BF thinks it's OK to spend weekend with female friend - !

[ladyfeelinglost]

Hello everyone,

 

First time here. I will warn you now, this will probably be a long post but I need to really set the stage for you, I feel, so that you can offer the best advice.

 

I am 40, my BF (err, now ex) is 35. We've been together for a rocky 10 months. I have ended it several times because he's treated me like crap on several occasions -- but unfortunately, once I stand my ground and end it, he manages to sweet talk me back and I fall for it - being the eternal optimist.

 

So back in July/August, we'd spent some weekends camping together - probably the best times we've ever had in terms of becoming closer and getting things back on track. It was at the end of a long weekend in August, we were planning to leave again in 4 days to spend 5 days camping down in Montana together. We'd both taken the time off work to do so and I was really looking forward to it, and apparently so was he. So at the end of this particular long weekend (leading up to Montana trip), he was very distant and rude to me that day. We drove back home and he barely had 2 words to say to me. The day before he'd got me to call down to Montana to confirm our upcoming campsite reservations - I had no hint what was about to come down. But on this day, he was rude ..we get back home to his place, I spend the afternoon and evening listening to him bark orders at me while cleaning his trailer. I busted my arse, quite frankly. He was "go in the house and wash this", "clean this".........just not friendly at all, very demanding. I was on the verge of tears. I'd asked him if he was mad at me, he told me he wasn't. I helped him with housework, did several loads of laundry for him, repacked the trailer, all my stuff was ready to go for our trip. We had dinner then watched a movie he wanted me to see.

 

The next day I get home from work to an email from him - telling me what a rotten time he'd had with me that weekend and that he didn't want to see me anymore, that things just weren't going to work. I was dumbfounded. He'd used me the day before to clean his trailer, have sex with him, do his laundry, repack the trailer and now was dumping me for flimsy reasons, 4 days before our trip.

 

He ended up going on the trip with his Mom and brother. As expected, the day he got back home he began emailing me - acting like nothing was wrong, wanting to take me for a nice dinner. I was furious and still very very hurt. I ignored his emails for 2 days. He had ruined my vacation and had hurt me a great deal. He apologized for doing it but said he felt pulled in different directions and felt it was easier to tell me he didn't want to go than his family so instead of telling me he didn't want to go with me, he felt it easier to just "let me go."

 

He tried to win me back, all these promises about how he'd show me love and he'd never do that kind of thing again. I fell for it. But the next day I realized that i was just too hurt and I would never trust him again - feeling secure in our relationship was already an ongoing issue, now I had to go each day waiting for him to dump me when it was 'convenient' for him and then he'd just expect to pick up where we left off upon his return. Couldn't do it and I emailed him to tell him I couldn't continue, what he'd done was awful.

 

Long story short.........it was another long weekend last weekend. A few days prior to that, like clockwork, he began emailing me....begging me to go for dinner with him............I ignored him because in the past, he plays these games, writes all the sweet things, makes promises but when we're actually together, he shows me no affection, never tells me he loves me, is rude to me, always putting me down. He is a master manipulator and his words on a screen now mean nothing.

 

He ended up going camping. When he returned this past Monday, as expected, he began to email me - begging me to meet him face to face, telling me we couldn't just let things end like they had; he needed to talk to me, "we" needed to talk and that he loved me and knew we could work things out. After several hours of him begging me to meet with him, I gave in and stupidly did. He seemed very scared and sad..........I could see a look in his eyes I'd never seen before..........he told me he loved me. I told him that I couldn't keep up with this emotional rollercoaster and that being with him made me very stressed and I didn't know how I could ever trust him again (he lies a lot about things, which is another of our ongoing issues). He begged me to give "us" another chance.

 

I asked him who he'd gone camping with. He told me "you're not going to like it"...............he spent the entire long weekend camping with a female friend of his. Oh, and he admitted that the slept in the same bed in his trailer (though his trailer sleeps 7). She is someone he's known since they were teens. Let me tell you, this woman is a skank. She has no boundaries, no self respect and when she's drunk she is all over any guy like a dirty shirt. She worships my BF (err, ex), thinks he hung the moon. She would think nothing of being in my presence and being drunk and mauling him. She was once at a New Years party I wasn't at (we were broken up) and she was there with a boyfriend but apparently spent the entire night drunk and lying all over my BF's lap..........and as my friend put it, who was there, "she was like a cat in heat - I wouldn't let that b*tch within 10 feet of my BF." She did say that my BF seemed uncomfortable but surely didn't push her away. This skank has even hit on my ex's married friends; vulnerable guys who were going through marriage problems..........she is a first class ho. My BF claims that as teens, she had a real crush on him but nothing ever came of it, his choice. She is the kind to do a strip tease at a party and gain attention from men. She's completely out of control when drinking. She also sleeps around a lot. No self respect.

