spookie Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 So say you liked a guy, but he was in a long-term relationship. Say you REALLY liked him. Would you try to get close? Be friends? Is that fair? I mean on the one hand, obviously the girlfriend wouldn't be comfortable with it. With a girl with ulterior motives getting close to her bf. So it's not so innocent. Someone's being hurt. But on the other... friendship isn't explicitly wrong, right? If he goes along with it? Is everything fair outside marriage (marriage I wouldn't screw with)?
starlite Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Well, on one hand I guess there is no harm in trying...but there is more to it. Say he goes for it, he leaves his gf for you, what then. Do you live in fear he will do it to you? Because there is a good chance that if he saw the grass greener with you...he will do it again. Or what if you end up being the other woman? I guess my advice would be to find someone still available. I mean...say things did work out (for a bit at least)...do you want to tell everyone " I stole him from his long term gf".
starlite Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Also...if you REALLY like him...arent you already friends? How well do you know him to REALLY like him?
iFinix Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I believe it would be a very wrong thing to do in my opinion. I am assuming you like this guy, but if you truely liked him you would want him to be happy. It wouldn't be fair to the girl or him. Let them live their lives. It is okay to want someone who is taken, but it's not okay to pursue it.
Author spookie Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 I would never become the other woman. All my respect for him would vanish if he was ok with creating such an arrangement. We are friends already, and have been so for almost a year. But we've only hung out in a group (3 - 5 people) so far. I would never try to manipulate him to leave his gf. What I am torn about is whether or not it would be morally ok with trying to move the friendship to the next level. Becoming one on one friends. Getting close. Slowly upping the contact until that happened (if it can). For example, would it be ok to invite him over tonight to play scrabble with me and one other friend?
starlite Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 For example, would it be ok to invite him over tonight to play scrabble with me and one other friend? I would have to say no. See, I have been with my bf for over 2 years. I love him so much! We live together. I would hate if some girl was trying to take him from me. But if he loves his gf, i guess there is no harm in asking...he'll just tell you no. I dont know, I think to make lives easier and not hurt someone intentionally (which is what you would be doing) I would find someone who is still single. They are out there, you were just too late with this one. And if they ever break up, without you being his consolation (however you spell it) prize...then he is fair game.
design1 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 are you serious? you use comments like you know what you are doing is wrong, you have alterior motives, its not innnocent.... sounds like you don't have much respect for yourself... i would worry about respecting yourself instead of losing respect for him if you were the other woman! honestly this is absurd that you are even talking or asking this! why do people always ask questions to which they already know the answers?!?!!? leave that girl's boyfriend alone! go find your own guy! shame on you!
starlite Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 So I just took a quick peak into your last threads and I would DEFINATELY stay out of this. You claim you are a horny mess, and you were just head over heels for your roommate...sounds to me like you keep crushing on new boys. You could devastate this poor girl, so again...find someone else.
wwjd Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Would you try to get close? Be friends? Is that fair? there is absolutely nothing wrong with being friends with a guy who is in a long-term relationship, if there are no ulterior motives. you say that you are already "friends" with this guy, so, presumably, your only reason for getting "closer" to him is because of the non-platonic feelings you have for him. given that, what is it you want to accomplish? you say you wouldn't want to be the "OW", so do you want to see if there is a chance that, what? he break up with his gf and perhaps date you, to see where things go? what is it that you are trying to accomplish, exactly? you yourself realize that your intentions with wanting to get closer to this guy are devious, so i believe that you already know that it is wrong, but are either seeking to hear others agree with you or to encourage you. also, don't think that you can start warming up to this guy without his gf taking notice. she will and all you will do is cause them problems because you are being selfish. i really, really advise you to not do this. yes, he is not married, but he is in a relationship and you have to respect that. and yourself, above all. what happened to the german guy, anyway?
Author spookie Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 Well, I don't know if I completely agree that I have ulterior motives. I don't want to contribute to the downfall of his relationship. My motivation in getting to know him better is becuase I think he is intersting and fun and I would like him to be a closer FRIEND. With single guys, I would not think twice. But because he has a girlfriend, I feel like a creep. It was not so long ago that I was in her place with someone else, and I know how much it would have frustrated me to see my bf becoming better friends with some girl that likely liked him (even if she was "respectful" of the relationship by never pushing any kinds of lines). The German guy... not so long after my last post, I realized that whatever I had going with him was, at best, a waste of time.
