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I think I'm having a melt down


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Posted

Firstly ..

 

Someone else on LS has posted about something called "Limerence". Google it. I did, and it was enlightening. You are in the middle of an addiction. I hear cold turkey works best :/

 

 

Secondly ..

The usual about

(a) don't do it, it will destroy your family, etc.

(b) if you still have to do it, have the decency to split from your hubby and save your kids from this mess, etc.

© etc. ..

 

Not very constructive, but the good advice is already up there for you ..

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

Posted

EY, your story to me sounds like someone who is seeking outside comfort for inside turmoil.

 

Now this may sound crazy but.... when was the last time you exercised hard - breathing fast and profusely sweating? Do me a favor (assuming there is no medical risks for you).. get on your bike today and go ride hard and fast for an hour. Then come back here and post about how your are feeling. I think you will be amazed at what endorphins can do for improving your outlook on life - the grass looks greener, house looks nicer, sky is clearer, and I suspect even your H will seem less boring.

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Posted
I have much empathy for people in painful situations. I have much compassion for those who are hurting. But I dont have compassion or empathyfor those who willingly self inflict the hurt on themselves and even if they know it's wrong they continue in their choice of actions. I am just speaking from a logical standpoint.

 

Thank you CB... I'm sorry I went off on you. I do understand where you are coming from. My problem is I am dealing with a lot of emotions that were overwhelming me and ones that I have not been used to dealing with for a very long time. Turning them off if difficult and I DO think some people are just wired differently emotionally. Especially between men and women. Yes, I need to look at this logically. I also have to deal with the emotional side. Otherwise, I'm just postponing the time when I will have to ultimately deal with my issues. I turned these off for many years. I did not actively "try" to bring them back. It was like they were laying there dormant and then it was just "triggered". I know you are right, but you make it sound like it is the simplest thing in the world. That is why I got angry I think.

Posted

So, who is this other man? And, how often do the two of you meet or talk?

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Posted
EY, your story to me sounds like someone who is seeking outside comfort for inside turmoil.

 

Now this may sound crazy but.... when was the last time you exercised hard - breathing fast and profusely sweating? Do me a favor (assuming there is no medical risks for you).. get on your bike today and go ride hard and fast for an hour. Then come back here and post about how your are feeling. I think you will be amazed at what endorphins can do for improving your outlook on life - the grass looks greener, house looks nicer, sky is clearer, and I suspect even your H will seem less boring.

 

Thanks tommy. I am seeking comfort I guess. Refuge from my own thoughts.

 

NOT crazy at all. You are right about the exercise, but I do really workout on a fairly regular basis. I went jogging yesterday and I did feel so much better. I will again later tonight when my kids are at their religious ed class. Why they have it late on Sunday night I will never know?

 

I have been doing a lot of those things. I coach and play soccer, do the dance dance revolution thing... I was actually starting to feel so content and good about myself just this last Spring. This really did come out of the blue. I was actually beginning to think that I had finally gotten rid of the depression for good.

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Posted
So, who is this other man? And, how often do the two of you meet or talk?

 

OK... I'm just going to give the details. What are the chances that my H or anyone would recognize it as me? To hell with it...lol We met during a community theater show. It was the first time either of us had done something like this. Due to the director not reading my bio and mistakingly assuming that I had done something like this, she cast me as the lead. I should have just declined it... but I didn't speak up. This was an extraordinarily demanding show physically and it really took a toll on me emotionally because I was absolutely terrified. OM really helped me though it. Not that he was really trying to... He just was sort of my anchor and we were both the idiots who never knew what to expect. He is also single... lonely... likes to have someone to do things with.

 

I did get everything under control and really ended up falling in love with acting. I was seriously addicted to going out in front of over 100 people a night and making them laugh. I was also physically attracted to the OM during this time. There was some tension backstage when we would have to wait for entrances... etc...

