i have told him its over till he's kicked the weed habit. have i done the right thing

[emmaUK]

a few weeks back i was advised on here to get rid of the BF. of course as many people do... i didnt end it.

he was a few days in to giving up weed and i will be honest he was horrible.

i have always said to him that he is fine if he is stoned but when its wearing off or he hasnt smoked for a while he changes totaly.

so thats why he was giving up;.... he was sooo horribe for about 2 weeks but then it was like he changed totaly into this lovely person and was a dream to be around. this lasted 2-3 weeks and then he smoked it once... n then another time and he startes to fall on the slope again and we had a few bad arguemnts again which i know were linked to the weed.

 

one wa at the supermarket and i was crying in the car and asked him to give me 5 mins alone to stop crying and sort out my make up but he got really angry with being made to wait outside the car and was shouting abuse at me thru the wondow and trying to pull me out of his car.

 

then his sister told me that she knew how horrible he had been to me (she witnessed anarguemnt) and said she knows its not all me how he makes out and even she has noticed how he changes with weed.

his mum later on had told me that she has also noticed it and he has got a little agressive with him a a couple of times recently.

 

that nite when he took me home i told him that i knew i wasnt just going crazy (he has alwys said that he thinks im imagining thats his horribleness is linked to the weed) and that his mum and sister have also noticed how he changes. i told him then it was me or the weed and i didnt want him while he was smoking it coz i had a taste of how lovely he is when not smoking. he drove home but came back 10 mins later crying and said how he loves and wants me more then anyting and i am the most important thing in his life and he swears he will never touch it again.

 

anyway something kicked off a little on wednesday coz there was something i found out he had covered up becuase he didnt want me to start quizzing him. we didnt speak on wednesday but we poke on thursday n he was just being twiasted and horrible.... i knew he had smoked again after swearing i was more important n he wouldnt smoke again.

 

i asked him today if he had smoked it and he said he had .. when i told him how dissapointed i was n i feel he has totaly let me down after that big speach he made to me about giving up for good coz i was so important.. he just got realyl angry n sent me this horrible text that was clearly the weedhead him.

 

so i have now told him i love him very much and i want to be with him but i will not be with him until he has given up weed for good and to go away and think about what he wants and if its me he wants that he has to give up the weed coz i dont want it to be part of my relationship any longer. he said "so we prob gonna be apart for a while till ive given up"

 

he was supposed to be coming over this weekend but obviosly that wont happen now.. im missing him so much already n i think im gonna do alot of crying this weekend. i really want to feel that what i have done is the right thing and this lonliness im feeling will be worth it.

 

do u think what i did today was the right thing to do????

[Micke81]

Absolutely. It will be worth it in the end. Just don't cave, stick to it!

 

Plan some project this weekend to keep you busy.

[emmaUK]

yes i dont need to be lingering around the house alone when he would noramaly be here.

 

glad u think im doign the right thing.

 

i guess it will show if i really am that important to him. i hope so much that he does the right thing.

[emmaUK]

i keep feeling these little feeling that maybe i should be there for him to try n support him when he is giving up the weed or do u think it wont work liek that??

 

do u think if i love him i should be there supporting him thru giving up or do u think i should jsut stick to not wanting to know until he make the decision to quit for good.

 

im sooooooo heartbroken

[Arizona100]

It was the right thing to do since:

-1 It bothers you (weed)

-2 He's clearly abusive to you

 

I am gonna be honest people who smoke weed don't bother me at all ( I don't smoke it though), they usually go nice when they're high. I am surprised that he becomes so aggressive with you.

 

Stay away, since weed seems to have a bad effect on him, you are right, don't tolerate it. I am sorry to hear how he treated you when you were crying, that's pretty sad.

 

Maybe write him a letter and tell him how you feel (that way you can re-read yourself), you can add that he will have your support if he does decide to stop.

 

It seems to be an addiction for him (mentally, cigarette is way more addictive physically for instance), he should seek help instead of stopping on his own. Not especially professional help but make a battle plan surrounded by his family and friends.

