I think I'm having a melt down

[silktricks]

The OM did not cause the problems in the M in my case. He came into being (I allowed it) because of pre-existing conditions in my M. Do you think that applies to your situation, also?

 

I really believe that this is at least almost always the case. My H never would have had an affair if our marriage didn't have problems. Most OW (on the OW forum) say that their relationships with MM shows the marriage is in trouble. I believe that is the truth. The affair may prevent the marriage from improving, but in most cases it (the affair) is not the cause of the marital problems, but rather the marital problems are the cause of the affair.

 

EY, it sounds like you really don't want to cheat on your husband even though you are head over heels over this OM. Why don't you try both some marriage counseling and some individual counseling. I (personally) am not a fan of divorce. Sometimes a marriage that is in trouble can be saved by counseling, and sometimes counseling can crystalize the fact that a marriage is not salvageable. Either way, you win, simply because you are no longer in the untenable position you find yourself in now.

 

Best of luck to you.

[EmotionallyYours]

There is more to it about the beginning of our relationship that I've never talked to anyone about actually. I will post about it later if I can. I need to think about it at length I think and can't right now.

 

I have read and re-read and I am having great difficulty broaching a subject that I feel that I really need to talk about. It goes back to why I say I never felt passion for my husband and Cobra asking if I think my husband can really love the real me.

 

It makes me very uncomfortable and emotional and in a way I want to say that it really doesn't matter in the context of this discussion. My mind says that "It does not matter how/why you got together with your H... you made the commitment and you must stick to it". The other side of me says that it has everything to do with it and I have to get it off my chest.

 

Let's go back to 20 years ago... the teenage years. I was always a bit wild, but seemed to always get away with everything (drinking, sneaking out w/boys, the usual), without ever getting caught and maintaining a very good reputation. I was the perfect nice, smart, girl. My biggest weakness were the guys. I always had one in my life and I love the "bad ones" or ones I knew I should stay away from. I always did their homework when they needed it in HS and then in college, I would date older guys in bands or wilder fraternity men or my TAs. I also wasn't doing well in school because of too much partying.

 

I was more promiscuous than was acceptable according to my upbringing and I started to go back to church again feeling guilty about my behavior and vowing to settle down and avoid ALL men for a little while. Just concentrate on my studies. That's when my H came into my life.

 

He was so nice, unbelievably smart and sweet and helped me with harder classes, but I wasn't attracted to him. I was more intrigued by him. He seemed lonely I guess and just wanted to get to know him because I was curious. I accepted though when he asked me out. When things started to progress to physical, I still really wasn't attracted to him but I wanted to make him happy for being such a great person to me. God, I was so warped back then. Later I did eventually develop a physical attraction, but it was based on our emotional relationship and it wasn't a "natural" thing like I would usually feel for a guy.

 

Then the unthinkable happened. It turned out that I got pregnant the very first time we were together. I was absolutely panicked and did not know what to do. I had a mostly unblemished "good girl" reputation to everyone who "counted" in my life. Everyone would know that I must have slept with him almost immediately for this to happen to soon. I couldn't drop out of college. In my heart I knew that abortion was wrong for me. My H (BF at the time) said that he would support whatever I wanted. My deep shame that family would think less of me and panic and advice from a couple of friends did lead me to the abortion. I feel guilty about that decision to this day. I don't think about every day anymore, but I do probably at least once a week.

 

After spending a long time getting over the decision I made, I vowed I would do everything I could to do things right and make up for the horrific thing I did. I went from liberal beliefs to becoming a complete conservative. My H did the same. The only thing that we did do that was NOT socially conservative is that we moved in together without being married. My parents turned a blind eye to it since they were just so happy that I finally had a guy who was such a great influence in my life. He was perfect for me and would make sure I stayed "settled down". That cemented me staying with him for good I guess. I may have realized that we really didn't have a lot in common in the long run if we didn't have such a traumatic thing bring us together. But it seemed to keep us together.

 

I got perfect grades from then on out, graduated and got a good job, I went to church, I married my H and had an almost unnatural urge to have children right away. It's like I was trying to replace the first one and then one up it by having another one right away. Again, I know this is warped.

 

I think I resent him for being so weak way back then and not insisting that we at least consider having the baby. Since the only discussion was that we would do whatever "I" wanted, the decision was truly all mine. I feel that I've taken the responsibility completely and he had none of it. Plus, I feel like such a hypocrite in that I now take the stance that abortion is wrong, but yet I did it when I was a teenager. I got to finish my education and now have the luxury of having a financially OK life and have time to have an opinion because I didn't have that baby. The main thing is that I stayed with him out of guilt and to "repent" for the sin I committed. We catholics are so good at guilt.

 

I brought this up once in all the years and he just couldn't talk about it. I couldn't bring it up the one time we went to MC, because I have so much shame about how I acted and went against my own beliefs to make my life easier. I guess I can do it now because no one is actually looking me in the eye.

