puzzled Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 My wife has been communicating with an old friend for several months and I've been spying on her email. In early August he told he was getting married to a woman that he had been living with for several years. Here are two of the emails that went back and forth. she wrote: What am I thinking! We CAN't meet in September - you're getting MARRIED! It'll have to be August. I just HAVE to work something out, promise. I have to get all my burning questions answered IN PERSON like: What ARE YOU thinking?, Are you OUT OUT OUT of your mind?, plus MANY MANY more. My God, you could AT THE VERY LEAST go to Fantasy Fest once before you settle into the dreary complacency of matrimony. Fine, don't listen to me. You never do and then look what happens. You should have listened to me long ago. FIND SOMEONE COMPATIBLE. Fine, don't listen to me. Three words of advice: POSTPONE, POSTPONE, POSTPONE. Do that and we'll proceed to the next step. OK, I feel a little strongly about this. I'll leave. He wrote: well your off the market sooooooooooo I have to settle with the next best thing! Your crazy If I postpone are you going to invite me to fantasy fest? One last fling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My question -- What does her statement 'Do that and we'll proceed to the next step' mean?
reboot Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I think you already know the answer to that.
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 You have some options to think about: Confront her NOW with what you know and tell her that ALL contact MUST end with the OM immediately. It's either HIM or YOU, not both. If she says she can't or doesn't want to stop the friendship with the OM, (another thing to think about) then you can contact the OM's spouse and let her know what is going on. What a fool the OM is making of her, and your wife is making a fool of you too... If you choose to stay in your marriage and give your wife another chance, she MUST end all contact with the OM, be an open book to you. Passwords, other email accounts, cellphone records - Everything you have to know about if she is going to regain your trust and faith again.. DO you two have children? Sorry that you're going through this...
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 well your off the market sooooooooooo I have to settle with the next best thing! Your crazy If I postpone are you going to invite me to fantasy fest? One last fling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My question -- What does her statement 'Do that and we'll proceed to the next step' mean? How about you explain that statement in his email a little further? Maybe you should be talking to a lawyer!
Mr. Lucky Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I think that, if you've been happily married, your spouse deserves ONE chance (and one chance only) to explain to you what's going on here. Just make sure your BS detector is on... Mr. Lucky
justice Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Clearly it's a bribe from her to him. Sorry you are going through this. I would now give her a choice.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 It means that she intends to cheat on you with a guy she's probably been seeing all along behind your back. First, print out all incriminating emails you can find and hide them in a safe place. Then, I would go see a lawyer and have separation/divorce papers drawn up, find out what effect that adultery has on the divorce (show the lawyer your emails), and find a way to screw her as hard as possible in the settlement. Then take the papers home. Wait until she is gone, and then pack everything she owns and put it in the front yard. If you can legally do so, change the locks on your home. When she gets back and comes banging on the door to be let in, open the door, hand her the papers and tell her to hit the f*cking road. If she demands an explanation, tell her that the "dreary complacency of matrimony" has gotten to you and you want a divorce - then hand her a copy of the emails. Do not accept ANY explanation. She will find a way to make it look innocent, and she will do it frantically and thoroughly in an effort to not be kicked aside. She'll make up any number of outrageous excuses. Don't listen, at all. She will be in shock, but she'll at least know why you are doing it. If she does not want a divorce, then she has to agree to a few things (and it won't be easier - it would be far easier to bounce her cheating ass out of your life, but... I'm sure you love her and want to work it out, so here is how): 1. OM's fiance gets full details, including print outs of the emails. Full, solid exposure. An email will be sent to the OM on both of your behalfs after exposure requesting 'no contact'. 2. NO contact with the OM under no circumstances. As soon as one contact of any sort is made, the divorce will proceed. 3. Counseling, hardcore. Affairs are not something you can simply expect to end. They have to be murdered through exposure, and draconian consequences. Consider it a 'scorched earth' approach. Anything less than this, while the WS is in the throes of an affair - and you can be guaranteed that it will still find a way to happen behind your back.
