CAT100 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Hey everyone. I was just wondering if any of you have a deadline approaching regards your MM/MW moving out/divorcing etc? If you do, how do you feel about it? What will happen if the deadline passes & nothing happened? Im just curious. I know some OW/OM dont want to be their MM/MW main partner & thats fine, this is just addressed to those who do want to be their MM/MWs main partner. Personally, my deadline is a while off- next summer. Im sure I will be nervous as hell as it approaches. If this deadline passes then Im quitting the R
lovelorcet Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Next summer is about a year away.... That is a pretty long time.
Author CAT100 Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Yes it is. This is due to him not currently being in the country as he is working abroad. He is due back next summer, so I am waiting till then as I cant ask him to live with me until he returns to the country in which I am living lol
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Hey everyone. I was just wondering if any of you have a deadline approaching regards your MM/MW moving out/divorcing etc? If you do, how do you feel about it? What will happen if the deadline passes & nothing happened? Im just curious. I know some OW/OM dont want to be their MM/MW main partner & thats fine, this is just addressed to those who do want to be their MM/MWs main partner. Personally, my deadline is a while off- next summer. Im sure I will be nervous as hell as it approaches. If this deadline passes then Im quitting the R I don't want my MM to leave his family...but IF there was a deadline... and this deadline passes and nothing happens.. well that wouldn't be hard.. it would be OVER... simple.
Author CAT100 Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 ^ Yep. I wrote a long thread about the whole thing a while back but basically he has kids & he will only be back in this country 1 week out of 4 whilst abroad, he doesnt think that this gives him enough time with the kids so he moved them & his W out with him.
lovelorcet Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 And you are seriously going to sit on your a$$ and wait a whole year for this man?
Author CAT100 Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 No actually Im going to complete my degree and start my career. I dont really like your tone, Ive made my decision & really, a stranger on an internet forum is not going to change my mind. Thanks for your concern though.. Can we just keep this thread relevant to the actual question? Im not going to be drawn into a long conversation about my own circumstances, thanks
woe_is_me Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Hey everyone. I was just wondering if any of you have a deadline approaching regards your MM/MW moving out/divorcing etc? If you do, how do you feel about it? What will happen if the deadline passes & nothing happened? Im just curious. I know some OW/OM dont want to be their MM/MW main partner & thats fine, this is just addressed to those who do want to be their MM/MWs main partner. Personally, my deadline is a while off- next summer. Im sure I will be nervous as hell as it approaches. If this deadline passes then Im quitting the R There are no deadlines.. physically maybe..and it won't be you who chooses when honey....emotionally..you're screwed forever and a day (if you let yourself be) ..sorry to sound harsh but that's how it is:o
Author CAT100 Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 ^ Ok I disagree with this but everyone is entitled to their opinion. Really I just wanted this thread to be about the question asked & not a 'lets bash cat & tell her negative things about her situation' type thing. Ive had enough already thanks & as previously stated Im not about to change my mind so whats the point telling me stuff Ive heard a million times before?
woe_is_me Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 ^ Ok I disagree with this but everyone is entitled to their opinion. Really I just wanted this thread to be about the question asked & not a 'lets bash cat & tell her negative things about her situation' type thing. Ive had enough already thanks & as previously stated Im not about to change my mind so whats the point telling me stuff Ive heard a million times before? Sorry, i tried to give a relevant answer and in no way did i want to just 'gang up' with anyone and tell you stuff that you know is only falling on deaf ears.. i was just telling you 'my' opinion.. I've been where you are and i did hang on every little word he said... it's just that in the end his actions spoke much much louder than his words... I'm not saying it won't work out for you ..just that it doesn't work out for most and you will most probably see why... try not to waste too much of your time and life on him.. i hope you find someone much nicer and worthy of the love you have to give....btw i LOVE cats your avatar is beautiful ...!
Author CAT100 Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Im sorry woe_is_me, I am probably a little oversensitive I guess Ive just felt that initially when I joined here it would be support for someone that has made the decision to be the OW, and advice on how to deal with it. However I have felt that in the main I just get told the whole 'doom & gloom' thing about how Im so stupid/naive/being told lies/its never going to work etc etc.... & its got to me a bit. I do know what most of the time it doesnt work out. But it does sometimes. And I have a very strong belief that it will do for me. I would just rather people to accept this is my decision & just try to help/support the decision Ive made. And if they cant do that Id rather they didnt say anything to me at all. This is not directed at you btw- Im just venting in general! I didnt mean to bite your head off, sorry Thanks for the avatar compliment- I love cats too!