[Reckless]

We all of us have things that are 'broken' in us, issues; some can be ignored - some cannot.

 

The major thing I see in people is believing that we can tuck our issues away forever, ignore when they resurge in our marriages or lives and do so indefinitely. Sooner or later resentments, pain, unsolved issues unhealed scars come up on us and if when they do, if we dont DEAL, we look to some other 'drug' some other release so we can continue to ignore the pain.

 

Some turn to drink, others drugs, others become workaholics, beat their wives, become bulimic... doesn't much matter its just what we do not to have to deal. Some take a lover because they never got over being adreneline junkies...

 

In your case it seem as if your husband has become the focus of the guilt and resentment you felt about having an abortion. Although your marriage may well have started without the passion you associated as a girl with "passion" it seems to me you have a rather distorted view of what you really need from a partner.

 

If you have lived a life not being true to who you really are then you have bigger problems than a potential lover.

 

Remove the element of escape (your drug of choice) and look at what you really need to do to develop internal and external harmony. Not communicating real feeings and desires seems to be a central theme in your life. You wanted to please those around you and created a rift between what you wanted to do and what you did. This disharmoney with self has lead to the disjointed existence.

 

Now here you are, at breaking point because you want to continue to lead a kind of double life - pretend again (the pattern continues) while desiring something else. The teenage girl still hasn't learnt to "come up to bat" and be her own woman. She still isn't brave enough to stand up, say what she wants and face the consequences.

 

There are your issues. That's why we have theorapy - its NOT being a good or a bad person, its not growing up, its facing our fears, the bits that are broken in us. Its living as best we can HONESTLY and getting the help we need to if we are afraid.

 

The first step is recognising what the real issues are.

[Meaplus3]

I'm finally starting my own thread. Wow... didn't think I'd get up the nerve. I think it is because I am having a complete nervous and emotional breakdown!!!!

 

I am in the middle of an EA that has not gone beyond the point of no return. Not from lack of trying on my part lately though. Just good luck and me chickening out at the last minute has kept it this way. The problem is that I WANT it to go down the PA path so badly that my whole body aches. I want it without the consequences though. Yeah... I know... I know... grow up you stupid selfish woman. Right now I'm plotting how to see him this weekend when I have plenty of stuff I have to do with my FAMILY!! Yeah, remember them EY? The guy and two short versions of yourself that you are supposed to be putting before your own needs?

 

My husband is a far better husband than I am wife without a doubt. So much better than the OM!! But the OM is so much more fun and appealing. Yes I will say the same old cliche you hear here a million times. We have so much more in common... he knows the true me... I can be myself around him.... blah blah blah.... You will say that I only see his good points... I ignore all the bad stuff because of the "love" chemicals.... I SEE his bad points and guess what? I STILL don't CARE!!!

 

I think I just want anyone who is NOT my husband and I am such a bad person for thinking this when he is the envy of all the other wives!!! MY HUSBAND IS SO freaking PERFECT that I can't STAND HIM!! I want someone who is NOT PERFECT!! Someone like me with bad habits, who doesn't go to church every Sunday and who is selfish and thinks its OK to pursue having FUN!!

 

I KNOW all the rational reasons for just stopping it etc... I need to be strong and work at my marriage....etc... it will devastate my husband...etc... I will never be the same person again... I will be a cheater... I'M ALREADY A CHEATER IN MY HEART THOUGH!! So what is the difference if I just go all the way anyway?

 

I DON'T want to be married anymore. More cliches... I don't love him anymore, we don't have anything in common, I have no passion for my husband anymore (NEVER DID!!!!).... etc... etc... etc... Yes... I know that I have to work at it. Build it back up....AGHHHHGHHH!!! I already did this once before and I DON'T want to do it again. I'm just too tired....

 

Why don't I just get up the courage to LEAVE???!!!???!!! Even if it is a BAD choice at least it IS a choice....

 

.... because I don't want to mess up my kids who are just so well adjusted and love both parents so much . EVEN THEY ARE PERFECT!!! I can't stand being this way. I am leading a double life in my head that is draining me of EVERYTHING... time... energy... empathy... love... joy... sense of humor... ambition... goals... success...

 

I am so selfish and short-sighted and I HATE myself for my behavior! Why does it always have to be about ME. So what do I do? I write it all down on the INTERNET for everyone to see. LOOK AT ME!! I am so pathetic!

 

I NEED TO YELL AND SCREAM AND CRY AND BE BY MYSELF!! I need to be myself. I don't want to be Mom, wife, daughter, aunt, sister, subordinate, coach, friend, lover ..... just ME. I don't even know if I like myself anymore.

 

I am the QUEEN of SELF-DECEPTION!!! I am someone different every day!!!!! I make up new lies to myself and have become the master of self-manipulation. Who am I truly? I don't even know who I WANT to be anymore? I am split in 2!

