emotionally overwhelmed

[angel v]

i feel totally devasted and shattered. i've read a couple of other threads, and wonder how on earth people get thru this

 

we had a beautiful 7 year relationship, then just after the birth of my 2nd child (after i'd been having postnatal depression for a month), he announced he wanted to be single and free. i took this news very hard, i was already struggling with a 2nd baby alone. (he travels interstate a lot-musician). he continued to semi-live at home (in a caravan), we talked a lot, and on and off he was very willing to work things out, do counselling etc. i blame myself a lot for not doing more then. i was focused a lot on being a mum and supporting a dying friend. overall it was very confusing though, as he was saying he definitely wants out and that's that, yet he continued to live with us, and never moved his things out. his position in our conversations varied quite a bit, as did mine.

 

the past 2 weeks have been scary for me. it has dawned on me that he has been lying over the past few months about a girl he is in love with. i knew about her but he lied when i asked. this has happened before but he's always been totally open and honest, and we could talk about it. even when i said i knew, he refused to talk about it.

 

we were best friends for so long, he has always been the one i turned to when i needed help or to talk, and vice versa. now he is a total stranger, he says he doesn't love me anymore and never really did.

 

we have had a couple of times recently we were able to let go of the negativity and talk & listen to each other for a few hours, it was so great. but i have shared so much, been honest about how things are going, and now he is saying i am reacting ridiculously, an unfit mother etc, because i have been experiencing depression, a lot of crying, and suicidal thoughts over the past year, particularly the past 2 weeks. he says i am just saying those things to manipulate him. i feel devastated. for so many years we have supported each other thru so much, and shared everything, how can this happen? i don't understand how he can suddenly be so uncompassionate, uncaring, and cruel?

 

i can't stop crying, day and night. i feel like i am having constant night terrors, even in the day. not eating much, barely sleeping(partly due to emotion, partly the baby : ) ). is this something everyone goes thru? i want so much to get away, find some support and sanity away from him (he is a well known musician here) and get through this, but of course he wants to see the children every couple of days. he has been a perfect father for 6 years (though he did travel a lot), and of course now he wants to take the children for the day and even nights and this freaks me out. he is suddenly a stranger to me, i don't feel i trust him, and my 18 month old has never had a whole day away from me yet, let alone a whole night too. the thought of this new young girl being in a parental position to my children freaks me out. even the thought of her with my partner freaks me out.

 

i don't know how to deal with his visits, i either cry through it or get really angry. and i'm scared if i say no he will try to take them away, or report me as being incapable etc. despite what i've said, i know am a wonderful mum, everyone we know comments on that, and all the energy i have left over after this nightmare goes to playing with /caring for them.

 

thanks for giving me a space to air this. i guess i really want to know this grief and terror may end soon, and how i can facilitate that. really, even though it has been a year since he first mentioned separation, it has only dawned on me this week that it is for real. till now i believed we would work it out. i feel so totally shattered. every thing in my life is intwined with his. i also have to move house and start working again soon.

 

maybe i am just too emotional? i notice some others on here have much more scary things to deal with than me. i think i am mostly overwhelmed as the 18 months since bub was born have been so challenging, every minute. i am exhausted emotionally.

[uniqueone]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine what it's like to go through this with a small child and have to suddenly have your child away from you for periods of time. That would just add to the pain. And then to know that the GF would be around the child too, I can totally see why you're feeling so low.

 

Don't let him see how seriously low you are though---you don't want him to use it against you. Aside from here, is there anyone there you can go to for help....counseling...antidepressants....assisting with childcare.....etc... I would definately look into it instead of trying to deal with this alone.

[KittenMoon]

For one, please don't feel you are over-reacting. You have two small children, post-partum depression, and the partner whom you have loved and trusted for a significant period of time has both lied to and left you. This is a a total upheaval of life.

 

The fact that he has the balls put you through this, then to treat you like you shouldn't be so upset and saying you are just doing it to manipulate him shows that he is either unable to grasp deep emotions, isn't really dealing with issues of his own, or is just a total douchebag. Probably a little of each.

 

Calling you an unfit mother is a threat, in my opinion. You need to cut off contact, except for picking up/dropping off kids, and not let him see you so upset- as said, he might try to use it against you. You should not let him into your life AT ALL except for day-to-day issues with the kids. Literally, no more than that. Do not talk to him, email him, etc etc.

 

I also advocate getting some medical help if you can. Therapy, definitely, if for no reason other than just to talk about it. Medication would probably be good too, to help you calm down from these night terrors, etc.

 

You have my deepest sympathies- these kind of stories make me feel sick, knowing there are people out there that would treat someone like this. But this is his failing, not yours.

