Capricciosa Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Just over 4 months, my relationship with someone I had lived with for 6 months ended. It started out beautifully, intensely. Our first date lasted 5 weeks. It started to go downhill after that, and in the end, he was lying and conducting cyber affairs in my home, on my computer and blaming me for it on top of it all. After he moved out and left the country (he was from Europe), I was mostly relieved, but heartbroken too because I had really felt something for him. I made myself very busy, my friends were really great and supportive, and I ended up having quite a fine summer, finding myself again, getting my life, which had ground to a halt while he was here, back in gear. I am involved in lots of new activities, I am busier than I have been in a long time, I have things to look forward to. But lately I've been feeling bad about the relationship again, I've been having dreams about him, where I am in the same lousy unloved place and desperate to make it work. We contacted each other once after he left, and I stopped the contact after that because I knew it could not lead to anything good. He has not contacted me since. So why do I have all these feelings coming up now? Part of me thinks that it is because the anniversary of when we met is coming up. I am not floored by any of my emotions, but the dreams are disturbing me and making me sad, putting me back in that place. Has anyone else had this delayed reaction? What is your take on it? What should I do?
underpants Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I think this is normal. When first hurt the response is to distract yourself as much as possible. As time goes by and things begin to settle there is that ...nostalgia that can't help but creep in. At some point you have to deal with it. For alot of people this means reconnecting with the ex. This particuliar ex sounds not so great. The 6ish month mark is pretty common from what I see. My advice is to ride it out. Deal with it and embrace whatever emotions and doubts it may bring up inside you. You might grow from the experience and find a reason why (thus to avoid) the attraction to this type of person. Take the hard road because the summit will be that much better. I wish you the best.
Author Capricciosa Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Thanks UP. My biggest challenge is to ride it out without getting some other guy involved for distraction. I really don't want to contact the ex, though it is also weird to go from all to nothing. I guess that's how those lightning bolt relationships go. I imagined when we broke up that the first month would be the most difficult and that with every month I would get more and more distance, care about it less. I'm just a little bummed out that those feelings are still lurking in my unconscious.
Mitch R. Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Broke up with the ex at the beginning of the summer and was fine until this past Monday. This past week has been terrible with grief, not eating, sadness, all that stuff. It's like I was in denial for 2.5 mo and then all of a sudden the grieving process hit me. There's no set pattern or timeline for grief. Generally, when we're in denial we don't feel things. Its also probably the fact that I made the mistake of seeing her last weekend which really put things into perspective.
Author Capricciosa Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 Broke up with the ex at the beginning of the summer and was fine until this past Monday. This past week has been terrible with grief, not eating, sadness, all that stuff. It's like I was in denial for 2.5 mo and then all of a sudden the grieving process hit me. There's no set pattern or timeline for grief. Generally, when we're in denial we don't feel things. Its also probably the fact that I made the mistake of seeing her last weekend which really put things into perspective. So what are you going to do? I guess I am fortunate b/c he is in another country now. But maybe your sighting will actually clear things up faster, A rush of emotion to the senses, then it goes. I'm on the slow release plan, apparently. I feel I should just feel it and then it will dissipate.
Mitch R. Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Capri - For more background, read my post here. That gives you the background Based on that story, here's what I intend to do: 1. Wait for her to call and ask to sit down face to face with her and tell her where I stand: Don't call/contact me if it's solely because the other person is unavailible. I'm not a pawn or a backup, and I can't be friends at this point. And also get everything out on the table: Where she is with this guy, where I'm at, and if we should just put closure on the entire relationship or if it can be worked out. I just can't have it going back to the way it was, so I'm not hopeful that it can be worked out and will most likely just have to grieve it and move on. 2. Email her and do the same as above. When I saw her last Fri., it sounded like she was either unsure of or having problems with the relationship. I also want to make it clear that I'm not some kind of "backup plan". That simply won't happen. My reasoning for this is I don't want to move on with my life and then have her contact me down the road. That's why we really need to lay everything out on the table, so we can reconcile or put closure to everything.
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