justfine Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Like many of us here, for the past few months I've been on a rollercoaster of many painful emotions; sadness, despair, grief, anger, feelings of betrayal, are the ones that come to mind. I'm 44 years old and I've been married ten years. At the latter part of February, I went to a tennis tournament in Palm Springs California with a couple of buddies and stayed a couple of days. I had forgotten my house keys so I had to knock on the door at 10:00PM when I returned. My wife answered did not say a word and went directly to bed. I brushed my teeth and went to bed a half and hour later. I knew there was something wrong so I asked my wife, "what's wrong". She seemed quite irritable so I asked, "do you still love me?" She said, "I don't know". This sudden revelation frightened me death. I then asked her, "do you want to get a divorce?". She said no, I want to try and work on our marriage. So, I tried to be as attentive to her as possible, but, by the end of March, She decided she needed to move out to think. I pleaded w/her not to, but, she had made up her mind. I tried desperately to make her happy, but nonetheless, she moved out on April 15. From the day she decided to move until April 15, her emotions were also on a rollercoaster. Some days she would be happy, others, she would be moody. She was having an affair. Our history: My wife was actually the one who proposed marriage to me. We had been dating for about a year, things were going great, but, I wasn't particularly ready to take the plunge. I asked my mom what she thought of my GF and she liked her alot, so did my Dad. So I accepted her proposal. We got married, she moved in and we started on our journey. At the time, my STBX, was working as a dental assistant part time. Her earnings were modest, she drove an old Ford Probe, but, was and is hardworking and responsible. I'm a mortgage consultant and had been doing well. I owned my own home in a very nice neighborhood in So. Cal. Five years into our marriage, my wife decided to go back to school and become a dental hygienist. This requires a two year science degree from community college and dental hygiene school is a two year program. My wife wife worked a couple of days a week, and, it took her three years to get her science degree. She is an exceptional student and was accepted to Dental Hygiene school. Very difficult to be accepted. At her college, there are two hundred applicants and only 20 get accepted. She did not work while attending dental hygiene college. During our entire marriage, I was the primary wage earner. I bought her a Lexus and she said her fellow students were a bit envious. She graduated last Summer. The past three years have been very challenging for me business-wise. As you may have heard, the mortgage industry is currently in crisis. I had discussed with my wife the desire to change careers and go back to school. Because dental hygienists make approximately $100k in California, she would take over the financial responsibilites, while, I attended school for a couple of years to be an Ultra-Sound technologists. She agreed, then, balked. I was furious, heart-broken, sad, lonely and more. For the past four months, I've been dealing with all kinds of issues. Having to sell my home, going back to school, going to court to deal with divorce, etc. The good news is that the judge has awarded me, temporary spousal support, since my wife is making an excellent income, and mine has taken a nosedive. I was fortunate in that the judge was fair; many are biased against men. I'm pretty sure wifey was pretty upset with this sudden realization. She probably thought she was going to get off scott free. haha. Anyways... My wife has for many years, been very good friends with my Godmother, who is also my aunt, and with her daughters, my cousins. But because of our pending divorce, their relationship has been severely damaged due to her infidelity. At first, I rejoiced in their damaged relationship, but, now I'm saddened. You see, divorce hurts many people, not just the spouses. It affects many families and battle-lines are drawned. I've decided to go visit my Godmother/Aunty to tell her that I want her and my wife to remain friends. I'm also going to call my Mom today to tell her I forgive my wife for her infidelity. I'm trying to be more understanding for the sake of all our family members, hers and mine, others. My wife had turned 40 last Summer and I'm certain she was experiencing angst over getting older. My wife happens to be very pretty and petite, but, feared getting older. She had become obsessed with reading romance novels. She had about fifty on her side of the bed. I think this is what triggered her to become involved in an affair. In closing, I have accepted the fact that as humans, we are all fallible. I've decided to forgive my wife and will tell my family members so that they, too, can forgive her. I hope that someday, we can be friends again. She's quite a terrific person and we enjoyed being with each other for many years. However, nothing lasts forever. God wants me to forgive and so I will.
justice Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I think thats a very healthy way of looking at it. Just move on with your life and make new happiness. It can happen.
birdie Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Hi Justfine, it may not seem like it now but you are very lucky to have such a healthy and positive outlook on life. All the things that have happened to you recently would have crushed a lesser man.
sumdude Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Not forgiving it means reliving it... Mahatma Gandhi : The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. If we practice and eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole world will be blind and toothless. George Herbert : He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven.
Author justfine Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Thank you guys for the nice replies and support. My wife and I don't have any children; we were supposed to start once she graduated school, but, the logistics were not in place. Makes our divorce much less complicated. Compared to the many, much more difficult scenarios I've read about, ie. child custody battles, alimony, child support, etc., my divorce is, by comparison easy. I can only imagine how difficult life must be for those of you with greater challenges; I sincerely wish you the best. Good news... My cousin, much, much older, more like an uncle, insists that I come and stay with him, while, I'm attending school. He only lives a few minutes away from me which is great; I love my neighborhood! He has been living apart from his wife for a few years so he lives alone in a big, four bedroom home with pool, jacuzzi, very nice. He sleeps in the downstairs bedroom and never goes upstairs; I have the entire second floor to myself, sweet! So it looks like I'll be able to attend school, have a nice place to stay and study with no bills, no worries! I know I'm blessed and thank God everyday. To help raise my spirits, I've been going to the gym alot. I hope that once I finish school and begin my new career, I'll be datable. lol Trying to look my best and have something substantial to offer to attract a quality person. I'm also thankful for this website; it's great having the support of people who are experiencing similar situations to aid us heal. I wish you all a speedy recovery to your mind, body, and soul. I would offer this advice; Pray everyday and ask for help. Don't despair; things will really get better in time. Best of luck to you all.
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