 

When the run ended... I got really depressed and found myself really missing the OM as well as the acting. I started contacting him via email and encouraged him to audition for another show. We both got into one (the same one) and now we carpool together since it is further away. It is also more convenient to just go from work, so we have dinner or go out after to play pool or have a drink.

 

I did initially try to set him up with some single women I know, but I really don't anymore. We do like being together I think and he did indicate that he would have asked me out if I were single. It was not a line to "reel me in" or anything. It was in the context of that it was hard to find a woman with similar interests.

 

This show will be over in November... but there will be more. We will audition in the same circles. I really don't want to give it up either.

Posted
We both got into one (the same one) and now we carpool together since it is further away. It is also more convenient to just go from work, so we have dinner or go out after to play pool or have a drink.

 

This show will be over in November... but there will be more. We will audition in the same circles. I really don't want to give it up either.

 

This is not your career, you can simply just walk away. Stop going to drink or play pool with him. Stop doing this show. Everyone reading this, including you, know what the real answer is and that's just simply walk away. You've crossed the line already and if you get physical with him, you will destroy your family and your life.

 

Instead of doing the play and go have dinner and play pool with him, why don't you spend the energy to do those things with your husband or at least spend the energy with your kids.

 

You allow yourself and you put yourself in the situation again and again. Seek other hobbies without him in it. If you do act on your emtions, you will fit the description of women that people refer to as "whores" or "sluts".

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Posted
This is not your career, you can simply just walk away. Stop going to drink or play pool with him. Stop doing this show. Everyone reading this, including you, know what the real answer is and that's just simply walk away. You've crossed the line already and if you get physical with him, you will destroy your family and your life.

 

Instead of doing the play and go have dinner and play pool with him, why don't you spend the energy to do those things with your husband or at least spend the energy with your kids.

 

You allow yourself and you put yourself in the situation again and again. Seek other hobbies without him in it. If you do act on your emtions, you will fit the description of women that people refer to as "whores" or "sluts".

 

I will stop the pre/post stuff with him, but I won't quit the show. The kids are the ones who were into theatre and brought me into it. They are included for a LOT of it. I do not run off and do this to neglect my family. It is an important thing to me and the kids. It used to be more important to them than to me. Now it is reversed though

Posted
I will stop the pre/post stuff with him, but I won't quit the show. The kids are the ones who were into theatre and brought me into it. They are included for a LOT of it. I do not run off and do this to neglect my family. It is an important thing to me and the kids. It used to be more important to them than to me. Now it is reversed though

 

Will you stop carpooling with him? Will you stop any non-professional contact/talk with him?

 

Even if your answers are yes, you should still consider quiting. Your kids will get over this "show," but they won't get over their mom cheating on their dad and then wrecking thier home. You're risking alot here.

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Posted
Will you stop carpooling with him? Will you stop any non-professional contact/talk with him?

 

Even if your answers are yes, you should still consider quiting. Your kids will get over this "show," but they won't get over their mom cheating on their dad and then wrecking thier home. You're risking alot here.

 

Pre/post stuff is easy to stop. School just started, my life is way too busy anyway. Carpooling will take some "creative" thought. I can't just quit. Organizations depend on the revenue from shows to keep them alive. I committed to it and have to follow through. It would really mess them up.

 

Please note that most of the time other people ARE involved. In fact, I try to make sure that happens so we are not alone. Especially things that are like "drinking" activities. It just works out that we always seem to gravitate towards each other I guess. Dinner just happens because there is no other time to eat frankly.

 

The other thing is than all my friends are pretty much men. Has been that way since childhood (well... boys then). So it is not as odd as it seems for me to spend time like this with a guy without my husband. He is kind of used to it. That is even how we met... through a mutual guy friend at school. I coach sports, like to drink and am not very "domesticated". My husband fits more of the "wife" role I guess in our relationship. Not many women relate to me and I don't relate to them. I do relate to male friends much better usually. Especially since we moved a few years back, it has been tough since it is harder to make friendships later in life. Actually, through the theatre group, I am finally starting to find other women that I do seem to be clicking with.

