Ruby Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 If you keep being given the silent treatment, being ignored for days, turning off his phone and then trying to act like nothing has happened when he decides to talk and then when he is called on it he turns it around on you and you end up aplogizing to him???????
Touche Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 It's called emotional abuse. Been there, done that. Never again. Kick him to the curb. This only gets worse. I guarantee it.
Author Ruby Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 Touche can you tell me what happened to you please?
ls707 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 If you keep being given the silent treatment, being ignored for days, turning off his phone and then trying to act like nothing has happened when he decides to talk and then when he is called on it he turns it around on you and you end up aplogizing to him??????? so what bought you the silent treatment in the first place?
Touche Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Touche can you tell me what happened to you please? I was an idiot and stayed with him on and off for 9 years. We even married after the 6th year. I kept thinking he'd change because sometimes he did for a period of time. But it just got worse and worse each time. He turned everything around on me and wouldn't talk to me without either yelling or giving me the silent treatment. I finally had enough. I met my husband 13 years ago next month and realized just how dysfunctional that relationship was. When we disagree, we talk it out or we table it to talk about it when we are calm. There's never been silent treatment. I can't live like that ever again. How long have you been with him? Does he ever call you names? This usually does escalate and gets worse. It really is a form of abuse in my book. He shuts you out and makes you take the blame..doesn't matter if it's not all your fault. You can never really have a normal relationship with someone who does this. Is he moody? My ex was. I never knew what was going to set him off. There's so much more to this. Nine years of hell. And it all started with that silent treatment crap. Don't tolerate it. Put your foot down. Tell him that he can either conduct himself in a relationship like an adult and not a petulant little child or he can go. And don't ever apologize for something that isn't your fault. HE should be apologizing to YOU for giving you the silent treatment. That's not how two people in a good relationship handle their differences. Took me a LONG time to find that out for myself. Hope you don't have to learn the hard way.
Author Ruby Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 so what bought you the silent treatment in the first place? I went out with my friends and I guess he didnt like it. He then didnt call for 2 days and wanted to act like nothing was wrong when he decided to talk to me. He then lied to me and said he fell asleep when I know he spoke to a friend of his. WHen I called him out on this he got up and said dont call him and walked out. I have not heard from him since. Any time he is upset he does the silent treatment
Author Ruby Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 I have been with him a year and he has done this alot. He never shouts or calls me namesand I dont pick up any jealousy or any controlling in an outright way. Its subtle. The silence is a punishment for pissing him off but he will never admit it was deliberate. This time was the first time I had proof he was lying when he said he was asleep. He uses this excuse alot. You are right Touche, he wont change. I have given him the ultimatum before and it didnt work. I have tried every tactic to get him to stop and it hasnt worked. Why am I even asking these questions? It's crystal clear what the answer is, but it hurts, you know?
Touche Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 You say he's not jealous or controlling in an outright way. But he IS in a passive aggressive way isn't he? Why didn't he want you going out with your friends? And yes, he controls you with his silent treatment. Of course the answer is clear. But you already knew this. At least you're smarter than I am. You've invested only a year. Think about NINE years wasted with someone who makes you miserable like this way too often. Yes, it's hard. But you CAN do it, Ruby. You can. And one day you'll say "What the HELL was I thinking?"
IpAncA Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 If you keep being given the silent treatment, being ignored for days, turning off his phone and then trying to act like nothing has happened when he decides to talk and then when he is called on it he turns it around on you and you end up aplogizing to him??????? Emotional Abuse along with childish jack** behavior. he wont change. I have given him the ultimatum before and it didnt work. I have tried every tactic to get him to stop and it hasnt worked. Good point Ruby. He doesn't want to change and never will until he does something about it.
