I wish he'd been the classic jerk

[uniqueone]

Everyone on LS has told me that the guy that I'd been seeing was a jerk and that it wasn't me at all. Unfortunately I keep thinking of all of the great moments with him--which were more than the bad ones.

 

When I read a thread about a guy who is a classic jerk (such as the thread by missmebaby in the Dating section) I start to think how my guy wasn't like that at all. He didn't yell, he didn't throw drinks on me, he didn't throw his going back to other women in my face, he didn't act harrassing, .....

 

So then I start thinking that mine WASN'T a jerk and that makes it worse. I wish mine was a classic jerk because it'd be a lot easier to walk away.

 

Mine was very calm and logical mostly. Also cold and unfeeling. He abandoned me in a strange city and it didn't bother him. But it's all done very calmly....very "neatly". I wasn't behaving too neatly. I was crying and getting emotional after he did that. That didn't affect him. I would't doubt that the day he abandoned me....alone on a remote location...without a car....that he went out that night and had a good time without a care in the world while I was lost, lonely and scared. And he just ignored my calls....even though he was on his home territory and I was very...very far from home.

 

I'd almost rather have had someone like missmebaby did. Has anyone ever been with someone like the type of guy I'm describing?

 

And he's never said he's sorry for anything that he did. He just dismissed me. I just can't seem to get over it.

 

I'm told he fits the narcissistic personality to a large degree. I guess that has something to do with it. I just can't seem to get over what I went though with the way it was left.

[Curious139]

Yes, men and women come in all shapes and types. I understand what you are saying and it makes it harder in many ways. However you still have plenty of valid reasons to be angry with this guy. Treating you so callously isn't acceptable by any normal standard of behaviour. Being polite but cold isn't a strong basis for a relationship - I know it is hard but he was never going to meet your emotional needs. I think you have had a lucky escape but of course it doesn't feel like that right now.

 

Give it time and be kind to yourself. Be with your friends, keep busy. Hug.

[uniqueone]

Yes, men and women come in all shapes and types. I understand what you are saying and it makes it harder in many ways. However you still have plenty of valid reasons to be angry with this guy. Treating you so callously isn't acceptable by any normal standard of behaviour. Being polite but cold isn't a strong basis for a relationship - I know it is hard but he was never going to meet your emotional needs. I think you have had a lucky escape but of course it doesn't feel like that right now.

 

Give it time and be kind to yourself. Be with your friends, keep busy. Hug.

 

Thanks Curious.....you made some good points. I don't really have people to hang out with though so being with friends isn't an option for me.

[tinke]

oh no, make no mistake..yours was a JERK!

 

although i would not appreciate the yelling, etc., from the other described, at least you can read his emotions. they're clear.

 

but with your ex, that non-chalant, covert uncaring behavior, where he is nice and calm (while degrading you) leaves one in puzzlement, second-guessing yourself, him, and the situation.

 

i would say his behavior is equally as threatening, because he didn't express his emotions to you, giving you the opportunity to make adjustments in your actions.

[uniqueone]

oh no, make no mistake..yours was a JERK!

 

although i would not appreciate the yelling, etc., from the other described, at least you can read his emotions. they're clear.

 

but with your ex, that non-chalant, covert uncaring behavior, where he is nice and calm (while degrading you) leaves one in puzzlement, second-guessing yourself, him, and the situation.

 

i would say his behavior is equally as threatening, because he didn't express his emotions to you, giving you the opportunity to make adjustments in your actions.

Yeah, what made me so upset was that he wouldn't talk things over with me. And here I was thousands of miles from home and not familiar with anything. He knew I hadn't travelled in years too because of my fears. This trip was stressful enough for me because I was overcoming my fears. He knew all about that.

 

I just want him to talk things over with me.

[Trialbyfire]

When someone makes a cold decision to abandon you in an unfamiliar city, he's a compassionless, irresponsible jerk. Ah well, it takes all kinds of jerk to make you understand the contrast between an honest nice guy and the pretend nice guy.

[uniqueone]

God I am soooo depressed. This guy online that seems great otherwise.....

 

His message to me he just sent says nothing much in it at all. "Can't wait to meet you later this month." And this is the only message I've gotten from him since our phone call.

 

This is NOTHING like the witty banter that "he" and I shared back and forth every day. It's just not the same.

This makes me miss "him" even more now. These others are just not the same at all.

[tinke]

mine had no remorse, no apologies, no explanation, no return of phone calls, no response from lettters. he too, did not express his feelings when we were together, he was a runner!