LN99 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I think this is a waste of your time too. I'm sorry, but honestly your just setting yourself up to get hurt. Can you really handle just being his friend? Obviously you want more and what if things just continue to go very well with his gf? What if he starts talking about proposing to her? Do you think you could handle that? I'm asking you all of this because I, too, have fallen for a guy who was in a relationship. He has an awesome personality and I thought he liked me. He was flirting w/ me etc. That is what started the attraction to him. Before that, I never thought twice about him. I knew of the relationship he had, but figured it wasn't all that serious since it was a LDR. Plus, he never talked about her much with me. But, when I found out he was talking to others about proposing to his gf, I was crushed. I immediately knew that I needed to back off and let him be happy. As much as it hurt, I knew it was the right thing to do. Personally, I don't think I could handle a friendship with him right now at this point. I mean if I thought I had a chance, maybe. And maybe in the future when I move on, I could handle a friendship with him. But in the meantime, I just think this is the best thing for me. Do whats best for you. But, if you choose the friendship route, hoping to get closer to him.... it could backfire on you.
someone2 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Ok, I am going to sound really evil, but I honestly believe everything I am saying now. Some guys are in a long term relationship for the sole reason that they couldn't find the girl they were looking for, but couldn't remain single for long. Deep deep deep inside, they are hoping for this one girl, who would come to them and take them away from the relationship that is not working into a much better and a wonderful relationship. I know at least a couple of friends in this situation. Is this evil from the guys' side? Maybe, although I could forgive them (being lonely IS bad and finding someone you like is hard) Is it fair? No! But since when is life about fairness? The bottom line is, if you REALLY like him, and you REALLY think of him as more than just a 3 month bf, there is a chance you can make it work. You have to approach him really slowly, and try to know if his relationship is really working or not. Don't make any comments about you two hooking up AT ALL (he will say no, although deep inside, he could really want to do it. We always use our nobler side when dealing with others ). Just try to get to talk to him about what he thinks and how he thinks of his future... etc. It will eventually become clear if he is really happy with this GF or not Good luck
wwjd Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 It was not so long ago that I was in her place with someone else, and I know how much it would have frustrated me to see my bf becoming better friends with some girl that likely liked him (even if she was "respectful" of the relationship by never pushing any kinds of lines). you wouldn't want someone to do it to you, so don't do it to someone else. it's not about "unfairness" but about integrity as a person; if you would feel bad, then you ought to consider that she too might feel bad and not try to cause her unnecessary circumstances. again, if you want to be closer friends with him, then there really is no problem with that. however, the difference is that you like him, right? or have a crush on him, at least. if these feelings of attraction/lust are what is truly driving him to befriend him even more, then yes, i would think that is an "ulterior" motive. someone like that isn't in it to truly be better and closer friends but because they'd like a shot at "something more." if that is not you, then go ahead and try to be his closer friend, though i honestly don't think you would be second-guessing yourself if you didn't feel like you wanted to see if there could be more than a normal friendship here. at the risk of sounding mean, i'm going to go ahead and ask: what are you doing, spookie? Ok, I am going to sound really evil, but I honestly believe everything I am saying now. Some guys are in a long term relationship for the sole reason that they couldn't find the girl they were looking for, but couldn't remain single for long. Deep deep deep inside, they are hoping for this one girl, who would come to them and take them away from the relationship that is not working into a much better and a wonderful relationship. I know at least a couple of friends in this situation. Is this evil from the guys' side? Maybe, although I could forgive them (being lonely IS bad and finding someone you like is hard) Is it fair? No! But since when is life about fairness? The bottom line is, if you REALLY like him, and you REALLY think of him as more than just a 3 month bf, there is a chance you can make it work. You have to approach him really slowly, and try to know if his relationship is really working or not. Don't make any comments about you two hooking up AT ALL (he will say no, although deep inside, he could really want to do it. We always use our nobler side when dealing with others ). Just try to get to talk to him about what he thinks and how he thinks of his future... etc. It will eventually become clear if he is really happy with this GF or not Good luck oh jesus christ.
norajane Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Well, I don't know if I completely agree that I have ulterior motives. I don't want to contribute to the downfall of his relationship. My motivation in getting to know him better is becuase I think he is intersting and fun and I would like him to be a closer FRIEND. With single guys, I would not think twice. But because he has a girlfriend, I feel like a creep. It was not so long ago that I was in her place with someone else, and I know how much it would have frustrated me to see my bf becoming better friends with some girl that likely liked him (even if she was "respectful" of the relationship by never pushing any kinds of lines). You already know exactly how his girlfriend would feel. So why do you want to be that kind of woman - the kind who knows full well she's doing something that is going to hurt someone else? Are there really no other guys you could turn your attention to?
