Moving on...how to stop obsessive thoughts?

[BrightSide]

I just registered but I've posted before as a guest. Thank you for reading my story...

 

I met a MM a work. He pursued me brazenly for about 5 months. Then the next four we got closer and it was only a matter of time before we were intimate. Once we were intimate, things were nice but he was still married. I began to freak out and the guilt consumed me. When he was pursuing me I got the impression that he was very lonely and sorta trapped in his marriage (3 kids..blah blah blah.) He also appeared to me very into me...we had an instant chemistry and a really profound connection. After we had sex, my feelings intensified. His did too but i couldn't completely fall for him and I tried to break it off several times because I didn't see any action from him (as in getting a divorce.) He mention things like places he could stay when he left but after a while all that stopped.

 

I felt something different and called him on it. Come to find out things were better with his wife but he said that his marriage was a lost cause and he wasn't getting his hopes up. He said his marriage was always crap and will always be but sometimes things are better than others. My heart sank, he was sleeping with his wife. He told me that "had to." I felt sick!

 

Each time I pulled away from him, he would leave me heartfelt messages explaining our bond and his feeling for me, while never stating his intentions. He once told me " i want to be your lover, your boyfriend, your whatever you want me to be." I was hearing something that I wanted to hear. Then, it happened..we got into a huge fight because i felt disrespected by him. I did notice that during the fight he never said anything bad about me although i called him every lying, cheating, womanizer, mid life crisis having SOB in the book. After two days he called to say he had been a jerk but something had really changed for me. I felt insane to get so wrapped up into someone who wasn't fully committed to me. He told me he never meant for our fight to bring me to those feelings. I struggled with my decision but finally, I just cut things off with him. We only had sex three times in the course of four months and the relationship was more about the little things like talking to one another throughout the day and stroking each others' ego.

 

It's been three months since I last saw him and then I saw him Friday. He asked if we could start dating again. This is one thing that really kills me about him. He talks like he isn't married. He sees his marriage as a none issue but isn't talking about leaving. I still want him and miss him but I know that he can never give me what i want and deserve. Even when I say stuff like that he turns it around on me like I'm the selfish one and says "you just want me all to yourself but you can't have me right now..."

 

Also, he refered to his wife as "the other side of me" when talking about a big decision he is facing in his career. ARGGHH, i'm soo stupid and naive. He's 12 years older and I'm very inexperienced. Please just lay it on me. Tell me that i need to get over this. Tell me what this all means...what kind of man he is. Is he a horrible cheater or is it more complex than that?

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. what kind of man he is.

 

The kind of man who wants a girlfriend while being married. They are called 'cakemen'. Check this out and see if it sounds familiar.

[CAT100]

^Thats a really good article, which seems to sum up this MM. Brightside- he def wants to have the stability of marriage whilst 'dating ' at the same time. Clearly he has no intentions of leaving.

I know its tough but you have to totally not communicate with him WHATSOEVER. Every text, every call, every email he will be worming his way back in. And the fact that he is still sleeping with his wife? Because he 'has to' Please

Lots of MM will really 'woo' the OW with great sex, promises, a great emotional connection. But as for anything practical, like getting a divorce, no way.

Actions speak louder than words, his actions say he is happy being in the marriage, hes probably exaggerating how bad it is. It might actually be fine just not exciting enough for him

As for making YOU feel selfish??? Thats truly outrageous! Whats selfish about wanting someone who is exclusively yours? Isnt that what 99% of people want? He sounds like a manipulator, bigtime.

Im sorry to be harsh, but from what you've said about this guy he is a classic 'cakeman' - wants to have his cake & eat it too for as long as he can keep the OW sweet. Dont indulge him anymore. You sound like a lovely person, Im sure you'll find an equally lovely guy & then you'll wonder why you wasted time on this idiot!

[Impudent Oyster]

Please just lay it on me. Tell me that i need to get over this. Tell me what this all means...what kind of man he is. Is he a horrible cheater or is it more complex than that?

 

He's MARRIED and he's not leaving. What kind of man is he? He's a liar, a cheater and a player, and will use you as long as you let him.

 

It's really quite simple. He's a cheater, don't be a fool, don't waste your time, get a backbone and tell him you don't date married men. Period.

[whichwayisup]

It's been three months since I last saw him and then I saw him Friday. He asked if we could start dating again. This is one thing that really kills me about him. He talks like he isn't married. He sees his marriage as a none issue but isn't talking about leaving. I still want him and miss him but I know that he can never give me what i want and deserve. Even when I say stuff like that he turns it around on me like I'm the selfish one and says "you just want me all to yourself but you can't have me right now..."

 

This man will NEVER EVER be able to offer you ALL of him. Only small parts of him on HIS terms and HIS timeframe. I'm glad to read that you feel you deserve better and more.

 

Yes, this man is a selfish married man who is in it for himself. He'll try to get what he wants, he knows how to push your buttons and will continue to play you until you get out and end it with him completley. DOn't talk to him, email with him, nothing. NO contact.

 

And, his marriage is NOT half as bad as he's made it seem.

