Grim Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Ok i have been seeing a 27 yaerold (he had a birthday) for 10 months now. he says we are not in a relationship. His friends say he is a player. but he calls me regularly just to chat. i see him twice a week, ( i went out one night and he called, he wanted to no where i was, because this was our night) when i walk away he runs after me, if i wait for him he doesn't show. he plays songs down the phone to me, he has started introducing me to his friends, his friends call and invite me to parties that he is at, he looks surprised to see me, but then says something that makes me think he knew i was coming. he has started arranging things with my friends. He tells me he is going out on the pull, then announces he isnt seeing anyone else. I have had full blown relationships that are not so intense. I catch him smiling and watching me, then he looks away. I am the first person he calls if he needs something but he always makes an excuse to see me before he goes home if either of us are out. When im with him he makes me feel special WHAT IS HE DOING
VIP Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 He is having fun. And what are you doing? It seems that you are so interested in him, because he is unavailable.
Krytellan Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Grim, I thought you were all about being a player. What happened?
Author Grim Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 he is available, but perhaps unobtainable. or playing mind games
Author Grim Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Grim, I thought you were all about being a player. What happened? im not a player that was something cobra suggested. i actually preferr being straight to the point with a bit of a laugh in between
VIP Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 he is available, but perhaps unobtainable. or playing mind games I mean emotionally unavailable, and playing games.
Author Grim Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 I mean emotionally unavailable, and playing games. ok but im still confused. he did some work to his house and he can straight round to get me to come and see it, but with everyone else he just ambled along. he cant wait to tell me what he has got up to all week, its like im his buddy
birdie Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 he is keeping you at an arm's length for whatever reason. I think he wants you in his life but he is not allowing you to get closer than the limit he set himself. you need to decide whether this is good enough for you because it is questionable whether he will change
Author Grim Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 he is keeping you at an arm's length for whatever reason. I think he wants you in his life but he is not allowing you to get closer than the limit he set himself. you need to decide whether this is good enough for you because it is questionable whether he will change i dont mind at the moment. he knows i just came out of a 15 year relationship and i can handle anything heavy or i will run for the hills. and i know he has just come out of a six year relationship that ended badly. we met two years ago and both felt the chemistry, but withought discusing it made no moves. when my relationship ended he made the first move. then his relationship ended. then we sort of got together. i am very independant and spontaneous, i have a full life and he knows it. he turns up at places when im out, we chat as if we were distant friends, but we usually leave together. or he is on my doorstep waiting for me to come home. he says when he talks to me he has to go away and think about what i have said and then read between the lines. i am up front and straight in all situations except when it comes to expressing my feelings then i tend to make jokes or change the subject i like him as a person even if we werent seeing each other oh and i know i come across as really relaxed and easy going as if i dont care i suppose. but he knows im not heartless
birdie Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 people have different needs for autonomy and intimacy and it's really personal and there is no right or wrong answer. the only thing I can say is that I think you maybe feel (sorry if I'm getting this wrong!) that the two of you should be closer and maybe he has a need for that as well but the two of you somehow struggle to let the other person in. it is very hard to get close to somebody if you feel you have to put up a front. I personally find it difficult to deal with defensive behaviour in a relationship
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Grim, I would wager to guess that neither of you are ready for anything serious at the moment! Get a firm hold of your emotions or your guy is going to hurt you... and he wont do it intentionally. Take your time... learn, grow, and heal!
Author Grim Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 I would wager to guess that neither of you are ready for anything serious at the moment! thats what we said from the start but we both seem to be testing each other. i dont know if its to see who will give in first or to see who will run. Get a firm hold of your emotions or your guy is going to hurt you... i dont mind hurt its part of the learning process and neither of us made any promises and he wont do it intentionally. he is not the type to do things out of spite in that way we are very alike Take your time... learn, grow, and heal! he has been part of my healing process and through him i have seen a lot of changes in myself, ones i like, i do not feel incomplete without him but i like the company for the journey through life. he is also a friend good to see you again cobra. ( and dont think he is a player just an amature like me)
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 LOL... Yeah its good to hear from you too! I still highly recommend riegning in some of those emotions... If you give it time and proper space who knows how this could develp for you. Your still kind of in that rebound phase right?
Author Grim Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 LOL... Yeah its good to hear from you too! I still highly recommend riegning in some of those emotions... If you give it time and proper space who knows how this could develp for you. Your still kind of in that rebound phase right? i know what you mean but he doesnt no how i feel. to him i am just having a laugh and chilling, but thats where i have caught him fishing for more, though i am not given much away, sticking to the rules in the player thread without the coldness it implies. i wouldnt say he thinks i dont care, but he cant read me, and he has said so he will move first then i might join him. i like were we are at. i just like insight
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 i know what you mean but he doesnt no how i feel. to him i am just having a laugh and chilling, but thats where i have caught him fishing for more, though i am not given much away, sticking to the rules in the player thread without the coldness it implies. i wouldnt say he thinks i dont care, but he cant read me, and he has said so he will move first then i might join him. i like were we are at. i just like insight If you told him how you feel, how do you think he would react? Why do you think he fishes for more?
