cre8 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Hey everyone, I've been reading this forum for a while. I've journaled a lot about this, tried bringing it up to certain friends, yet answers from them are really generic and unhelpful, probably because they don't understand as well as people on this forum might. So I've decided to post here about this relationship that I'm involved in that's really different from anything I've ever had in the past. We're both in our mid-twenties, know each other from the club scene that we both used to frequent a lot (and still do)... and that's sort of how we met. Our first night out was just this past New Year's Eve. We had a great time together, and continued to casually see each other after that... at first it was text messaging each other, maybe seeing each other a few times a month... by March, we had already gotten physical. In May, we started spending more and more time together and at the end of June, we took ecstasy together at a rave. Up until this point, neither of us wanted a relationship since things had been so casual up until that point, but I realized that maybe I do... and that she might also... if I found someone that wouldn't imprison me and try to make me give up my lifestyle (in my last serious relationship, the girl I was with was very possessive, didn't like me going out to clubs, and didn't support my music). In August, in a moment of passion, she said "I'm officially yours!" I told her how I've been wanting something like this for a long time, and that I just wasn't sure, but I never reciprocated the "official" part. This past weekend, things got pretty heated again and she asked "I'm your baby, right?!" and I said "Of course..." But the question really isn't about what the title is. That part's confusing, maybe because for some reason I feel odd calling her my "girlfriend" when I haven't had a serious relationship in 3 years. Even then, I'm not even sure how to bring this up, since she might be thinking we already are "officially together." I want to be, but I'm a bit confused about the whole situation. The real part of things is the relationship itself. By nature, she's secretive and closed off. And she recently told me about how ecstasy has been a problem for her and how hard she craves it, even though she has given it up for the past month or so. I like her for many reasons: - We enjoy the same type of music together. A common passion for a type of music that is not so mainstream here. - She's supportive and comes to my shows and--this is the important part-- she genuinely enjoys them! (she's not just there to support me only to make me happy). - Believes in my goals. - Is adventurous like me, fun, playful, academically smart, has her own goals. I like the fact that she likes to have fun in the same way that I do, but also has goals. - Spontaneous, which I love. - Lots of chemistry - We have a road trip planned together to go to a huge party. - "Cutest couple" is a common thing that we hear. Physically, we complement each other very well. - AMAZING sex! But there are the cons too: - the chronic ecstasy thing (I'm not against its occasional use 1-2 times a year, I'm just not for its abuse, especially if it's an addiction). She had bouts of depression when she was in college just coming off of the drug during the week, her grades slipped enormously. She's willing to overlook 3-4 days of depression during the comedown for 4-5 hours of the "happiness" while on the drug. She drinks alcohol as a "replacement" for ecstasy, but it's not the same. She's been off ecstasy for over a month now. I told her that I can only support her with this, but she has to want to stop completely on her own first... since all I can do is support. I really don't want to make her problem my problem, since there will be no end to it if she genuinely doesn't want to give it up on her own. - Family problems. Her parents don't get along and sometimes don't speak for days, neither do mine. This gives us something in common though. - She's a good liar (to others). Although most of the time, they're white lies. - I found out about her past serious relationship from a third party. I haven't brought it up to her. Apparently, she broke up with a guy she was with for 3 years and went to Vegas with his friend and slept with him. Yeah, this bothers me, but at the same time, I'm thinking, that's a completely different relationship. The guy sounds like a controlling guy that was trying to withhold her freedom. Oddly, I heard from my first girlfriend's last boyfriend that she's been cheating on him (he's enormously controlling too). I never once had that thought or problem with her when dating her. I see myself as a secure, exciting person and I try hard to work on my own insecurities where I notice them. It still does bother me that it was with his friend... - Her circle of friends are quite negative and destructive, although there are a few that I actually like. This reminds me of a paradox in my own social circle. I believe that deep down I'm an honest, good-willed person. And so, I have friends that are the same way, but they have either retired from the club scene, and/or are not exciting enough for me to want to hang out with on weekends. The exciting ones are not always so good-willed. More like party pals instead of real pals. I learned to let those ones go a while ago and only keep in touch with them once in a while, if ever at all. - Since she's a bit introverted and secretive, it makes communication very difficult. It also makes understanding her difficult. Sometimes she sees herself as "cold-hearted" but she's tried to show me that she's not. If there was a problem or something on her mind, I doubt she'd even bring it up. She might just act on it, assume things, and take action without ever clearing facts up. Then again, communication really isn't the best between us either. She doesn't like to talk about too many personal things, and she's told me a lot of personal things already that she's never told anyone before. Still, I feel that she's pretty closed off and that I have to do a lot of work to get her to open up about something. I feel like this makes me more vulnerable since I'll be going at her the whole time, trying to figure her out and getting her to open up. - I feel like she tries to get most of her identity from her older cousin. Her older cousin introduced her to the party world, drugs, the whole "bad girl" image and she looks up to her in a lot of ways, most probably because of the confidence she exudes. Things