8noughstuff Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I finally have gotten to a point in my life where my children are off to school and my husband and I would have some time to ourselves in the morning. He is mostly a night owl and goes to sleep very late. Well after I have. Well, since our children started back to school I thought this would be a perfect way to work on things within our marriage. We have 2 hours that we are completely ALONE.I am wondering if he is involved with someone else. I heard him whispering on the phone late one night. He said it was imagination and I must have heard the TV. Now with this time alone. He either says he is too tired or wants to run off to go jogging. By the time he gets back I am off to work. Do OW really consume a man's life , that he alienates his family.
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Do OW really consume a man's life , that he alienates his family. If he lets her, yes. If you suspect he's cheating on you, talk to him. This isn't your fault, and if he is cheating on you, that's HIS CHOICE, his dumb mistake! Maybe you two aren't meeting eachothers needs, or he is having a midlife crisis...Either way, TALK to him, go to marriage counselling and hopefully together you two can fix whatever it is that is broken.
sadbuttrue Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 it sounds like you are really jumping to conclusions without any real evidence. as to OW consuming a MM's life, i think that is all relative to each situation. have you tried to talk to him and let him know how important it is to you that you and he spend quality time alone together?
Author 8noughstuff Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 I told him. that i would like starting this new routine. And he never responded. More or less rolled his eyes. There are days he walks in the door with a smile and appears like his is day dreaming.
flickfinger Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I'm not an ow or a bs but I feel that maybe he is just really tired & needs rest. Are the 2 of you able to establish a different 2 hour time frame for quality alone time together? It's worth a try.
CAT100 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 There may be a reason for his behavior that is nothing to do with an OW. Do you have any reason to think hes actually having an affair? I mean evidence like phone records, credit card bills, change in working hours- ie working late more than usual? Is he looking after his appearance more than usual? Is he going out more? When you try to reach him when hes out, is he reachable or is his phone switched off? Without evidence of some kind, its perfectly possible to assume that hes got some other issue going on, and not an OW
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I told him. that i would like starting this new routine. And he never responded. More or less rolled his eyes. There are days he walks in the door with a smile and appears like his is day dreaming. Then call him on it! Tell him outright that you suspect he is cheating on you.
Author 8noughstuff Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 I honestly have been trying because I have caught him cheating once before. He was honest with me and told me that he wanted to be a good father. And once our children were at an age that he could leave he would be doing so.I thought trying now would make him relieze home is where he needs to be
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Then chances are, he's cheating on you again. He can be a good father either way, he just isn't capable of being a good husband to you and BEING a family unit together with you.
CAT100 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I honestly have been trying because I have caught him cheating once before. He was honest with me and told me that he wanted to be a good father. And once our children were at an age that he could leave he would be doing so.I thought trying now would make him relieze home is where he needs to be Is that what he said? How long ago was this?
Author 8noughstuff Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 The OW I caught him cheating with. Knew so much about me and my family. All through him. He told me that he had a special connection to this woman.
annabelle75 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I honestly have been trying because I have caught him cheating once before. He was honest with me and told me that he wanted to be a good father. And once our children were at an age that he could leave he would be doing so.I thought trying now would make him relieze home is where he needs to be Sounds like he has already emotionally checked out of the relationship. Whether he is having an A or not, is almost besides the point. If he has already decided he wants to leave your efforts to keep him may be in vain. Would he consider marriage counseling? Have you discussed it before? Plenty of people with kids divorce, so I am not buying the whole "kids" excuse for staying. There must be some parts of your relationship that he still needs. Try to figure out what those parts are and see if you can build off of them.
Author 8noughstuff Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 Sounds like he has already emotionally checked out of the relationship. Whether he is having an A or not, is almost besides the point. If he has already decided he wants to leave your efforts to keep him may be in vain. Would he consider marriage counseling? Have you discussed it before? Plenty of people with kids divorce, so I am not buying the whole "kids" excuse for staying. There must be some parts of your relationship that he still needs. Try to figure out what those parts are and see if you can build off of them. Other than our children we have nothing in common. At times I believe we live more as friends
CAT100 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Id definitely advise marriage counselling. Its really not fair for you to be stuck in a situation where you're not sure of his intentions. You need to either get this sorted so you can move on in the marriage & be happy and 'safe' or decide its not working & split up. Either way you'd get an answer which is betting than being stuck in 'limbo' so to speak
CAT100 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Other than our children we have nothing in common. At times I believe we live more as friends Really? Thats not good. So you're basically saying if you didnt have children you wouldnt be together?
Author 8noughstuff Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 Probably we would have never stayed married. ALong time ago. We talked about splitting. But we didnt because kids were very young. I wanted to move back with my parents. Which lived far away for where he would be living. And he didnt want that.
Lyssa Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 It's hard to make someone who doesn't want to stay - stay. Know what I mean? Do you think he would agree to MC? Since you have talked to him yourself and all he seem to do is roll his eyes.
Author 8noughstuff Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 MC? NoHe and I both agreed that it would be no use for us.
CAT100 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I think you should try counselling. But if he refuses to go then what do you do? Are you going to be happy staying married to someone that clearly doesnt want to work on the relationship & isnt giving you the love you deserve?
Author 8noughstuff Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 So i will look like that person that gave up.I will look like that bad guy in my kids eyes.
CAT100 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 If you have an amicable split & neither of you says bad things about the other to the kids, then there will be no 'bad guy' Im sure there is lots of advice out there on how to deal with the kids pre, during and post divorce The thought of being in a loveless marriage for years is so sad And if it goes on like that he will prob meet an OW. Or you might meet someone. And then it will be a WHOLE lot more complicated than if you just had a reasonable & civilised divorce now
annabelle75 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 So i will look like that person that gave up.I will look like that bad guy in my kids eyes. DON'T THINK LIKE THAT !!! I was in a very similar situation to yours for many years. I thought if I left the end of the marriage would be my fault and that it would hurt our daughter. It took me a long time to finally realize that I had a right to be happy. I had a right to be with some one that loved and adored me. My daughter made it through the divorce and she didn't fall apart our get angry at us. She says she misses us living together but she knows we both love her and we are still her family. As long as you both act like adults and don't put the kid sin the middle it doesn't have to alot of damage. How old are your kids?
Lyssa Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Why would you look like the 'bad guy'? Just because you choose to let go of your marriage does not make you the 'bad guy'. I'm not saying either of you are but you did try to talk to your H and he isn't doing anything to make it better, is he? You have to do what's best for you and your kids even though it is going to be hard for everyone in the family.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 So i will look like that person that gave up.I will look like that bad guy in my kids eyes. My mum and dad hung on through an unhappy marriage. Once i was older, i felt really sad that happiness in their lives had been lost as a result of their dedication to their children. Maybe you're children will prefer your happiness, after all, they will be moving on with their own lives eventually. Is that the only reason you want to stay married to your husband? Do you still feel love for him and want to work on things? Or are you in it for the children?
smoochygirl Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 So i will look like that person that gave up.I will look like that bad guy in my kids eyes. Do you think your kids don't realized what going on? would you rather have your kids see you suffering? why do you let him walk all over you? why do you love someone more than you love yourself? If my husband will tell me that he will stay for the kids and would leave me when the kids are grown up, i would kick is butt out of the house. It is not too late for you to find someone who will truly love you and appreciate you.
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