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Heh. I'm not doing anything. Feeling like I have multiple personality disorder though. One moment I completely convince myself one thing, the next moment another. When I spend time with guys like my friend, who don't come around that often (barely ever) I get excited about being single. Hopeful. Almost believing that love is a possibility for me, still. And when I'm alone... I feel nothing at all. Or I miss my ex. So much that I can't even think of the possibility of anyone new.
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 You already know exactly how his girlfriend would feel. So why do you want to be that kind of woman - the kind who knows full well she's doing something that is going to hurt someone else? Are there really no other guys you could turn your attention to? Heh. I don't want to be that kind of woman. That's what this thread is about. I was not close at all to doing what I asked about. I just wanted to double check that my reservations were right. That it'd be wrong.
oppath Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Ok, I am going to sound really evil, but I honestly believe everything I am saying now. Some guys are in a long term relationship for the sole reason that they couldn't find the girl they were looking for, but couldn't remain single for long. Deep deep deep inside, they are hoping for this one girl, who would come to them and take them away from the relationship that is not working into a much better and a wonderful relationship. I know at least a couple of friends in this situation. Is this evil from the guys' side? Maybe, although I could forgive them (being lonely IS bad and finding someone you like is hard) Is it fair? No! But since when is life about fairness? The bottom line is, if you REALLY like him, and you REALLY think of him as more than just a 3 month bf, there is a chance you can make it work. You have to approach him really slowly, and try to know if his relationship is really working or not. Don't make any comments about you two hooking up AT ALL (he will say no, although deep inside, he could really want to do it. We always use our nobler side when dealing with others ). Just try to get to talk to him about what he thinks and how he thinks of his future... etc. It will eventually become clear if he is really happy with this GF or not Good luck I agree with this, though I think it applies equally to women in LTRs. However, all you need to do is ask "so what's it like being in a relationship? Tell me about your gf." You will know based on his response how much he loves her.
LN99 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Heh. I'm not doing anything. Feeling like I have multiple personality disorder though. One moment I completely convince myself one thing, the next moment another. When I spend time with guys like my friend, who don't come around that often (barely ever) I get excited about being single. Hopeful. Almost believing that love is a possibility for me, still. And when I'm alone... I feel nothing at all. Or I miss my ex. So much that I can't even think of the possibility of anyone new. Yeah, I know how this goes. It is lonely being single most of the time. Then one guy just happens to come along and give us hope for something more. Then you find out he is taken (or engaged or gay at least in my cases.) It's a bummer. But, we just have to hold on to that hope that someday, somewhere, there is an available guy with whom everything will "click". Yes, I'm skeptical about this notion, but I have seen first hand it happen to a few of my friends. They were completely unsuccessful in relationships(like a few of us here.) Then one day they met someone who completely changed everything for them. (This happened to one of my really close friends recently and she did a complete 180 about relationships/marriage/ and having kids. She is now in the process of doing all that settling down. Before, she was so bitter she wanted no part of it.) Now, the things that Someone2 said I have definately "thought" before. I guess I have also seen it. People just being w/ other people for the sake of NOT being alone. Maybe some are just stalling until what they really want comes along. I think assuming that about the guy I liked really made things more difficult in the long run. I never really "KNEW" exactly how it really was in his relationship. I guess it was pretty solid if he was in the process of proposing. But, then why all the flirting on his part? Maybe an ego boost? Who knows? Maybe he truly isn't 100% happy? I guess I will never know. But I don't feel it's my job to interfere.
LN99 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I agree with this, though I think it applies equally to women in LTRs. However, all you need to do is ask "so what's it like being in a relationship? Tell me about your gf." You will know based on his response how much he loves her. hmm, good point. But, what if he like hardly ever brings her up in conversation? Does that mean anything?
oppath Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 hmm, good point. But, what if he like hardly ever brings her up in conversation? Does that mean anything? If you ask "what's it like being in a relationship?" and he says "secure," that's an indicator he is just doing it to do it. Actually, I think women are more likely to be like Tarzan, swinging to the next relationship. Guys are more apt to flirt and date without becoming involved with someone following a relationship.
