Author puzzled Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 Did those flings occur when you and her are still married? If so, what are you going to do about it No, the flings happened when she was married to her previous husband. Some of the emails talked about things they did in the past. As far as I know there has been no fling since we have been married, however she has met him for drinks.
JamesM Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 No, the flings happened when she was married to her previous husband. Some of the emails talked about things they did in the past. As far as I know there has been no fling since we have been married, however she has met him for drinks. So, she cheated on her last husband? Did she cheat on him with you, too? Or did you meet her after she was divorced from him? Sadly, history often repeats itself. I hope this can be resolved, but I am afraid she has shown a pattern.
Author puzzled Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 [so, she cheated on her last husband? Did she cheat on him with you, too? Or did you meet her after she was divorced from him? /QUOTE] She claims it was during periods when she was separated from her last husband. She had left him before we met, and claims that she had already filed for divorce.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Dump this chick she is a serial cheater. and since you dont have any kids you can walk away from her scott free. what kind of woman goes behind her husband or SO's back and writes out intimate emails to a male friend? C'mon dont be stupid the writing is on the wall. Trust me, drop her before it get's any worse, clearly she isnt thinking about where you end up in her life. it's all been about her. There is no us, where she's concerned. And also if she's capable of cheating on her former husband she's able to do it to you as well. Dont be surprised if she comes home and says, I love you but I'm not in love with you, because that's how it always begins! End it or stay in emotional tarturus. it's your choice!
luvstarved Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I agree with WWIU, get a keylogger. If you confront her, I think she will probably just lie. If you get a keylogger she will not know you know her password so will not have her guard up. It is possible that he is a longterm f**kbuddy and she doesn't really have any particular intentions of leaving, just maintaining that "special relationship". some cheaters rationalize by thinking that someone they have already f**ked doesn't really "count", especially if in their mind they are no "threat" to the M...people are strange. I am not wild about the whole spying notion but when you are dealing with dishonesty, sometimes it is the only way to get the truth. And the truth is what you need.
luvstarved Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Just wanted to add, if you do get the keylogger, find out something bad and confront her with it, I would not tell her about the keylogger. let her live with a little paranoia...also, that way you might continue to get information that way...I'd just say "I have my ways..."
jmargel Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 and she assured me that he was just a friend Famous last words.. You might not want to believe this but enough people and myself are telling you she is cheating. She's lied to you about seeing this guy while she was seperated. Find her ex-husband and talk to him. Ask him, I'm sure he'll give you another story. Her having secret email accounts and the fact that she changed her password is a sign that she probably has a keylogger on your computer to detect stuff like this. She shows that she has learned from past mistakes and very well experienced in this. When you confront her she'll bull**** you into thinking what she wants you to think and then turn it around on you. She'll lay blanket statements on how bad her marriage is and how awful you are and then use that as an excuse to leave. This is not a marriage, and she is acting like an immature teenager. Take her stuff and throw it out on the street. However for some reason I think you are going to roll over and piddle and not do anything. Words are meaningless here, it's time for action. As long as you keep tolerating this she will continue to disrespect you. They are both laughing in your face right now.
Darth Vader Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 [Am I reading correctly that she has already been cheated on you with him? How far away is he? Are you a newly wed.....any kids? /QUOTE] I had a discussion with her about him about a year ago and she assured me that he was just a friend. We've only been married about 5 years -- the flings that he talks about were apparently when she was married to her previous husband, and she claims that they were during times when she was separated. My BS detector is going off like crazy!!!!! Get away from this woman!
Darth Vader Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 This sounds good, but how would I know that she has ended contact? She created a new yahoo email account quite a while ago which she uses only to communicate with him. For some reason she used the a password that I was easily able to guess and that's how I've been able to spy on her email. Shortly after this communication she changed her password and I haven't been able to read any of her emails since. If she gives me her new password all she has to do is create another new yahoo email account and I'll never know it. I will have no idea whether or not she has any contact with him. Install a Good Keylogger, you'll get all of her info, e-mails, and perhaps more!
VIP Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Let her go now, before he married "the second best". She'll be grateful you did and you'll make 4 people happy.