 

There is no light at the end of the tunnel and I will just have to keep up this god damned "ACT" for the rest of my life! Figure out what everyone wants and just BECOME it. How long can I continue though? I can't even WORK today? I am becoming absolutely OBSESSIVE!!

 

Will hitting the "Submit" button make me feel better? I really don't know. Since I can't freak out in the middle of my office at work though.... why is this so hard to do when nobody even knows who I am on this site? why do I want people to know and care?

 

How did I lose my maturity and good sense? Can anyone relate / help / understand / knock some sense in to me? I've tried writing down the details of my situation and I've come to the conclusion that they really don't even matter. I know right from wrong. I'm just trying to continually justify wrong because it's just what I want. That does make me crazy doesn't it? Or does it just mean I'm a bad person?

 

 

Emotionally Your's, "I'M ALREADY A CHEATER IN MY HEART THOUGH!! So what is the difference if I just go all the way anyway?" There's a big difference! I was stuck in this line of thinking for a very long time until one day I realized how much worse off I would be had xmm and myself taken our ea to a pa. Yes you are having an "Affair of the heart" and it's very real and confusing! You are NOT a bad person for feeling this way, you are human!

 

It sound's to me like your marriage is less that desirable to you at this point. Have you tried to work on thing's with your H? Do you think the marriage is worth saving! If you want to to get a good look at what Pain and suffering can come from an ea, than read back through my post's and save yourself from a living H***!

 

AP:)

[EmotionallyYours]

We all of us have things that are 'broken' in us, issues; some can be ignored - some cannot.

 

The major thing I see in people is believing that we can tuck our issues away forever, ignore when they resurge in our marriages or lives and do so indefinitely. Sooner or later resentments, pain, unsolved issues unhealed scars come up on us and if when they do, if we dont DEAL, we look to some other 'drug' some other release so we can continue to ignore the pain.

 

Some turn to drink, others drugs, others become workaholics, beat their wives, become bulimic... doesn't much matter its just what we do not to have to deal. Some take a lover because they never got over being adreneline junkies...

 

In your case it seem as if your husband has become the focus of the guilt and resentment you felt about having an abortion. Although your marriage may well have started without the passion you associated as a girl with "passion" it seems to me you have a rather distorted view of what you really need from a partner.

 

If you have lived a life not being true to who you really are then you have bigger problems than a potential lover.

 

Remove the element of escape (your drug of choice) and look at what you really need to do to develop internal and external harmony. Not communicating real feeings and desires seems to be a central theme in your life. You wanted to please those around you and created a rift between what you wanted to do and what you did. This disharmoney with self has lead to the disjointed existence.

 

Now here you are, at breaking point because you want to continue to lead a kind of double life - pretend again (the pattern continues) while desiring something else. The teenage girl still hasn't learnt to "come up to bat" and be her own woman. She still isn't brave enough to stand up, say what she wants and face the consequences.

 

There are your issues. That's why we have theorapy - its NOT being a good or a bad person, its not growing up, its facing our fears, the bits that are broken in us. Its living as best we can HONESTLY and getting the help we need to if we are afraid.

 

The first step is recognising what the real issues are.

 

Yes, you are right. This EA thing is really just the tip of the ice burg. This is why I've been depressed on and off ever since I was a teenager. The more I started writing down the details of my thoughts of infidelity (and not posting usually), the more I realized that they really don't matter. I am unhappy and you are right. I do have a distorted view of what I need. I have been "escaping" my whole life and have so many drugs that I bounce back and forth between it's almost laughable. Drinking, immersing myself in books, movies, other entertainment, online gaming, exercise. Whatever I do, it becomes an obsession instead of a healthy hobby. I am so good at finding things to occupy my time so I don't think.

 

I do have to get help. This is not even going into how much baggage H brings to the marriage with his horrible childhood. I guess I have to work on me first. It will be hard to convince H that I should have therapy. He is very much against it. I think he and his family members had some bad ones and he is now scared to death that going to see someone will just make things way worse.

[ookla_2]

...is indeed a powerful thing. I should have recognized this in your posts (yes, we have that in common as well, EY).

 

I'm so sorry you had such a traumatic experience when you were young. I'm also sorry you have been beating yourself up ever since.

 

Are you currently seeing a counselor? I don't remember if we have discussed that or not. If you are not, I think it really would help. He/she will give you some good insight, coping skills, and little weekly "assignments" that will help open the lines of communication with your H. (I really wish I had kept going, and may look into going back)

 

I think it would be best to really explore your H's thoughts and where he stands in all of this. We aren't as hard to figure out as we think we are, and I am sure he has noticed your unhappiness (you already mentioned the kids noticing something, so it's not going to be that hard for him to figure out). Do you think there is a possibility that you are hoping he finds out about the OM and forces your hand? I know that I felt that way a little bit, but at the same time, I knew that if it went down that way, my kids would grow up knowing that Mom betrayed Dad...and I could take the disdain and judgment from anyone except my kids.

