shadowplay Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I have a few questions, for guys in particular, about this general assumption. If a girl asks a guy out and he accepts why is this a bad thing? He has the option of turning her down, so accepting the girl shows clear interest, no? I've also heard most relationships where the girl asks the guy out don't work, but this leads again to my original question. The guy has the option of turning her down or bailing at any point along the relationship trajectory, it's not as if he's being forced, so what gives? I just don't understand this line of logic. If he wasn't interested enough, he wouldn't accept her offer to begin with or continue to date her. Or is it that somehow the fact that the girl pursued him makes him take her for granted and feel like he didn't really get to choose, but was chosen instead? Also, once you've been in a relationship with somebody for more than month does the same dynamic have to continue where the girl usually waits for the guy to make contact first?
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Let me quote a good friend of mine in regards to this topic. He was in a similar situation to what you are describing. "Baby... listen I dont really want to talk to you right now... I'm trying to play video games here. So, I'll make this really quick. The problem with our relationship is you are WAAAAYYY more into me than I am into you." They broke up 2 months later!
Saxis Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I think it's just because that's the way it's been done for centuries. Old habits are hard to break. The guy asks for the dates, the marriage. Women were treated more like pets or prizes back then. Something you "picked out", and if you got an affirmative, then the guy was "responsible" for the girl. When women were finally starting to be treated like "equals", this old tradition never died. Times have changed, so I don't think it makes that much of a difference anymore.
Author shadowplay Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Let me quote a good friend of mine in regards to this topic. He was in a similar situation to what you are describing. "Baby... listen I dont really want to talk to you right now... I'm trying to play video games here. So, I'll make this really quick. The problem with our relationship is you are WAAAAYYY more into me than I am into you." They broke up 2 months later! Right, but my guess is he would have been less into her than she was into him whether or not she was the one to take the initiative most of the time. Could you tell me more about your friend's situation. Was his gf the one who originally asked him out, and if he wasn't interested in her why did he accept or stick around for so long? This is what I don't get. Are most guys so wishy washy and passive that they'll just go along with any girl who wants to date them? If that's the case, it says more about the guy than the girl.
fray718 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I think you should stop overanalyzing things and ask so many of these types of questions and just enjoy! Your guy can sense your insecurity from all this overthinking and you know what it is very unattractive! Ofcourse it's easier said than done but sometimes you just have to tell yourself 'who gives as sh*t?!?!!?'....Dating should be fun! Just be yourself, spread your focus on other things other then your bf -- that my friend is what is attractive and will in turn make him into you more!
Author shadowplay Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 I think you should stop overanalyzing things and ask so many of these types of questions and just enjoy! Your guy can sense your insecurity from all this overthinking and you know what it is very unattractive! Ofcourse it's easier said than done but sometimes you just have to tell yourself 'who gives as sh*t?!?!!?'....Dating should be fun! Just be yourself, spread your focus on other things other then your bf -- that my friend is what is attractive and will in turn make him into you more! this has nothing to do with my relationship since he was the one to ask me out, but it's a question I"ve always been curious about.
halfarock Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I don’t think that it matters at all. I’m pretty sure that more girls have initiated things with me more than I have with them. It seems to me that those relationships that work best are ones where there is enough mutual interest right up front that whoever makes the first move is really immaterial. When I first met my current favorite girlfriend, there was just something about her that I kept looking at her, watching her from across a very crowded room. She kept looking back and when I got up to go over to approach her, she came towards me. She spoke first and later first suggested that we go out. But it was only because she beat me to it, not that I wasn’t going to.
tanbark813 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 If a girl asks a guy out and he accepts why is this a bad thing? It's not. Also, once you've been in a relationship with somebody for more than month does the same dynamic have to continue where the girl usually waits for the guy to make contact first? Of course not.
jcster Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I've found that if a woman asks a man out, a man will usually go out with her if she is in any way sexuallly attractive to him. That means the guy goes out with her only because he thinks he will get laid. It doesn't mean that he really likes her. After awhile, women start requiring the guy to ask them out, just to weed out the guys looking for sex. It's a test. You have to pay to play.
Author shadowplay Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 My experience has usually been on the rare occasion when I've been tempted to ask a guy out he beat me to the punch just when I was about to do it or I learned he wasn't interested, so usually waiting it out is better. Then again, it annoys me that the girl is obliged to wait.