Author Grim Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 If you told him how you feel, how do you think he would react? i dont know how he would react, he say he wants nothing more than fun, then he give me personnal info that in my mind is reserved for real relationships, but im also not sure how i feel, i like the non commitment. Why do you think he fishes for more? he says things that require answers and looks hurt when i dont. he has used the "L" word ( ie I love you, then when i say "what did you say" he says i love this) i dont push for answers, i can see those in his eyes, but then he tries to be like me (cool and chilled. lol good actress you see) and screws it up or i dont understand it till days later
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 i dont know how he would react, he say he wants nothing more than fun, then he give me personnal info that in my mind is reserved for real relationships, but im also not sure how i feel, i like the non commitment. he says things that require answers and looks hurt when i dont. he has used the "L" word ( ie I love you, then when i say "what did you say" he says i love this) i dont push for answers, i can see those in his eyes, but then he tries to be like me (cool and chilled. lol good actress you see) and screws it up or i dont understand it till days later Giving you personal info is a friend gesture. Read no more into it than that. He uses the L word to gauge your interest. It dissapoints him when you fail to respond to this. That could be his feelings or his ego. When your Rebounding... as you are right now... then you tend to project onto others emotions and rational that you wish to see. I know you are not afraid of taking risks... but I dont think you want an extra helping of hurt at the moment. If he wants something more, he will tell you. Just make sure that he knows when you are ready for that step!
Author Grim Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Giving you personal info is a friend gesture. i rarely do personnal. so i didnt think of that. He uses the L word to gauge your interest. It dissapoints him when you fail to respond to this. That could be his feelings or his ego. he is quite sensitive and caring more so with alcohol. i was there for him when when he spilt with his girlfriend a few years ago then they got back together so thats how i know he wears his heart on his sleeve I know you are not afraid of taking risks... but I dont think you want an extra helping of hurt at the moment. hurt doesnt scare me i am 40 been there done that, i know there is life after pain If he wants something more, he will tell you. Just make sure that he knows when you are ready for that step! how do i let him know with out making the first move, and im not sure the two of us arent playing the same game, waiting for the other one to say first.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 he is quite sensitive and caring more so with alcohol. i was there for him when when he spilt with his girlfriend a few years ago then they got back together so thats how i know he wears his heart on his sleeve how do i let him know with out making the first move, and im not sure the two of us arent playing the same game, waiting for the other one to say first. He is open with you... that implies emotional trust. Your probably a good listener! Question of the day... if you two are playing the same game... Are you ready if he were to make a move?
Author Grim Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Your probably a good listener! im everyones ear. they all come to me. Question of the day... if you two are playing the same game... Are you ready if he were to make a move? you dont play fair. ok thats the way i answer him too. i dont know no matter what i say here the story will be right at the time and i cant presumme what i would do. i cant even read my own mind. i like things the way they are. i like him. our relationship is easy. yes but then it wouldnt last as long as if we keep playing this game. when i give i give my all and that would freak him out and scare the crap outta me. i dont wanna rock the status quo
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 no matter what i say here the story will be right at the time and i cant presumme what i would do. i cant even read my own mind. i like things the way they are. i like him. our relationship is easy. yes but then it wouldnt last as long as if we keep playing this game. when i give i give my all and that would freak him out and scare the crap outta me. i dont wanna rock the status quo You can't hide behind this game forever. At some point one of you is going to need more. Remember that easy is just that... easy! Are you sure that giving your all would freak him out?
Author Grim Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Are you sure that giving your all would freak him out? no im not sure but i am aware that we are both on the rebound. i ****ed up there big style for a few weeks in other parts of my life and i know i am insecure even though no one else sees it. he did leave his girlfriend because of me. we have had chemistry for nearly two years now we got together october past they split up in july you do the math
Cobra_X30 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Well, when your ready to get him moving start giving him some signals. Drop comments like... "I could really fall in love with a guy like you"... ect. Never be direct... always leave yourself an out. If he is smart he will figure out what your saying!
nicki Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Good idea Cobra! Drop signals. Leave yourself an out. Good advice. That way he knows you are interested, and you protect yourself a bit. As for "not wanting to rock the status quo," please reconsider. Nothing changes without rocking the status quo. When you start worrying about not messing with the status quo, then you can feel the relationship tipping towards the other guy getting all the power. It puts you in a weak position. You must always be willing to speak your mind and get your needs met. Screw the status quo! The status quo in this situation isn't really what you want, is it? I don't think you would be posting here if it was. I think you want a relationship with this guy and are too afraid to tell him because you are afraid you would lose him completely then. I say go for it. Be fearless and see where the chips fall. And know you feel strong and independent for doing it, even if things don't work out with him.
Author Grim Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Good idea Cobra! Drop signals. Leave yourself an out. Good advice. That way he knows you are interested, and you protect yourself a bit. As for "not wanting to rock the status quo," please reconsider. Nothing changes without rocking the status quo. When you start worrying about not messing with the status quo, then you can feel the relationship tipping towards the other guy getting all the power. It puts you in a weak position. You must always be willing to speak your mind and get your needs met. Screw the status quo! The status quo in this situation isn't really what you want, is it? I don't think you would be posting here if it was. I think you want a relationship with this guy and are too afraid to tell him because you are afraid you would lose him completely then. I say go for it. Be fearless and see where the chips fall. And know you feel strong and independent for doing it, even if things don't work out with him. i think i do want him just not yet. no one else does it for me but im not ready, i wont get two chances with him. and i dont give second chances.
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