 

So....if we are formulating a plan of action, my suggestion for the first step would be to find a good counselor....tell him/her everything, and take it from there.

 

And of course, stay on these boards. You and I will get PM privileges one of these days!!!

 

((((((BIG HUG)))))))

 

Oookla

[ookla_2]

We posted at the same time, so obviously the therapy angle has been discussed.

 

I know what you mean about your H being against counseling...mine is too!!! (isn't this weird, how similar our stories are?) I wish I could give you great advice on how to convince him that it's a good thing for you, but since I haven't figured out how to do that for myself, I am useless to you.

[MrsHellnoFire]

So your hubby is moreso like a stepford husband/robot. He's perfect in every way but you both lack that fire and emotional and sexual bond that you might have never had.May I ask why you married him in the first place? Was it BECAUSE you knew he'd be a great father and friend and you dismissed the lack of passion?Also, where did you meet the OM?

[MrsHellnoFire]

I have read and re-read and I am having great difficulty broaching a subject that I feel that I really need to talk about. It goes back to why I say I never felt passion for my husband and Cobra asking if I think my husband can really love the real me.

 

It makes me very uncomfortable and emotional and in a way I want to say that it really doesn't matter in the context of this discussion. My mind says that "It does not matter how/why you got together with your H... you made the commitment and you must stick to it". The other side of me says that it has everything to do with it and I have to get it off my chest.

 

Let's go back to 20 years ago... the teenage years. I was always a bit wild, but seemed to always get away with everything (drinking, sneaking out w/boys, the usual), without ever getting caught and maintaining a very good reputation. I was the perfect nice, smart, girl. My biggest weakness were the guys. I always had one in my life and I love the "bad ones" or ones I knew I should stay away from. I always did their homework when they needed it in HS and then in college, I would date older guys in bands or wilder fraternity men or my TAs. I also wasn't doing well in school because of too much partying.

 

I was more promiscuous than was acceptable according to my upbringing and I started to go back to church again feeling guilty about my behavior and vowing to settle down and avoid ALL men for a little while. Just concentrate on my studies. That's when my H came into my life.

 

He was so nice, unbelievably smart and sweet and helped me with harder classes, but I wasn't attracted to him. I was more intrigued by him. He seemed lonely I guess and just wanted to get to know him because I was curious. I accepted though when he asked me out. When things started to progress to physical, I still really wasn't attracted to him but I wanted to make him happy for being such a great person to me. God, I was so warped back then. Later I did eventually develop a physical attraction, but it was based on our emotional relationship and it wasn't a "natural" thing like I would usually feel for a guy.

 

Then the unthinkable happened. It turned out that I got pregnant the very first time we were together. I was absolutely panicked and did not know what to do. I had a mostly unblemished "good girl" reputation to everyone who "counted" in my life. Everyone would know that I must have slept with him almost immediately for this to happen to soon. I couldn't drop out of college. In my heart I knew that abortion was wrong for me. My H (BF at the time) said that he would support whatever I wanted. My deep shame that family would think less of me and panic and advice from a couple of friends did lead me to the abortion. I feel guilty about that decision to this day. I don't think about every day anymore, but I do probably at least once a week.

 

After spending a long time getting over the decision I made, I vowed I would do everything I could to do things right and make up for the horrific thing I did. I went from liberal beliefs to becoming a complete conservative. My H did the same. The only thing that we did do that was NOT socially conservative is that we moved in together without being married. My parents turned a blind eye to it since they were just so happy that I finally had a guy who was such a great influence in my life. He was perfect for me and would make sure I stayed "settled down". That cemented me staying with him for good I guess. I may have realized that we really didn't have a lot in common in the long run if we didn't have such a traumatic thing bring us together. But it seemed to keep us together.

 

I got perfect grades from then on out, graduated and got a good job, I went to church, I married my H and had an almost unnatural urge to have children right away. It's like I was trying to replace the first one and then one up it by having another one right away. Again, I know this is warped.

 

I think I resent him for being so weak way back then and not insisting that we at least consider having the baby. Since the only discussion was that we would do whatever "I" wanted, the decision was truly all mine. I feel that I've taken the responsibility completely and he had none of it. Plus, I feel like such a hypocrite in that I now take the stance that abortion is wrong, but yet I did it when I was a teenager. I got to finish my education and now have the luxury of having a financially OK life and have time to have an opinion because I didn't have that baby. The main thing is that I stayed with him out of guilt and to "repent" for the sin I committed. We catholics are so good at guilt.

 

I brought this up once in all the years and he just couldn't talk about it. I couldn't bring it up the one time we went to MC, because I have so much shame about how I acted and went against my own beliefs to make my life easier. I guess I can do it now because no one is actually looking me in the eye.