[BrightSide]

I don't have any contact with him anymore. I had ZERO contact with him for three months. And then I saw him. I admit that I saw him after I sent him a note asking if he was okay. He wrote back immediately saying he was flattered I asked. Then he made some small talk which ended up with him paying me a visit. (We work in the same building but it's fairly easy to avoid each other.) I guess I wanted to see if we could be friends and also deep down see if anything had changed on the homefront. After we met, I felt like "wow, I'm really over him...I don't want what he's offering!!!" But that didn't stop my constant thinking of him:(

 

I'm thankful for the "Cakeman" article. That really hit home. I really wish I could stop THINKING about him though. I'm not going back because I finally decided to respect myself but that doesn't mean I don't still pin for him. He doesn't contact me. I actually have him thinking that I'm powerful. That I am strong and over him and that I dumped him. Truth of the matter is that he dumped me when he never made a move to get a divorce. I know that he was shocked when I abruptly ended it and then didn't say a word for three months. It felt good to see him beg me to start something up with him and then turn him down. But honestly, deep down this is killing me.

 

I guess I wanted to believe that he wasn't a cliche. Why would he pursue me and say those things? Why would he try so hard when I pushed him away initially? Why would he, as a married man who's not leaving, want to complicate my single life? He was 41, I was 29 (and very inexperienced.) He was my first. Part of me wanted to give it away because I felt so old but I thought that he was the one I was meant to give it to. He was very smooth. You know, now that I write this I think I know why I keep thinking about him. Not only did I fall in love with him but I am deeply disappointed (once again) that I'm not a step closer to finding the real "one." At times, I am enraged when I think of him and just want to go over and slap him in the face. But most of the time, that is clouded by how entralled I am with him. I was so docile and submissive with him...I think i wanted him to take care of me. I'm rambling...this is hard to sort out.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I don't have any contact with him anymore. I had ZERO contact with him for three months. And then I saw him. I admit that I saw him after I sent him a note asking if he was okay. He wrote back immediately saying he was flattered I asked. Then he made some small talk which ended up with him paying me a visit. (We work in the same building but it's fairly easy to avoid each other.) I guess I wanted to see if we could be friends and also deep down see if anything had changed on the homefront. After we met, I felt like "wow, I'm really over him...I don't want what he's offering!!!" But that didn't stop my constant thinking of him:(

 

I'm thankful for the "Cakeman" article. That really hit home. I really wish I could stop THINKING about him though. I'm not going back because I finally decided to respect myself but that doesn't mean I don't still pin for him. He doesn't contact me. I actually have him thinking that I'm powerful. That I am strong and over him and that I dumped him. Truth of the matter is that he dumped me when he never made a move to get a divorce. I know that he was shocked when I abruptly ended it and then didn't say a word for three months. It felt good to see him beg me to start something up with him and then turn him down. But honestly, deep down this is killing me.

 

I guess I wanted to believe that he wasn't a cliche. Why would he pursue me and say those things? Why would he try so hard when I pushed him away initially? Why would he, as a married man who's not leaving, want to complicate my single life? He was 41, I was 29 (and very inexperienced.) He was my first. Part of me wanted to give it away because I felt so old but I thought that he was the one I was meant to give it to. He was very smooth. You know, now that I write this I think I know why I keep thinking about him. Not only did I fall in love with him but I am deeply disappointed (once again) that I'm not a step closer to finding the real "one." At times, I am enraged when I think of him and just want to go over and slap him in the face. But most of the time, that is clouded by how entralled I am with him. I was so docile and submissive with him...I think i wanted him to take care of me. I'm rambling...this is hard to sort out.

 

Firstly HUGS ((())) and I like the name - is it to do with Mr Brightside by the Killers? If so, good song and very relevant lyrics for OW.

 

Secondly - you DO have a backbone. It is extremely difficult to seperate the wheat from the chaff and determine actions against very soft, warm and comforting words from another human being. You wanted to be loved and he offered it. You saw his actions did not tie in with his words. You ended it because you deserve more. Well done, that was a strong thing to do.

 

Lastly, I know its hard but why not think of the positive things out of this relationship? You wanted to lose your virginity and you did to someone who made you feel enthralled, connected, loved. It eventually transpired that he wasn't "the one" but some of his characteristics, things he did and said, how you wanted to feel protected - you can now know more about the person you are actually searching for. He may not have been "the one" but your a few steps closer to seeing what you want from "the one".

 

You're going to keep thinking of him. Your thoughts will inevitably rotate around him, you, you relationship. Its how we learn things about ourselves. Let yourself think about him. Let yourself obsess. Because eventually your brain wants to be stimulated by something other than your MM and you'll find you think less and less about him. Dont put pressure on yourself, you've done brilliantly by nor settling for less.

[BrightSide]

Je Ne Regrette Rien,

 

THANK YOU for your kind and compassionate words. I'm in tears. Thanks for offering me a new approach to getting over this. I try to see the bright side of life's events and your approach works well with that philosophy. I've been beating myself up because I still think about him. I wasn't raised to enter into an affair and have had a hard time forgiving myself. At times I feel so stupid but then I think that everything happens for a reason. Again, thanks! I'm thinking kind thoughts of you and wish you the best:)

 

 

 

 

 

I'm thankful to everyone that has responded to this thread. I need the tough love and assurance that I'm doing the best thing for my heart. I also need to be reminded that I'm human and mistakes happen but there is life after an affair. To anyone reading this as they struggle with their decision to start or end an affair please know that you deserve better than what an affair offers. I took me some real soul searching to figure out how I got here and the results were sobering. No matter how successful, attractive, popular or lively I appeared on the outside, on the inside I felt inadequate and confused. That inadequacy allowed me to be fooled but someone who happens to be more insecure and confused than me. (Yes, I believe my MM is not a villian but actually a very sad character. He can't stop himself from sabotaging what's good in his life...his wife, his kids..now me.)