 

I will add something, and it's true for any addiction, there is nothing you can do unless HE decides to stop, we can't force people to put an end to an addiction, it has to be a personal choice.

[Cobra_X30]

i keep feeling these little feeling that maybe i should be there for him to try n support him when he is giving up the weed or do u think it wont work liek that??

 

do u think if i love him i should be there supporting him thru giving up or do u think i should jsut stick to not wanting to know until he make the decision to quit for good.

 

im sooooooo heartbroken

 

Do you feel like he treats you as well as you deserve to be treated?

[emmaUK]

its not actualyl when he is high that he is nasty.... its when its wearing off or he hasnt smoked it for a lil while.

like theres been times when we have been arguing bad n he has been so nasty then he will go out n smoke it n come back in and he will be all over me again. when he's actually high.. he's lovely.. its just the afters.

 

his friends will not help him to give up... they all smoke weed and other times he has told them he was giving up they take the mick a bit and then keep offereing it to him, ALL his friends smoke weed and he is around CONSTANT temptation.

 

i will maybe writ him an email this evening and explain everything in full. so he can read it 2moro morning.

[emmaUK]

Do you feel like he treats you as well as you deserve to be treated?

 

sometimes he is sooo lovely but when he has been smoking then i know i deserve better coz he can be quite nasty,

 

i know i am no angel and i can be a bit of a nag sometimes but he can be quite nasty and after a long while of me starting to wonder if maybe it was all in my head... his sister told me that she thought he was horrible to me during a particualr arguement where he called me a C**K, D***-head, C*W. in front of her. and after his mum said he had got aggressive with her... then i realsied that i am deff not imagning it or going crazy.

 

when he gave up for 5-6 weeks.. after 2 weeks of being an obsolute twit.. he totaly changed and he was my dream man. i cant explain how lovely he was... i just want him to be that way all the time and i know he can without the weed

[Cobra_X30]

sometimes he is sooo lovely but when he has been smoking then i know i deserve better coz he can be quite nasty,

 

i know i am no angel and i can be a bit of a nag sometimes but he can be quite nasty and after a long while of me starting to wonder if maybe it was all in my head... his sister told me that she thought he was horrible to me during a particualr arguement where he called me a C**K, D***-head, C*W. in front of her. and after his mum said he had got aggressive with her... then i realsied that i am deff not imagning it or going crazy.

 

when he gave up for 5-6 weeks.. after 2 weeks of being an obsolute twit.. he totaly changed and he was my dream man. i cant explain how lovely he was... i just want him to be that way all the time and i know he can without the weed

 

Your on a rollercoaster! Are you willing to put up with his lows where he treats you badly to get to the highs where he treats you well? Or do you feel like you need something more stable in your life?

[emmaUK]

course i want something more stable.... but i just adore him so bad and know how lvoely he is without THAT CRAP in his life.

 

i really do want ro be there for him if its not in his life.... but i feel i just cant handle the way he is when he been smokin it.

 

i feel if i keep letting him have these slip ups and then still be with him then he will think he can jsut go on that way and i dont want it to go on forver.

 

when he came back that nite n said i was more important to him then anything n he wouldnt touch it again .. i know at the time he did mean it.

so i guess we will just have to see what happens.

 

im not trying to be a party pooper and spoil his fun... if i couldnt see the massive change in him when he smokes then i wouldnt care if he smoked it jsut as long as it wasnt effecting the relationship. there is no other reaon why i feel so strongly about it aprt from i 100% know it changes the way he thinks, talks, acts.

[Cobra_X30]

course i want something more stable.... but i just adore him so bad and know how lvoely he is without THAT CRAP in his life.

 

if i couldnt see the massive change in him when he smokes then i wouldnt care if he smoked it jsut as long as it wasnt effecting the relationship. there is no other reaon why i feel so strongly about it aprt from i 100% know it changes the way he thinks, talks, acts.

 

 

Well, you have to assume that he wont change. Maybe he will stay off the stuff for 6 months... then relapse. You seem to be blaming his bad behavior on the drugs. This may not be 100% the case, I think you should really take a step back and evaluate him as a person. You cant change him, and you dont seem happy with this yo-yo style relationship.