 

Wow. What is really interesting that for the majority of your life, you have lived a complete lie. When you were a teen and in college, you yourself admit to having to put on a facade to look like the "good girl" and it seems you are still doing it. Why are you so afraid of someone placing a negative opinion on you? You know that nobody is perfect and you can't expect everyone to like you. It seems to be such a strong weakness, that it caused you to abort even because you were afraid what everyone else would think.I'm so sorry that all of this happened to you and I too agree you need a much needed vacation and need to devote time to FINDING YOURSELF because I don't think you ever have. You were too consumed with being SOMEONE ELSE than truly finding who you are and what you want out of life. It IS ok if someone doesn't like you or disagrees or is not fond of your lifestyle or views. I just hope you learn to accept yourself one day for everything that you are, imperfections and all.

[Meaplus3]

Yes, you are right. This EA thing is really just the tip of the ice burg. This is why I've been depressed on and off ever since I was a teenager. The more I started writing down the details of my thoughts of infidelity (and not posting usually), the more I realized that they really don't matter. I am unhappy and you are right. I do have a distorted view of what I need. I have been "escaping" my whole life and have so many drugs that I bounce back and forth between it's almost laughable. Drinking, immersing myself in books, movies, other entertainment, online gaming, exercise. Whatever I do, it becomes an obsession instead of a healthy hobby. I am so good at finding things to occupy my time so I don't think.

 

I do have to get help. This is not even going into how much baggage H brings to the marriage with his horrible childhood. I guess I have to work on me first. It will be hard to convince H that I should have therapy. He is very much against it. I think he and his family members had some bad ones and he is now scared to death that going to see someone will just make things way worse.

 

 

EY,

 

"I have been "escaping" my whole life and have so many drugs that I bounce back and forth between it's almost laughable. Drinking, immersing myself in books, movies, other entertainment, online gaming, exercise. Whatever I do, it becomes an obsession instead of a healthy hobby. I am so good at finding things to occupy my time so I don't think."

 

"I guess I have to work on me first."

 

WOW can I relate to YOU in your above statement! YES, Oh YES the Answer is you do NEED to work on You First, that's the first step back to regaining your "emotional Health"! Have your tried Therapy? Self help book's?

 

AP:)

[EmotionallyYours]

So your hubby is moreso like a stepford husband/robot. He's perfect in every way but you both lack that fire and emotional and sexual bond that you might have never had.May I ask why you married him in the first place? Was it BECAUSE you knew he'd be a great father and friend and you dismissed the lack of passion?Also, where did you meet the OM?

Yes to all. Well, he is more perfect than any other husband I've ever seen in "real life". We met in college (same majors).

[EmotionallyYours]

EY,

 

WOW can I relate to YOU in your above statement! YES, Oh YES the Answer is you do NEED to work on You First, that's the first step back to regaining your "emotional Health"! Have your tried Therapy? Self help book's?

 

AP:)

 

Self-help...trying. Therapy... sort of once, but it was MC. I need IC I think. There is just no time. I will start looking into it though. Make the time. I seem to fit in everything else that I "really" want into my schedule. This needs to be was I "really want".

[Meaplus3]

Self-help...trying. Therapy... sort of once, but it was MC. I need IC I think. There is just no time. I will start looking into it though. Make the time. I seem to fit in everything else that I "really" want into my schedule. This needs to be was I "really want".

 

I think IC would be a GREAT start! You do need to "Really" want it if it's going to be of any benefit to you. I found the first time I was in Therapy, it did NO good because I did not want to talk and open up, could not face up to my issues. The second time around with my whole EA thing It helped me very much because I was ready to talk and figure out the thing's within me that need work and how to get there. Good Luck to you which ever route your choose.

 

AP:)

[norajane]

I brought this up once in all the years and he just couldn't talk about it. I couldn't bring it up the one time we went to MC, because I have so much shame about how I acted and went against my own beliefs to make my life easier. I guess I can do it now because no one is actually looking me in the eye.

No one else can possibly blame you/shame you as much you do yourself. Talking to a therapist is a must - you have decades worth of self-loathing and guilt to work through.

 

Also, there is one other person who was in it with you, even though you don't think of it that way...your husband. Yes, he said he would support your decision whatever it was, and that made you feel like it was all on you. However, it wasn't. You could have pushed it and made him tell you what he preferred. You have to consider that he was as young as you, right? Why would you think he'd have any more of a clue as to how to deal with an unexpected pregnancy than you did? He probably said what he thought was best - that he would support you no matter what, and didn't know how else to handle it. And please consider how much worse it would have been for you if he had turned out to be one of the MANY men who would have PUSHED you to get an abortion, who would have walked away from responsibility if you had decided to continue with the pregnancy.

