relationship, and if this guy is controlling and abusive, he would be a very lucky person to find someone else who would be prepared to put up with him as you did. i know its hard but try not to attach your feelings to this. regardless of what you may feel, the point of a relationship is to enrich your life. this guy seems to long for the easier life thats all. you sound like a very intelligent and mature person. there are so many people in the world. whats to say your true love and soulmate is not around the corner? i feel hypocritical giving out advice, but i guess its always easier to give it than to recieve it. a good heart is hard to find. you have a good heart by the sounds of things. protect it as much as you can, one day your prince will come.
Author Ruby Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 He is mostly honest with me . I am so confused I hate this I wont reply, and |I am talking here without a brave front as I cant do this in RL. Its ok to come across as pathetic here I just cant let my family see it I am really hoping I can do the right thing and end this for good!
Ironman Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 i know how you feel....all of us put on brave faces. take comfort in the fact that many people have gone through the same thing. take comfort in the fact that you can say how you really feel here. yr never alone on the internet
Author Ruby Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 You are all so kind and none of you have made me feel like a fool, thank you I wish I was as strong as I should be
JCD Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Ruby, if it makes you feel any better, you could give him last chance to change. If he doesn't then you've done everything you could and need to move on.
garnet Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Sorry, I really disagree with the above poster about giving him another chance. It won't change anything. By saying he is missing you, he is perpetuating the cycle. This is CLASSIC behavior in an abusive relationship. I was in one for three years, and subsequently became trained as a counselor to abused women. I know from reading your other threads that this guy is emotionally abusive. He will NOT change if you give him another chance. I honestly don't think what you're feeling is love, but rather emotional dependence. It is so unhealthy! Do not reply to his text and get rid of him for good! You will look back on it as the best thing you have ever done for yourself. Trust me! This type of relationship is like an addiction, that's why people keep going back for more. It takes an incredibly strong will to break out of it, but I have no doubt you can do it. Once you break free of it, it will become easier every day. It is incredibly liberating. Stay strong and surround yourself with a support system as much as possible.
Author Ruby Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 I feel a bit stronger today. I just hope he does not contact me. How can I love this man? How can I miss him when our relationship was like a roller coaster? WHy do the good things about him keep creeping in? I know what I have to do so why isnt the right choice easy? Sorry to go on and on I have driven my friends mad so I have to give them a break lol
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Ruby, block him! Block his email address, and his instant messenger too. You miss the man you 'thought' he was, but he isn't that person...And he can't be because he is a big fat jerk! Keep venting and whatever you do, don't contact him at all. Don't read the emails (BLOCK HIM! YOU CAN DO IT, it's for your own good!) don't answer his calls. Your silence should tell him alot - That's the way to deal with ego's and abusers. Don't give 'em your power, your energy, your thoughts...Nothing just silence..
Author Ruby Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 He never emails me - Only calls or texts on my mobile phone He rang me today from a payphone and left a message, it said "Hi Ruby, I am just ringing to wish (my sons name) a good day at his new school tomorrow and to ask you to call me in the week so I can pick up my stuff, thanks" What an ass! I can read him like a book! Isnt it amazing that he can get to a payphone when it suits him but not at any other time! I am not going to call him back. He can get his stuff when it suits ME and I will not meet him to give him it. I will leave it outside my door one day in the week. He is annoyed that I did not reply to him last night so he is letting me know that we are finished, only that isnt what he wants. He wants to scare me into contacting him. He wants me to panic that we are over and that wont happen. I feel different now (thanks to you guys) I feel stronger and I know he is no good for me. I want his stuff out of my house but not when it suits HIM, when it suits ME! Screw him and all that sail in him!
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 SHOVE his things in a box, EMAIL him and tell him his stuff is on the porch and he can pick it up NOW and not to call you again.
IpAncA Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 He rang me today from a payphone and left a message, it said "Hi Ruby, I am just ringing to wish (my sons name) a good day at his new school tomorrow and to ask you to call me in the week so I can pick up my stuff, thanks" Ruby don't go to his level and play games. If he wants his stuff just give it to him. Just do it and get it over with. Then it's done and you can move on.
sfsassy Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 My ex was like this, he could be oh so nice, but it was just one side of him It was harder to know he was abusive because it was much more subtle than physical vilonce or raging verbally. And of course he wanted to be worshipped and no one can worship someone forever. I was only with them for a year, and it took me about two to even be in a place where I could date without knowing it would cause a bunch of problems with me or the guys I date. I'm now mostly fine, 99% of the time, but it's something I wish on no one, because you end up doubting your self worth. So block the dude from contacting you, after you give him his stuff back. And be sure you give him ALL of his stuff back, as he will just use lost items as a reason to contact you. (And don't destroy anything of his, even if he never showed ANY interest in getting it back while you were together!)
Author Ruby Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 Can you explain more about your relationship with a guy like this sf? I am getting scared now Why do I feel scared? He just called me and starting talking normal, I didnt even want to talk to him and he said "dont you want me to call you?" and I said no so he said goodbye I dont want to hold onto his things, I am not playing a game I just refuse to run around calling him and arranging it when HE has caused all of this for no reason I dont even miss him at the moment, I feel anxious and scared that he wont let me go, maybe I feel like this because of my ex and how he was when I left him.
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