 

In fact it kind of seems like you have been beaten down enough to make you feel like its sort of your fault, like your just a nagging headcase. Thats not true at all. In fact I suspect there are tons of guys that would feel lucky to be with you! That would treat you well all the time.

 

Basically I am just saying... please dont settle for a guy that is only good to you sometimes.

[emmaUK]

hmmmmmmm the truth hurts

[emmaUK]

HELP

 

he just text me and asked if he could take me out to lunch on sunday cpz he will mis me so much when we are apart.

 

normaly he'd get here friday nite or saturday morning and stay till sunday nite or early monday morning.

 

do u think i should accept lunch

[Cobra_X30]

HELP

 

he just text me and asked if he could take me out to lunch on sunday cpz he will mis me so much when we are apart.

 

normaly he'd get here friday nite or saturday morning and stay till sunday nite or early monday morning.

 

do u think i should accept lunch

 

Nope! Give it some time before you jump right back in with him!

 

Rollercoasters are fun, but eventually you get a little too old for the ride! and it sounds like your getting motion sick anyway!

[kymberann]

NO! you have already laid out your boundaries! Stick to them. If you don't then he will know there is wiggle room between what you say/said and do. He will know he can test the waters.

Do you want that?

[jcster]

Well, you have to assume that he wont change. Maybe he will stay off the stuff for 6 months... then relapse. You seem to be blaming his bad behavior on the drugs. This may not be 100% the case, I think you should really take a step back and evaluate him as a person. You cant change him, and you dont seem happy with this yo-yo style relationship.

 

I have to say, I think the whole "nasty while coming down from pot" excuse is pretty lame. Abuse is abuse, and even if he feels a little anxiety and headache, it's no excuse for abusive behavior. At the very least, you must stick firmly to your boundaries, and don't give in an inch until he stops for good. Unfortunately, I don't think that quitting pot is going to help - you really should decide what you plan to do in that instance.

[emmaUK]

its ok. i have text him and told i thanks for the lovely offer but i have to be strong and stand up for what i know is true.

[emmaUK]

i have never had the gutw to do anything like this in my life before in any relationships coz i dont want to feel the pain of mising them.

 

i cant beleive i am doing this... i sont know were my assertiveness came from.

 

i miss him, i love him

[kymberann]

It is quite appropriate to tell him no thanks, like I have said the R is over until you have kicked the weed.

Call it what it is!

[Cobra_X30]

i have never had the gutw to do anything like this in my life before in any relationships coz i dont want to feel the pain of mising them.

 

i cant beleive i am doing this... i sont know were my assertiveness came from.

 

i miss him, i love him

 

 

Your doing this because you Love yourself... and missing him is nothing compared to the pain he can inflict when he is with you!

 

I'm telling you right now he will probably lay low then desperately try to ramp up the communication as he starts thinking that he is losing you. Be ready and stay strong.

 

I'm telling you Emma... there are guys who are so much better! You may not believe me, or think you deserve better... but its true... and you do!

[halfarock]

I’ve been round pot and pot smokers for most my life. Abusive behavior is not characteristic of pot smoking. I’ve known violent, abrasive people who became really nice, charming people when under the influence of marijuana, but never the other way around. My guess is that even if you are successful at getting him to stop smoking weed that there will still be times when he will be abusive towards you.

[Cobra_X30]

I’ve been round pot and pot smokers for most my life. Abusive behavior is not characteristic of pot smoking. I’ve known violent, abrasive people who became really nice, charming people when under the influence of marijuana, but never the other way around. My guess is that even if you are successful at getting him to stop smoking weed that there will still be times when he will be abusive towards you.

 

Ive seen pot cause paranoia... However I think you are spot on here. The pot probably keeps him from bieng abusive... not the other way around. Note how she states he gets bad when he is coming down off the high!

[emmaUK]

i disagree with u both. when he gave up befpre he totaly changed. he no longer got irritable n snappy.