 

Regardless, you felt trapped in the decision, and because you felt you made it on your own, you feel like you must take all the blame. But...how does your husband feel? How has he felt all these years after the abortion? What did he go through at the time, and what is he still carrying around in his heart about it? Maybe he is locked in his own pain and guilt, too, which is made even worse because you don't talk to each other about what it meant to you individually and as a couple...this is a huge boulder between you, isn't it? One that you both ignore out of shame and guilt...maybe a boulder that keeps you from developing a true intimacy?

 

You need to talk to him about this in depth and how it has made you feel all these years - that may get him to understand why you need therapy so badly.

[Chrome Barracuda]

All this self loathing and introspection is kinda sickening and going round in circles and just plain stupid.

 

Bottom line basically is you need to have no contact whatsoever. and just take it one day at a time. This EA is an addiction and thus must be treated as much.

 

You know what and this is one of the reason's why me myself as a man can never get married. Because all this effort of putting yourself into a marriage and one person can just level it all because they just cant control their emotions or want to control them.

 

And you know what I realized alot of people who have emotional affairs and or physical got issues that they're spouse isnt responsible for. and even though they're were probably issues or problems in the marriage that happened? One spouse makes the choice to have an affair. It isnt a mistake.

 

Never was, never will be.

 

What the hell is this girl running from, is reality that bad? Is she willing to destroy her marriage for a man who probably cant even be faithful or loyal to her all because she wants to feed her emotional emptiness?

 

Give me a damn break.

[EmotionallyYours]

All this self loathing and introspection is kinda sickening and going round in circles and just plain stupid.

 

Bottom line basically is you need to have no contact whatsoever. and just take it one day at a time. This EA is an addiction and thus must be treated as much.

 

You know what and this is one of the reason's why me myself as a man can never get married. Because all this effort of putting yourself into a marriage and one person can just level it all because they just cant control their emotions or want to control them.

 

And you know what I realized alot of people who have emotional affairs and or physical got issues that they're spouse isnt responsible for. and even though they're were probably issues or problems in the marriage that happened? One spouse makes the choice to have an affair. It isnt a mistake.

 

Never was, never will be.

 

What the hell is this girl running from, is reality that bad? Is she willing to destroy her marriage for a man who probably cant even be faithful or loyal to her all because she wants to feed her emotional emptiness?

 

Give me a damn break.

 

Why don't YOU give ME a damn break. Wait... you have no empathy... so I doubt that is possible. I seem to be in a much "better place" today so I really don't care if you are "sickened". in fact, I'm kind of glad you are.

 

Don't you think that I feel the same way a day after reading what I wrote and see how pathetic I sound? However, your attitude is part of the problem why I haven't sorted all this crap out over the years. I have absolutely no one to talk to about this and it is driving me crazy. Part of getting through something is talking it out, going through many iterations of self-wallowing before you begin to be constructive again. My husband has the same attitude. "I'm sorry you feel sad... but you have to just decide not to be". AAAARRRRHHHHHHHGGG!!! It does not work that way!

 

I know that to you I sound pathetic and I feel that way to myself. Otherwise, I would NOT be here. In "real" life, I am the stable one to everybody. I am the agony Aunt that people come to for advice. I am the logical one. I am the problem solver that sorts everything out. When I have helped a friend or family member don't you think I've thought the same thing in my head as they were describing their problem to me? In my head do I say "God this is stupid?". Hell yes. Am I insensitive enough to make them feel stupid and say it out loud? Am I mean enough to stop their process of working things out in their tracks by invalidating their feelings? No! I try not to be judgmental while offering up my thoughts and I definitely do NOT try to make them feel foolish.

 

But alas!!...Chrome Barracuda has given me the answer. I will just always make the right choices and everything will be fine. Who cares how anyone feels. We just all make the exact right choices all the time and voila... Utopia! That's really easy. Wow, thanks CB! You know... you are a F-ing genius!! We really don't need this forum. All therapists will go out of business if this gets out. You know what... you are so right. My emotional emptiness is gone. Wow! Who'd have thunk it? You have my eternal gratitude.

[EmotionallyYours]

No one else can possibly blame you/shame you as much you do yourself. Talking to a therapist is a must - you have decades worth of self-loathing and guilt to work through.

 

nj... I think I really have mostly gotten over this issue. I still regret my decision and would take it back, but I think I have worked that out for myself. I still think about it and feel bad, but that won't ever go away. I will talk to someone about it.

 

I think what still plagues me and drives me to want out of the marriage is that I made my choice of partner under extreme duress and I was still essentially a kid. My head was not on right and I think I was just making choices out of fear. I kept it all inside and never REALLY talked to anyone about it. There are more things swept under my rug than you can imagine. I never share with anyone including my H.

 

THIS is what I have to get over. I DID make the choice and said the vows. Now I have children who have no blame in this whatsoever and deserve the best. I have to be mature enough to accept my choice.

 

I am having a hard time doing this. I still have the childish "but it's not fair" attitude.

 

Does this make sense? Even after all these years of being married?