Author puzzled Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 My question -- What does her statement 'Do that and we'll proceed to the next step' mean? I guess nobody else interprets this like I did. He stated that since she wasn't available that he had to settle for the woman he'd been living with. I thought my wife was telling him that if he postponed she would divorce me so that she would be available.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 I thought my wife was telling him that if he postponed she would divorce me so that she would be available. Is that any better news than finding out she's cheated on you ? Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 I thought my wife was telling him that if he postponed she would divorce me so that she would be available. That is exactly what your wife is saying. Asking him to postpone the wedding, let things cool off THEN he'll end it with his fiance, and she'll end things with you. What are you going to do about this Puzzled?
bestadvisor Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 He wrote: well your off the market sooooooooooo I have to settle with the next best thing! Your crazy If I postpone are you going to invite me to fantasy fest? One last fling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I reading correctly that she has already been cheated on you with him? How far away is he? Are you a newly wed.....any kids?
LakesideDream Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 From experiance I tell you to take LB's advice and cut her loose post haste. I lived through exactly the same thing for 20 plus years, ending in divorce seven years ago. My mess went on in a time that began without cel phones or email, and continued for over twenty years during which I was the dutifull, loving, committed, loyal and, worn out husband. As soon as the kids were grown, Poof, they started their lives together. Don't be a fool and let this happen to you. Had I known four or five years in, I would have been out of there like a scalded cat.
Author puzzled Posted September 10, 2007 Author Posted September 10, 2007 [Am I reading correctly that she has already been cheated on you with him? How far away is he? Are you a newly wed.....any kids? /QUOTE] I had a discussion with her about him about a year ago and she assured me that he was just a friend. We've only been married about 5 years -- the flings that he talks about were apparently when she was married to her previous husband, and she claims that they were during times when she was separated. We all live in the same metro area. We don't have any kids together. Before confronting her I just wanted to see if other people would interpret it that she was planning to leave me, or just have an affair. Both are bad, but my actions will probably differ based on which it is.
Author puzzled Posted September 10, 2007 Author Posted September 10, 2007 If you choose to stay in your marriage and give your wife another chance, she MUST end all contact with the OM, be an open book to you. Passwords, other email accounts, cellphone records - Everything you have to know about if she is going to regain your trust and faith again.. This sounds good, but how would I know that she has ended contact? She created a new yahoo email account quite a while ago which she uses only to communicate with him. For some reason she used the a password that I was easily able to guess and that's how I've been able to spy on her email. Shortly after this communication she changed her password and I haven't been able to read any of her emails since. If she gives me her new password all she has to do is create another new yahoo email account and I'll never know it. I will have no idea whether or not she has any contact with him.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 This sounds good, but how would I know that she has ended contact? She created a new yahoo email account quite a while ago which she uses only to communicate with him. For some reason she used the a password that I was easily able to guess and that's how I've been able to spy on her email. Shortly after this communication she changed her password and I haven't been able to read any of her emails since. If she gives me her new password all she has to do is create another new yahoo email account and I'll never know it. I will have no idea whether or not she has any contact with him. Maybe this is just me... but if you have to play detective forever, she isnt worth the effort. I'm just imagining the emotional energy required for something like that.... what a waste of time. I'd dump her before I'd let her give me grey hairs!
whichwayisup Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Then install a keylogger onto the computer.
Author puzzled Posted September 10, 2007 Author Posted September 10, 2007 Then install a keylogger onto the computer Most of her communication with him is at from here computer at work, so this is not possible.
bestadvisor Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Shortly after this communication she changed her password and I haven't been able to read any of her emails since. What does that tell you? You don't stay "just friends" with someone you had a fling with before. Opposit sex can be friends, but it's rare. Even if opposit sex are friends, they are almost always never "close friends" where they confide in each other, unless they are blood related. Keep that in mind.