 

I really think that I haven't crossed any lines yet which leads me to believe that I CAN bring it back to safe waters with effort on my part. Most of my guilt is stuff in my head rather than actual deeds or actions. This is way more of a big deal to me than I'm sure it is to him. Plus... in this role... we are not as "attached" to each other. The characters are distant which helps. I think last time the stage connection/chemistry carried over.

Posted

From what I gather, you're very focus on "now" and not the future. I'm going to say it one more time, by doing what you're doing, you are taking the risk to lose everything.

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Posted
Welcome to hell. That’s what it feels like, right? I’ve been there. If you check my own other posts here you’ll see where I’ve written my story. I was a lot like you. I lost interest and love for H. I started an EA that turned into a PA. I confessed to my H and had a total breakdown. Vowed to try to make our marriage work and then eventually realized that I just wasn’t happy with my H. It didn’t matter if he was a great guy or a great father, what mattered was that he did not make me happy.

 

I am now divorced, single and happy.

 

It sounds as though you have already realized that the OM is not the reason you are wanting to stray. You are just desperate to feel something ……….. ANYTHING. What do you need to do? Stop talking to the OM and do not proceed into a PA. It will only make it all worse.

 

Tell your H how you feel. It will hurt him but not as much as telling him you have been sleeping with another man. It won’t be fun but it will relieve some of the panic you feel. Coming out into the open and confessing how you feel can be freeing. This act will open the door to the two of you possibly going to counseling, working together to fix what is wrong or just be the first step in ending the marriage.

 

Your not alone. Many people have felt exactly how you feel.

 

I finally found your story. I was looking for a thread of your own. I finally looked in regular posts and saw it. Thank you for sharing it. It is really making me focus on my husbands point of view and it made me realize something earlier today. I DON'T know how he feels about things. I am trying to dig into that a bit.

 

I was talking to him about depression again. I want to prepare him for the fact that i will be seeking out a therapist or something. He hates them, so it will be a bit of a battle. Again, he said it is a state of mind. He told me that therapists can't help you. He said that he of all people KNOWS. I said, "what? you just start thinking happy thoughts?" He said "yes. You are my happy thought. You brought me out of my depression."

 

You see, he had MAJOR issues before we met including a suicide attempt. He had a horrible family life and it is amazing that he is the person he is considering what he has gone through. I ended up just crying. God I felt like ****!

 

He had to go away today for a week. He was listening to the radio and heard a song our girls like on the way there. He took a video of his point of view driving with the song in the background and sent it to all of our cell phones. This really makes me realize that I really don't have a husband who has "checked out". I already knew the kids were his life, but now I'm beginning to see that he really DOES care about me too.

 

I am even beginning to think that he does understand who I really am to a degree. He joked about the fact that when he buys me gifts he has to try to imagine what a teenage boy would want instead of a 35+ year old woman. He does laugh sometimes at how I get so consumed into things with such passion and become so engrossed that i cannot step away. Even though I do my best to conform to everyone's expectations, I do think he knows that I am doing it. I think he really does love me for it.

 

This still doesn't totally get rid of my doubts about why I am with him and if I can be happy, but it gives me some hope I think. I really saw a side of him today that I could truly love. I fear sometimes that it is not romantic love because of my lack of passion, but it is at least a great place to start.

 

I read to my girls tonight. Harry Potter tonight. We've read them all already, but they always like for me to read the words out loud. Everything seems more special if it is spoken I think. My older one gave me an extra big hug and told me how much she loves me. It was like she knew I needed it.

 

After today... I DO know that I really need to keep my eyes open to all that is SO good in my life. Why am I so blind sometimes?

 

The OM is not what I need. He has none of this to offer. I know that in my heart so I'm glad that even in your situation that you recommend that I stop talking to OM. It means more coming from you since you really do know where I am coming from. I see a lot of people who have a specific "line" they feed everyone and it seems the same no matter what. Do what is morally right.... you must no matter what or you are scum... I think you really do know how I feel I think.