Replicant Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 My experience has usually been on the rare occasion when I've been tempted to ask a guy out he beat me to the punch just when I was about to do it or I learned he wasn't interested, so usually waiting it out is better. Then again, it annoys me that the girl is obliged to wait. What ever made you think you had/have an obligation to wait? If you know them and can pick up the person is showing interest, then surely that gives a green light for either of you. If it's annoys you that you came in second place in the asking out first Olympics, then lace up some courage and get in there and do it
JCD Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Girls have worse self image problems than guys so they don't like rejections. So they sulk in the corner hoping guys can become mind readers. I prefer confident women to keep me on my toes. Don't like the shy but cute and hard to open up girls.
lino Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I don't mind if a girl asks me out. Don't see what should be bad about it. Don't like the shy but cute and hard to open up girls. Me neither.
birdie Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 It seems to me that those relationships that work best are ones where there is enough mutual interest right up front that whoever makes the first move is really immaterial. absolutely
woodsfield Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I think you should stop overanalyzing things and ask so many of these types of questions and just enjoy! Your guy can sense your insecurity from all this overthinking and you know what it is very unattractive! Ofcourse it's easier said than done but sometimes you just have to tell yourself 'who gives as sh*t?!?!!?'....Dating should be fun! Just be yourself, spread your focus on other things other then your bf -- that my friend is what is attractive and will in turn make him into you more! i agree totally. my WIFE and i were a blind date. the second date, we kinda asked each other out (she knida beat me to the punch---so i guess she asked me:)). i was going to ask her out but the first date, she said two words to me; "hello" and "goodbye". wasn't sure what she thought, so there was a lag between 1st and 2nd dates and we ran into each; and, well she has always spoken a bit quicker than i. my point; i agree with the who gives a flying fu*k mentality. if your ment for each other then who does not matter who asks what.
VIP Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Some men prefer to be asked out by a woman. They feel more secure in a woman, who shows her interest. Some of them don't like being initiators, they need constant reassurance that they are being loved.
tanbark813 Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 And some people are intelligent enough to know it doesn't mean jack shyt in the grand scheme of things. Rules about who should call first, initiate dates, timelines for sex, etc... are about on par in terms of wisdom with rules like, "You won't get pregnant if it's your first time."
Kamille Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I agree that if something is meant to be then it just happens. And in general I don't remember who asked who out first in my past relationships, mostly because the feelings were so mutual. Except for this one time. I asked a guy out. We dated fo 8 months and all 8 months we struggled because he really liked me, was flattered I showed so much interest in him, but simply couldn't commit. So I get where Shadow is coming from. Now that I think back, I think the biggest problem was that we both kind of assumed that since I had asked him out, it was up to him to make up his mind just how much he liked me. But asking someone out doesn't mean you don't have a say whether or not they are right for you afterwards. Also, at the time I think I just really wanted a boyfriend. I had recently broken up with my first boyfriend and was just used to having the company. I therefore didn't pay any attention to all the red flags and signals he was sending that said I should step back a little. I would ask a guy out again. It's fun. I think it's sexy and confident.
catina-b Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I think guys like to do the pursuing because it make them feel they are in control. I too think it should not matter, but to them it makes a difference.
oppath Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 In my better relationships, the rules such as who asks who out, when to call, who pays, all get thrown out the window. It's happened several times where I swear to god the girl insisted on paying the whole bill -- and I was quite adamant, "no, it's on me, I've really enjoyed tonight" -- and for them to respond "this is the best date I've had in a long time. You are a great conversationalist. This one is one me, you can get me next time (wink)." No problem if a girl asks me out. In fact, I enjoy a green light. Though just because a girl asks me out, it does not mean I really like her. It usually means "she seems cool, I'll go out with her and get to know her better." I've gone out with girls less attractive than my tastes and type for this reason, because I am open to exploring chemistry if I think they are cool. Without fail, after a date or two I realize I am not attracted to them enough, but I've made some good female friends by getting closer to them in this way, because I've not used them for sex when it was available. If a girl asks me out, regardless of how attractive I find her, I'll probably hold off LONGER on sex if I sense she really likes me. And I LOVE IT when the green light appears. I like 50/50 after the first 2 dates. It takes so much pressure off if a girl emails me after the 2nd date -- that night -- and says "thanks for tonight. I had a great time. Talk to you soon." If I like her, this won't come off as desperate or needy or anything the RULES tells you. If I like her, it will just make me think she likes me too. If I don't like her, I'll give her a call the next day and say "I enjoyed myself too, but don't feel we are the right people for each other for a relationship," and if I truly enjoyed myself, I will offer friendship, and I will follow through on it.
Author shadowplay Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 If I don't like her, I'll give her a call the next day and say "I enjoyed myself too, but don't feel we are the right people for each other for a relationship," and if I truly enjoyed myself, I will offer friendship, and I will follow through on it. Do you make it clear to the girl in the last scenario that you're interested in friendship and nothing more? Also, have you ever dated a girl for an extended period you didn't like that much simply because she asked you out?
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