 

your words struck a chord when you described that he "dismissed" you. that is exactly how i described my experience, coupled with disrespect and disregard.

 

it's very sad to think that at one time, there was love present, and it's nothing to walk away without a word. it seems to me that this type of person will not (cannot) communicate their thoughts. from what i've seen, mine ran in all areas: friends, family, work, etc.

 

are you still looking for some form of closure from him?

[tinke]

i'm confused..is this "guy online" the same as referred to in previous posts?

 

or...someone else you've been talking to online

[underpants]

Girl,

 

I could tell you some stories.

 

Even though you feel devalued or not acknowledged by this guy. I do hope eventually you see that this really was and probably still is his issue.

 

In a way, missme's dude is easy to put in the cornflake box...then throw that box away...outside...into the biohazzard bin.

 

The guy you were with sounds like he had an air of success about him. However, this was a face he chose to show you. Obviously, by his actions he does have some strange ideas about basic hospitality and common respect. In his defense he probably was not everything(ish) that he projected himself to be. With the fear of having to be...exposed he did the cowardly thing and bailed on you. How manly.

 

To quote Hannibal Lecter..."discourtesy is unspeackably ugly to me." Especially under pretense.

 

All you can do is let go and move on. He will still be that guy and hopfully you can find better.

 

Online romance is ...unfortunately not always translated into the real thing. Even real life romance fails to get there often.

 

To quote the Grateful Dead...you got to 'Keep on Truckin'.

[uniqueone]

i'm confused..is this "guy online" the same as referred to in previous posts?

 

or...someone else you've been talking to online

 

 

No the guy online is someone new. There have been new ones I've talked to. None of them interesting enough.

[uniqueone]

mine had no remorse, no apologies, no explanation, no return of phone calls, no response from lettters. he too, did not express his feelings when we were together, he was a runner!

 

your words struck a chord when you described that he "dismissed" you. that is exactly how i described my experience, coupled with disrespect and disregard.

 

it's very sad to think that at one time, there was love present, and it's nothing to walk away without a word. it seems to me that this type of person will not (cannot) communicate their thoughts. from what i've seen, mine ran in all areas: friends, family, work, etc.

 

are you still looking for some form of closure from him?

 

I don't really want closure. I want more than that I think.

[uniqueone]

Girl,

 

I could tell you some stories.

 

Even though you feel devalued or not acknowledged by this guy. I do hope eventually you see that this really was and probably still is his issue.

 

In a way, missme's dude is easy to put in the cornflake box...then throw that box away...outside...into the biohazzard bin.

 

The guy you were with sounds like he had an air of success about him. However, this was a face he chose to show you. Obviously, by his actions he does have some strange ideas about basic hospitality and common respect. In his defense he probably was not everything(ish) that he projected himself to be. With the fear of having to be...exposed he did the cowardly thing and bailed on you. How manly.

 

To quote Hannibal Lecter..."discourtesy is unspeackably ugly to me." Especially under pretense.

 

All you can do is let go and move on. He will still be that guy and hopfully you can find better.

 

Online romance is ...unfortunately not always translated into the real thing. Even real life romance fails to get there often.

 

To quote the Grateful Dead...you got to 'Keep on Truckin'.

 

I don't get what you're saying. I already acknowledged that missmebaby's guy was an easy dude to put in the cornflake box. That's my point here....that I wish mine was more concrete. I used to have a guy like missmebaby's guy and when it finally ended, I felt a sense of relief (despite the sadness I felt).

 

In my case NOW, he's getting tons of calls from women and I am not getting calls. He has an easy life and I don't.

 

And then I start to wonder that if he'd found me more impressive, if he'd have treated me better. And then I think how maybe I should have been more tolerant....more casual about things....not care if he was emailing some people.

 

All I know is that I'm alone and he's not and he's having a great time.

[underpants]

I don't get what you're saying. I already acknowledged that missmebaby's guy was an easy dude to put in the cornflake box. That's my point here....that I wish mine was more concrete. I used to have a guy like missmebaby's guy and when it finally ended, I felt a sense of relief (despite the sadness I felt).

 

In my case NOW, he's getting tons of calls from women and I am not getting calls. He has an easy life and I don't.

 

And then I start to wonder that if he'd found me more impressive, if he'd have treated me better. And then I think how maybe I should have been more tolerant....more casual about things....not care if he was emailing some people.

 

All I know is that I'm alone and he's not and he's having a great time.

 

Unique,

 

My question is why are you in competition with someone who decided that you were not what he wanted?

