JNLVegas Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I have been involved with a MM for 10 months, we finally announced our love for each other 2 monthes ago. He and his wife had been have very serious problems for 2 years, way before i even met him. Well i guess they finally decided to call it quits, he wants a divorce it has very little to do with me, they had alot of bad between them. They have 2 kids ages 11 and 13. They are taking it very hard. I asked him if he needed time away from me to sort things out. He said that would be nice, I really dont want to be an influence in his divorce. Did I do the right thing to give him time and space? I love him and I miss him so much. I have not had any contact with him for 4 days and it's killing me. He has not reached out to me either. How long should I wait? He did not say he wanted to break things off with me, just that he needed some time. How much time? I am going crazy...I am married too, but I have had very serious problems in my marriage for the past 5 years, yes I am ready to leave my husband. Just can't do it fianacially right now. But if push comes to shove I will leave with my teen daughter and live with my parents (god help me). How long before I give up hope?
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I have been involved with a MM for 10 months, we finally announced our love for each other 2 monthes ago. He and his wife had been have very serious problems for 2 years, way before i even met him. Well i guess they finally decided to call it quits, he wants a divorce it has very little to do with me, they had alot of bad between them. They have 2 kids ages 11 and 13. They are taking it very hard. I asked him if he needed time away from me to sort things out. He said that would be nice, I really dont want to be an influence in his divorce. Did I do the right thing to give him time and space? I love him and I miss him so much. I have not had any contact with him for 4 days and it's killing me. He has not reached out to me either. How long should I wait? He did not say he wanted to break things off with me, just that he needed some time. How much time? I am going crazy...I am married too, but I have had very serious problems in my marriage for the past 5 years, yes I am ready to leave my husband. Just can't do it fianacially right now. But if push comes to shove I will leave with my teen daughter and live with my parents (god help me). How long before I give up hope? Has little to do with you? I doubt he would have left her if he wasn't sure someone else was just waiting on the other side of the fence... Don't kid yourself.. he knows you will leave your H... He said he wants time alone... of course he does... he knows you're there, waiting for him... Sorry if I sound harsh... but I think you're in for a painful ride... He hasn't contact you in 4 days... ha-hem... methink... you're not his priority. How long should you wait? Till All Mighty MM is ready my dear...
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Yes you did the right thing. Let him contact you, don't contact him. Last thing he needs to deal with is your hurt feelings, hearing how much you miss him. I don't mean that as harshly as that reads, but his focus HAS to be on his kids and helping them through this divorce. Does your husband know you want out of the marriage? Just wondering. Also, what if your MM changes his mind, and his wife decides she doesn't want to divorce, and together they want to fix things, give it a good last shot FOR the kids sake. Can you accept that IF he chooses to stay with his wife? If you want out of your marriage, why would you have to move out to your mom's and leave your daughter behind? Do you think your husband will cut you off? Does he know about your affair?
sb129 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I am reading a book at the moment called "Getting rid of matthew" by jane Fallon. It is about an OW who, when he MM FINALLY leaves his W for her after 4 years, decides she actually doesn't want him after all. As an exOW, I can relate to so many of the funny little things in the book... its hilarious... and very similar to my story. once I got the MM.... he no longer seemed that attractive...
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 That's the thing. BOTH of you have been cheating on your spouses...Honestly, how do you fully trust eachother? Neither of you could stay faithful with the person you said vows to, had children with, so what is the actual 'glue' that will make this MM and you stay happy and together? I'm not judging, just asking a very simple question.
Lyssa Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 If you want out of your marriage, why would you have to move out to your mom's and leave your daughter behind? If I'm not mistaken I think she said, she will leave with her daughter...
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Oops, I misread that. Thanks for pointing that out to me.
Author JNLVegas Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 My husband and I have spoken of divorce, he is all for it. We just can not get along. We have been separated before, and got back. Things just are not working. We have tried counseling and vacation etc nothing. There is just no chemistry or desire left. We have not had sex in 2 years and 4 mths. Its over. I am in love with OMM and he said he is in Love with me. I know he needs time and space to settle things at home. He does not want his kids to hate him or go through more heartache than needed because of his leaving. If they find out about me so soon it would kill them. I understand. They have alot of property no prenup, so it will take a while to sort things out. Should I at least text him to see how he is doing, or just keep being patient? it has been 4 days no contact, its killing me.