 

Thank you for advising me to keep my choices open. I don't think I will open up to my H yet. I will seek IC first to talk things out. I really don't want to hurt my H. He really has been through a lot in his life and I don't want to make him unhappy.

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Posted
Do you feel he could love the real you?

 

Even boring guys want to be fun... you just need to find the way to open him up!

 

Today is the first day that I am beginning to believe that yes... he really does see the real me and does love me. It has been a while. God... he was good today... lol.

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Posted
...is indeed a powerful thing. I should have recognized this in your posts (yes, we have that in common as well, EY).

 

I'm so sorry you had such a traumatic experience when you were young. I'm also sorry you have been beating yourself up ever since.

 

Are you currently seeing a counselor? I don't remember if we have discussed that or not. If you are not, I think it really would help. He/she will give you some good insight, coping skills, and little weekly "assignments" that will help open the lines of communication with your H. (I really wish I had kept going, and may look into going back)

 

I think it would be best to really explore your H's thoughts and where he stands in all of this. We aren't as hard to figure out as we think we are, and I am sure he has noticed your unhappiness (you already mentioned the kids noticing something, so it's not going to be that hard for him to figure out). Do you think there is a possibility that you are hoping he finds out about the OM and forces your hand? I know that I felt that way a little bit, but at the same time, I knew that if it went down that way, my kids would grow up knowing that Mom betrayed Dad...and I could take the disdain and judgment from anyone except my kids.

 

So....if we are formulating a plan of action, my suggestion for the first step would be to find a good counselor....tell him/her everything, and take it from there.

 

And of course, stay on these boards. You and I will get PM privileges one of these days!!! :)

 

((((((BIG HUG)))))))

 

Oookla

 

How is school going ook? This post is just in honor of future PM privileges. One more post towards whatever I have to do to finally talk to you!! lol

 

((((((BIG HUG))))))) back atcha!! No one in the house except for sleeping children!! I can POST! lol. I just smoked a lovely cigar and drank a glass of wine and wow did it do wonders for me. I really needed to relax!

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Posted
Hi EY. My marriage is similar to yours in some ways. If you're interested, look back at some of my sex/relationship threads to see what I mean.

 

I just had a big discussion with my H tonight about some of our ongoing issues. We are deadlocked on several of them. With others, we have a bit of wiggle room to work with.

 

We have serious disagreements about birth control and religion. I also don't feel much physical desire for him, and that problem has been present since before we were married. I don't really have any answers, but I am coming out of an extended depression right now, so I at least feel like I'm gaining perspective.

 

On the one hand, I have invested so much it would seem wasteful to call it quits. And I also have two kids who are well adjusted. Plus, my H has more good qualities than I have time to name.

 

On the other hand, on bad days I feel like I'm destined for a life void of romance (he feels romantic towards me, but I don't towards him) and lacking in sexual satisfaction. The somewhat unbalanced dynamic between us and the simple lack of physical chemistry will be hard to change much. I guess at this point I'm hoping to raise it from a D- to a B- and that maybe I'll be able to live with that...

 

OK storyrider. Finally I get back to your post. From just this post... you do sound the most like me. You and ookla really seem to be in the most similar situation AND in similar stages. I think I am a bit buzzed and cannot find your sex/relationship threads. I really have to go to bed right now. I did marathon cooking today since hubby will be gone all week. I really have to be prepared if he will be away. It gets overwhelming if I'm not on top of things. Now I'm just exhausted!! (but prepared)

 

I also see that you write!! I do too... to a degree. I'd love to read some stuff.

 

AND... I am NOW an established member..... whooo hoooo!!!! lol

 

OK... a slightly drunk EmotionallyYours signs off for the evening. I really have to eat more if I'm going to drink wine. Two glasses and I'm just gone. Sheesh.