LN99 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 If you ask "what's it like being in a relationship?" and he says "secure," that's an indicator he is just doing it to do it. Actually, I think women are more likely to be like Tarzan, swinging to the next relationship. Guys are more apt to flirt and date without becoming involved with someone following a relationship. So, what your saying is... Girls tend to bounce from one relationship to the next if something better comes along? Guys really don't? They will stay single for a long time after a serious relationship and just date and flirt and have fun? Honestly, though....i feel that is a generalization. I got out of a long term relationship 3 yrs ago. I dated a guy briefly a yr later and since then .....NOTHING. Now, I kinda feel it's pointless to date for the sake of dating. I guess I have become more selective. I figure why settle for something I'm not feeling 100%. I see where your theory is true though. I know people who literally cannot be single for more then a week. (And yes, they are female) But, I just have never been that type. So, your saying that guys are less likely to jump from one relationship to the next? So, does this make their relationship pretty solid? Or is it from just lack of wanting to try something else? Good ideas though about asking the guy about his relationship. I will keep that in mind. There have been many times(yes even when he was flirting) that I wanted to just stop everything and ask him about his gf. I just didn't understand WHY he would flirt w/ me if supposidly he is so happy w/ her.
norajane Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Plenty of guys jump from one relationship to the next. Plenty of them cheat, too.
monkey00 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Yeah, I know how this goes. It is lonely being single most of the time. Then one guy just happens to come along and give us hope for something more. Then you find out he is taken (or engaged or gay at least in my cases.) It's a bummer. But, we just have to hold on to that hope that someday, somewhere, there is an available guy with whom everything will "click". Yes, I'm skeptical about this notion, but I have seen first hand it happen to a few of my friends. They were completely unsuccessful in relationships(like a few of us here.) Then one day they met someone who completely changed everything for them. (This happened to one of my really close friends recently and she did a complete 180 about relationships/marriage/ and having kids. She is now in the process of doing all that settling down. Before, she was so bitter she wanted no part of it.) Now, the things that Someone2 said I have definately "thought" before. I guess I have also seen it. People just being w/ other people for the sake of NOT being alone. Maybe some are just stalling until what they really want comes along. I think assuming that about the guy I liked really made things more difficult in the long run. I never really "KNEW" exactly how it really was in his relationship. I guess it was pretty solid if he was in the process of proposing. But, then why all the flirting on his part? Maybe an ego boost? Who knows? Maybe he truly isn't 100% happy? I guess I will never know. But I don't feel it's my job to interfere. I've seen people in unhappy relationships and it goes to show they're afraid of being lonely or single. If anything those relationships appear as if they take double the effort to make it work, and they get stressed or annoyed if the SO calls or wants to do something. But anyway I think single people are in a better position. The ones who dont want to be single but stay in a relationship dig themselves in such a deep hole sometimes, that the security of the relationship binds them in it...and the risk/rejection factor that's involved in pursuing someone (or the person they've been waiting for) new is a hard concept to grasp. Plus they might feel a moral responsibility to the other person to not cheat. Aside from all the mumbo jumbo, grass is greener syndrome happens to everyone. But better in what way is the question.
VirtualInsanity Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 So say you liked a guy, but he was in a long-term relationship. Say you REALLY liked him. Would you try to get close? Be friends? Is that fair? No he's taking & me wanting to get as close as possible is wrong & selfish. I mean on the one hand, obviously the girlfriend wouldn't be comfortable with it. With a girl with ulterior motives getting close to her bf. So it's not so innocent. Someone's being hurt. No she wouldn't. Again he's taking & I'd leave him alone. But on the other... friendship isn't explicitly wrong, right? If he goes along with it? Is everything fair outside marriage (marriage I wouldn't screw with)? Yes this friendship is wrong because that person has bad intentions to break up the relationship. Once they become friends that person starts the next process of distruction. I don't want to be that kind of woman. Let's hope so because if not, your one selfish women.
oppath Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Of course it is a generalization. From my experience, girls have been more likely to have the next official boyfriend lined up. Guys will have dates lined up. But that is only the people in my life I have experienced. My last gf, my current gf, and many of my friends. As a gross and likely incorrect generalization, guys who can't be alone will want to play the field and date around whereas women who can't be alone will go from guy-to-guy. Both genders do it, and both cheat, so it doesn't mean much. I got my new gf by becoming closer to her while she was in a relationship. I need to qualify by saying we aren't bf/gf yet but we've talked about how we feel, and we aren't dating others, it's just semi long distance (1.5 hours for the next couple months) so we don't want to pressure of titles or HAVING to see each other every week (though it is happening anyway). But I knew she was perhaps interested in me, so I just asked, "what's it like being in a relationship?" "secure." "That's all, secure? Don't you want more?" "Yes. I don't know. I've always wanted to get closer to you but something was always in the way." Boom goes the dynamite. Does it make either of us bad people? No. It is not ideal, I'll grant you that. And I am wary of it, I'll grant you that too. But MANY people have essentially stolen a bf or gf, and it does suck, but sometimes you have to make your interest known. However, if my girl said "great, I love him" I would have turned away completely. I'm not going to create a crack where one does not exist.
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