[norajane]

It makes sense...because virtually all of us carry around those kinds of regrets. Wishes that we had made different choices. Looking back and seeing that if we had been stronger/smarter/fill-in-the-blank, our lives would have gone in a different direction. That something just wasn't fair. It's actually not unusual at all...

 

Go talk to a therapist and let all this stuff out. All that stuff you have told no one, that you barely want to admit to yourself. It will give you some relief.

[EmotionallyYours]

But at the end of the day, I DID NOT go through with a PA.

Some days I regret it, wish for it, mourn it. (CRAZY - I know. Just being honest.)

 

But mostly I am thankful.

I'm not completely over it yet.

But I think it is getting better.

When I struggle, I just LOOK AT MY KIDS and remember I DO NOT want to subject them to that kind of emotional trauma.

 

 

I never have the privacy to post... so I'm rereading and going back to respond to a whole bunch at once.

 

I'm not sure if you picked up on it... but I did have a previous EA that never went to PA and I have/had? the same feelings of regret over it. It was well over five years now and my mourning for him only stopped with the development of feelings for this EA. That is what is making this one so much more dangerous maybe? I regret not going through it last time... but here is another chance to have those feelings... With my first one I was more "emotionally" attached. He was more mature, logical, smart. However, with this one I have a much higher level of physical attraction to go with it. He, however, is much more immature and fun.

 

Maybe this is why I feel even worse this time. You can justify it and it seems "romantic" that was based on an intellectual meeting of minds and similar goals. With this one, it's more like... "we both like to party and i want to jump his bones because he makes me hot"...LOL. Not romantic and definitely a new level of immaturity that I haven't descended to since freshman year in college.

 

For me, it is the kids as well that keeps me semi-honest. When I am really tempted though... I think "well..LOTS of people get divorced"... it's normal right?

 

Now here is the next zinger. I know that NC is in order, but it is not even possible until late November. I will be seeing him (alone for part of the time) 3 times a week from now until then. I don't want to explain why... because I feel like a lose so much anonymity in the details. I already feel so exposed... I am obsessed that my H will accidentally see my posts. I don't know why... but I have extreme paranoia.

[EmotionallyYours]

Go talk to a therapist and let all this stuff out. All that stuff you have told no one, that you barely want to admit to yourself. It will give you some relief.

 

Thanks norajane. I will. I really can't believe how long this has been bottled up inside me. I had a very high-stress situation this summer that I think really opened me up emotionally and it all come flooding out. I met the OM during this situation and I really am seeing why I bonded to him I think. Too many chemicals flying about and he was in the exact right place at the exact right time.

 

I swear that I am normally not like this AT ALL. I am usually so together. I feel so embarrassed... but also relieved at the same time.

[LakesideDream]

EY, CB brought up some valid points. Relive all the bad over and over and it becomes all you are.

 

As for you blaming your H for his actions while a boyfriend, not "fighting" for the unborn child, that's out of line. Men, all men have been completely innundated with the current phylosophy that only women are qualified to make decisions about their bodies. 11 year old girls are supposed to be able to make the decisions. Your then BF did the most positive thing society allows, he supported you in your decision. Had he done anything else he would have earned himself the moniker of "rat bastard" from you, or at least a signifigant segment of society.

 

Beyond the choice to wear a condom (unreliable) or get "clipped", men have absolutely no reproductive rights.

 

More and more often we all hear about nice, responsible husbands, who don't exhibit anti-social behavior, or violence, find satisfaction in being good providers, faithful husbands and good fathers, being left by their wives and SO's because they are "boring".

 

Sad for those men that they aren't booze or drug addicts, who abuse their SO's verbally and physically while working part time at "construction" jobs which leave them plenty of time for cheating, and gambling. There is hope though, as there always seems to be one out there for every woman that's one, or maybe it's the same guys being recycled over and over.

[EmotionallyYours]

EY, CB brought up some valid points. Relive all the bad over and over and it becomes all you are.

 

As for you blaming your H for his actions while a boyfriend, not "fighting" for the unborn child, that's out of line. Men, all men have been completely innundated with the current phylosophy that only women are qualified to make decisions about their bodies. 11 year old girls are supposed to be able to make the decisions. Your then BF did the most positive thing society allows, he supported you in your decision. Had he done anything else he would have earned himself the moniker of "rat bastard" from you, or at least a signifigant segment of society.

 

Thank you Lakeside. I agree, but he really irked me at the time and my response was a bit knee-jerk. I do not appreciate someone calling what I am feeling stupid in a forum that is supposed to be for talking this sort of thing out. If I had seen his quote on another post a week ago... I may not be getting this out of my system finally after all these years.

 

I do no "blame" H for my actions. I said I was resentful. I felt that he would not talk it out with me. I wanted to go through the pros and cons of both and "really" discuss it. I wanted his help in the decision. He is almost 5 years older than me as well. He had more life experience.