Posted

EY, you might need to turn on your PM function, as I can't see that option in your public profile.

 

Here are links to semi-relevant threads of mine, but some are long and convoluted. Please don't consider them required reading. Once you can PM, I'll explain it more succinctly.

 

Am I emotionally aloof?: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t122816/

 

Cosmic Rift over Kids' Allowance: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125386/

 

This is It? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127599/

Posted

I really have to post more if I am ever going to be able to PM...

 

EY, I know I don't have to tell you this, because you've been through it before, but just remember that going NC with your EA is going to be really tough. It's so nice to have that attention, and when it is gone, there is a huge void. I still feel it. I never felt so attractive, funny, smart, sexy, etc. as when I was talking to/flirting with the OM. Once it stopped completely, I felt the complete opposite. I feel old, fat, ugly...invisible, really. I know in my heart that it wasn't HIM, it was the feeling I got from the attention from him, but it felt indescribable - for awhile. And what I don't understand is that attention from my H just doesn't do the same thing for me. And I don't know why. But I have been trying for the past year to get things back on track and some days are good and some days are not. You're going to have a lot of those. In my most overly dramatic of times (and I'm not usually a drama queen), I literally wanted to die. I felt that life without that kind of "happiness" was just not worth living. How ridiculous is that?

 

All I can hope for myself is that feeling that way will scare me enough to never, ever, EVER let something like that happen again. I worry because of my self-esteem issues, that if anyone was to show any kind of interest in me, I could get caught up in something like that again, so I have to really watch my behavior and my interactions with others.

 

I know you can do it.... You can end things with this OM, and then take some time to really look at yourself and your marriage and find what makes you happy. Someday we will all figure that out, right? Right? (please tell me I'm right... ;))

 

I hope you have a better day today. Maybe this time and distance with your H will help you see things a little more clearly.

 

And remember...no judgments here. I so get where you are coming from, and truly feel your pain. There's nothing like it. We have to help each other through it. Try not to let the harsh posts get you down. You have friends here.

 

(PS - School is going okay, thanks for asking. I'm trying not to overload myself - I did that at first and already had to drop a class - so it's going to be at least three more semesters after this one before I even have an Associate's Degree. *sigh*....why did I ever quit in the first place, when I was young and still had no other responsibilities, and had Daddy paying for it????)

Posted
Today is the first day that I am beginning to believe that yes... he really does see the real me and does love me. It has been a while. God... he was good today... lol.

 

Hmmm.... after reading some of your follow ups your family situation does remind me of my childhood. Thats not really a happy thing for me. :(

 

A few items of note. How much of your emotional instability do you share with your Husband?

 

Also, I would consider it very inappropriate for my wife to be spending a large amount of time with a single man. Is your H involved enough to know the who, what, and when of your theater group? If he does, then I think he has placed alot of trust in you, and that is a good thing... and a bad. Unless your truely wonderful actress, he should be able to tell something is wrong.

 

Passion... This part is hard. I get the feeling that you dont think you have ever been that passionate about your H. I think this is something that is different for each person. What builds passion for you? Is there anything within your Husband that has ever generated a deep passion for you?

 

Seriously, I think your only going to be able to go so far in fixing your marriage alone. If you just bounce from one emotional affair to another... thats no way to live. You have a hole in your heart, and your husband needs to make the change to help you fill that.

Posted
And what I don't understand is that attention from my H just doesn't do the same thing for me. And I don't know why. But I have been trying for the past year to get things back on track and some days are good and some days are not. You're going to have a lot of those. In my most overly dramatic of times (and I'm not usually a drama queen), I literally wanted to die. I felt that life without that kind of "happiness" was just not worth living. How ridiculous is that?

 

Here is the underlying problem. This is about baggage. See you have a mental ledger for your H (we all do this to some extent). Every good thing is balanced against a bad. It forces you to pull away emotionally so that when the good comes it doesnt feel as believable. Its a protective shield that you use against the bad stuff...