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I asked him if he needed time away from me to sort things out. He said that would be nice Let him contact you. He has nothing to give to you at all right now and probably would be easier on him if you didn't contact him. If you want your relationship with him to start off properly, do not contact him. Keep busy, spend time with your daughter, go out with some girl friends and live your life.
Tomcat33 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I think giving space is good, I don't agree that you should cut all contact with him. Why would you do that? Are you trying to end it with him or just give him some breathing room to think? Contact once in a while to see how things progress is crucial to your own progress and emotional health. Otherwise what do you do pull away for 6months to give him space and put your life on hold while he decides whatever he decides? Forget that, your time is worthy too. I say break up and to each their own OR cut the contact to very minimal allowing him time to sort his stuff out but keeping you in the loop somehow, that's what anyone who is serious about pursuing the new rel. would do, to consider their new partner to be.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I got to this point with my MM, but when divorce was on the cards and the kids got involved, it just became too hard, too scary. Has your MM given you any kind of timescale? I think if two people are in love, really in love, that has to include trust, transparency and honesty. I dont necessarily agree with the "How will you ever trust each other?" line, trust is a choice. Saying that, have you had the timescale discussion with your MM? Is he on board with when you leave your H? Have you set plans for the future? Is your MM definitely not just giving his M one last shot? Because by not contacting you AT ALL, aren't you sat waiting to see what is going to happen? Where is the transparency?
woe_is_me Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I am reading a book at the moment called "Getting rid of matthew" by jane Fallon. It is about an OW who, when he MM FINALLY leaves his W for her after 4 years, decides she actually doesn't want him after all. As an exOW, I can relate to so many of the funny little things in the book... its hilarious... and very similar to my story. once I got the MM.... he no longer seemed that attractive... that's amazing sb129 ..i was thinking just yesterday maybe that's why my xmm never made his break ..maybe he was one step ahead of me and knew that my not wanting him when i finally got him was a possibilty... he knew i was used to getting what i wanted too.. shrewd boy that one...
Author JNLVegas Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 I am not trying to end it with him, just dont want him or his kids to blame me if we are seeing each other while he is going through his divorce. I guess I can wait then see him when he is really available. I know he is going through hell right now, so are his kids. I love him, I don't want him to hurt. I dont want to be an extra thing for him to have on his mind while he is taking care of things at home. I want him to do things the right way, so does he. Just don't know how long that will take. He said he just needs time for things to settle down.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I am not trying to end it with him, just dont want him or his kids to blame me if we are seeing each other while he is going through his divorce. I That's smart, because they will blame you and probably will hate you for causing the divorce...even if you didn't really cause it. They won't see it that way, and neither will his wife, or the courts for that matter.
frannie Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Hello JNLV, yes I think you're doing the right thing in giving him the space he requested. It is said by those who've gone through it that the actual divorce process is the hardest part of the affair, when the relationship is tested right to snapping point. And like someone posted above, often doesn't survive. There's just so much stress all round, on everyone. There's a really good other OW forum out there that you might be able to find by googling. Not allowed to post urls here. But it has a Surviving Divorce forum (specifically for OW going through this stage) and lots of advice. The best of which is to sit tight, let him go through what he has to go through, and most importantly keep YOURSELF sane. Keep your mind off it, and TRY to detach from the outcome. There's also a book you can find by googling, called Surviving Your Boyfriend's Divorce, which might help you to focus. Best of luck.
justfine Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 JNLV... What are your plans for the future? Are you hoping your MM marries you soon after?
BubblesKittyShed Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 JNLV... What are your plans for the future? Are you hoping your MM marries you soon after? From reading all your posts, do you honestly believe JNLV will let you in on her plans???? NOT!!!!!!
Author JNLVegas Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Well it has been about 3 weeks since he requested time and space. We have talked briefly, he is at home, but on the couch. Don't know how the divorce is going, i guess pretty ugly, she is going after his retirement and house, car,kids...everything. It's ugly. We had lunch 2 days ago but it was worked related and there was other people with us. The only sign I got that he is still interested in me is him touching my knee with his knee. We did talk on the phone and he did tell me he missed me but we could not show any affection as we were not alone and his wife probably has a PI on him. Not just that one of his biggest enemies at work was there with us, just looking to see what move he might make to write about in the trash blog in his city. He holds a high law enforcement position and the reprucssions would be devestating to his career. How much longer should I wait. He has called a couple of times, but we just spoke like nothing has happened, he did say it was very hard for him to not be with me. I am just super confused, but dont want to push him, how much should i wait?