 

Anyway..............he admitted they slept in the same bed while camping. Claimed it was not wrong of him to take her, after all, he'd asked me to go but I ignored him so he took her. Swore they did nothing. I don't know if I believe that or not. I told him it was screwed up and bizarre that they would sleep in the same bed............he told me that that's just the way their relationship is - they used to go to curling bonspiels together and would often share a bed in the hotel room and it was nothing. i told him that adult friends of the opposite sex just don't do this..........particularly when in a trailer and there's other places to sleep.

 

I thought I could get past this but it weighed on my mind.

 

This weekend he's to attend a weekend of Paintball with his coworkers, a big annual event. Apparently a lot of the guys are bringing their wives and girlfriends. He didn't ask me. Last night I had a funny feeling about why he hadn't asked me. So I came right out and asked him, "so is your skanky friend going to this thing?" ...........he looks down and says "well yeah, she was invited by my boss" (I guess the boss met them while camping last weekend and they all hiked together). I was furious. Had I not asked, it doesn't seem he'd have told me. Of course she'll be sleeping in his trailer...though he claimed it sure wouldn't be with him because he'd have 2 coworkers (male) sleeping in there, too..........but it's impossible for them to all sleep in there and 2 of them not have to share a bed................

 

I was so disgusted that I left and went home, emailed him and told him I'm done for good. He emailed me and called, begging me not to let this ruin our relationship, begging me to come over and talk to him about this, but clearly not understanding why I have such an issue with this.

 

I am angry that he didn't invite me (though claims the reason was that his furnace isn't working well in trailer and he knew I'd be too cold)...........says I could have come, I just "had to ask" - why the hell should I have to ask to come along? He should have asked me. I know why he didn't ask - because she was going (err, he's taking her) and how could I come too? He swore it was his boss who asked her. I told him "couldn't you have freaking well UNINVITED Her given that we're back together again?" No response. he begged me by email until 10pm, to please come over, that he loved me and knew I loved him and he couldn't believe I'd let this get in the way of our relationship.

 

He clearly has no concept of how screwed up this is. He claims he would have told me she'd been invited.........I don't believe that for a minute.

 

I am repulsed to think she will be sharing a bed with him again. She is a first class wh*re. Let's just say she once picked him up from a work poker party, drunk, and was hitting on his boss..........so much so that he was very embarassed and wouldn't speak to her for a couple of months. But this is who he camps with? This is who he's going to spend another weekend with?

 

I am done with him and I am very hurt that we have to be going through such Jerry Springer crap..........I do love him but I can't tolerate this and the thing is, he doesn't "get" why I'm upset about this. I am a very openminded person and not the jealous type but sleeping with a female friend who's as total wh*re, that goes way beyond the limit for me.

 

I know that when he returns on Sunday he'll mail me compulsively and beg me to talk to him but I am just done. He hurts me so much and never seems to understand how his bad choices, selfishness and actions impact me and us. He just tries to twist it all around and blame me for being one to have 'issues.' Accepts no responsibility for hurting me. Seems sometimes to have no heart or conscience.

 

Am I that out to lunch here for feeling the way I do?

 

Thanks if you made it this far.

[ladyfeelinglost]

I guess I left out a very important detail.

 

In his past 3 yr (live-in) relationship, his fiancee, while 7 months pregnant, left him and moved back to her home town across the country apparently because she thought he was having an affair with this whore. His side of the story was............him and fiancee had a very volatile relationship, fiancee was very paranoid and jealous and never trusted him and once pregnant, became very verbally abusive, very vindictive and the stress of it go so bad that he finally admitted it to his Mom. The whore lived back in their home province and apparently his Mom asked the whore to get down to where he lived and rescue him from such a bad situation....................so she did.....and he went and stayed with her at her place for 3 weeks, leaving his pregnant fiancee to live in their home alone. He apparently had a good ol' time while they were apart, camping trips with the whore and her whore friend (an actual escort) and whore friend's little boy. I guess the fiancee realized that he was not someone she could count on, she couldn't even reach him and felt that that was not the kind of environment to raise a child in. Even though they were broken up at that point, she just couldn't continue to live in a house with the father of her child who was off galivanting around with other women. So she moved away.

 

So this whore was an instrumental part of them breaking up. But it seems he didn't learn anything from it because he's still putting her above his girlfriend.

 

I've often wondered if they've had a 'friends with benefits' kind of friendship............though he's swore up and down that he'd never touch her with a ten foot pole....................but their 'closeness' is bizarre to me, and the way she worships him, mauls him in public, and apparently it's okay to sleep in the same bed. I have a hard time understanding how 2 drunk people could not "do something" when away by themselves, camping..........or am I just not believing him?

[Phoebe]

I think that it's understandable that angry and hurt. You shouldn't let him blame his own behaviour on you. Keep hold of that feeling that you're done with him. You don't need someone like this in your life.