 

I think both you and EY have this to a certain degree.

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Posted
Hmmm.... after reading some of your follow ups your family situation does remind me of my childhood. Thats not really a happy thing for me. :(

 

Did you ever tell your whole story here? I am curious to know what hurt you so bad. If memory serves me correct, you indicated that you're mom mentally checked out and then just announced one day it was over? You seem to really be holding on and I'd like to know more. I want to make sure I DON'T do this to my children. I would be devastated if they were forever resentful to me.

 

A few items of note. How much of your emotional instability do you share with your Husband?

 

Some... but only when it is very bad and I only share a fraction of it.

 

 

Also, I would consider it very inappropriate for my wife to be spending a large amount of time with a single man. Is your H involved enough to know the who, what, and when of your theater group? If he does, then I think he has placed alot of trust in you, and that is a good thing... and a bad. Unless your truely wonderful actress, he should be able to tell something is wrong.

He knows all the players involved and the schedules. He usually doesn't get uncomfortable with me and other men, but he is starting to on this one so I must be acting a little weird. He was weird about this one, however, even before there was anything there at all. OM "played" my BF and H was obsessed about whether or not there would be kissing in the play until I finally got a copy of the script. He was relieved there was not. He expressed concern once since the new play started (I dismissed it of course) and has been treating me super nice ever since. He has really stopped being "miserable" and going off on things.

 

Passion... This part is hard. I get the feeling that you dont think you have ever been that passionate about your H. I think this is something that is different for each person. What builds passion for you? Is there anything within your Husband that has ever generated a deep passion for you?
I know that everyone will say I am rewriting history... but this is the truth. The "burning" passion part that I love so much and what I crave now was never there :(. It is hard because he does not get passionate about anything unless it is angry passionate.

 

He is so passive on things. I like to "savor" things and get the absolute most out of everything. I am maybe too passionate about just about everything. I will treat eating like sex if it is truly exceptional...lol. Part of the addictive/obsessive behavior I tend towards I'm sure.

 

That is one thing that OM is filling. I don't think that he even has passion for me specifically... at least not physically. His passion is just for life in general and I think he may feel that he is starting to lose this. He knows how to enjoy things when he is with me and relates when I feel that way too. I feel like my husband has no point of reference when I feel strongly about things and looks down on me for feeling this way. He views me as indulgent and selfish. Well... I am... sheesh. I just don't want him to look down on me for it...lol... or at least understand it.

 

Seriously, I think your only going to be able to go so far in fixing your marriage alone. If you just bounce from one emotional affair to another... thats no way to live. You have a hole in your heart, and your husband needs to make the change to help you fill that.
Agreed.

 

Also, you ARE right about the mental ledger. I find myself sometimes trying to NOT laugh at a joke, because I don't WANT him to appeal to me. I am in the middle of justifying leaving you damn it. DON'T try to be charming now!! This weekend I tried to enjoy his company instead of resisting it. It did really help.

 

Wait! Here is another self-observation. What made me passionate about him? The fact that he was so lonely and seemed broken. I hated to see him hurt and that brought out my passion for him. So every time I get close to going PA from EA, I imagine him hurt and that brings out my passionate "good" feelings for him and it stops me.

 

God that is F****ed up!! My passion fixes him. In getting "fixed", I lose all passion for him.

 

I really do need IC.

Posted

EY, Ok first thing is first.

 

I note that you are very much like me in that you respond to need! See you need to be needed. It drives your passion. I admit that I am the same way! So far its been a pretty destructive force in my life... because it pushes me towards the women that have issues, because they need me. I think for you this may be a positive, your Husband needs to spend some time showing you exactly how much he needs you in his life, and how much he appreciates you. I think these two go together in some way for me, it may be similar for you.

Posted

Some... but only when it is very bad and I only share a fraction of it.