woe_is_me Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Im sorry woe_is_me, I am probably a little oversensitive I guess Ive just felt that initially when I joined here it would be support for someone that has made the decision to be the OW, and advice on how to deal with it. However I have felt that in the main I just get told the whole 'doom & gloom' thing about how Im so stupid/naive/being told lies/its never going to work etc etc.... & its got to me a bit. I do know what most of the time it doesnt work out. But it does sometimes. And I have a very strong belief that it will do for me. I would just rather people to accept this is my decision & just try to help/support the decision Ive made. And if they cant do that Id rather they didnt say anything to me at all. This is not directed at you btw- Im just venting in general! I didnt mean to bite your head off, sorry Thanks for the avatar compliment- I love cats too! That's okay .. a lot of us made the decision to be the OW...and what shocked me when i first came here (i don't know if you've read my first posts) is how many of us had this 'very strong belief' that 'we were different' and that 'our A' was somehow stronger and more truer than all the others.... I would've done well to have found this site long before he tried to reignite the 'A'.. because as it was ..i did still hold a flame for him...and had no idea how to deal with any of my emotions upon his calling out of the blue... Maybe lots of OW are cat lovers... soft, caring, vulnerable, honest and unassuming... perfect prey for the mm on the prowl... I respect and accept your decision to wait for him! I just feel that cheating married men dont know the meaing of the word 'respect' I don't even know that my xmm won't rear his ugly head again sometime in the future...chances are though because his wife found out..i've hopefully heard the last from him..
Author CAT100 Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 I havent read your first posts but I will do so tomorrow. Have to go to bed now (its 11:20pm UK time & I need my beauty sleep lol) Thank you for your kind words. Although I really do believe in my relationship, I am also extremely scared at times. I stress about it every day in some way or other. What keeps me strong, apart from talking to him, is that I have a deadline in my head, & I think I am strong enough to end it if the deadline passes. He has said to me that on my next birthday Ill be waking up in our new house & I have told him that if this is not the case then he will not be waking up with me ever again. And I do seriously mean it. In the meantime all I can do is get on with my own life, further my career, keep busy with friends etc so that if it all goes wrong at least I will have a support network & job & financial independence to fall back on. At least I wont have been sat on my a$$ (as another poster put it) with nothing in my life apart from him. I will read all your posts tomorrow & thanks again for the support x
OpenBook Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Maybe lots of OW are cat lovers... soft, caring, vulnerable, honest and unassuming... perfect prey for the mm on the prowl... And mysterious, independent as h*ll, saucy, mind of their own, nobody but NOBODY bosses a CAT around!! I hope that no matter what happens with your MM, that you NEVER give up these fabulous feline qualities. In the meantime all I can do is get on with my own life, further my career, keep busy with friends etc so that if it all goes wrong at least I will have a support network & job & financial independence to fall back on. At least I wont have been sat on my a$$ (as another poster put it) with nothing in my life apart from him. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!! Although (like a cat) you should always feel free to sit on your @ss whenever you damn well please.
lovelorcet Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Sorry, i tried to give a relevant answer and in no way did i want to just 'gang up' with anyone and tell you stuff that you know is only falling on deaf ears.. i was just telling you 'my' opinion.. I've been where you are and i did hang on every little word he said... it's just that in the end his actions spoke much much louder than his words... I'm not saying it won't work out for you ..just that it doesn't work out for most and you will most probably see why... try not to waste too much of your time and life on him.. i hope you find someone much nicer and worthy of the love you have to give....btw i LOVE cats your avatar is beautiful ...! In my some what blunt tone this was the point I was trying to get at by asking those questions. The whole idea of a "deadline" is just pointless as far as I can see it. Actions speak louder than words, if someone really wants to be with you then that is what they will do. If they just want to use you for a side dish of whatever, than that is what they will do as well.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 In a way, I agree with Love Lorcet in some points. There is no point in giving another person a deadline. You have to give yourself one. One that is just for you, that isn't discussed with your MM. One where you think "At that point in time I will end the R for me as I will be no longer able to wait longer for our R to evolve." I did give myself a deadline which he did not know of and he seperated before it. He remained seperated for 9 months. He started to give himself deadlines, moving houses, new jobs etc. I didn't involve myself in them. Then divorce was on the cards, upset children, house moves, depressed W. It all got too much and he returned to his M to work on it. I encouraged him to do that because I gradually realised that without him knowing he did everything he could to make his M work, we would never work as a result. So I'm back to giving myself a deadline, again my deadline isn't for him, it's for me. They do work Cat, as long as the responsibility and onus of the deadline is on you and no-one else. And as long as you're sure you have the tenacity to follow through on your promises to yourself, because otherwise you may as well slowly let your own self-belief in your actions fade away.