Scrivdog Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 You can't kick someone out of a shared residence like that. 1. It's simply not your business to play informant. You won't keep or win someone over through hose tactics regardless. 2. You can't control people. It's one thing for her to come to the idea that she needs to close contact with a affair. Havne't you learned that you can't tell a woman no? 3. Counseling is nonsense. Unless you have kids to raise and the problems are within the relationship,this option is simply not applicable. Counselor: So wife, can you explain why you had the affair? Wife: I wanted some strange. Husband: I told you, you cannot even Think of him! It's Over. Be thankful that you have some notion of the truth. Who knows what bull**** she would feed you to string you along and go after more of your stuff in divorce. It means that she intends to cheat on you with a guy she's probably been seeing all along behind your back. First, print out all incriminating emails you can find and hide them in a safe place. Then, I would go see a lawyer and have separation/divorce papers drawn up, find out what effect that adultery has on the divorce (show the lawyer your emails), and find a way to screw her as hard as possible in the settlement. Then take the papers home. Wait until she is gone, and then pack everything she owns and put it in the front yard. If you can legally do so, change the locks on your home. When she gets back and comes banging on the door to be let in, open the door, hand her the papers and tell her to hit the f*cking road. If she demands an explanation, tell her that the "dreary complacency of matrimony" has gotten to you and you want a divorce - then hand her a copy of the emails. Do not accept ANY explanation. She will find a way to make it look innocent, and she will do it frantically and thoroughly in an effort to not be kicked aside. She'll make up any number of outrageous excuses. Don't listen, at all. She will be in shock, but she'll at least know why you are doing it. If she does not want a divorce, then she has to agree to a few things (and it won't be easier - it would be far easier to bounce her cheating ass out of your life, but... I'm sure you love her and want to work it out, so here is how): 1. OM's fiance gets full details, including print outs of the emails. Full, solid exposure. An email will be sent to the OM on both of your behalfs after exposure requesting 'no contact'. 2. NO contact with the OM under no circumstances. As soon as one contact of any sort is made, the divorce will proceed. 3. Counseling, hardcore. Affairs are not something you can simply expect to end. They have to be murdered through exposure, and draconian consequences. Consider it a 'scorched earth' approach. Anything less than this, while the WS is in the throes of an affair - and you can be guaranteed that it will still find a way to happen behind your back.
FrequentFlyer Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Do that and we'll proceed to the next step. Regarding the "next step"...why would she need to divorce? Gotta say, I feel bad for this guy's GF. My advice? Pack.
JamesM Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 All I can say is ..wow. And I am usually pretty optimistic. First, we read that she wants something with him. Even if she has not done anything before, she does want it now. Second, the "fling" may or may not refer to her. He may be referring to "another fling" in general. Ie..."shall I have sex with someone besides my GF one last time before I marry?" Either way...if it is another fling with her or a first time fling with her, it certainly appears that your wife is initiating it...not him. Third, since you are her second husband, why was she divorced the first time? Did she cheat then? This can be significant. If so, then she seems not to have quit doing it. If she only had sex with this guy while she was seperated from her first husband (what else would she say?!), then what made her quit? Or did she ever? I agree with you. If you let her know you know of her emails and ask for a password, she will create a new email address. This is so easy. And will you trust her? Why did you begin reading her emails? Was there some reason that you did not trust her? And were any other emails this "flirty" and suggestive?
justfine Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Be glad you don't have any kids. Perhaps, this is a marriage you may want to walk away from. Your wife is definitely not trustworthy and from now on, you're always going to be suspicious and never at peace.
silktricks Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 What is fantasy fest? Is the fling she speaks of in the e-mail the same thing that we assume on this board, in other words is it sexual? Is it possible that this speaks not of a sexual fling, but rather a time of having fun? Is it possible that she's trying to talk this guy out of a marriage not because she's interested, but rather because she knows that he's not as committed to his future wife as he should be to get married? Just another side of the fence to think on.....
Author puzzled Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 What is fantasy fest? Is the fling she speaks of in the e-mail the same thing that we assume on this board, in other words is it sexual? Is it possible that this speaks not of a sexual fling, but rather a time of having fun? Fantasy Fest is wild festival that's held in Key West in late October every year. We've been several time but he has never been and it appears that she was trying to get him to go this year and somehow meet up with him there. Either that or she was planning to dump me before then and go with him. The fling (or probably flings) was definitely a sexual fling. I can tell by some of her other emails. Is it possible that she's trying to talk this guy out of a marriage not because she's interested, but rather because she knows that he's not as committed to his future wife as he should be to get married? Yes, I've considered that and I'm sure when I talk to her about it she will say that's what it is and that she's just being a good friend to him. I'm trying to decide whether to believe that or not. Perhaps I'm wrong and there is nothing going on here. However if that's the case why would she be secret about it, especially since we had a discussion last summer and I told her it was OK to be friends with him as long as she didn't try to keep it from me.
bestadvisor Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 The fling (or probably flings) was definitely a sexual fling. I can tell by some of her other emails. Did those flings occur when you and her are still married? If so, what are you going to do about it?
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