have changed a lot though, since her cousin has gotten engaged. These are the 3 key things that bother me most about her: - On the night of the rave where we took ecstasy together, she said the last person she slept with was 4 months ago. While we hadn't been sleeping together then, we were still seeing each other regularly, and we had already kissed. We were casual at this time though... This one, I can get over though if I'm happy with the way things can be. Maybe I should know who that person was and the circumstances around it, and put it behind me and never bring it up again? - She did not get me a birthday present for my birthday, which was a month and a half ago. At least a card would have been nice. She won't be getting one from me either! It doesn't make sense... maybe by getting me a present, she felt like she'd be doing too much or making herself vulnerable? I wouldn't say she's the warmest person in the world... - She has a lack of showing affection, which I'm not used to. She's been working on it, I can tell, but she goes through cycles. She also has a hatred for kids that I can't understand. I may not want kids either, but I can't say I hate them. I feel comfortable around her, she feels comfortable around me. She does bring more of the "bad boy" out in me, and I think I do the same for her. Lately, I've been showing more of my "good" side and her the same. I think finding a girl that has a good balance of this is what the key is... good enough to where you can trust her and know that she good will, but bad enough that she can keep the relationship spicy and exciting. Maybe I'm focusing too much on the negative part of things? I've been trying really hard to think positive, believe what I want to see, and to be optimistic, but it's not always so simple. What I have realized though is that I would want a fulfilling relationship at this point in my life. Absolutely any feedback would be great. Thanks for your feedback in advance.
shadowplay Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I think this girl is sweet and warm at heart, she's just afraid of making herself vulnerable to you. She's reserved about showing affection because she's afraid you don't feel the same way. It's a vicious cycle. You're both being too tentative. You need to make it clear to her that you really like her and want her as your gf or she'll never give you her heart.
Author cre8 Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 I think this girl is sweet and warm at heart, she's just afraid of making herself vulnerable to you. She's reserved about showing affection because she's afraid you don't feel the same way. It's a vicious cycle. You're both being too tentative. You need to make it clear to her that you really like her and want her as your gf or she'll never give you her heart. That makes sense. She tells me that in general, people have said that they can't figure her out, and that she doesn't think she'll change. Her ex-bf said she's "cold-hearted" and from what she says about her mother, she's the same. When we were on ecstasy, she told me she wants to show her mother she loves her, but doesn't know how, or even if she wants to. But I suppose you're right, there's got to be some kind of warmth deep down. Keep the feedback coming! Thanks.
shadowplay Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 That makes sense. She tells me that in general, people have said that they can't figure her out, and that she doesn't think she'll change. Her ex-bf said she's "cold-hearted" and from what she says about her mother, she's the same. When we were on ecstasy, she told me she wants to show her mother she loves her, but doesn't know how, or even if she wants to. But I suppose you're right, there's got to be some kind of warmth deep down. Keep the feedback coming! Thanks. Her relationship with her mother actually explains a lot. A mother who is too distant almost always produces a child who has trouble expressing or accessing their emotions as an adult. It's not that she doesn't have the feeling there, she just never learned how to be really close to somebody. You can help her get over this, but it will take some work...and you have to show her you really care about her.
Author cre8 Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 That makes sense. Thanks for the feedback. Anyone else? Regarding anything I've posted up there? Maybe I'm just looking for reassurance, but still the fact that she got me no birthday present in July bothers me (not even a card!). Her birthday's coming up soon too, which puts me at an odd angle. I've pretty much decided not to get her anything to prove a point. She did make an amazing dinner for me last night though, with my name on it! And breakfast this morning! It's amazing, too many confusing things to figure this out...
JCD Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 She needs to come out of her shell and learn how to communicate with people. At this stage do not play games with her or plot revenge on her. Definitely get her a nice present. You need to show love to her so she can learn what is to be unselfish person.
Kamille Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Yours sound like a lot of my own and my friends' relationship when we were in our mid-twenties. We were never being boring and we all loved to live in the moment. And therefore we were looking for relationships that were very 'present', very free and spontaneous. Most of them didn't last. But a few did. The one's that did last focused on growing together, supporting each other, not being afraid of taking responsibilities together and learning to appreciate that humans do change. In fact, I admire my couple friends who got together in their early to mid-twenties. They seem to share such a sweet complicity. Enjoy the time you have together - support her in her goal to stay off E (she can do it). As for her not opening up, it sounds to me like it doesn't matter because you 'get her' anyways.
VIP Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 I think your concerns are valid. The bad things overweigh the good ones. Drug and alcohol addiction, depression are serious problems. Lack of affection and communication, coldness, being inconsiderate, all these are serious red flags. One problem might be, that you think a woman must be "bad" in order for a relationship to be spicy and exciting. Being that you both come from disfunctional families, you might have a pattern of looking for a bad guy (girl).
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