 

He knows all the players involved and the schedules. He usually doesn't get uncomfortable with me and other men, but he is starting to on this one so I must be acting a little weird. He was weird about this one, however, even before there was anything there at all. OM "played" my BF and H was obsessed about whether or not there would be kissing in the play until I finally got a copy of the script. He was relieved there was not. He expressed concern once since the new play started (I dismissed it of course) and has been treating me super nice ever since. He has really stopped being "miserable" and going off on things.

 

 

Ok, now your Husbands attitude towards your emotions is a huge stumbling block here. See he needs to be your rock, your anchor. He feels that when you share feelings with him that you want him to fix the problem. What he really needs to do is just listen and understand. That would cause you to open up to him more.

 

Well, the good news is that he is not disconnected from you! In fact I think your husband cares alot. He just is unable to express himself properly in this regard. Any ideas why?

 

Also, I think jealousy may cause him to pull back emotionally and put up a fake front... thats not good.

Posted

I know that everyone will say I am rewriting history... but this is the truth. The "burning" passion part that I love so much and what I crave now was never there :(. It is hard because he does not get passionate about anything unless it is angry passionate.

 

He is so passive on things. I like to "savor" things and get the absolute most out of everything. I am maybe too passionate about just about everything. I will treat eating like sex if it is truly exceptional...lol. Part of the addictive/obsessive behavior I tend towards I'm sure.

 

That is one thing that OM is filling. I don't think that he even has passion for me specifically... at least not physically. His passion is just for life in general and I think he may feel that he is starting to lose this. He knows how to enjoy things when he is with me and relates when I feel that way too. I feel like my husband has no point of reference when I feel strongly about things and looks down on me for feeling this way. He views me as indulgent and selfish. Well... I am... sheesh. I just don't want him to look down on me for it...lol... or at least understand it.

 

Agreed.

 

Also, you ARE right about the mental ledger. I find myself sometimes trying to NOT laugh at a joke, because I don't WANT him to appeal to me. I am in the middle of justifying leaving you damn it. DON'T try to be charming now!! This weekend I tried to enjoy his company instead of resisting it. It did really help.

 

Passion... it's really just an indicator of other factors in your marriage. In a normal marriage it comes and goes in varying degrees... however your tank is on empty!

 

To fix this your going to have to really open up to one another, but that ledger wont go away on its own... and you can be absolute sure he has one going also! His lack of zest for life is going to stem from his past. You mentioned he had a rough childhood. Sometimes that makes a man pull back and become dispassionate. My dad was like this. His dad would spank him with a logging chain... and would keep going until he stopped crying! He once told me that for years he just felt numb, withdrawn. Also he had this crushing feeling that he had to be perfect... ect.

 

The more you think about leaving... the closer it comes to reality, but honestly if that is what it takes to make your life happy, then so be it. Your Husband should be able to appreciate that love sometimes means making the right choice for you... not the right choice for him.

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I've never posted the full story behind my families absolute implosion. I had a really happy childhood, it wasnt until I turned 12 or 13 things started to go south. I suppose it affects me so strongly because it destroyed the relationship with my mother completely.

 

To make it short. My mother had an on and off affiar with her boss for 2 years. When my dad found out he left pretty much that day, I was 16, my sister 14. When Dad left her new guy moved in. I lived with them for about 6 months of total hell, then moved in with dad. Sounds really simple... but it wasnt.

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Here is the underlying problem. This is about baggage. See you have a mental ledger for your H (we all do this to some extent). Every good thing is balanced against a bad. It forces you to pull away emotionally so that when the good comes it doesnt feel as believable. Its a protective shield that you use against the bad stuff...

 

I think both you and EY have this to a certain degree.

 

 

I'm sure this is the case....over the years I have had many resentments build up against my H. Now that he has done this about-face and become the husband I wanted him to be back then, I just have a hard time accepting it. I am working on it....believe me, I am working on it.

 

EY - didn't mean to hijack. How are you today?

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