kymberann Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 So you know he may not change but it looks like you can see where this is leading! You bet it hurts, but it will continue to hurt if you don't do what you need to do for yourself. Don't let him drag you along! That's painful in and of itself too! Best
Author Ruby Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 I was in a very verbally abusive relationship before so now that I have discovered that this new guy is abusive why the hell doesnt that make it easy for me? Why am I not happy that I have realised that he is controlling so early and why do I feel like I am going to lose a good man? He cant be good if he makes me feel this bad! Why isnt this an easy choice?
birdie Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Hi Ruby, I think I understand your question. My situation is slightly different. I grew up with an emotionally distant father, who would go silent on us when he had an issue and would sulk for days. It was very easy to feel sorry for him in some ways but kind of felt anger as well at the same time because even as a kid I knew he was selfish. As a result I always avoided men like that but had a verbally abusive relationship with somebody else - because I had thought the opposite of silence was constant conflict (quite simplistic I know). So what I'm trying to say is verbal abuse or silent treatment are both a form of control . You like the quiet guy because he doesn't confront you but these two are still the same things. You need to find somebody that can maturely and constructively deal with conflict and can talk things through. That's the person that will make you happy.
Author Ruby Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 Thank you everyone for your fantastic feedback You dont realise how much you have helped me
climbergirl Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Hi Ruby, weren't you going to end it with him? I'm sure he's being nice to you now, but don't you think this is going to happen again and you'll be back to feeling this way. He won't change unless he wants to. Did he apologize at all?
Author Ruby Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 I have not heard from him and I dont expect to until at least next week. I am going to end it when he eventually calls (I am assuming he will call) I just need to keep my head where it is now and hope I dont start to feel terrible!
wwjd Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 oh, ruby . . . i'm noticing the time of your posts and i can only imagine that you are unable to sleep because of this mess. i'm sorry, ruby. hugs to you. you know, your OP accurately describes the problems in my last relationship. after the first two years, this is exactly how it was for me. regardless of whether a problem was really my fault or not, in his mind, it was always my fault, and thus he'd ignore me--sometimes by going away for a month or two--and then come back whenever he felt like it and expect me to apologize. and i always did. for everything, thinking that maybe if i did, we could just put it behind us and work towards bettering our relationship. but it only got worse. a year and a half later, his moodyness escalated to the point where: Does he ever call you names? he did the above, with the name calling getting more derogatory each time. you really need to do something now, before it gets too late; before you, like him, keep on blaming yourself for everything and loosing the very essence of yourself. be careful, ruby.
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Ruby, ending a relationship is hard either way and you may feel terrible...But, that's OK. Come to LS and we'll help you through this! Bottomline, your soon to be ex is immature and has control issues. The silent treatment is such abuse and is meant to make the other person feel like crap. Lower than crap, like you don't exist, you don't count...DO NOT LET ANYONE, I repeat, ANYONE make you feel that way. Dump his ass, you deserve better. Much better!
jcster Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Stop apologizing! I thought you were going to break up with him anyway! He's emotionally manipulative - he has your number and until you break up with him, it's going to be this way.
Lizzie60 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 If you keep being given the silent treatment, being ignored for days, turning off his phone and then trying to act like nothing has happened when he decides to talk and then when he is called on it he turns it around on you and you end up aplogizing to him??????? I would call that 'being a doormat'.
Author Ruby Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Its day 5 and he still hasnt called. He has until Monday and any clothes he has here will be thrown away. I have to be strong and WWIU I may take that offer of driving you all mad when I am missing him and wanting him, but I will stay strong and end this! I miss him already but I have to get it onto my head that he is no good for me and that I am too good for him
birdie Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Don't feel terrible, this cycle will never end, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
Author Ruby Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 I know that there is no way that I can solve this It would have to come from him and seeing as he doesn't even acknowledge a problem then he never will sort it out
Author Ruby Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Ok so he has just text me It said "Thinking about you" and then he text again 20 mins later saying "Alot" I havnt replied but I really need some support and advice guys Why do I feel like I just wish it was all ok on one breathe and screw him its over in the other?
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