Meaplus3 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 So i will look like that person that gave up.I will look like that bad guy in my kids eyes. Oh please don't think this way, you are by NO mean's the bad guy here. You deserve a life of "happiess"!! If you and H are really having a tough time your kid's will pick up on that and that alone can make them miserable. I would suggest that you give MC a try. If it does not work atleast you can say you did all you could to try and save the marriage. Best of luck to you. Hug's. AP:)
justice Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I'm not an OW, I am a former BS (betrayed spouse) Sit him down and have a very forthright and honest talk with him, outlining your thoughts and what your options would be in each situation, whether you chose to stay or leave. Do you love him? Enough to really fight to save your marriage? If so then I would seriously consider MC (marriage counceling) and I would share my enthusiasm as well as why you want to save your marriage with your husband. You have to let him know. If he is cheating, there will be something that will slip him up more than just a hushed phone call, you may need to look for it though. And if you do prove that he is cheating, you are going to want to make a very serious decision about saving or letting go. I'm sorry you are in this awful stage of not knowing.
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I honestly have been trying because I have caught him cheating once before. He was honest with me and told me that he wanted to be a good father. And once our children were at an age that he could leave he would be doing so.I thought trying now would make him relieze home is where he needs to be From what I read.. the marriage is pretty much over... BUT How do you feel about an 'open marriage'... would that be an option?
frannie Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Hmm if he's cheated before, and when you confronted him said he was only staying for the children, and that when the children were 'grown' he'd be off, then you've been expecting this time to come..? I'm not sure how that fits in with your idea of having more time together and making things better once the children went to school..? Are you both just sitting in this marriage waiting for one of you to be 'the bad guy'..? I think you really need to get some marriage counselling, to see whether anything can be saved at this late stage... IF he's agreeable. Sounds like he might not be. How long ago was the affair that you found out about..? Has he always said he didn't want to work on things..? How old are your children..?
frannie Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I finally have gotten to a point in my life where my children are off to school and my husband and I would have some time to ourselves in the morning. He is mostly a night owl and goes to sleep very late. Well after I have. Well, since our children started back to school I thought this would be a perfect way to work on things within our marriage. We have 2 hours that we are completely ALONE.I am wondering if he is involved with someone else. I heard him whispering on the phone late one night. He said it was imagination and I must have heard the TV. Now with this time alone. He either says he is too tired or wants to run off to go jogging. By the time he gets back I am off to work. Do OW really consume a man's life , that he alienates his family. If you are sure you heard him talking on the phone (i.e. he WAS doing it), and he's denying it, that's what's known as 'gaslighting'. Lying so the other person starts to doubt themselves and their perceptions. Completely unacceptable behaviour in my opinion. Whatever is happening here, your husband isn't with you on working on the relationship. From what you said in later posts he's actually made that clear to you when you discovered that other affair..? Did you stay with him then because you thought things could get better..? And to answer your question about a man being consumed by his relationship with his affair partner, to the alienation of his W, then the answer to that is yes a man can be like that. My MM is for certain. In fact apart from the 'affair that was discovered earlier' the situation sounds the same: no real relationship and he's just waiting for the kids to be grown.
flickfinger Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 But how is it better to wait until the kids are grown? I think the sooner the better. Why string the kids along any longer?
RealityCheck Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 MC? NoHe and I both agreed that it would be no use for us. For me this is exactly why I do not agree with staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids. Now both of you are at a point where the kids are grown and you basically look at each other and say..."who are you" Both of you agree that MC will be of no use? Much has been lost throughout the years. Why don't you hop on a long needed vacation by YOURSELF! Go with some friends, hop a cruise liner and go live a little. When you come back you just may choose to live ALOT! Such a sad, sad storyl I wish you well!
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