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I think this guy is toying with you, he's still on the couch?? what kind of excuse is that? Why dont u just outright ask him? And also do you really think that he told you the truth about his wife? if it is so bad how come he hasnt moved out reguardless of the kids. Something is fishy with the thing.
Author JNLVegas Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 From what I understand if people at work know of his impending divorce it will hurt his career. He is next in line for a promotion, this might hinder that because she is very vindictive. He is trying to do it the right way by his kids and try and make the split amicable. His kids are taking it very hard. He can't let his family know (other than his brothers) his parents are elderly and very opposed to a family breaking up. It can't be easy for him, its only been 3 weeks. I am not trying to make excuses for him, i am just trying to put myself in his shoes. But I do agree, he does need to tell me where I stand. But I am afraid if I ask him, he might just see me as an added extra variable he wont be able to handle. I am going crazy.
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I think you should actually tell him goodbye. Atleast for now. You 'waiting' and wondering if 3 weeks is enough, or how much longer you need to wait is going to drive you crazy. This man's life is a mess. IF he does divorce, you cannot be ANYWHERE near him otherwise HE will lose alot. You need to focus on you, let him sort out his life. Keep busy, be with friends and family. Sorry to say this, but if he really wants a divorce he'll just DO IT. To me, it does sound like he's giving you afew lines to keep you hanging. The couch, the she's evil and gonna go after everything...He may or may not be lying, I guess time will tell. Sorry if I upset you by saying this, it's just that after reading sooooo many threads so similar to yours, it's very rare the MM divorces his wife.
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 From what I understand if people at work know of his impending divorce it will hurt his career. This is pure crap! Why do you need HIM to tell you where you stand? Figure it out yourself. What I mean by that is - REMOVE yourself from his life UNTIL he is a free man. IF he does divorce, he will need time to sort out everything between the house, the kids, finances...Child support etc...You can't be part of that at all. By leaving him alone, temporarily saying goodbye is a better way for you two to start off a relationship in the future. If you stick around, there is drama, there is confusion, there is a very good chance that you'll just stay the OW in his life. Sorry, but I don't believe for a second what he's been telling you about his job, his wife interferring etc. You gotta remember too, this man is a liar! He's lied to his wife, betrayed his whole family - Don't fool yourself into believing he wouldn't lie to you.
Author JNLVegas Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 I wish I could just walk away so easy. But I am in love with him.
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I wish I could just walk away so easy. But I am in love with him. Yes, I know you love him. But, there's a real good chance that his wife loves him too and things may not be as bad as he's made it seem. He's made his wife out to be a complete freak, bad temper and an awful person. Uhmm, HE MARRIED this woman, had children with her. People just don't up and change into awful people all of sudden. IF she has changed, it's probably because she's realized something isn't right and he denies having an affair. And, by doing so, he may make her feel crazy and foolish for thinking of such a thing... Read IWALH's threads. Her MM lied to her big time. Led her on to believe things were really bad at home. Quite the opposite.
passionateconfusion Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I feel your pain JNL. I am going through something similar. The love of my life who has been seperated for 5 years is now trying to put the family back together for his kids sake, he doesn't love the wife but feels he 'has to try'. The NC is hard, very hard. I think about him everyday and pray for him everynight. He wanted space a few times in our relationship, I guess to figure things out and also because 'he wanted to miss me' - I never quite understood the wanting to miss me ... Anyways, it has been just over a week of NC - in that time friends from my past have resurfaced, I also saw a clairvoyant medium. I was able to find peace and re-confirm that in the NC and letting him do what he needs to he will figure things out. Until he/they figure things out he will not be yours in the way your want him to be. Take this time for you, to better yourself, reflect on what you really want. Listen to your gut and what it is telling you. If you are feeling anxious and unsettled then something is wrong. If you are a religious woman pray for peace - peace is of God. If it is meant to be give it time so when he/if comes back he will be yours.
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