Author puzzled Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 Update The original email that I quoted from my W was sent to OM in mid August. Apparently he had told her that he was getting married in September and she was pleading with him to postpone, and if he posponed they could work out the fact that she wasn't available. His response was "We've decided to move it up to next weekend. We're going out of town for a week and we're getting married on Saturday." Most of her emails to him were from her computer at work, but ever once in a while she would send one from home. The night before he was leaving to get married she checked her special email account that she used only for him three times, but there were no messages. Shortly aftert that I couldn't access her email account, so I assumed that she suspected that I'd been spying on her and changed the password. I've been waiting very patiently since then thinking that surely she would check her email from home and I could get the new password. However it didn't happen. So yesterday I set up a new email account with a user name similar to his and sent her an email saying "Just checking to make sure my emails are getting though." This email was returned by yahoo with the message " This account has been disabled or discontinued." Apparently she was upset because he had chosen his girlfriend over her and closed her email account so that he couldn't communicate with her any more. I doubt if he really got married that weekend. I think it was just an easy way of letting her know that his only interest in her was an affair. This indicates that I was correct and that her plan was to divorce me to be with him. If she was only interested in a affair the fact that he was married shouldn't have mattered. I guess this should make me feel better. It appears that it's over and I don't have to worry about it any more. However, instead of feeling better I feel even worse. It's not a good feeling knowing that your wife is only staying with you because the man she really wants to be with chose someone else over her. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 What to do? If you are certain it is over, spill everything you know now to your W, and let your W know that her choices are 'no contact' with OM ever again and counseling or divorce. The OM may be gone for now, but the inner stuff going on that enabled her to do what she did is still there - and it would not surprise me if they continued to "be friends" after the wedding. If it is not addressed, it will be only a matter of time before she latches back onto him, or some other OM.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 What to do? If you are certain it is over, spill everything you know now to your W, and let your W know that her choices are 'no contact' with OM ever again and counseling or divorce. The OM may be gone for now, but the inner stuff going on that enabled her to do what she did is still there - and it would not surprise me if they continued to "be friends" after the wedding. If it is not addressed, it will be only a matter of time before she latches back onto him, or some other OM. Why bother working on a marriage with someone who doesnt really want you? If you are not her #1 choice... I'd just cut my losses and find someone who is. That said, I would explain to her exactly why your divorcing her... but make sure she knows ahead of time that she cant talk you out of it. Just keep in mind she is going to spin it to minimize damage.
rockerdude Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Dude...ditch her and do it fast. Don't walk run. This IS exactly what you think it is...don't kid yourself. You are not the problem and YOU won't be the solution.
Author puzzled Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 I posted this in 2007. In January 2008 I told my W that I wanted a divorce. She played the sympathy card and told me that she'd be OK, that she'd take in a roommate and get a second job on the weekends. She wouldn't need cable or internet because she wouldn't ever be home. I make over twice as much as she does, so I did feel sorry for her. Then she asked if I'd be her roommate and we could live together as roommates. I have no spine, so I said OK. She said she had cut off all contact with the OM. She immediately started looking for a better job, so I decided to stay around until she found one. Fast forward 3+ years. She's still looking for a better job. I have no reason to believe she's still seeing the OM, but I just can't get over it. Every month for over 3 years I've been checking her cellphone bill to see if she slipped up and called him. I confessed to having put spy software on her computer, so she's smart enough to not communicate with him over the computer at home. Probably she hasn't had any contact with him, but if she does she can easily go to the library or some other place with internet access. We sleep in the same bed, but we've probably had sex on the average of every 6 months. I have no idea whether she loves me, or whether she's just hanging around because I'm her meal ticket. In October of last year I decided I needed to try harder. I told her that I was going to try to be a better husband and asked her what she needed. She said that she needed for me to act more loving and tell her I loved her and buy her presents. I bought her several things and started telling her I loved her quite often. I was disappointed that she didn't ask me what I needed. After about a month I asked her if she would like to know what I needed. She said sure, U told her that so I had a need to know, and that I needed the full story on the other man. She got upset and said that there is nothing to tell, that he's just a friend, that he would have probably liked to be more but she didn't. She acted upset and asked why I wouldn't believe her. There's an old saying "curiosity killed the cat". That fits the way I feel. I think if she told me the full story that I might be more inclined to think that she's not still seeing him. She still claims that he was just a friend and that she didn't do anything wrong. I figured in time I would get over it, but I haven't. All I want is to be happy. I'm 66 years old now, so I'm too old to get divorced. I don't want to be alone and I'm not sure any other woman would want me. Besides there's no reason to think I'd be happier with another woman than I am with the one I have now.