[woodsfield]

that is one sorry man and is so wrong for doing this to you especially after the birth of a child...hard enough with a newborn with two parents let alone an extra child and no one to help. i feel for you.

 

you are devastated and are expressing your feelings openly and he tells you that your just doing it to make HIM feel bad....this guys sucks! i believe in no way are you overreacting or being too emotional. this is a traumatic situation. and moving and going back to work on top of that?!

 

you will perservere and dont worry about losing the kids. it may be different where you are (GB?), but for a women to lose custidy of her kids in the USA, she has to convict or give them up.

[angel v]

THANK YOU so much for your replies. i had a pretty ok day today, kept busy playing with children and sanding the bathroom walls (ready for painting). tonight though i started to get really panicky, my stomach feels so sick at the thought of all this. like when i was a small child & scared of going to school or something. i turned on the computer cos none of my friends were answering the phone, i am blessed to have some friends support and can call any time, but of course they are not always there or are busy with kids.

 

yes i know i need to express/show my feelings around others i trust, not him! that is so hard though. i am working on arranging childcare with friends, and am arranging outings/phone calls each day with friends i feel comfy with right now.

 

KITTEN MOON - ".....shows that he is either unable to grasp deep emotions, isn't really dealing with issues of his own..."

 

you are spot on with that, thankyou. he really is normally an intelligent, sensitive, awesome person. many people say that, not just me. what you said fits with something someone said to me yesterday - this friend knew us 10 years ago, and she commented that he'd had zero tolerance for people feeling depressed/strong emotions. And of course, he has latched onto a new girl to get thru this rather than deal with his issues - this is sad, because he has never been single in his adult life, and that was why he wanted to separate. but of course i can't judge his future! it really helps me to understand what is going on here though. that is a revelation to me, i am a very emotionally sensitive and expressive person, and he really struggles to understand and respect that.

 

thanks for the empathy, i reallly needed to hear that my feelings are valid.

 

i am in australia. i know he wouldn't gain total custody, but i know the authorities here like to place children in foster care if they have any reason to believe they could be in danger. as challenging as parenting can be, i would feel so much worse if they were taken away!

 

thank you again, you guys are awesome:)

[sb129]

For one, please don't feel you are over-reacting. You have two small children, post-partum depression, and the partner whom you have loved and trusted for a significant period of time has both lied to and left you. This is a a total upheaval of life.

 

I totally agree. This is a big deal, and you are reacting in a totally normal way. I

The fact that he has the balls put you through this, then to treat you like you shouldn't be so upset and saying you are just doing it to manipulate him shows that he is either unable to grasp deep emotions, isn't really dealing with issues of his own, or is just a total douchebag. Probably a little of each.

Again, bang on. However emotionally mature you think he is, ,he sounds cowardly, manipulative, and awfully selfish.

 

Calling you an unfit mother is a threat, in my opinion. You need to cut off contact, except for picking up/dropping off kids, and not let him see you so upset- as said, he might try to use it against you. You should not let him into your life AT ALL except for day-to-day issues with the kids. Literally, no more than that. Do not talk to him, email him, etc etc.

NC is the way to go, definitely. This will help you get your head around the situation. Many people who suffer PPD worry that they will be labelled an unfit mother. It simply isn't true, PPD is so common, yet people don't seek help often because of fear.

 

I also advocate getting some medical help if you can. Therapy, definitely, if for no reason other than just to talk about it. Medication would probably be good too, to help you calm down from these night terrors, etc.

Definitely. There are treatments available, and they really do help. One thing that you can start today is make sure your calcium intake is high enough, apparently this is very important and helps PPD.

 

You have my deepest sympathies- these kind of stories make me feel sick, knowing there are people out there that would treat someone like this. But this is his failing, not yours

True, true. You WILL get through this, even though it seems now that you won't. It will make you stronger.

 

Keep posting, keep to minimum contact with your ex, and LOOK AFTER YOURSELF.

[angel v]

THANK YOU so much for your replies. i had a pretty ok day today, kept busy playing with children and sanding the bathroom walls (ready for painting). tonight though i started to get really panicky, my stomach feels so sick at the thought of all this. like when i was a small child & scared of going to school or something. i turned on the computer cos none of my friends were answering the phone, i am blessed to have some friends support and can call any time, but of course they are not always there or are busy with kids.

 

yes i know i need to express/show my feelings around others i trust, not him! that is so hard though. i am working on arranging childcare with friends, and am arranging outings/phone calls each day with friends i feel comfy with right now.

 

KITTEN MOON - ".....shows that he is either unable to grasp deep emotions, isn't really dealing with issues of his own..."