 

I doubt he has an easy life. He might put on that air. If you fall for it then you are not as smart as I want to give you credit for. He very well may attract and have superficial relationships with alot of women. How shallow. I don't think you want to be involved in someone who is only capable of this depth.

 

I did the whole 'do what you want, email who you want, be friends with your ex's thing'. I am right here with you. Believe it or not you have saved yourself alot of angst by not going down that road. Please just trust me on that one.

 

I don't know how new online guy might turn out. He might surprise you and be a much better communicator IRL. How karmic would that be?

 

Keep you eyes open and keep your heart open (but guarded).

 

Forget about Mr. Not so wonderful.

 

Now....go help me figure out my thread.

[uniqueone]

Unique,

 

My question is why are you in competition with someone who decided that you were not what he wanted?

 

I doubt he has an easy life. He might put on that air. If you fall for it then you are not as smart as I want to give you credit for. He very well may attract and have superficial relationships with alot of women. How shallow. I don't think you want to be involved in someone who is only capable of this depth.

 

I did the whole 'do what you want, email who you want, be friends with your ex's thing'. I am right here with you. Believe it or not you have saved yourself alot of angst by not going down that road. Please just trust me on that one.

 

I don't know how new online guy might turn out. He might surprise you and be a much better communicator IRL. How karmic would that be?

 

Keep you eyes open and keep your heart open (but guarded).

 

Forget about Mr. Not so wonderful.

 

Now....go help me figure out my thread.

 

 

So that's all you see it as? Me just being not what he wanted? That makes him sound so innocent.

[uniqueone]

I'm so stupid....I sent an email....

[Lostgurl]

I wish mine was a classic jerk because it'd be a lot easier to walk away.

 

Mine was very calm and logical mostly. Also cold and unfeeling. He abandoned me in a strange city and it didn't bother him. But it's all done very calmly....very "neatly". I wasn't behaving too neatly. I was crying and getting emotional after he did that. That didn't affect him. I would't doubt that the day he abandoned me....alone on a remote location...without a car....that he went out that night and had a good time without a care in the world while I was lost, lonely and scared. And he just ignored my calls....even though he was on his home territory and I was very...very far from home.

 

I'd almost rather have had someone like missmebaby did. Has anyone ever been with someone like the type of guy I'm describing?

 

And he's never said he's sorry for anything that he did. He just dismissed me. I just can't seem to get over it.

 

I'm told he fits the narcissistic personality to a large degree. I guess that has something to do with it. I just can't seem to get over what I went though with the way it was left.

Your guy is worse than a classic Jerk! I can't believe he did what you say he did, and didn't apologize. You are alot better off with out him Unique. I'm sorry that you are hurting, but you will be alot happier, once you get over this creep.

 

My ex-husband was like that. He never ever showed any remorse for his wrong doings. I never once recieved a sorry for when he'd flip out or do something completely off the wall. Believe me, no one wants to live with someone like that. Be happy that you've gotten out of that relationship before you got any deeper.

[uniqueone]

Your guy is worse than a classic Jerk! I can't believe he did what you say he did, and didn't apologize. You are alot better off with out him Unique. I'm sorry that you are hurting, but you will be alot happier, once you get over this creep.

 

My ex-husband was like that. He never ever showed any remorse for his wrong doings. I never once recieved a sorry for when he'd flip out or do something completely off the wall. Believe me, no one wants to live with someone like that. Be happy that you've gotten out of that relationship before you got any deeper.

 

 

No, he never would say anything he did was wrong--ever...not even before that happened. He did send me one email afterwards (I was home by then) in response to the emails that I was sending him (mine were mostly requests to talk to him).

In his email, he listed all the reasons why he was so angry at me. For instance, when I was abandoned while visiting his locale and he wouldn't take my calls, one of the messages I left him was how he told me he'd pay for something that resulted due to his suddenly taking off without me. Then later he told me he wasn't going to pay for it after all (this was after I paid for it). I then left him a message saying 'fine, I'll just come over to your house and get the money from you then.'

 

Well...in his email message to me that was the only one I got after I'd returned home, he claimed that I "extort"...and he referred to that incident above as the reason why he made that claim.

And that was just one of the reasons for him being so angry. His other reasons were similar and they were all spelled out very detailed as if written like a lawyer. (he's not one).

 

On the other hand, in my emails to him I didn't accuse him of things or tell him what he did wrong and I admitted how I could have handled things better. I said how we both just handled the situation in the wrong way. But he just ignored me. Just the one email blaming me and that was it.

 

I'm glad to hear your opinion on this since you've dealt with someone similar. Please tell me more.