kirikat Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I thought I was getting better - I really did. I got the help I needed, I have been taking care of myself... I have been working, spending time with friends, seeing a shrink, writing, spending time with my child... But, night comes, and he plagues my dreams. I'm embarrassed, because right now, the only thing I want in the world is for him to call me on the phone, and tell me he can't stand it, and needs to see me. I pray for this. I pray that all of a sudden his heart cracks, and all he wants is to be with me. I spend my days in magical thinking, and no matter how hard I push this away, meditate, tell myself that its over... I just want him back. I cry a lot. I am so lonely, and nothing I am doing is changing this. I know how much I am growing, spiritually --- but I dont care. I just want out of this nightmare, away from these obsessive thoughts.... Its been 35 days since I last saw him... and each day has been a nightmare. I want this done. I want to move on. I wish he would just drop dead, so hope would just die. My logical mind tells me clearly, he ain't the one. My body and my soul are screaming like a child "I want him - please please please please" - and I cannot seem to quiet thier voices. I thought this would be done by now. I had no idea that it would be like this, or I would never have ended it.... I would have just stayed, accepting crumbs from the table, because those crumbs were better than not having him at all.
angel v Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 oh kirikat ((((big hug)))) i don't know/understand your situation, & i think mine's a bit different, but i feel exactly the same. i don't have any answers, only empathy. every single night i dream of my soul mate, beautiful dreams, and every morning i awake in tears and dread, as he has left and he dreams of someone else. the worst is when i see him (he comes to visit children), and he acts like a stranger to me. it is so tough, after sharing intimacy, to be alone, and to know the intimacy won't be there anymore. i so hear you. i hear those voices screaming too, and i'm not sure how to stop them, but i do know how to put another record on, turn it up loud, so you don't hear them so much. for me that is doing something i'm passionate about, when you feel inspired get a big piece of paper and write down everything you love to do and stick it on the wall. just keeping busy doing what i love and reprogramming my brain to love those things more than anything. at night well you have to plan in advance - what could i do to make tonight really exciting? awesome? sleepover at a friends...get involved in a project, do something you always wanted to do but he never liked. when i go to bed i put headphones on and listen to inspirational audio. it keeps my mind focused on something till i fall asleep. i think if you ignore those voices they will fade. thanks kirikat i have answered my own questions too
Ssheena Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Hi Kiri, Don't be so hard on yourself. It's only been what 35 days? I STILL have all those thoughts and it's been over 5 months. There is no timeline on when you will stop feeling what you are. It was once suggested to me that when I found my mind doing what yours is doing to just tell it to stop and give myself a time - say after you have put your kid to bed, when you can sit down in your bed or whereever and just mourn the relationship. At that time, really grieve and cry and acknowledge and feel all the feelings you are having. See if underneath the sadness is anger, what is underneath the anger? More sadness? Just set aside some time and let it out. Remember the good (which will probably be more than it really was) and remember the bad. Write down your feelings. Listen to some music. Feel sad and sorry for yourself and cry for yourself and how you are feeling. Would you rather be someone who could not feel and acknowledge what you are feeling or be the person you are, feeling what you are feeling even if it is crap? Hugs.
Ormolu611 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I I thought this would be done by now. I had no idea that it would be like this, or I would never have ended it.... I would have just stayed, accepting crumbs from the table, because those crumbs were better than not having him at all. Wow, this kind of sums up the searing pain that you are feeling doesn't it? The notion that something - anything is better than nothing. The thing is, there is a lot more out there in the world waiting for you than mere scraps or crumbs from someone's emotional table. Now trust me, I know that this is an almost impossible concept right now - that there could be anything else out there for you at all. I know this from personal experience. However, the world is a very big place and you have to try to go out into it and engage it. This is very difficult to do but oh so very important. I think that it is important to realize that by attempting to engage in something else, anything else whether it be work, writing poetry, traveling, re-establishing old friendships, whatever . . . . you will be putting the elements in place that you will absolutely need in your struggle to move away from your ex. These things are absolutely necessary to start the healing process. The going is likely to be slow and the challenge is to not get discouraged. On that note, despite the importance of choosing something other than your ex to focus on, it is important to realize that it will likely not make you feel better right away, and that is the hard part. You have to muster on through your grief and stick with it to experience any progress. I used to read advice here about getting out and going to the gym for instance, and how that would make me feel better. You know what? I joined the gym about 2 weeks after my breakup and found myself on the treadmill struggling to hold back tears and to continue my workout! Terrible stuff, and NOT easy . . . . . . but maybe it is not supposed to be easy. So, I am not suprised that nothing seems to be working for you at this point. It's hard but keep going. Perhaps the most important this is to find someone to talk to, to hug. There is nothing like a real live, warm hug when you are really really sad.
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