tenshu2k Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 So, my girlfriend and I have been going out for 3 years, pretty long time. Theres been ups and downs, and we're in one of the down times. We had some issues, but recently decided that we would work things out, kinda give our relationship a reboot and start things fresh like when we were first going out. It started off okay, but then, she mentioned that she wanted to go on a camping trip. The trip would be with her friend+ her boyfriend, and herself and this other guy. the other guy may like her, and she might kidna like him. She said that she wont do anything, the guy, i dont know. Apparently his story is that hes not looking for a "relationship" and is apparently aware that my gf is going out with someone, but might also know that we're having or had some issues in the past. jut fyi, the issues are unrelated to things like this, so cant really bring up a past thing to explain any of this. we've been faithful and pretty honest for the last 3 years, so what should i do? to add some detail: my girlfriend is not the slutty type, but can do some questionable things sometimes, possibly leading people on, and coming close to those boundaries. we basically had some issues recently, and this is when she kinda started talking to this guy shes going camping with. She DIDNT tell him initially she had a bf, but it was supposedly just a friendship kinda deal and I believe her on that, but i told her she had to make it clear that she had a boyfriend and she recently did, however he trip was already planned at that point. we recently are trying hard to make things work in our relationship, and I feel like this is a step in the wrong direction. i feel like even if something doesnt happen, its still wrong of her to want to go, especially in this sort of 1:1 situation, sleeping together, drinking together, etc. it seems wrong to me, and the fact that she doesnt see that bothers me. also, to add: i told her that its wrong to go, but its her choice, and she still wants to go.
Krytellan Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 There is no way my girlfriend would be a part of anything like this and be my gf when she returned. You are being walked on if you let this happen.
Author tenshu2k Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 no she said i was not invited, and she was going with only "her" friends
tanbark813 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 no she said i was not invited, and she was going with only "her" friends Well there's a reason for her not bringing you then. You're fooling yourself--well, more accurately, she's fooling you--if you think she's not going to hook up with this other guy.
dropdeadlegs Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 No way would this be acceptable to me. If she wants to go camping, fine, but you should be part of the group. I'm not insinuating that she would hook up with the single guy, but it's a disrespectful thing to go with another guy and not even invite you.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 When I was going to meet a guy I knew from the internet who was in town, while I was still married, I invited my husband along. He said no, and that he trusted me, and I could go if I wanted to. I know he didn't trust me, and things happened and within a few years we ended the marriage. This was the first time I cheated, and something very big was missing from my marriage. I honestly wish my husband had cared enough to tell me not to go. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have eventually done it with someone else, but it would have opened the lines of communication as to why I wanted to go in the first place. She could be testing you. Please be emotionally prepared for what may happen if she still goes.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 no she said i was not invited, and she was going with only "her" friends Tell her no. If she wants to be in a relationship with you then she cant do this kind of crap. If I were in your place... I would end the exclusive part of the relationship. She could be a FWB, but thats it. If she won't change her mind about the trip... spend the time she is there hunting for another woman. She is searching for a new BF right now... in front of your face! You need to respond in kind or Dump her immediately!
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I honestly wish my husband had cared enough to tell me not to go. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have eventually done it with someone else, but it would have opened the lines of communication as to why I wanted to go in the first place. You cant blame others for your own failings as a person. If you feel something is lacking its your resposibility to start that conversation!
Author tenshu2k Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 basically the people shes going camping with are all the same ethnic/lingual group. so shes like, well you wont understand what you're talking about. I feel like now that we are getting older, shes trying to find someone of her own ethnicity to be serious with. I don't know, maybe I'm just trying to hard to make things work? I told her my feelings, and she's telling me she wont go. But after the situation, things don't seem right anymore.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 basically the people shes going camping with are all the same ethnic/lingual group. so shes like, well you wont understand what you're talking about. I feel like now that we are getting older, shes trying to find someone of her own ethnicity to be serious with. I don't know, maybe I'm just trying to hard to make things work? I told her my feelings, and she's telling me she wont go. But after the situation, things don't seem right anymore. It doesnt matter... she is still jerking you around BIG TIME!