 

you are spot on with that, thankyou. he really is normally an intelligent, sensitive, awesome person. many people say that, not just me. what you said fits with something someone said to me yesterday - this friend knew us 10 years ago, and she commented that he'd had zero tolerance for people feeling depressed/strong emotions. And of course, he has latched onto a new girl to get thru this rather than deal with his issues - this is sad, because he has never been single in his adult life, and that was why he wanted to separate. but of course i can't judge his future! it really helps me to understand what is going on here though. that is a revelation to me, i am a very emotionally sensitive and expressive person, and he really struggles to understand and respect that.

 

thanks for the empathy, i reallly needed to hear that my feelings are valid.

 

i am in australia. i know he wouldn't gain total custody, but i know the authorities here like to place children in foster care if they have any reason to believe they could be in danger. as challenging as parenting can be, i would feel so much worse if they were taken away!

 

thank you again, you guys are awesome:)

[angel v]

THANK YOU so much for your replies. i had a pretty ok day today, kept busy playing with children and sanding the bathroom walls (ready for painting). tonight though i started to get really panicky, my stomach feels so sick at the thought of all this. like when i was a small child & scared of going to school or something. i turned on the computer cos none of my friends were answering the phone, i am blessed to have some friends support and can call any time, but of course they are not always there or are busy with kids.

 

yes i know i need to express/show my feelings around others i trust, not him! that is so hard though. i am working on arranging childcare with friends, and am arranging outings/phone calls each day with friends i feel comfy with right now.

 

KITTEN MOON - ".....shows that he is either unable to grasp deep emotions, isn't really dealing with issues of his own..."

 

you are spot on with that, thankyou. he really is normally an intelligent, sensitive, awesome person. many people say that, not just me. what you said fits with something someone said to me yesterday - this friend knew us 10 years ago, and she commented that he'd had zero tolerance for people feeling depressed/strong emotions. And of course, he has latched onto a new girl to get thru this rather than deal with his issues - this is sad, because he has never been single in his adult life, and that was why he wanted to separate. but of course i can't judge his future! it really helps me to understand what is going on here though. that is a revelation to me, i am a very emotionally sensitive and expressive person, and he really struggles to understand and respect that.

 

thanks for the empathy, i reallly needed to hear that my feelings are valid.

 

i am in australia. i know he wouldn't gain total custody, but i know the authorities here like to place children in foster care if they have any reason to believe they could be in danger. as challenging as parenting can be, i would feel so much worse if they were taken away!

 

thank you again, you guys are awesome:)

[angel v]

sorry i've repeated that a bit...it kept saying i couldn't post so i tried again?

 

sb129 thanks for your support and confirmation of the suggestions, and yes i imagine if i ever get thru this i would have to be a hell of a lot stronger:)

[angel v]

"keep to minimum contact with your ex"

 

i read this last night & agreed, and felt supported from being here & like i didn't need to connect with him at all. right away, i received an email from him!

 

just what is 'minimum contact'??? we have children together. the 20month old is not used to being with him without me, for long. we have things to work out, to talk about. the past 3-4 days we have limited all contact to emailing. it is so hard to know where to draw the line with a person whom i have been sharing everything of myself with for 8 years. i would so much rather never see nor hear from him again. inside i am really yearning for him to be 'him' again, to hold me, to acknowledge me, love me. inside i love the 'him' i knew for 11 years. i don't know what 'minimum contact is', nor how to 'be' in relation to him. i KNOW he is incapable of understanding or respecting my emotions, but i AM emotional at the moment, and i struggle to speak with him for more than a few minutes without bursting into tears (if i hold them back it turns to anger).

 

i can manage the emailing, but in person is tricky. our children are young, and not used to all this. i so want us to all be able to spend time together. and even in emailing, it is so hard to not say too much, whatever too much is, i want to say so much and share so much. this is all so new and bewildering to me.

[sb129]

Minimum contact is necessary for the sake of the kids. If you didn't have children, I would say break ALL contact, and that includes saying all the things on your mind. Saying those things rarely achieves anything, and its unlikely to either make him show any remorse or want to get back with you.

 

So.. minimum contact means:

 

1. Talking to him about the children- NOT you, or your relationship, or your emotions.

2. Arranging for him to meet/ see the children.

 

I am so sorry if this sounds harsh, but it really is the best thing for you.

He hasn't respected your emotions- he cheated on you and is shacked up with someone else.

The guy you knew for 11 years is gone. I know its sad... but you need to think this way to keep yourself strong.

[JCD]

If he never really loved you then why string you along like this? He's such an idiot! Your story is heartbreaking and I wish you will find a better man.