lovestoned Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Hi everyone, I'm new to this community cause none of my friends can really understand how I'm dealing with this long distance relationship. Here's a brief history on my bf and me.. it will be two years in 10 days. we've had a few bumps in the road. i feel like i'm the saving the relationship everytime. he's studying in st kitts to become a vet. ok so here's what happened.. he's been away for about a month now, and i trusted him enough to not go out and cheat on me. i knew that he could trust me because i'm simply in love with him. i dont make the relationship hard, i jsut get upset because sometimes he doesnt give me enough attention. but lately, i had a gut feeling something was up.. i got into his facebook (without him knowing, i know i was sneaky and it's wrong) but i found out that he's been talking to his ex again! his ex has butted before, but this is just wrng! in the last message she left him, she said that she "really loves him" i should have waited for him to reply.. but.. i confronted the situation, we argued. he tried turning the tables on me..saying that i shouldnt have been so sneaky. but hey i caught him in action? he wasnt gonna tell me about their conversttaion..i even knew that.. i still have my doubts. i'm upset and dont know what to do. i just dont know how he can regain my trust. sometimes i feel like he doesnt love me, and wants to make sure that i'm not touched by another guy so is with me.. does he love me ?? idk. i wish things were just easier..
birdie Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 you need something a bit more concrete than some silly ex sending messages like that.
Krytellan Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 If you snoop hard enough you can always find some tidbit of information that, out of context, can justify whatever you want to think. If you want to think he's cheating, by all means keep snooping. Every other message from another person can be construed to be something it isn't. If you need to snoop in his facebook, just do the guy a favor and break up with him. You obviously have trust issues. I talk to one of my ex's. All through my marriage, through hers, through her surgeries, through her good times. Not once have I even considered running off to cheat with her. When you snooped you set yourself up for drama that likely doesn't exist. Enjoy.
Beauty28 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Krytellan you said what I was gonna say. But yep. I agree. When you snoop you will always find something. The best thing to do is either Trust him or Break up with him. Who cares if his ex still loves him? That doesn mean that he loves her back. And Not to mention some people keep in touch with their ex's. Sometimes people make better friends than lovers (although it's hard and takes mature people) but I've found that there are just some people (ex's) that add a special dimension to my life and some don't. Don't be so insecure where that makes you crazy.
oppath Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I agree and I disagree. When my gut tells me something is up, it means something is up. This has never failed. What my gut won't tell me is WHAT IS UP. So without more detail about the messages exchanged with his ex, you could be way off base, though someone saying "I really love you" is a bit suspicious without more context. If the context is "good luck with vet schoo, I really love you, bye" then that is not so much problem. If it is "I really love you, I miss you and still think about you all the time" then there is a problem, as his response to that should be "tough luck, I have a girlfriend, and I need you to stop professing your love for me because we are over." So you snooped. I am not going to hang you out to dry and say you have trust issues and you are at fault. Something is up, you just don't know what. Reflect on your feelings and your needs. In what ways are your needs not being met? How does that make you feel? What would make you feel differently? Communicate those needs and feelings to your boyfriend. I have no doubt he is doing things to make you feel insecure, but if you can't tell him how things hurt you, or what would make you really happy, then he can't correct them.
Beauty28 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Lovestoned, sorry I didn't mean that you were insecure but if you can't trust him you might be. But then again, maybe he is just someone who is untrustworthy (in that case he wouldn't be worth it). Oppath makes a valid point about listening to your gut. Also about communicating with him. But now he is accusing you of being a snoop. He shouldn't really be all that mad unless he has something to hide.
oppath Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Most often when someone is labeled as insecure or jealous there is a rational basis for it, their partner doing something to create those feelings by not validating their feelings or needs. A little jealousy and insecurity are ok, in fact a little jealous is HEALTHY in a committed relationship. They are slippery slopes though, and you can take jealousy or insecurity too far. But partners who won't validate you often push you further down that slope, and their excuse is "you're just insecure" when in reality they are doing hurtful things to you and do not validate your feelings or correct their behaviors. If my gf expressed uncharacteristic anger at me or acts jealous, my first instinct is to find out "what's up? Why are you feeling this way?" Chances are something is going on in her life that is difficult for her, or I did or said something (or didn't do something) that really bothered her. I'll defend myself AFTER I've validated her feelings and agreed with something she said. I won't act like I'm hiding anything. If my gut says something is up, without fail, something is up.
Beauty28 Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Most of the time I would say that you should never wait for someone else to validate you. However oppath, I think you've touch on something there though. If your in a relationship, and someone is lead to believe that something is up, it usually is the responsibility of your signifigant other to let you know the truth, then you can start to trust. I believe trust is earned and you should trust noone unless someone gives you a reason to.
oppath Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 What I mean by validation is to validate feelings. If my SO says something that offends me, or their behavior is disrespectful, I need that validated, that they understand why what they said hurt or bothered me. It's called empathy, and its called giving your partner visibility.
FrequentFlyer Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Some good advice/comments have been posted. I also think the comments can be taken out of context, and more information is needed. Maybe it's me, but viewing someone's facebook or my space page? We live in an age where people want exposure (if they are going on facebook or my space). If you post on there, it's open game. Maybe I misunderstood what the OP wrote. Now, having said all that, I think my space is the worst thing ever. Nothing good ever came of it.
DOA Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I'm the only one who probably thinks this, but I think that's a shonky thing for your bf to do, to keep his ex around while you two are in an LDR. If anything, LDRs should make it more clear than not the vulnerability each of you are under because of the constant loneliness of not having your partner conveniently there with you 24/7. And having an ex around when you're like that is just asking for trouble.
Izzy B Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Forget the supposed ex communicado, this man simply isn't in love with you. I read all these messages all the time about the woman "saving the relationship" "initiating everything to keep the relationship going" (Greencove).....it doesn't sound like he's really in the relationship emotionally whatsoever when women state this and it makes me sad that they're settling. If you are always the one "saving" the relationship, it is very one sided and believe me, he would be gone if you wouldn't be making any drastic efforts to save things because he just is ambivalent. Leave this man and find one who loves you who wants to be with you and who makes an equal effort.
Author lovestoned Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 these comments are all good.. i mean now with him away i feel more pressure to not trust him. it's just hard cause we've been together for so long, and you sympathize with everything.. i guess i'm a lil confused with whether or not i should stick through this LDR or let go =(
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