[Phoebe]

So this whore was an instrumental part of them breaking up. But it seems he didn't learn anything from it because he's still putting her above his girlfriend.

 

Don't blame everything on this woman. Your boyfriend has issues.

[ladyfeelinglost]

You're correct; I shouldn't blame the wh*re for everything - afterall, it's him that's been in relationships and allowed this wh*re to get in the way.........it was his poor and selfish choices that included the wh*re that hurt his partners. He just feels sorry for her. Apparently she had a rough childhood, was sexually abused, has issues trusting me (and is also bisexual) and believes he is God's gift to the world and the ONLY man that she could ever trust (she told me this once). She glorifies him, it's creepy. I thinks she uses this all to her advantage.

 

I have to somehow stick to my guns this time, when he comes back on Sunday and is mailing me and begging me to give him another chance ,and telling loads of crap about how he thought about me all weekend, missed me so much it hurt, bla bla bla. I have to somehow stay strong and do my best to even ignore his emails altogether because I know they will be filled with stuff intended to tug at my heartstrings and push my buttons. I have never been with a man who has caused such stress and anxiety in my life. I take my share of the blame for continuing to take him back. I have actually been going for counselling for the past 2 months, trying to learn how to break free from his crap and stay gone for good.

 

Ironically, it was him 3 months ago, in a desperate attempt to get me back, who suggested we go for couples counselling, claiming "because I love you and you're worth it." But when push came to shove, he wouldn't go...but I decided to go myself.

[norajane]

Well, I understand why you're so focused on the 'whore', but really, your ex bf is no prize even without her in the picture. Your rocky 10 months together shouldn't have been so rocky - and that shows no sign of changing.

 

It really isn't this hard in a good relationship.

[Phoebe]

You still sound very angry at this woman, if she has as many issues as you've listed and they do have a FWB thing going on then I'd say that it's him who's using it for his advantage.

 

Considering his history with you and his ex, is this really a man you want to be with? I know it's a lot easier to say you won't take him back this time, then to go through with it. If you're serious about it this time I'd start by blocking his emails. They can't tug on your heartstrings if you don't read them.

[ladyfeelinglost]

Hi Phoebe,

 

I guess I come across as more angry at her than him because I have a very hard time understanding how a fellow-woman could have such disrespect for the boundaries of a couple's relationship. Woman to woman it angers me. I remember times in the past she'd call him up, clearly knowing we were in a serious relationship, and leaving cutesy voicemails for him about how she needed to see him, it had been a while and that they needed some "1 on 1 time together".......or leaving him voicemails telling him to call her, that they'd spend the upcoming Sunday together at his place watching Football all day. She just is pushy and disrespectful. I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing with my male friends who are in relationships, not a chance.

 

She's proudly bragged before that none of his exes ever liked her, in fact, they all "hated her" and she seemed to wear that like a badge of honour. At the time I remember telling her that I did respect their friendship and I wasn't about to get in the way of it, as long as she respected our relationship and I assured her I wasn't the type to be intimidated by a guy who had female friends - I didn't want her to think she could intimidate me. She seemed all phony and sweet to me, was it genuine? I don't know. She thanked me profusely for being so understanding of their friendship and he was mighty impressed, too.

 

He worships her in a way, too, because he sees her (i'm sure) as the person who rescued her from his "mean fiancee"........and he'd tell anything that he owes the world to her for getting him out of that bad situation that was so stressful for him that he was getting stress hives from it.

 

But youre right, he sure ain't no prize.

 

I have always been a very strong woman...well no, I was in an abusive marriage and i had to learn to become strong again............that was over a decade ago. I thought I had learned so much from all that but in many ways this guy has been as abusive (emotional, verbal, mental).......but he's been very subtle.

 

I've allowed my therapist to read some of his emails.........just to get an idea of how he tries to suck me in .............and she said to me "He is a master manipulator, he is very clever." She old told me that based on all the facts I've given her (not opinions) and his emails and how he's treated me, his lack of compassion, his selfishness, his controlling ways, his sense of self-importance, she feels strongly that he has narcissistic personality disorder, or at least anti-social personality disorder (she's a clinical psychologist). She tells me the when you've been with someone with NPD, it can be very difficult to break free and to not be so hard on myself when I get sucked back in. I have made a lot of progress but I'm still working on not letting him tug at my heartstrings. I try so hard but my sense of curiosity re: his emails, it gets me every time. I can't block the emails because of the type of email acct it is.

 

Part of me loves him. I have been through hell with him, literally...........I have given more to him than anyone ever............and I have tried to keep the faith but he just continues to hurt me and disrespect me. I grew up in a home where I had to fight so hard to get the love and acceptance of my parents and she thinks that is the root of why I can't seem to let go. It's something I'm delving more deeply into.

 

Thanks a lot for your responses, I sure appreciate them.