lachasseauxpapillons Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I just had a conversation about cheating/infidelity in relationships and marriage with a guy friend, and he said that if the cheating is never found out, whether it's one time or repeatedly, it doesn't affect the relationship at all. This is really disturbing to me. I'd think that cheating would cause some kind of damage to a relationship that's supposed to be based on trust and respect, even if the cheater is getting away with it. Am I just being naive? Is my friend right? Your thoughts?
norajane Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Of course it has effects even if the cheater's partner doesn't know. The lies and hiding and sneaking around create distance and secrets, and suck up a lot of energy and time that is then being stolen from the primary relationship. Some people even experience guilt that tortures them until they must tell their partner they cheated. And if there are problems in the relationship, those problems aren't being addressed or worked on while the affair is going on.
Author lachasseauxpapillons Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 a happy one? I'd think it would have some kind of negative effect and the marriage wouldn't last even if the cheating is never found out, but maybe I'm wrong, sadly. How would the relationship suffer if one of the people thinks everything is fine? Is this a case of "what you don't know won't hurt you"?
MrsHellnoFire Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 a happy one? I'd think it would have some kind of negative effect and the marriage wouldn't last even if the cheating is never found out, but maybe I'm wrong, sadly. How would the relationship suffer if one of the people thinks everything is fine? Is this a case of "what you don't know won't hurt you"? Maybe a spouse wouldn't guess an affair but you DO feel the distance and space gap between you growing larger. It's just disconnecting yourself from your partner over time imo.
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I agree with norajane when she says: Some people even experience guilt that tortures them until they must tell their partner they cheated. BUT... If the cheater is reasonably happy in his/her relationship, fairly good husband (like most), good father... (like the MMs I am seeing LOL)...then I can't see how the partner can suffer... I think it could be a case of 'What you don't know can't hurt you'... yes.
MrsHellnoFire Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I agree with norajane when she says: Some people even experience guilt that tortures them until they must tell their partner they cheated. BUT... If the cheater is reasonably happy in his/her relationship, fairly good husband (like most), good father... (like the MMs I am seeing LOL)...then I can't see how the partner can suffer... I think it could be a case of 'What you don't know can't hurt you'... yes. Of course you can't see that. You delude yourself with information men tell you about their marriage. The only person who can tell you is the wife.Most men are good husbands? That's another crock. I guess you would never know though because you remain unmarried.
Mustang Sally Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I won't go so far as to say "Never," but I would bet it's an extremely rare circumstance where cheating has absolutely NO ill effects on the primary relationship - the marriage. And in these instances, the M is probably already considerably damaged anyway. Even if the BS never finds out, I again think it unlikely that no distance develops between the spouses as a direct consequence of the time and effort that is now being displaced from the BS to the affair partner, by the wayward spouse, as NJ and others have stated above. Of course, if the M was that horrible to begin with, the WS may not have been giving the appropriate attention and energy to the spouse even before the cheating, and so the divide may have already existed...but I still think it would be likely to grow exponentially when that person (wayward spouse) finds someone else to put effort into. Of course, we will never have reliable stats to support any of this....just supposition.
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