Author tenshu2k Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Also on a similar note. what would you say about a 1:1 dinner with a guy, assuming he knows she is taken.
oppath Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I think 1-on-1 dinners with guys are fine if the guy knows you too, if he has met you and you've been introduced as her boyfriend, or if they are business things such as her away at a conference. They are ok if they guy has been a friend for a long time. But if it is some guy she met at a bar or party, and he knows she has a boyfriend, but he still asked her to dinner and he accepted, nope. That is a date.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Also on a similar note. what would you say about a 1:1 dinner with a guy, assuming he knows she is taken. The same... not acceptable. Its really simple... see she wants to keep you around just in case these other relationships dont work out. Girls do this all the time. The way I see it you have scant few choices. You can sit back and wait... hoping that she doesnt decide there is a better guy out there for her... or you can step up and take action. Just tell her, "Look, I love you alot and I want this to work. It's not going to work while you chase around after other guys. So your either in with me and we work on this together... or your not and we are done forever. Im not going to allow you to play me or to jerk me around." Does that sound like something you could hear yourself saying?
maynard Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 gotta agree with cobra here. tell her no and explain why. its simply not worth you worrying the whole time about what she is doing. and i agree that it sounds in a sick way that she is asking you for permission to test out other guys. think about that and think about what it means when you give her permission!
KenzieAbsolutely Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 telling her not to go is not going to help, even though she shouldn't go. the problem is that she wants to go, and the reason she wants to go, without you, is at the heart of the real issue. basically what i am saying is that whether she goes or not, you've got a problem in your relationship that won't be fixed by solving temporary issues like her not going camping. she's got something on her mind, and it isn't you and your feelings. find out why or don't even bother with this relationship, it doesn't sound like she has any respect for you anyway.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 You cant blame others for your own failings as a person. If you feel something is lacking its your resposibility to start that conversation! It takes two for a relationship to fall apart yet, it takes one, or the other to open the lines of communication. I'm glad you two are talking about it now. I'm just saying.... you dont know my history.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 It takes two for a relationship to fall apart yet, it takes one, or the other to open the lines of communication. I'm glad you two are talking about it now. I'm just saying.... you dont know my history. I'm not pretending to know your history... and you dont know mine. Besides that's a crap deflection tactic. We need to stand up and be accountable for our mistakes. I'm not going to tell you your situation, but I will say it sounds like your blaming him for not communicating about your unhappiness. Do you see the potential problem in that kind of thinking?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Let's not hijack the op's thread. I was merely stating a point about keeping the lines of communication open. I know my thinking is warped!
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Let's not hijack the op's thread. I was merely stating a point about keeping the lines of communication open. I know my thinking is warped! LOL... Understood. However I think this topic applies directly to the heart of this thread! Tenshu, if your GF is unhappy about something and I gaurantee she is! If you want it to work, your going to have to dig it out of her and address it. She is probably wondering why you havent read her mind about it already.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 LOL... She is probably wondering why you havent read her mind about it already. ZACTLY!!! sorry, i know this is serious but some of us women get caught up in that.
jcster Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 we basically had some issues recently, and this is when she kinda started talking to this guy shes going camping with. She DIDNT tell him initially she had a bf, but it was supposedly just a friendship kinda deal and I believe her on that, but i told her she had to make it clear that she had a boyfriend and she recently did, however he trip was already planned at that point. we recently are trying hard to make things work in our relationship, and I feel like this is a step in the wrong direction. It's a GIANT LEAP in the wrong direction. There's obviously some real problems in your relationship. This is an obvious maneuver on her part, and she's seeing how far she can go while still being your "girlfriend." When my marriage was falling apart, this is exactly how I started to think. This was the first time I cheated, and something very big was missing from my marriage. I honestly wish my husband had cared enough to tell me not to go. Yes...I know exactly what you are talking about. This is what I'm trying to tell the O.P. If he "forbids" her to go, he at least has a chance of salvaging the relationship. If he steps back, and let's her go through with this, the relationship is going to be over. We need to stand up and be accountable for our mistakes. I'm not going to tell you your situation, but I will say it sounds like your blaming him for not communicating about your unhappiness. Do you see the potential problem in that kind of thinking? There's a lot of truth in that, but there are a lot of ways to communicate in a relationship. What the OP's girlfriend is saying, loud and clear, is "I don't really want to break up with you, but I'm not happy. I need you to care about what I'm doing. I need you to fight for the relationship" I did the same thing with my ex - and he wimped the hell out. If he'd tried at all...I might not have left.
maynard Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 telling her not to go is not going to help, even though she shouldn't go. the problem is that she wants to go, and the reason she wants to go, without you, is at the heart of the real issue. basically what i am saying is that whether she goes or not, you've got a problem in your relationship that won't be fixed by solving temporary issues like her not going camping. she's got something on her mind, and it isn't you and your feelings. find out why or don't even bother with this relationship, it doesn't sound like she has any respect for you anyway.i can see that, but at least he can stand up for himself and tell her no. if the relationship is indeed doomed, then he can force her to make a choice in an assertive way, not in a passive way
dropdeadlegs Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 teshnu, Your girl should have "ethnic/lingual" friendships, but there is a more appropriate way to spend time with these people than an overnight camping trip.
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