 

Believe me... I was very grateful that he was supportive of the fact that it was my decision. Please don't mistake my own emotions about what happened as me condemning your views. I do not support making abortions illegal... but I hope that as few women as possible should have to make the choice. You have a very strong opinion on this subject... and you really have read too much into it I think.

[Storyrider]

Hi EY. My marriage is similar to yours in some ways. If you're interested, look back at some of my sex/relationship threads to see what I mean.

 

I just had a big discussion with my H tonight about some of our ongoing issues. We are deadlocked on several of them. With others, we have a bit of wiggle room to work with.

 

We have serious disagreements about birth control and religion. I also don't feel much physical desire for him, and that problem has been present since before we were married. I don't really have any answers, but I am coming out of an extended depression right now, so I at least feel like I'm gaining perspective.

 

On the one hand, I have invested so much it would seem wasteful to call it quits. And I also have two kids who are well adjusted. Plus, my H has more good qualities than I have time to name.

 

On the other hand, on bad days I feel like I'm destined for a life void of romance (he feels romantic towards me, but I don't towards him) and lacking in sexual satisfaction. The somewhat unbalanced dynamic between us and the simple lack of physical chemistry will be hard to change much. I guess at this point I'm hoping to raise it from a D- to a B- and that maybe I'll be able to live with that...

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why don't YOU give ME a damn break. Wait... you have no empathy... so I doubt that is possible. I seem to be in a much "better place" today so I really don't care if you are "sickened". in fact, I'm kind of glad you are.

 

Don't you think that I feel the same way a day after reading what I wrote and see how pathetic I sound? However, your attitude is part of the problem why I haven't sorted all this crap out over the years. I have absolutely no one to talk to about this and it is driving me crazy. Part of getting through something is talking it out, going through many iterations of self-wallowing before you begin to be constructive again. My husband has the same attitude. "I'm sorry you feel sad... but you have to just decide not to be". AAAARRRRHHHHHHHGGG!!! It does not work that way!

 

I know that to you I sound pathetic and I feel that way to myself. Otherwise, I would NOT be here. In "real" life, I am the stable one to everybody. I am the agony Aunt that people come to for advice. I am the logical one. I am the problem solver that sorts everything out. When I have helped a friend or family member don't you think I've thought the same thing in my head as they were describing their problem to me? In my head do I say "God this is stupid?". Hell yes. Am I insensitive enough to make them feel stupid and say it out loud? Am I mean enough to stop their process of working things out in their tracks by invalidating their feelings? No! I try not to be judgmental while offering up my thoughts and I definitely do NOT try to make them feel foolish.

 

But alas!!...Chrome Barracuda has given me the answer. I will just always make the right choices and everything will be fine. Who cares how anyone feels. We just all make the exact right choices all the time and voila... Utopia! That's really easy. Wow, thanks CB! You know... you are a F-ing genius!! We really don't need this forum. All therapists will go out of business if this gets out. You know what... you are so right. My emotional emptiness is gone. Wow! Who'd have thunk it? You have my eternal gratitude.

 

I have much empathy for people in painful situations. I have much compassion for those who are hurting. But I dont have compassion or empathyfor those who willingly self inflict the hurt on themselves and even if they know it's wrong they continue in their choice of actions. I am just speaking from a logical standpoint.

 

You can do better than what your doing.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel dumb, I'm sorry about the 2x4.

 

If you are hurting, then remove yourself from the situations. Dont listen to your heart, follow your mind and do the right thing. Are you a slave to your emotions to continue with the emotional rollercoaster when you dont have to?

 

I've been on these boards before until I banned about a cow comment to a sick twisted lying chattell of a woman. I dont sit on no high horse. I dont pretend to be moralistic.

 

I just tend to do what's right in a crazy world and yet guys like me are cut down for it.

 

And you know what the stupid thing is the same people who's out there cheating and lying and stealing and acting a fool, years later they end up right where they started. And then they start crying about I feel so stupid, I didnt love my husband enough, I wish he was still here. Blah , blah , blah.

 

I'm just tired of people treating marriage like it's a joke. I'm a representation of the younger generation out here. and if this is what it means to be married.

 

I dont want any part of it.

 

All that time and years invested. building a family and a future and it all could be destroyed with one person's twisted, self esteem issues, validation, sexual abberations, treachery, deceit.

 

All that?!?!

 

Then what's the point of getting married. I'm sorry.

 

It is what it is.

 

In order to fully recover your marriage you know what needs to be done, i suggest you get to it.

[Woggle]

Chrome may have been a bit harsh but I think you need to see it from his point of view. Men like him and many others are just getting sick of doing everything right for our women and going out of our way to be good partners only for a woman to cheat with no remorse and blame us for every issue even though these issues existed before we even came along. I am sorry but myself and Chrome are fresh out of sympathy for these type of women. My sympathy lies with your men who try to do everything right only to get resentment and blame thrown in their face. I am not trying to be crual but that is the way many of us look at it.