george313 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Hi, Over the last 3 months I've become infatuated with a girl with a BF. A little background: She is 26, I'm 33. She's had the same BF for something like 6+ years. We met a dinner party thrown by a mutual friend. Our mutual friend told me she had a BF, but I was totally captivated by her and thought I should still try. I asked for her number at the end of the evening and she gave it. Over the last 3 months, we've gradually been doing more and more. First it was coffee, then lunch, and now we meet for dinner. Nothing that would constitute cheating has occurred, not even small kiss or peck. However, we stare at each other, have dinners that last 3 hours and in general seem to love spending time together. I am taking things super slow and trying not to force her into a cheating situation. My goal is to win her heart. This is a very foolish predicament I've gotten myself into, I know. I shouldn't care so much about a person who is likely not available. But I cannot help it...there's something about this girl. I suppose it's possible she wants to be just friends. But I'm not the type of guy that women cling to as a friend. I'm fairly certain she can sense that I have a romantic interest. My plan is to simply keep doing things with her, but gradually make our meetings more and more romantic: fancier dinners, I cook dinner for her, spend time a the beach, etc... Hopefully somewhere during this process there will be some spark or moment. Questions 1) Is it possible she's still in love with her BF, but bored with him and needs some attention from another guy to let her know she's still desirable. 2) Should I just confess to her and let her know with certainty how I feel? It seems to me that romantic confessions rarely work 3) I wonder why after 6+ years she's not at least engaged. Perhaps her BF has not asked, and she's feeling irritated by this. Making she's seeking me out for some reason related to this? 4) Do her actions alone suggest she likes me. She gave me her number, she's very interested in hanging out with me, she even invited me to dinner. Am I missing some obvious hints and being an idiot? Any advice will be greatley appreciated, George
LN99 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Until she ends things w/ her bf, you will be just a friend to her. If anything, this woman likes spending time w/ you or possibly just likes the extra attention. I mean what woman doesn't? Especially if the guy is somewhat attractive and he shows an interest. Thing is, you are setting yourself up to get hurt, especially the more you invest in your feelings towards her. You also have to realize that you may never get a shot with her. What if her bf suddenly proposes tomorrow and she says yes? How is that gonna make you feel? As a woman, I have been in the same situation, only reversed. I liked a guy your age who had a gf. (I am 26.) But, I realized I was just an ego boost for him. I thought all the signs were there, but I guess I was wrong because he plans on marrying his gf....even though he was definately flirting w/ me on more then one occasion. It hurt a lot to realize the truth and it still hurts to this day. Bottom line is that if you can handle just having a friendship w/ her, then fine and maybe take things down a notch. If not, then maybe it would be best to distance yourself from her until she figures out what she wants and pursue someone who is available.
VIP Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 May be you should try to kiss her, and depending on her reaction you can decide if she attracted to you or not. And you can also ask her about her relationship with her boyfriend and what her plans are.
Author george313 Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 Thanks VIP and LN99. LN99, your situation does indeed sound very similar. In fact, I think your assesment is the most likely scenario. However, I think I shouldn't totally forget about this girl. I should tone down our meetings and meet with her less often. This way, she will still know I'm out there and know that if things don't work with her current BF, that there's another great guy (me) who MAY be available. I have another question for you and others. Is what I am trying to do a bad thing? If you thought a guy was trying to win your heart and steal you away from your current BF, would you think badly of that guy? This is new territory for me. I've never pursured a girl with a BF. But recently, it seems EVERY girl I'm attracted to has a BF, is engaged, or is married. This makes sense of couse, it's the "you never see a $50 dollar bill on the sidewalk analogy." Of course, I'm not "bad" enough to go after the engaged or married ones, but I think the ones with BF's are fair game.
mental_traveller Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Some people stay in a stale relationship just out of inertia. They met at a young age, so it's quite possible she is no longer into him that much, and open to finishing with him and seeing you. However, I don't agree with this game of stringing things along. You should be bold and upfront - next time you meet, make it somewhere romantic, and then early on you should ask her is she genuinely in love with her bf? Does she plan to spend the rest of her life with him? If she says yes then you should cut & run. If she says no, then you have to tell her how you really feel - say you aren't prepared to wait around and be "friends" any longer, you want to be with her, and she has to choose either him or you. Then leave and wait for her to contact you. That's the best way - state your intentions, but refuse to get involved while she is still with him. If she decides to stay, then tell her get in touch if she ever changes her mind, but refuse to be "friends" until she does. Move on and find other girls until you hear otherwise.
LN99 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I agree with the others. At least put it out there that you WOULD be interested in more with her....if she was SINGLE(aka, no bf.) Then, she can decide what she wants. If your lucky, she could be in a dead end relationship with this guy. So I guess there is always a chance. As long as there is no ring involved, I really do think she is fair game. But, if she makes it clear to you that she is NOT interested in you that way, then at least you know and you can move on from there. However, if she is interested, then she needs to make a choice. It's not fair to you to be strung along in the process. Just be careful with this whole situation. I thought for sure the guy I was interested in...was interested in me. In fact, that is why I fell for him to begin with. He was totally acting that way. Turns out, he was thinking of proposing to his gf. I never did find out if he did because once I heard that (from other people), I was deeply hurt. I was then luckily able to avoid him for quite some time. Now, when I see him, he just stares at me....and tries to get my attention. I just look away and avoid him. It's just easier that way....
JCD Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Never ever get involved with a girl that has a boyfriend. Only drama stems from this. The fact is if she breaks up with her boyfriend then you are a rebound. You don't want this so you have to give her time to recover from her boyfriend thus eating more of your time. Meanwhile you could have gone out with an unattached girl and save yourself some time. Besides, why would you respect a girl that has a b/f and is having lunches with you? Would a loyal g/f do that? Would a girl have self respect to break up with her b/f and then pursue a relationship? She's leading everyone on maybe getting sex from him and emotional support from you. Not fair to you I say.
monkey00 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I would have to be careful, girls with bf arent worth the trouble. A healthy minded person would break up with the SO if things arent working out...but we all know not everyone is capable of that out of sincerity and avoiding confrontation. But anyway...trust me on this, I can speak enough on experience to tell you these types of girls arent worth the trouble. there are plenty of great women in the sea, and im sure you can find one that's single. The major problem in your situation is she's calling the shots because she has the power PLUS her BF (as a security fallback) if things dont go the way she plans...so it already isnt a pretty picture. And if a girl IS SERIOUS about being exclusive with you, she would've broken up with her bf by now.
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