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Sorry to say, but it's also completely pointless to set a 'deadline' when your married man LIED TO YOU FROM DAY ONE and told you he was available when he WASN'T. It probaby doesn't help, either, when he's considerably OLDER than you and is simply enjoying taking a dip in the Fountain of Youth while promising the moon. Sorry, but old guys love young stuff. That's why it's been 5 years and NOTHING has happened. Nor will it. Just sayin'.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I can tell you what its like from the other side: Having a deadline imposed on you does nothing but make you resentful. People who do not want to choose, generally are not too happy being put in a position where they have to do so particularly for something as big as leaving your family/children. Feelings get really dark toward the end. Thoughts, doubts and sometimes irrational assumptions make their way to the forefront of your mind. The closer the deadline comes, the more you feel that dark twist in your guts knowing that the day is coming where you have to sit your wife and kids down and tell them you are leaving. In spite of whatever BS has done to enrich or help your life, or help you succeed - you are thanking them by leaving them for someone else. Regardless of what a joy your children are to your life, you have to demote yourself down to a part time parent - and you dread the idea that your kids might just have it in their mind that they weren't good enough to make you want to stay. You wonder what your family will think - will your own parents be embarrassed to know they raised the sort of man/woman who will do such a thing? You wonder what your peers will think - will they side with the BS and end up hating you? When you try to introduce OW/OM into your life, will your family and friends end up hating that person for being a "homewrecker"? What if they don't accept that person at all? Then there is the financial aspect. How much of a hit are your finances going to take through alimony and child support? Will OW/OM resent knowing that a cut of the shared money will go to support the BS and the kids and doing so means that MM/MW and OW/OM will likely have to do without on a lot of stuff because of having to pay out settlements each month? You also wonder if your new relationship can even work - after all, its not like you were living with them and fully committed physically and emotionally. What happens if you make that transition, and OM/OW turns out not to be right for you at all? You will have thrown away an otherwise comfortable existence, for nothing. Can you blame someone for not wanting to be backed into a corner where they have to really consider this stuff, instead of giving you the impression that they are thinking of it, while planning on staying married? It hard enough considering that stuff without a deadline, much less having to do it on someone else's timeline. It may not seem so bad now, because your MM has a year. Its very easy not to be worried about it when its a year away. He can even afford to be reassuring to you, and give you hope that he will follow through. I can guarantee you though, that as that deadline gets closer you'll start hearing a lot less reassuring things, as he makes an effort to distance himself so that he doesn't have to make the choice. Isn't this the guy who can't go even a few weeks without having his wife and kids by his side, and moved them to be with him because he missed them so much? You think that will change in a year, or at all? Not too likely. You'd be better off spending your 'deadline' time setting the deadline for when you will walk out of his life on your own, because I seriously doubt he's going to walk out of his - deadline or no deadline.
frannie Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Hey everyone. I was just wondering if any of you have a deadline approaching regards your MM/MW moving out/divorcing etc? If you do, how do you feel about it? What will happen if the deadline passes & nothing happened? Im just curious. I know some OW/OM dont want to be their MM/MW main partner & thats fine, this is just addressed to those who do want to be their MM/MWs main partner. Personally, my deadline is a while off- next summer. Im sure I will be nervous as hell as it approaches. If this deadline passes then Im quitting the R I don't really have a deadline, no. Neither for myself or for him. The reasons for this are, firstly, that I've read enough stories from OW and from the other side (infidelity forums, etc.) to know that marriages don't end on the timetable of anyone. Not even the people who want out of it, much much less on a timetable to suit an OP. Secondly, that MM and I already tried TWO deadlines, and not only did he not leave, but I didn't quit the relationship either. So... I can't see a point in having a deadline exactly, personally speaking. Of course there are affair situations where the OP would be best off out of it if their personal deadlines are reached. I've seen a few OW quit the affair after MM didn't leave when he said he would. Can't remember her name now but one woman who was in France last year..? But I think this is fairly rare. I think most 'deadlines' for the OW basically are: when you get sick and tired of it. And you can no longer believe in him. And you can no longer see a future. I can't say that it's possible to know that a year in advance (or any other time in advance, really). So... I will be out of the affair either when he leaves, or when I lose faith in him... whichever is the sooner (and I'm guessing the latter!)
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