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I posted this in 2007. In January 2008 I told my W that I wanted a divorce. She played the sympathy card and told me that she'd be OK, that she'd take in a roommate and get a second job on the weekends. She wouldn't need cable or internet because she wouldn't ever be home. I make over twice as much as she does, so I did feel sorry for her. Then she asked if I'd be her roommate and we could live together as roommates. I have no spine, so I said OK. She said she had cut off all contact with the OM. She immediately started looking for a better job, so I decided to stay around until she found one. Fast forward 3+ years. She's still looking for a better job. I have no reason to believe she's still seeing the OM, but I just can't get over it. Every month for over 3 years I've been checking her cellphone bill to see if she slipped up and called him. I confessed to having put spy software on her computer, so she's smart enough to not communicate with him over the computer at home. Probably she hasn't had any contact with him, but if she does she can easily go to the library or some other place with internet access. We sleep in the same bed, but we've probably had sex on the average of every 6 months. I have no idea whether she loves me, or whether she's just hanging around because I'm her meal ticket. In October of last year I decided I needed to try harder. I told her that I was going to try to be a better husband and asked her what she needed. She said that she needed for me to act more loving and tell her I loved her and buy her presents. I bought her several things and started telling her I loved her quite often. I was disappointed that she didn't ask me what I needed. After about a month I asked her if she would like to know what I needed. She said sure, U told her that so I had a need to know, and that I needed the full story on the other man. She got upset and said that there is nothing to tell, that he's just a friend, that he would have probably liked to be more but she didn't. She acted upset and asked why I wouldn't believe her. There's an old saying "curiosity killed the cat". That fits the way I feel. I think if she told me the full story that I might be more inclined to think that she's not still seeing him. She still claims that he was just a friend and that she didn't do anything wrong. I figured in time I would get over it, but I haven't. All I want is to be happy. I'm 66 years old now, so I'm too old to get divorced. I don't want to be alone and I'm not sure any other woman would want me. Besides there's no reason to think I'd be happier with another woman than I am with the one I have now. Present your evidence and what you have been going through for the last three years. Decide then. Now it seems that you don't want a D out of fear. I get that, but you don't feel happy right now in your R, do you? Fix the dynamic in your R that is causing the problem and find out if she really loves you. I know many will say that "she clearly doesn't because she lied." But that is pretty black and white. You don't want to go through life feeling that you are in this relationship because you are scared.
Author puzzled Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 (edited) How old is she? She's 62 and I'm 66. She says she looks like she's under 50 and I look like I'm over 70. It really hurts my feelings every time she tells me this. Edited April 28, 2011 by puzzled
Owl Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Here's my take, and this should be pretty obvious to someone with your experience. Either take steps to fix the situation, or accept the situation as it is. If you're not happy with the current situation...you either take active measures to improve it...point blank...or you change your expectations of the situation. She says things that hurt you...confront her about that. You know she's lying to you about what went on with OM...confront her with your evidence proving otherwise. You're not sure why she's still there...then ask her point blank. If the communication isn't what you want...insist on marriage counseling to help you improve it. Or else...accept it as where you've decided to be, and drive on.
Author puzzled Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Either take steps to fix the situation, or accept the situation as it is. My goal during the last 3+ years has been to accept the situation as it is. However, I don't seem to be able to let go and do that. I'm not sure it can be fixed. Every time I have tried to confront her it has seemed to wind up making the situation worse. What I need to do is find a way to really accept the situation as it is and let it go.
Owl Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 What you're trying to do is to figure out how to accept what most people would find completely unacceptable. I don't have any good words of advice on how to do that, personally. Perhaps individual counseling?
fltc Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Since you are unable to accept the situtaion your only other alternative is to leave. You've had your choice made for you. See an attorney, figure out what settlement is possible and present her with divorce papers. Explain that since she's been lying, gaslighting, deceiving you for years you're finished.
2sunny Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 you are trying to accept something that should be unacceptable. you are essentially betraying yourself. this is never good. get counseling to overcome betrayal of self. no God would choose this for anyone. she's not showing loving behavior- only selfishness based on looks by deceiving and hurtful behavior. to betray self is a terrible way to live. i bet you are sick most days - betrayal of self will do that to a person - and knowing that YOU tolerate it all blames no one except you for TOLERATING it all. it matters not how old or young you are! stop it. get rid of the cancer that is killing you = throw her out. start healing self by making choices that are in YOUR best interest... which includes eliminating her from your life.
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